Dreamscape - Erin: Erin 4l3j24

Dreamscape Erin

Copyright © 2017 by Heidi Hallifax

All characters and events in this publication, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

All Rights Reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

FIRST PRINTING 2017

PUBLISHED BY HEIDI HALLIFAX

Special thanks to; Johan Ahlberg for the art work, Monika Liljestrand (mum)and Sara Pettersson for proofreading and being ive, Peter Halldén for police input, Cecilia Johansson for opening up about the feelings one has when a loved one is very ill and all my friends and family for general and for believing in me! I love you all so very much!!

To my son Marcus

You taught me how to love unconditionally. How to see past hard times, how to be strong, how to laugh at silly things and make life fun, to slow things down and enjoy the present. I love you so much! Promise me that you will enjoy this adventure called life! Don’t be afraid to live! I love you/Mum xxx

Chapter 1 - Star Quality

Chapter 2 - The Birthday Party

Chapter 3 -My Balloon

Chapter 4 - Dad

Chapter 5 - The Elevator

Chapter 6 - Shadow

Chapter 7 - The Disappearance

Chapter 8 - The Search

Chapter 9 - The Park

Chapter 10 - Searching in Vain

Chapter 11 - Land of Fairies

Chapter 12 - Diagnosis

Chapter 13 - Once in a Pink Moon

Chapter 14 - The Argument

Chapter 15 - Insomnia

Chapter 16 - Hide And Seek

Chapter 17 - The Reading

Chapter 18 - Can You See Me?

Chapter 19 -Confiding In Dad

Chapter 20 - A Walk On The Beach

Chapter 21 -A Turn For The Worse

Chapter 22 - Life Goes On

Chapter 23 - Fade Away

Chapter 24 - Home

Chapter 25 - The Funeral

LUCID DREAMS

About the Author

Chapter 1 - Star Quality

I heard a roar of applause. A slight breeze in the air cooled a sweat-drop running down the side of my face. The sun was hitting me like a spotlight. I was panting slightly as if I had been running. I felt a weight in my hand. It was something metallic and it felt good holding it. My head tilted down to see what it was. A silver microphone. I noticed that I was wearing something out of character for me - a ripped pair of jeans and a short top that revealed my belly which, by the way, looked taut and well trained. I felt a confidence boost like never before. I couldn’t having gone to the gym but I was liking my new look. It felt good being there, the energy in the air was electric. I felt a rush of excitement as I looked up and across the crowd, seeing thousand of adoring fans all clapping their hands and roaring with approval for a song that I had just sung. Beyond that were picturesque landscapes as far as the eye could see. A black and gold hot air balloon was hanging low over the enthusiastic crowd. “How you doing up there?” I shouted, holding the microphone up to my mouth. They waved to me as I waved back at them. The crowd on the ground in front of the stage went even wilder as I looked at them smiling and said;. “And how are you doing down there…let me hear you scream!” I shouted, putting my hand behind my ear, urging them to response. They shouted excitedly. I giggled. “I can’t hear you!” I continued, holding the mic out to the very excited audience. I looked up at the hot air balloon and noticed that they were still waving. Peter was in it and he was looking at me with pride in his clear blue eyes. My mum and my friends Lisa and Chris were also there. I looked at the band and felt like I was on fire. I yelled out; “one, two, three, four!”

The song began with a drum solo, which I had always liked, just feeling the rhythm in your body before the melodies of the instruments started. I danced across the stage getting ready to sing the song as I felt the bass line thunder across the floor, making it shake slightly. I put my hands in the air getting the crowd to clap along with me. Then I began to sing. Man, I could really hold a tune! It came so naturally to me. The song was unfamiliar to me but I seemed to know all the words and just what I was suppose to do on stage anyway, as if I improvised it perfectly. It was like I had done this a hundred times before. I felt alive up there. Like I had the world at my feet. I looked out towards the audience and noticed a very pretty little girl standing in the crowd smiling. She was adorable in her little pink and white dress, her dark hair twisting down in big curls and bouncing gently as she danced to the song that I was singing. She looked up at me with her big light blue eyes and smiled. My heart felt so much love, I felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. My precious little girl, here to see me. I heard my name being called out as I looked up towards the hot air balloon and saw Peter waving at me, he looked distressed. I felt confused. What was his problem? How could anything be wrong when I felt so much joy? I looked back towards the little girl, only I couldn’t see her anymore. I felt a sudden burst of panic as I looked around and saw no sign of her. My eyes widening looking all over the enlivened crowd. I stopped singing but still held the microphone to my lips. “Erin!” I yelled out. The crowd acted as if nothing had happened. As if it was all part of the show. “Erin!” I yelled out again. I took a few steps to the front of the stage and jumped down into the crowd which made them go even wilder, I felt claustrophobic. I called out her name again in a desperate attempt to find her. My eyes were searching in-between people. The crowd was pulling at me and clo around me. It felt suffocating. I tried pushing them away, my panic was escalating as I was desperate to find my girl but I was unable to move. Their grip getting so tight, squashing me from all angles. Their

faces no longer kind and full of love for the music. One of them was looking right at me. She was old and had the look of someone who had lost everything. There was something slightly familiar about her though. I squinted my eyes and as I noticed who she looked like I took a step back. The woman was me. A worn out, distraught me. “It’s your fault” she said.

I gasped as I sat up in bed, shaking slightly from the dream I had just had. I felt a warm hand on my back. “Alex, are you ok?” I was still breathing heavily as I looked to my side and saw Peter’s kind face looking up at me. “Nightmare” I said as I got up from our king sized bed and walked quickly out into the hallway in my cotton pyjamas and opened a pink and white door to my left. I walked quietly over to a little white bed with a giant textile leaf hanging over it. My baby girl looking like and angel sleeping. I listened carefully to her breaths. Every time I looked at her it was as if I couldn’t believe my luck. She was just perfect! And then there was Peter…my husband, whom I was madly in love with. He had the best sense of humour, he was so kind and I could talk to him about anything and everything. He was handsome and, oh my God could he kiss…hell yeah he could. And then we had been gifted with the most wonderful daughter that brought so much love into our lives. She was sound asleep and holding her favourite teddy close to her chest. I pulled up the covers and tucked her in as she had managed to kick them off in her sleep. I heard gentle footsteps behind me and familiar hands wrapping around my waste. Peter looked over my shoulder and down towards our sleeping daughter. “You wanna tell me about it?” he whispered into my ear.

I gently shook my head from side to side. “No, I just needed to see her, I’m OK now.” We stood there for a few minutes, iring our angel-like child. I felt like the luckiest girl alive.

Chapter 2 - The Birthday Party

I felt a lock of hair on my cheek and a whisper in my ear as I lay on my side in a very comfortable bed. The days when I could have had a lie in felt like a distant memory but knowing what I was waking up to made it all much easier. “Mummy.” My daughter Erin calling me ‘mummy’ felt wonderful. I never grew tired of it. It was the most wonderful title you could have in the world. To be such a miracles ’mummy.’ It was wonderful. I took a deep breath and smiled. “Good morning angel,” I said, stretching out my arms and catching her in my embrace. “Happy birthday…how old are you now?” I said frowning, acting confused. She looked up at me with her big eyes and smiled. “Mummy?” She paused for a second while rolling her eyes and then she held up her right hand, inches in front of my face showing me all her fingers. “I’m five today.” “Oh yes, so you are. Don’t tell daddy though,” I whispered. “He thinks you’re growing too fast. He’s scared you’ll get yourself a boyfriend soon and forget about him.” She tilted her head back and laughed. Hearing her laugh was the most magical sound I had ever heard, like the clearest sound of heaven bursting through an angel. It filled me with joy every time. “I don’t have a boyfriend,” she said, still laughing with her hands covering her mouth.

“I know that, but he doesn’t,” I said pointing at Peter who was lying with his back to us. I looked at Erin with a cheeky smile. “Should we wake him up and remind him?” She nodded her head, then we both sat up, getting into position for giving Peter a good tickle scare. Just as we were about to do it he swung round and gave us a big fun fright, making us scream and laugh at the same time. After the initial shock he grabbed us both and hugged and kissed us, then he looked at Erin. “So who is this boyfriend you were talking about?” he said looking serious. “I don’t have a boyfriend daddy,” she said looking at him like he was stupid. “OK OK, just checking,” he smiled softly at her. “Happy birthday my angel.” At the sound of that Erin started jumping up and down on the bed out of excitement for the day ahead.

We were having a birthday party after lunch that day with the family. Chris and Lisa were also coming or ’aunt’ Lisa and ’uncle’ Chris as we liked to call them. They had been on a rollercoaster on and off relationship over the last few years. Their current status was ’off’ but they contained their love-slash-hate relationship around us…barely… However, they weren’t very good at hiding it. At first, when their romance had begun, back when I had just met Peter after he had come out of his coma, they were all over each other, almost annoyingly so. But when that happened I would kindly let them know that I wasn’t interested in a front row seat at their make-out sessions by clearing my throat loudly. Sometimes I even had to ask them to ’take the show’ elsewhere and they would then wander into Lisa's bedroom.

Peter and I were pretty bad as well at first. It was hard to keep our hands off each other. However, we loved to do other things together as well. As long as we were in each other’s company we were happy. We would go out for walks, either along the seaside or up Arthur’s Seat on the outskirts of Edinburgh. We would sit and talk about the adventures we’d had in our dream world when Peter had unknowingly been in his hospital bed, at least physically. His astral body had been elsewhere. At the time I had just thought that he was a very strong fantasy of mine, but truth be told I was completely and madly in love with him from the very first moment I laid eyes on him when he had first appeared in my dreams. We would reminisce about our times in the stars and flying across wonderful countrysides or walking by the seaside, seeing fantasy creatures like elves and unicorns. I could really miss those times. But we found our own adventure in the ’real world’ since Peter had woken up. Everyday felt like a new adventure with him. Especially the day I found out that I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it at the time. It all happened so fast. I had felt a bit sick the first few weeks after Peter had awoken, but at the time I had assumed it was down to nerves and simply being in love. When I finally, after a serious talk with Lisa who suggested that I might be with child, took a pregnancy test. I was stunned when I saw that it showed positive. I was going to be a mummy. It thrilled me as well as terrified me. It felt like the beginning of something huge, which of course it was. Peter was thrilled when I told him. He was shocked just like I was, but delighted none the less. We were both naturally a little nervous about the whole thing but it was also very exciting. We got a flat together not long after that in Bruntsfield, a nice area close to The Meadows in Edinburgh. The Meadows was a park that was lovely for walks and picnics. During the Fringe Festival in August each year there would be lots of fun events happening there like shows of all sorts and from all around the world. I loved the acts and all the new people. Erin loved it too. The previous year we had seen a show with daring circus-like acts. They had made it both hilarious and breathtakingly bold at the same time and Erin had loved every minute of it. It was always a fantastic time to be out and about.

Erin was born on a clear early morning in June. A chubby little baby girl with a lot of hair…for a newborn that is. Peter had held her gently in his

arms with such pride. His eyes were shiny with happy tears and his loving smile stretching across his face as he had looked at her and then out of the window at the hospital and seen the most dazzling colours in the sky. It felt as if all the world was welcoming our daughter, he had said. It was filled with spectacular shades of reds, pinks and orange colours settling onto the half dark, half blue sky and you could still faintly see the stars. It was truly breathtaking. It had even made the news. People had taken loads of photos and posted them online. Peter had looked over at me with love in his eyes and softly said her name, Erin. It felt like the angel Erin that I had encountered a few months ago was sending us a gift. We had decided on the name almost as soon as I found out that I was pregnant. I felt as if I was carrying an angel. And so it was decided. Erin Wallace-Walker. She would carry both of our surnames.

I rushed around in the flat having thrown on my off-white lace dress, trying to get last minute details sorted for the party. I hadn’t thought about getting ready myself as Erin was the star of the day, and all focus was on her and the party. As long as I looked fairly respectable, that was all that mattered. The decorations were up, the white frosted cake with a fairy on top was made and chilling in the fridge and the presents were piled up as we heard the first knock on the door. Erin had been staring at the presents as if she was communicating with them but as soon as she heard the knock she snapped out of her concentration and ran over to the front door in her little white fairy outfit, looking adorable. The door opened gently as my mum, dad and little sister Emma entered. Erin was jumping up and down with excitement as they started singing “Happy Birthday,” in an off key but loving way. They all smiled apart from Emma who was clearly annoyed at our mother who was making it impossible for her to through the doorway. Mum was too busy giving Erin attention to even notice the evil look Emma was giving her. They had probably argued in the car on the way over, knowing their relationship. She was looking proudly at her granddaughter but there was also something sad in her eyes. Eventually she moved so that Emma could come in. She loved her niece and her niece loved her.

It was amazing how much Emma had grown since Erin was born. She had been a bit of a rebel when she was a young teen but she had matured over the last few years. She was still outspoken and liked to try new styles but that was just her being herself and I hoped that she would never change that aspect of her. Her hair was long now, a little longer than shoulderlength, but she would try new hairstyles rather than cutting it short when she was having a spontaneous moment. Today she had put her dark blond hair in braids in a slightly messy bun making it look very bohemian in a classy way. Her whole outfit was a bit bohemian as well with a white lace tunic over harem tros. It looked great. She finally got through to Erin after rolling her eyes at mum and bent down to give Erin a cuddle and her present. “Wow!” Erin said, not having a clue what it was but eager to find out. Quickly after they had walked through and sat down on the grey sectional sofa in our living-room there was another knock on the door and in entered Peter’s parents Ian and Julia. Peter got his gorgeous smile from his mother. She was a very pretty woman with her golden coloured hair to her shoulders, blue-green eyes and petite figure but Peter had the look of his father more so with his ice-blue eyes and dark hair that was almost black. He was the same height as Peter, about five-eleven. You could also see the resemblance in their movements. It was like looking at Peter in the future. They had met when Ian had been over to New York with some friends in his early twenties. It hadn’t been an easy ride however. Julia had been engaged to another man at the time, so it took a couple of years before anything could really happen between them. All in all quite a lovely love story in the end and oh how happy I was that they hooked up so that one day, I could meet their son, my soulmate.

I was greeting them all with hugs as Dana, Peter’s little sister, who was a copy of her mother more or less, walked through the door and not long after that my friend Chris. Just before I shut the door my brother Jason and his very new girlfriend came in with a huge package. Erin’s eyes doubled in size and it made us all laugh. I knew we were all spoiling our little girl but it was hard not to. She was the first grandchild in the family and was so utterly adored.

Jason’s poor date seemed a little out of place not knowing what to do with herself but luckily for her both our families were very welcoming so she seemed to make herself comfortable shortly after having entered our home.

There was one person missing. I knew that Lisa, being a huge time optimist, would be the last to show up so I decided there was no point in waiting for her. We gathered around as I offered them all tea and coffee before letting my eager girl attack the presents. After about ten minutes I finally looked over at her and nodded. “On you go, you can open the presents now.” She could barely contain herself as she picked out the first present to open. I sat by her side as she opened the card on the box and handed it to me. I read it to her. “To Erin, we love you to the moon and back, love mum and dad xxx.” She gave me and Peter a big hug before digging into the wrapping. Out came a toy microphone with a stand. When you spoke into it it echoed and it had a few different sound effects. She squealed with excitement. She had been using tin foil crunched up into a fake microphone and singing along to artists like Adele, Beyonce and Taylor Swift. We had a hunch that she would love our present and it looked like we were right. “Thank you mummy, thank you daddy” She gave us both another big hug.

We were halfway through the presents when Lisa walked through with a smile, looking stunning in her low-cut, slim-fitted black dress with flowery details on the sides and black high heels. Her eyes scanned the room as if searching for someone before landing on Chris, and then as if on cue, she immediately frowned. Lisa always liked to get more dolled up when they were having one of their many break-ups, just to show Chris what he was

missing. It was so obvious and Chris knew what she was doing and he loved it. He just sat there with a smirk, feeling all big headed over the fact that Lisa had gone to all that trouble for him. “Lisa!” Erin yelped hopping over to greet her. Lisa bent down with a smile, oozing love over her, dropping the frown that she had so intensely held for Chris. Lisa absolutely adored Erin and Erin adored Lisa. She would do her hair and nails and they would quite literally play princesses. It was both hilarious and wonderful to watch. I’m not sure for whose benefit it was some of the time. It seemed Lisa loved it just as much as Erin. I got up to get Lisa a drink in the kitchen as she followed me through. “You’re looking gorgeous hun,” I said, raising my eyebrows slightly and smiling at her. Lisa’s shoulders went down. “What is that suppose to mean?” “Just saying, you and Chris may be on and off but you’re like magnets and you are clearly trying to impress each other.” Lisa looked super annoyed at my comment. “Well it’s his fault that we broke up this time. He’s the one that got all jealous over me dancing with a hot guy. FYI it’s my job and the guy is gay… I think.” She looked away for a second. “Look, I know what it looks like and had the tables been turned I wouldn’t feel great about it but if it was his job I would have to except it you know.” “I know hun, he did overreact a bit, male egos and all that, but he loves you still. I can tell.” Lisa smiled at the sound of that.

“Hey Lisa, can you grab me the cake server over by the fridge?” “Sure,” she said walking over.

“Where did you say it was?” “By the fridge. It’s a plastic one with a princess motive on it. Erin picked it out a few weeks ago to have for the party,” I said walking across the kitchen. “It was there a moment ago,” I frowned. “Things have gone missing lately, it’s either our little trickster, cute as she may be, she is a major suspect here, or I’m going senile,” I said jokingly. “Well now that you mention the senile thing,” she said giving me a cheeky grin. “Oh you are hilarious aren’t you,” I answered her sarcastically as I grabbed a knife and a spoon to compensate for the proper cake knife server. “She must have taken it to her room or something. No big deal.” I prepared the cake and made sure Erin was done with opening her presents before lighting the candles and walking through singing “Happy Birthday.” It was a lovely birthday party with friends and family. Erin was thrilled with all the attention she was getting. After a few hours people started to leave. There were new toys and wrapping paper everywhere, we had stuffed our faces with the lovely cake and lots of other pastries. We were all getting a bit tired but it had been a wonderful day.

That night as I lay in bed, Peter kissing my neck and me feeling like a cat being stroked, I counted my blessings. I was so happy…so happy.

Chapter 3 -My Balloon

I held onto a red balloon as I walked along the meadows feeling relaxed and intrigued by my surroundings. The sun was shining and it was a gorgeous summer’s day. It was the Fringe Festival and the place was packed with all kinds of people; tourists from all over the world, artists, families and couples. There were also people selling things in temporary stalls like hotdogs, sweets and drinks. A couple of children, about the same age as Erin, who were chasing each other, ran in front of me laughing as they ran off. It made me smile as I watched them catch each other, taking turns in doing the chasing. I was here on my own but I wasn’t sure why. My bladder was hinting for a trip to the ladies room. I wandered around trying to find a toilet which wasn’t easy. After a while I saw, to my delight, a sign pointing to the toilets but when I got there they were all exposed. There were no walls around them. I really needed to go. I was trying to figure out how I could do it without everyone seeing me while I was doing my business. No one else seemed to be using them. I asked a young woman who was casually smoking nearby if she knew of any other toilets in the area but she just pointed to the exposed toilet area again whilst she blew out smoke that landed in my face and smelled like an ashtray. It made my eyes water as I quickly moved away from her. I was getting desperate so I walked up to one of the toilets to see if maybe I could go there as long as no one was looking. I walked up to the one closest to me and noticed that it was filled to the brim with feces. It reeked and it made me gag. I walked to the next one and it wasn’t much better. Why were these disgusting toilets here and why were they exposed in such a way? I suddenly had an epiphany and realised that I could just go home. I lived nearby after all. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it earlier. I was still grasping my balloon. For some reason it felt special to me. It was getting a little darker as I started walking home. I felt confused as I

looked around. Where was home? I decided to ask someone for directions and walked up to an older man that was standing by a tree nearby. I put my hand on his shoulder to get his attention and as he turned around I got such a fright, I nearly fell back. His skin was pale and his eyes had turned black as night. He didn’t have black eye colour, it was more as if there was a dark smoky vail over them that he seemed unaware of. He didn’t answer me. I’m not even sure that he could see me. “Come on Jack,” he said turning to his Golden retriever who was growling slightly but in no apparent direction, and off they went as if everything was normal. I felt a chill running through my body. I turned and thankfully recognised where I was. There was a road up ahead and if I just followed that road to the left I knew that I could find my way home. It seemed to take forever before I finally found the building where I lived. I ran up the stairs and noticed that our front door was open. It was very dark and felt eery. In fact, the whole building seemed to be empty. I walked through the front door feeling slightly anxious and noticed that things were different. None of Erin’s toys were in the living room. I looked to the walls and they were bare whereas normally I had lots of pictures of Peter, Erin and myself, such as our wedding photos from a couple of years ago and Erin’s birthdays. I started to wonder if I had walked into the wrong building. I felt scared and noticed myself hugging the red balloon. I didn’t want to let go of it. As I looked at it I saw all the things that were missing in our flat. The window was open and a storm was drawing near. A strong wind was blowing through the flat and it was trying to grab hold of my balloon. I desperately tried to hold on but it was as if I had no strength. I felt clumsy and weak. It got lose and floated away towards the window. I ran after it and tried to grab it, feeling an illogical attachment to it. I was so close to catching it. Just a few inches now. I stretched out my hand as I hurtled towards the window, but all too fast. I missed the balloon and instead fell over the windowsill, falling to what would probably be my death since we lived fairly high up on the fourth floor. I screamed while I felt the air on my back and saw the balloon float higher up in the sky.

As I hit the ground I woke up startled, having no idea what to make of my dream. What had it all meant? Clogged up and exposed toilets, men with darkness in their eyes and an empty house. I got up and walked to the bathroom. I did need to go now and thought that perhaps my reality was seeping into my dreams and trying to wake me up so that I could go to my actual clog-free toilet. I thought of the balloon. I was so happy now. Maybe there was a part of me that was afraid to lose it all? Perhaps the balloon represented my fear? It wasn’t something that I thought about a lot but I suppose that made some sense. I got myself a glass of water before going back to bed and cuddling up to Peter, still feeling a little uneasy about the dream. Being in Peter’s arms always calmed me down. He made me feel safe. I was so utterly happy that this was my reality and not the horrors that occasionally visited me in my sleep. I always knew dreams meant something but it could drive me crazy playing that guessing game in my head of what I was going through psychologically. In this case it probably was just a simple case of fear of losing what I cherished the most. My husband and daughter. The two loves of my life.

Chapter 4 - Dad

I was standing in the kitchen making pancakes for breakfast, Erin’s favourite. It was a Sunday morning. It had rained through the night but the clouds had ed by leaving a miraculous glow over the horizon as the sun came up and I looked out of the window onto the skyline of Edinburgh. Erin was playing with one of her new toys that Emma had given her the day before, a puzzle book from the Disney Film ’Frozen’. “I was flying last night mummy.” Erin had always been good at ing her dreams just like me, or rather, like me back when I started ing dreams when Peter and I had met in them. A sort of talent I had kept ever since. Peter had, what I like to call, ’normal’ sleeping patterns where he sometimes ed his dreams but most of the time he would forget them. My mum and I had talked about it since then and she had reminded me that I in fact was just like Erin as a child. She even told me that I had apparently scared her at times by telling her that I saw strange things or heard people talk that weren’t there, but it had faded and stopped all together before I had started school. I had little memory of this but one memory stood out. I ed overhearing my mum talking to dad about me, she seemed very upset and worried at the time. I can’t exactly what she had said, although it had something to do with these unusual things I experienced. I think it was then that I had made a decision to ignore what I saw or heard. I got the feeling that it wasn’t ‘normal’ to other people. It scared me a little and made me think that there was possibly something wrong with me. The sounds and visions that I saw had faded not long after that. I ed feeling happy as a young child though. Never alone somehow. Even when no one else was there. I could always sense a sort of loving presence. It was a shame that I had pushed it away. With Erin I listened and never appeared worried or scared, although sometimes that was a difficult task, like when she told me about a nightmare for instance. In those situations I would simply comfort her. It was hard knowing that there was

nothing more that I could do about it. My heart hurt every time that happened. Most of the time however, she had pleasant dreams and woke up happy.

I looked over at Erin knowing how wonderful flying dreams could be and replied to her statement about her flying dream. “You did? Wow, did it feel good to fly?” I asked. “It felt amazing. I was flying really high up this time. Granddad was there too. He waved to me.” “He did? That’s nice. Was he flying too?” I asked as I put the first pancake on a plate and handed it to her. “No, but he looked really happy,” she said with a smile. “We’ll have to put this away now sweetie,” I said as I removed her puzzle book from the table. Peter walked in as Erin took a heaped spoon of jam and added it to her plate. “Pancakes!” he announced in delight. They were one of his favourites as well. “You’ll see Granddad today after lunch, you can tell him that you dreamt of him. He would like that,” I said looking over at Erin and then to Peter who was looking at me with a smile. It still made me melt every time he looked at me like that. It made me feel like a lovesick teenager every time. I giggled and looked back at the frying pan, making sure I didn’t burn the pancakes.

I thought of the dream that I’d had and made the conclusion that it had to have been fear based. I was terrified to lose all that I had. It was so perfect. I had fallen back asleep quickly after I had woken up from the

nightmare the night before and I couldn’t recall having had any more dreams after that so I felt pretty well rested and the worry of it had faded.

It was two o’clock as we got in the car and drove off to mum and dad’s house which took about half an hour or so depending on the traffic. Peter drove the car, a black Audi that Peter had through his job as a car technician. He designed new fun technical toys - as I liked to call them. He enjoyed his job very much and it was fun listening to his ion for it when he came home in the evenings.

Erin and I talked about another dream she’d had as we drove through the city centre of Edinburgh. She had been in a forest talking to giant dirty trolls that had tried to pick her up as if she was a little doll. She hadn’t been afraid but it had annoyed her so she had bitten one of them in the arm, which apparently tasted disgusting, so that he would let go off her. That had made the troll let go and she had jumped onto a tiger that she had tamed in an earlier dream. The tiger had run off with Erin on his back, saving her from the giant trolls. I absolutely loved hearing her talk about her dreams. She had an amazing imagination. She would sometimes zone out because she was so into a story in her head that it was hard to break her concentration. A couple of people had mentioned she might have a form of ADD or ADHD because of that and also because she could be a bit hyper at times but I was so proud of her. She was perfect just the way she was. Diagnosis were often ways of society telling you that you weren’t socially skilled enough, when in fact most people on the spectrum were very smart in sometimes other non-academic ways with a creative mind that worked in a million other amazing ways. Diagnosis were, in my mind, ways of proving that society was too square. I could sit for hours talking to my friends about these things. In my eyes Erin was diagnosed with perfection.

Erin was first to the door when we arrived, jumping up and down with

her long dark curly hair bouncing down over her little denim jacket and throwing off shine as the sun hit it. My mum opened the door wearing a flowery dress over her slim body. She knelt down with her arms wide open and gave Erin a big long hug. Erin then headed into the hallway and took off her shoes as mum looked up at me. Her eyes looked sad, like they had at the birthday party, only now it showed more. “Mum, are you ok?” I asked, feeling a knot in my stomach. She nodded her head whilst looking down at the floor, making me even more worried. “Mum, what is it? What’s happened? Is it Emma?” I said as I took a step towards her. Peter put his hand on my back as moral . She looked up at me with a serious face. “How about you just come in and I’ll tell you all about it over a cup of tea.” I nodded my head whilst fearing the worst.

We walked into their big kitchen where Erin was sitting on my dad’s knee. He looked overjoyed seeing his granddaughter. She was looking at him with so much love and wonder in her eyes. “Erin darling,” my mum announced, “Emma is upstairs in her bedroom, why don’t you go on up and say hello. She mentioned that she needed her hair done and you are pretty good at that aren’t you?” Erin’s eyes widened, she loved to play hairdresser. She hopped off my dad’s knee and skipped up the stairs towards my sister’s room. My mum poured us some tea and put out some biscuits. My appetite was gone because of the bad news to come, whatever that may be. After a while my mum cleared her throat.

“I’m not sure how to say this so I’ll just come right out and say it.” I was holding my breath without noticing. “Your father has cancer,” she said as she quickly looked down at the table and fiddled with her teacup. The room went quiet, I was taking in what she had just bluntly said. My dad had cancer? And with that statement came a whole bunch of other questions, but the first that came to mind was a question that clung to deniability. “What do you mean?” I said with big eyes, looking back and forth at my mum and dad. Peter had taken my hand but I almost found it annoying. Him feeling sorry for me made it more real. Dad was the first to speak. “It’s nothing really dear, it’s a very common thing these days. I’ll be just fine,” he said with a smile and warm eyes, almost convincing me that it was more of a cold than a cancer. “Oh please,” my mum said with tears in her eyes turning her head to him. “This is serious William.” She took a tissue wiping her eyes. I was in shock, feeling slightly empty. Other people got cancer, not people I loved, I selfishly thought. What did this mean? My dad, my strong-always there for me-dad having a sickness that possibly wasn’t curable? That simply couldn’t be true. He looked so healthy, apart from his eyes, they looked a bit worn out. But apart from that he looked fine. He sat there looking the way my dad always looked. A cardigan over a shirt, a pair of denim tros, short grey hair that had been thinning somewhat of late. A facial expression that read ‘hakuna matata’ and kind eyes…always kind eyes. If they ever turned anything else you knew you had done something really awful. It had only happened to me once thankfully, and I had been super naughty so I might have deserved the look of death that one time. I had been quite well behaved as a child but as most children you test your parents at one time or another simply to see where the boundaries are. I had tested them by running away with a couple of friends overnight. I was

only eight years old at the time. At eleven o’clock at night we had become bored and wandered home. My parents had called the police fearing the worst. My dad, having been worried sick, had been so angry with me that he barely spoke to me for a day after that. He just gave me a disappointing look. It had made me feel awful at the time. Having a child now myself I could understand why he would get so mad. One would be scared out of their mind. If anything ever happened to Erin I don’t know what I would do. We sat silent for a minute or so until my mum took a deep breath and started talking again. “Your dad has small-cell lung cancer.” I just stared at her as if she had just spoken another language. My mum held a tissue to her mouth. “Ho…how did you find out?” I stuttered. “Well…you see…I have been coughing more than usual and…well…a little blood came out. Your mother made me go to the hospital.” He took my mother’s hand and squeezed it gently with a warm smile her way. “But I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be cured. These days they have all kinds of treatments for cancer. It’s pretty amazing what they can do actually. Besides, they were only guessing ,” he said looking at my mum. “They need to do more tests to be sure.” I looked at my father as he was talking about his illness as if it was nothing, but I could see in his eyes that he was putting on a brave face for us, and especially for my mum. I’m not sure how she could handle a life without him to be perfectly honest. “But lung cancer?” I said questionably. “You don’t smoke.” “Well, it’s certainly been a while since I enjoyed a smoke.” I frowned. “A while? Did you use to smoke dad,” I asked.

“When I was young, yes. We stopped round about when you were born.” “We?” I asked, even more baffled. “Your mother and I.” “You both smoked?” I pointed to both of them back and forth. “Mum? Really?” It almost made me giggle, the thought of my mum-missis do right, smoking cigarettes. My emotions became confused with the giggling and brought a lump to my throat. “But dad, that was a lifetime ago, surely that can’t be the reason?” “I don’t know sweetheart.” He stretched over the table putting his hands on top of mine. I looked up at him and felt tears wetting my eyes. “Dad,” I whispered as a tear escaped my eye. I tried to hide it by letting go of his hands and quickly wiping it away.

“Mummy, look,” Erin came running towards me with neatly braided hair. Emma was walking after her, her hair was in three messy pigtails with different coloured hairpieces. “Wow, you look so amazing,” I said, putting a lid on my emotions whilst Erin hopped onto my knee. “You too Em,” I said, slyly making fun of my little sister without having Erin notice it as not to hurt her feelings. “Yes, I am a princess,” Emma said dramatically which made Erin laugh. “Well, we should get going,” I said feeling the need to get out of the house and breathe fresh air. Peter followed my cue and got up. “Already? But mum,” Erin said with a frown. “Yes sweetie, we have some shopping to do. I’ll get you an ice cream. How does that sound?” I tried bribing her. “I want to stay here.”

“We can visit grandma and grandad soon again,” I continued. “No we can’t,” she said. The emotions of a five year old were adorable but also drove you to insanity at times. “Come on honey. You’ll see grandma and grandad soon. I promise.” Erin itted defeat by hanging her head low. “Fine,” she said and stormed off towards the hall like a little teenager. Now, that was a time I was going to need to use mindfulness a lot I was guessing. “Kirsty, William, let me know if there is anything I can do to help OK. We’ll call you later,” Peter said as he walked around the table giving them both a warm hug each and my dad got an extra handshake. I got up and hugged my mum and dad. I had to bite my lip to strangle the crying. I didn’t want to alarm Erin or upset my mum and dad. Why did bad things happen to good people I wondered. My dad was too good for this world. He brought joy and kindness to everyone he met. Why him?

Chapter 5 - The Elevator

I got into an elevator in a tall businesslike building. The grey, concrete walls were depressing and a little creepy to to be surrounded by. I felt cold and uneasy. There was a little old lady with silver white hair who was accompanied by a male relative of hers. She was a sweet little lady. I felt it somehow. She must have been over a hundred years old. She got off at a low floor and I followed her out, I think that I wanted to help her but I wasn’t sure why. She got into her car by the side of the road, a MINI Cooper. I couldn’t get over the fact that she was so small. She turned and looked at me with caring eyes. It was my grandmother on my father’s side which didn’t make sense, she shouldn’t have been there, she had ed away when I was just a toddler. I couldn’t ever having met her but I knew who she was and it felt nice seeing her so I didn’t dwell on it. I turned to go back into the building when I felt that she was in good hands and walked over to the dark elevator again which frightened me somewhat. I didn’t feel like I could trust it but I had to enter it in order to get to where I needed to be, wherever that was. I pressed a number, the top floor. It started to move and I couldn’t understand where it was taking me as it was speeding up very quickly and then all of a sudden it moved, traveling sideways. I felt as if I had no control over where it was going and I started to panic. The walls in half of the elevator began closing in on me and I was getting worried that I might get quashed. I just wanted to get to my floor so that I could get out of this horrid concrete box. At the back, a toilet appeared. It kept flushing and the water got all the way up to the edge which made me worried that I would get wet and I didn’t want to get wet since I had some meeting to attend to. I heard an alarm go off as I travelled sideways and then I heard traffic. It seemed that I was travelling over a busy road. I saw the commuters as I looked through a temporary small window that disappeared as soon as I had ed the road.

The elevator turned and I travelled up again and finally reached my destination. As soon as the elevator door opened I walked out fast feeling immensely relieved to have survived the journey. The room I entered into was huge. I was here for some sort of meeting but I wasn’t sure what for. I looked around and noticed that everyone I knew was there, including my family…all except for dad. Then it dawned on me. This was no meeting. This was a funeral. I looked down at my black dress and then up at their sad faces. “No!” I yelled. “No!”

Chapter 6 - Shadow

The following week I put my head into work which was still at the Golden Art Gallery, the only difference being that I was now part owner of it together with my former boss Christine. She was only there a couple of days a week and I took on the responsibility of the gallery running as it should with exhibitions, clients and artists. I had even sold a few paintings of my own over the years but I didn’t make a living from it. I kept on painting because I loved it. The fact that a few people had been interested and wanted to buy my work was a plus and it warmed my heart, knowing that I had touched them through my art. I expressed a lot through my paintings which was an amazing outlet for my emotions. Butterfly themed paintings was my new recent interest. I had always loved the journey of a butterflies life. How it turns from a caterpillar with a huge appetite into a wonderful butterfly. It was certainly one of nature’s great beauties and it made me wonder, was humankind a sort of caterpillar and would we eventually turn into something more loving. Would there come a time where we weren’t greedy and war didn’t exist? A lot of these questions coloured my paintings.

I had been trying to numb out the thoughts of my dad being so ill, perhaps even deathly ill. It worked for part of the days that ed but the second I was in-between clients or work I felt that horrible lingering feeling of not knowing what was going to happen, although he might very well get through it. Maybe a year from now he would be one of those miracle success stories you hear about, how the cancer just disappeared through positive thinking and we would all be enjoying another summer, birthday or Christmas together and it would be all but forgotten. I had told Lisa and Chris about it briefly on separate occasions. Lisa had hugged me and we had spoken about it for a couple of hours whilst Chris had bought me a drink at the pub when we met out for lunch one day. He wasn’t that into deep talking about things. His mantra was ‘most things can be fixed with a pint of beer and a good laugh’. Even though I appreciated

his efforts I needed Lisa’s way of comforting me as I was unable to push my feelings aside. I only sipped half of the beer slowly as I sat with him listening to his jokes and trying to act like I normally did when we met. Drinking would only elevate my emotions at this point, although I appreciated the gesture and the company. I tried focusing on Chris and his life instead of the thoughts about my dad. “So, what’s happening with you and Lisa? I saw the way you looked at her at Erin’s birthday party. It’s pretty obvious that you still have the hots for her,” I said mocking him slightly. He frowned and waved off my comment whilst looking away. “Yeah right. More like she is the one that is into me. I mean, come on,” he said looking at me with mixed emotion on his face but clearly trying to hide whatever he was feeling. I knew him all too well. After a few seconds he took a deep breath. “Look, it really sucks seeing her get all physical with some guy that stays fit for a living you know. I mean, I know I’m hot and all but it’s just weird you know.” He looked down at his beer. “I know Chris, had it been me I would’ve felt the same. But you have to , it’s all acting. They are expressing a feeling on stage, that’s all. And besides…he’s gay so what do you have to worry about?” He nodded his head slightly as he was sitting like a little lost puppy with is shoulders hunched down. “Is he really gay though?” He said looking up at me. “Yep, think so,” I took a sip of my half pint of beer, “but you gotta know she adores you right? I mean let’s face it, neither one of you are any good at hiding your emotions,” I said raising my eyebrows. Chris just looked away not wanting to it anything.

I glanced at the time. “I’d better get going, we have paintings being delivered this afternoon.” “Yeah, I’d better get going myself, someone’s gotta charm our buyers or no one’s gonna want to buy our crap,” Chris said jokingly. “Yeah, because vitamins are so bad for you,” I said mockingly. Chris used to work for a bank but he hated it. Nowadays he works for a company that sells all kinds of vitamins, minerals and other healthy options, all organic and fair trade marked. He held up the relationships with the shops and other online companies who wanted to sell those types of products. I personally loved him working with it as I always got a discount. Lisa would always ask me to buy some for her, with the discount, during any of their little break-ups as she was too embarrassed to ask for it herself. This job was much more up his street as being social and charming were his talents and he enjoyed it a lot.

As I walked back to the gallery I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I got the distinct feeling that I was being watched. The hairs on the back of my neck rose, but as I turned my head to see who or what it was, it was gone, as was the creepy feeling I’d had. I got back to the office feeling slightly uncomfortable but I shook it off fast, letting my logical brain tell me that I lived in a city with a lot of strange people. Maybe a weirdo was looking at me but turned a corner just as I looked over. I decided to get stuck into work and forget about it.

The hours ed and it was time to go fetch Erin from preschool. I locked up the gallery with it’s golden frame surrounding the door and hopped on a red double-decker bus. Peter and I use to take turns using the car. It was easier for me to take a bus nonetheless due to the gallery being so central. It wasn’t easy finding somewhere to park and buses were so frequent anyway so most of the time he had the car. Since it was a company car I wasn’t really meant to use it anyway but it was handy having it at

times. Today I wish I had taken the car though, just so I could have used the AC. I wouldn’t normally complain about the very rare days of heat that kindly visited Scotland but I was wearing my work clothes which were tight fitting with a fitted jacket and my feet were killing me since I had been standing up most of the day in high heels and the bus was packed with commuters. It felt stuffy and it was making me feel a little sick. I took a tissue out of my bag and dabbed my forehead with it. There were no seats available so I hung on to a little handle hanging down from the roof to keep my balance. I got an uncomfortable feeling in my gut. I looked up trying to figure out why I felt off, besides the slightly nauseating feeling from the stuffy air. Someone was looking at me but I couldn’t see who it was. There was a black blur at the corner of my eye. I froze. I wasn’t sure why and I didn’t want to turn my head out of fear of what I might see. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped. A lady who looked like she was in her sixties was looking at me with concern in her eyes. “Are you ok there lass?” she asked in a broad Scottish accent. I looked around, the fear had ed and I found myself feeling foolish. My nerves were on edge today. I shook my head before turning back to look at the lady. “I’m fine, thank you” I said, trying to convince myself as I said it. She smiled a little, knowing that I was lying about being fine. I smiled back hoping that she wouldn’t push the matter and she was kind enough to read the situation well and went back to looking out the window. I got off the bus at Erin’s preschool a few minutes later, feeling a huge relief as the outside air hit my face. Erin ran over as I walked through the doors of the preschool. “Mummy,” she said with a big smile. She handed me a drawing of a huge butterfly that she had drawn. The body of the butterfly was a girl. To anybody else it would look a bit messy and you could clearly tell it had been drawn by a young child, but to me it was a masterpiece. Seeing her joy in having created it warmed my heart beyond words.

“This one is getting framed,” I said proudly. “Yay,” she said clapping her hands and jumping up and down. “And do you know why?” I asked her, bending down with a smile. “Why?” she asked with anticipation. “Because I can tell how good you feel about this and how proud you are and I always want you to to focus on happiness in life. Do what you love.” I paused for a second, “and this my girl…is a masterpiece,” I added. Erin jumped for joy. “I love it,” she said. “Me to,” I told her. “Mrs Wallace, may I have a word in private before you go,” one of the teachers said as she came up to me. “Yes of course,” I answered her. I told Erin to play for another five minutes before following the teacher down the hall and into an empty playroom filled with drawings, books and big comfy-looking pillows in bright colours made to sit on. I guessed it was a sort of storytelling room, which I loved. The teacher, miss Cooper, a pretty woman in her thirties, looked up at me. “You didn’t tell me you were going on holiday?” she said. I frowned. “I’m sorry?” I asked, feeling confused. “Erin has been telling her friends that she is leaving. I assumed it was for a holiday. I thought it was strange that I didn’t know about it. I trust you know the policy of the time required to know about the absence of a student in advance don’t you?” she said questioning me.

I looked away frowning. “Why would she say that?” I asked myself as well as miss Cooper, who laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood, clearly understanding that she must have been mistaking the situation. “Well you know children, they have a vivid imagination don’t they. Especially your Erin. She has the most amazing stories to tell. It’s quite fascinating really. She gets everyone’s attention. Her friends love it,” she said smiling. “Yes, I know. She does, doesn’t she,” I said nodding. “I’m sure it was all part of one of her stories,” miss Cooper added whilst leading us to the door. “Yes, I’m sure it was. I can assure you, we have no planned holidays ahead yet, although now that you mention it, it sounds like a lovely idea. Maybe she is trying to hint something,” I said lightheartedly, thinking that it had all been a misunderstanding. I did indeed know how Erin’s stories could pan out.

We got ready to leave and waved goodbye to the other kids and mothers in the hallway, all getting ready to go to their homes. Luckily we had managed to find a good preschool close to our flat so it was just a short walk away. Since the weather was so lovely we stopped for ice-cream on the way home. Erin told me all about her friends and what they had been playing today whilst we licked our chocolate sauce covered ice creams. I had to remind her to eat faster as she was talking so much that the ice cream had begun to melt and run down her hand. We both got a little messy and sticky from it but it didn’t matter. We were having a lovely time. Sometimes we would have to hurry back home if it was raining a lot which, let’s face it, wasn’t exactly unusual in Scotland. But today was a gorgeous day so we took our time walking back. I needed that. I needed to focus on the good things in life. I always loved our little talks as we walked back home. It was like our little time together. I cherished those moments.

Peter had managed to come home a little earlier and was waiting for us as we walked through the front door. He had started making dinner. I smelled salmon. “Well you two look like you’ve been having a lovely time,” he said, walking up to us. He gave me a kiss and then bent down to Erin. “Is that ice-cream on your nose.” He asked suspiciously. Erin giggled. “Someone needs a bath I think,” he said raising his eyebrows. Erin looked up at me. “Ops, we’ve been caught I’m afraid… Go on, off to the bathroom. We’ll need to clean up before dinner.” I said smiling at her. She dropped her bag and rushed over to the bathroom. I followed her after giving Peter another kiss. He had a tea-towel over his shoulder. He occasionally did the cooking, about once or twice a week and when he did he really put an effort into it. I was thrilled every time I saw him cooking because I knew that he put his heart and soul into it and it always tasted amazing. It also gave me some time to wind down. “Dinner will be served in approximately thirty minutes,” he announced. “Well, suppose we’d better get the show on the road,” I said and walked through the hallway to the bathroom. “Mummy, do you know where my crayons are?” she said looking confused with her little duck bath towel around her. “Have you looked in your room?” I suggested. “They’re not there,” she said sounding quite upset about it. I knew how much she loved those pens. They were the kind you could paint in the bath with. She would paint her whole body and the bath so most of the time she would need a shower after as well, but seeing her happiness in painting was well worth it. “I’ll have a look sweetie,” I said, walking into her bedroom and looking in

the place where they normally lay and then looking elsewhere. After a short look I walked through to Erin again. “Sorry honey. I can’t find them. Shall we have bubbles instead?” I asked. That seemed to cheer her up. “Yay, bubbles!” she said as she jumped up and down a couple of times. I wondered where the crayons had disappeared to. It wasn’t the only thing that had gone missing recently. We had assumed that it was Erin that had put them somewhere whilst playing and forgot about it but it was starting to get ridiculous. Our flat wasn’t that big and we kept it fairly tidy. We should have found them sooner or later but we didn’t. It was always things from her bedroom as well and it had started about three or four months ago. I could count at least ten things that had gone missing.

After Erin had taken her bath we had a lovely evening together as a family. Peter told me about his day and we all decided to watch a Disney film before bed, Beauty and the Beast. The three of us snuggled up together under a blanket on the couch. I looked at Erin and wondered if she knew how much we loved her. It is such an overwhelming feeling, the love you have for your child. It is the true definition of unconditional love. It drew close to bedtime and I was tucking in Erin and reading her a story. It was about an elf who lived in a tree. Very magical, I loved it myself. Once I’d read it she naturally wanted me to read it again, so I did, although she wanted a third time after that. “Erin sweetie, I think twice is enough,” I said and kissed her on the forehead. “Tomorrow is a new day and you need your sleep.” “But mum…the song…the song.” I smiled at her. “Ok…but then it’s sleepy time, ok?”

She nodded her head and closed her eyes. I began singing her favourite lullaby as she held my hand. Her grip grew looser as I sang softly to her. She was getting sleepy now. I gave her an extra kiss on the cheek and walked out of her room. Good night sweetheart I whispered before closing the door.

Chapter 7 - The Disappearance

A soft kiss on my cheek and a whisper in my ear woke me up. “Mummy.” “Mmm…” I said, lifting my heavy eyelids. Erin wasn’t standing in front of me like I thought. I turned to face Peter thinking she must have been on the other side of me but she wasn’t there either. I looked at Peter. He was fast asleep, his mouth slightly open. He hadn’t shaved in a couple of days, giving him that sexy rough look that I loved so much. I smiled a little and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He didn’t wake up, he must have been in a deep sleep. He would usually stir when I started kissing him. I took a deep breath thinking I must have dreamt that Erin was by my bed. I lifted the duvet off my body feeling well rested and got up to put on my light pink flowery kimono. I felt a slight chill as I walked out into the corridor and towards Erin’s room. She normally woke us up at least once per night. It was nice to have had a full night’s sleep though so I wasn’t complaining but now I was looking forward to cuddling my little girl. It’s strange how you could miss a person whilst you had been asleep but there it was. The strongest love of all, a mothers love. I looked into her bedroom and noticed that her bed was empty. “Where is my Erin?” I teased, making my voice slow and mysterious. I looked around the whole room but I couldn’t see her anywhere. “Erin sweetie?” I asked a little more serious. She must be in the bathroom, I thought to myself as I took a few steps down the corridor and opened the bathroom door to my right. “Erin” I tried again, looking everywhere in the bathroom, as if she might have jumped into the toilet. I looked quickly behind the shower curtain and

the bathroom door but there was nowhere else to look. I turned quickly and jogged into the kitchen and TV room, my eyes scanning the place quickly before shouting out her name. “Erin!!” I felt a panic rise inside of me. Where was she? I looked behind the couch, behind the curtains and the hallway to see if the door was open but it was shut and locked. “ERIN!” I yelled. Peter came running through with messy hair having thrown on his dark blue nightgown. “Alex, what is it? What’s the matter. Why are you screaming?” Peter looked at me with concern in his eyes. I couldn’t speak. I just stared at him unable to blink. “Alex, you’re scaring me,” he said, taking a couple of steps towards me. “I can’t find her,” I said staring at him. After a second I shook out of my freeze-state and started running about looking in all kinds of places and again where I had already looked. “What do you mean you can’t find her?” Peter said as if I had been speaking another language. “ERIN!” I yelled. “I can’t find her! she isn’t here!” My voice screeching an octave higher than usual. Peter just stood there for a few seconds whilst I was mes the place looking in silly places she couldn’t possibly be, like under blankets and behind toys. The penny dropped and Peter started doing what I was doing but he ran into her bedroom instead and then to our bedroom yelling out her name. My eyes were moving so fast around the place it was as if I was on speed. I was panting quickly. My brain felt like it was working out an impossible math equation. Think…think, I told myself. I gazed towards the kitchen counter where my mobile phone lay. I rushed over and grabbed it dialling 999 for emergency phone calls.

“Hello, emergency service operator, which service do you require ? Fire, police, or ambulance” I heard a female voice at the other end of the line say. “She’s not here,” I heard myself say stupidly. “Who isn’t there,” the woman said with a kind and calm tone. “My daughter Erin,” I burst out. It was hard to control my voice. Peter came running through to the kitchen with big worried eyes. I could tell he was in as much of a panic as I was. “Madam, I’ll put you through to missing persons at the police station. Please hold,” she said as I heard a little click and then a ringtone on the other end. “Police, detective McCarthy speaking, how can I help?” a deep voice answered. “Our daughter is missing,” I answered. “How long has she been missing?” he asked. “I don’t know. I put her to bed last night and this morning she wasn’t in her bedroom where she usually is.” I paused for a brief second. “She’s only five.” “What is her name?” he continued. “Erin Wallace Walker.” “Can you describe what she looks like?” “She’s got long dark curly hair, like big curls down to her waist. Light blue eyes. Light skin but also slightly tanned from the summer…em..” I looked to Peter for . He took the phone from me and held it to his ear. “Hello, this is Peter Wallace, the father. Look, our daughter is missing. The last thing she was wearing was her pyjamas. She can’t have gone out of the door because it’s locked.”

I stared at Peter whilst trying to hear what the detective was saying but I couldn’t hear anything. I heard Peter give our address. He nodded whilst the conversation was going on. Then he held the phone away slightly. “They are sending a unit here now, we need to have recent pictures of her.” “I’ve got loads on my phone,” I told him. Peter nodded. After a few seconds he hung up the phone. We looked at each other with panic in our eyes. “I’m going downstairs to check outside,” I said rushing to the door. “I’m going to call our parents, maybe she’s with them. Maybe we just forgot?” he said questionably, knowing very well that that wasn’t the case. “Either way we’re going to need their help. “Ok,” I said rushing out the door and down the stairs in bare feet. I bumped into our neighbour mrs. Olsson, a seventy year old little lady with grey curly hair, on the way down. “Have you seen Erin?!” I almost shouted at her. She looked taken aback at my outburst. “No dear, I haven’t. Is everything alright dear? You seem tense, would you like a cup of tea?” she said and smiled at me. I couldn’t manage a smile back, I was too panicked to even be polite. “If you see her let me know immediately!” I said as I took off and stormed through the main entrance of the building.

“Erin!” I yelled. I ran around the building and continued yelling out her name like a mad person. The pavement was damp and chilly. It must have rained during the night. A couple of teenage boys were giggling and pointing at me from a distance. I gave them a dirty look. They mocked me slightly by laughing even louder but I managed to wipe their grins right off their faces as I took a couple of steps towards them and then they ran off at full speed. One of them tripping over in the rush to get away from me. He got up fast and ran on with his friend, turning around once to make sure that I wasn’t

behind them. I must have looked crazy running around in my nightgown with bare feet and basically screaming but I couldn’t have cared less. My little girl was missing, I couldn’t think straight. From a distance I saw a police car driving towards our building. I ran back upstairs. My feet were dirty from having run in bare feet outside. Peter and I looked at each other, both hoping that the other had managed to find Erin but all hope was lost with that one look. I felt empty. The polis car was outside and even though I knew they were here to help I didn’t want them to come up. If they did, it really meant that my little girl was missing and I would have to except what was happening, and that scared me more than anything ever had. Maybe I was dreaming? A glimpse of hope ran through me. Oh please God, let me be dreaming. I tried to will myself to lift off the ground to see if I could fly or if anything felt off. I could usually tell when I was dreaming just by asking that question…am I dreaming? But everything felt normal. I looked around for any sort of clue as to weather this was a dream or not but I was kidding myself. There was nothing even remotely strange about my surroundings apart from the nightmare of my missing daughter. That didn’t feel real at all. I jumped as there was a knock on the door. Peter went over to let them in. Two male police officers, both quite tall, came through the door as Peter welcomed them in. I was holding my breath as they walked through the hallway. One of the police officers held out his hand to greet me. I looked at it for a second before holding out my hand to shake his but my hand felt numb. It felt like a robotic gesture. “Hi, I’m detective McCarthy, this here is officer Burton. Mr and Mrs Wallace, we have a few questions we need to ask you regarding your daughter. We will do everything in our power to find her but we are going to need your full cooperation to do so,” he said looking at us both while grabbing a notebook and pen from his jacket pocket. Peter put his arm around me. “Yes of course, anything you need,” he answered them. The police officer wrote down something before starting the questioning. A header perhaps. The other police officer had started inspecting the apartment, checking the windows and locks.

“What is your daughter’s full name?” Peter was the one who answered. I think I might have been in shock because I couldn’t seem to move or talk. “Erin Wallace-Walker.” “Any nicknames?” Peter shook his head. The detective looked at us both but I still felt unable to move. “How old is she?” he continued. “She just turned five,” Peter answered. The detective continued asking lots of questions such as her height, hair and eye colour and lengths and other questions regarding her appearance. He asked all about the night before, whether or not there had been any arguments or anything that Erin felt uncomfortable with? What time she had gone to bed and was there any chance she could’ve gone out of the apartment without us knowing about it? He asked if anything was off or if we had noticed anything out of the ordinary lately. He asked about her family and friends, who she was close to and if there was any friction in the family? Who her closest friend was? And did she ever talked to strangers? The questions kept on coming, like a background noice while I was standing there feeling trapped in a nightmare.

“Who else has the key to your flat?” “Just Alex’s mum and dad,” Peter answered. The police officer looked up. “Is there anyone you can think of who would want to take her away somewhere or someone that she would want to run away with, even if just for the night?” he asked.

I looked down and frowned. Peter noticed. “Alex?” he said my name like a question, knowing I was thinking of something. I looked up at his dazzling blue eyes, the same eyes our daughter had. “It’s probably nothing,” I said looking down again. “Any information you can give us, however small, is good,” the police officer cut in. “Well,” I continued, pausing briefly, “I just got the feeling somebody was watching me yesterday. Once during lunch when I was out with my friend Chris and once on the bus on the way home, but I didn’t see anyone.” I felt silly telling them about an eery feeling. Even if it was relevant I had zero description of the person or whatever it was. I had nothing to go on, just a spooky feeling. “If you can anything about this person let us know,” the detective said looking at me with a sympathetic smile. “Now I need you to call everyone you know, and I mean everybody. Your friends and family, her pre-school, her friends’ families, your neighbours, everybody, and ask them if they have seen her or if they have noticed anything out of the ordinary, like have they seen any people around that they don’t usually see? It could be at the park or at the supermarket. Has a stranger been extra kind to Erin? That sort of thing. First I’m going to need a couple of recent photos of her and something that smells like her. If she isn’t with any of your friends or family we will get the dogs in to smell her scent. Then I suggest that you get one of your friends or family to come over and stay at the flat whilst you go out and look for her in all the places that you would normally go to. We will start looking at surveillance cameras as soon as we get the pictures. You can send the pictures to this email address”, he said and handed me a little card, “and I will send it to the surveillance team so they know who to look for.” He took a deep breath and looked at us seriously. “We will do everything in our power to find your daughter. Please let us know of anything else that could be of value.”

Peter and I nodded and Peter thanked the detective. I was looking through the photos in my phone. I had so many of Erin. There was a lovely picture of her eating the ice cream that I had bought her the day before. She had ice cream on her nose and she was laughing out loud as I had pointed it out to her. Then there was the one at her party where she was dressed in a fairy costume, paper was flying around her as she couldn’t get the presents opened fast enough. I had also taken a lovely photo with Erin and Peter, they were smiling at each other with their foreheads touching, it really captured the moment. I ended up picking a picture where she was in her preschool clothes walking back home smiling as usual, and a picture that I had taken at the Royal botanical gardens a few weeks earlier. She was iring some pretty flowers with a couple of amazingly colourful butterflies fluttering above. She was so focused. You could have almost imagined that she was communicating with them.

Peter had started calling everyone we knew and ticking them off a list. The police officers were also making phone calls and following whatever procedure they were up to. I wasn’t paying too much attention to them. It all felt surreal, like a bizarre scary circus was taking place in my apartment, in my life. What kind of horrible joke was the universe pulling? I felt sick to my stomach. Where was our little girl?

Chapter 8 - The Search

There was a knock on the door, or more like a bulldozer through the door as my mother stormed in with my dad right behind her. She looked frustrated and she had tears in her eyes. “Where is she?” she demanded. “Kirsty”! my dad said with a dominant tone, letting my mother know that she was crossing a line. My mother looked at my dad and then back at me. She then burst into tears and wrapped her arms around me. I had gone stone cold. Her reaction made it all the more real. I couldn’t blink. She let go and looked at me. “We’re going to find her, mark my words, we are going to find our little girl,” she said as she took out a tissue to blow her nose with. “Go get dressed and I’ll make us all some tea. You are going to need some breakfast if you’re going to have the strength for the search party.” Food…I couldn’t eat. What was she thinking. I looked down and realised that I was still in my kimono. I took a couple of steps back and walked like a robot down the hall and into my room. I got out a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, the first thing I could find. I wasn’t sure I had blinked yet. I felt as if my emotions had paused, not being able to or perhaps refusing to accept what was going on. I walked into the bathroom and looked at a person in the mirror. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I splashed my face with cold water, trying to wake up from the nightmare surrounding me but nothing changed. I dabbed my face with a towel and walked back out to the livingroom where I saw Peter’s mum and dad talking to him. They saw me and

immediately rushed over to give me a quick hug. They were talking but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. There were so many people in the flat now but where was Erin? I found myself still looking for her as if she was still there. My mum handed me a cup of tea which I automatically took in my hands. I looked down at the black tea and it’s calm surface. I wanted to scream. I had to get out. I put the cup of tea that I was holding, on the counter next to me and walked quickly to the door without a word. “Alex?” I heard a couple of people behind me say but I didn’t respond. I had to get out of there, I opened the front door and continued walking down the stairs, faster and faster until I ran out of the main door and onto the street, nearly getting run over by a car. It screeched to a halt and I heard someone yell something angrily. I felt grass beneath my feet as I entered the Meadows, then I felt a hand on my shoulder which I angrily showed off, and then I heard a familiar voice. “Alex!?” Peter shouted with concern as he grabbed me, holding me tight as I stopped in my tracks. I felt his embrace and fell to my knees, he came down with me, not letting me go. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to erupt but nothing came out. “Alex, we’ve got to keep it together if we’re going to do this…we’ve got to be strong for her,” he whispered gently in my ear. I was panting, after a couple of seconds I nodded. I knew that he was right. I couldn’t freak out. I needed a clear head if I was going to find her. He eventually loosened his grip. “I’m going to go get you some shoes and then we can go look for her ok?” he said looking at me. “Yeah ok,” I answered, nodding my head. “I’ll get our parents to call everyone else and stay at the flat in case they hear or see anything and then I’ll be right back down.” I nodded my head and sat down on the grass. After a while Peter was standing in front of me with a pair of sneakers in

his hand and a bottle of water. “Here, you need to drink something.” I put on my shoes and drank some water before standing up. “So where do we start?” I asked him. “How about the park?” he suggested. I agreed and then we started on our way. We kept shouting out her name and asking everyone we saw if they had seen a little girl describing Erin. Peter had his mobile with him so that he could show them pictures of what she looked like and gave them our numbers so that we could be reached if they heard or saw anything. We got to the Park, her favourite, which was also pretty close to our flat. I looked around and saw a bunch of kids but none of them was Erin. I was also looking for her friends but saw none of them either, as it was a Wednesday most of them were at preschool. A mother in her early forties walked over to me. I had seen her a few times before at the park with her toddler. “Hello,” she said smiling. “Are you here with your girl today? Erin is it?” she asked, but as she was talking to me she read the look on my face, it must have been so obvious that something was wrong. “Is everything alright?” she asked. It took me a while to get the words out and as I said it, it lay in the air as more of a whisper. “She is missing…we can’t find her.” The woman looked taken aback. “Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help? Please give me your number and I’ll let you know if I see her.” Peter had heard our conversation and had written down his number on a little piece of paper that he had also brought along. “Please… let me know if there is anything else I can do?” she said as she

took the little piece of paper that Peter handed to her. “Thank you,” Peter and I both said in unison. She looked over at her toddler. A gorgeous little boy with light blond and curly hair who was playing with a toy car by the swings close to us and I could tell that she was imagining how hard this must be for us. She looked back at me with a huge sympathetic look. I nodded at her, acknowledging her empathy. We walked all around the park shouting out Erin’s name and handing out our number just in case anyone saw her. When we felt certain that she definitely wasn’t there we continued on through the entire meadows. We split up and met further down but there was no sign of her. Peter called home a few times checking if they had made any progress but they had come up with nothing.

It was getting close to lunch as we got to the preschool. A few kids ran up to me. “Where is Erin?” one little girl asked. A boy next to her rolled his eyes. “She was going away ,” he said. I stared at the little ginger haired boy. I bent down fast and grabbed hold of his arm, perhaps a little too hard. “What do you mean?” The boy was shocked at my reaction and looked close to tears. I quickly loosened my grip, realising how harsh I must have seemed and tried to smile a little, compensating for my irrational behaviour. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Do you know where Erin is?” I tried. The little boy swallowed hard. “She only said it was time to leave, she said some angel had told her so.”

“Did she say where to?” I asked him, feeling hopeful. “Nope, she just said that she was leaving,” he said as he took off towards the swings. I stood up looking at Peter. “Why would she say that?” I asked both Peter and myself. Peter just shook his head not knowing what to make of it. We spoke with the teachers and asked them to all the parents that had children at the preschool and inform them. Maybe someone had seen or heard from her.

We continued our search as Peter talked to his sister Dana on the phone and she in turn went out on social media and put the word out. We had gone to all the places we could think of when we decided to head back and check up on the progress back home. My feet were aching as we hadn’t stopped all day but the adrenalin had done its magic so I hadn’t noticed it until we got back. It was five in the afternoon as we walked through our front door. My mum and dad were sitting on the couch looking at some list they had written whilst Peter’s mum was in the kitchen making some food and his dad was standing by the window looking out onto the street. They all looked up as we walked in. “Anything?” Peter asked them, looking around. They all shook their heads apart from his dad who just turned back to the window and continued staring out onto the street. “You need to eat something. You’ve got to keep up your strength,” his mother said looking at us both. “I’m not hungry,” I replied weakly. “You’ll be good for nothing if you don’t fuel up,” she insisted. I had to be strong for Erin but the thought of eating just made me feel sick.

Saying that, I hadn’t eaten all day and she did make a valid point. I nodded slowly. “Maybe just a bite then,” I said feeling my stomach turn. I grabbed my phone on the counter. I had forgotten to take it earlier when I had rushed out of the apartment, not thinking straight at the time. I looked at the screen and saw that I had thirty-five missed calls and twentyone texts. There were calls from my sister Emma and brother Jason, my boss Christine, Chris and Lisa and other acquaintances. I had a few voicemails as well. They were all from concerned family and friends who wanted to help in any way they could. All apart from Christine’s first voicemail where she was wondering where the hell I was. I had forgotten to call work in all that had been going on. My mum saw me on the phone listening to voicemails. “Oh by the way, we answered your phone when your boss tried calling for the third time. She is doing everything she can to help as well.” I nodded just as I listened to yet another voicemail from Christine. She was extremely apologetic and insured me that she would do whatever it took to help in this awful situation. I read the rest of the text messages before putting the phone down next to me as I turned on my computer. Peter’s mum had put out a couple of plates of spaghetti carbonara on the counter for us. We sat down on the barstools and started eating in silence. It felt so wrong taking the time to eat when I should be looking for my little girl but I was lost in what else to do. We had searched all the places we could think of. The police were on it. All our family and friends were doing everything they could. I decided that I would eat just so I could get some strengths in me and then I would head out again. There was a knock on the door and I flew out of the chair knocking it to the ground and ran to the door hoping with all my heart that it would be Erin, but as I pulled open the door with unnecessary force my heart sank. It was the police. They had a couple of bloodhound dogs with them. “Mrs Wallace, these are our tracking dogs. We need something that your

daughter has worn that hasn’t been washed that the dogs can smell. If her scent is out there there is a big possibility that they can pick up on it.” “Yeah, sure, hang on,” I answered before I turned and walked to Erin’s bedroom. I looked at her bed and felt my whole body ache. I walked over and lifted up her cushion holding it to my face and breathing in deeply. It smelled just like her. My Erin, my sweet little girl. My beautiful girl. My knees gave in as I fell to the floor. The eruption I had felt before now heading fast to the surface and I screamed. My face felt wet, I couldn’t stop screaming. I was terrified. Peter had rushed into the room and put his arms around me. I quieted down but tears were flooding from my eyes. I felt a few drops on my head and noticed Peter also crying heavily. We just sat there for a while embracing each other, knowing what the other one was feeling. Someone, perhaps one of our parents, I wasn’t paying attention, had come in, picked up the cushion and handed it to the police. I wasn’t sure how long we sat there but we didn’t have much of a choice. My knees simply weren’t working. It was as if all the energy that I had was going into crying. There was none left for the rest of my body.

After a while we both calmed down a little. I looked up and into Peter’s eyes. I barely recognised them, red and full of worry. Normally, his ice blue eyes would quite literally sparkle and I would at times find myself staring into them, but now…it was as if looking at another person all together. “Let’s head back out… if you’re ready?” He sounded determined and, injured somehow. “Yes,” came my weak reply. We got the saddest looks from our parents as we headed back out. I could see my mum and dad had tears in their eyes. We didn’t exchange any words, they knew where we were going. I grabbed a thin jacket and my mobile, Peter did the same and then we were out again. We saw the police and the dogs over in the meadows. We headed over to them to check if they had picked up on anything. One of the police officers had something in his hand. Something pink. He held it out for us to look at.

“Do you recognise this.” In his hand was a little pink hair accessory in the shape of a butterfly. It was Erin’s. I stared at it and gently took it from his hand as if it was an actual butterfly. “Yes, this is Erin’s.” I paused briefly. “We go to the park a lot, she could have dropped it I suppose.” I put the hair accessory in my back pocket and looked at the dogs, who seemed to be going in no particular direction. “What are they doing?” I asked. “They are searching for your daughters scent. They haven’t picked up on anything apart from that hair-pin so far,” he said pointing at my pocket, “but these things can take time.” ‘Time’, I thought, we don’t have time. Erin doesn’t have time. What if some bad man had taken her? What if she was being taken away somewhere and we were looking in all the wrong places? What if she had fallen down somewhere and she was too weak to call for help? A thousand more ‘what if’s’ were racing through my mind. Peter put his hand gently on my back. “Let’s do a wider search. I’ll get the car and we’ll drive around town and make stops all over…OK?” I couldn’t think of anything better to do and besides, the dogs were taking care of this area. “Yeah, let’s do that,” I agreed. We both got in the car and started the search. It was around six pm as we took off.

We didn’t get back until eleven, having stopped at every supermarket, every park, all her favourite shops, the swimming pool and around my mum and dad’s house. After all the places we could think of to look for Erin we thought it was time to go back and see how things were going back in the flat.

Nothing much had changed back home either. The police had nothing to report but were still out searching. Chris, Lisa and our siblings had also been out searching and told all their friends about it and were putting up pictures of Erin with the heading ‘Missing child’ with our phone number at the bottom. Our parents thought it best to head back to their houses incase she found her way there. “Call us for any reason, OK? We’ll be back sometime in the morning. One of us will stay at the house just in case,” my mum said as she got ready to leave with my dad. Peter’s dad went home but his mum stayed. She thought it would be best that someone was here incase we wanted to go out searching again. She didn’t mention it but I got the feeling she felt the need to look after us as well. She knew we would forget to eat and drink. Besides, we needed the extra and she was such a sweetheart. Very motherly, in a nice and warm way. She put out some teacups as we started talking about what we had been doing all day, mainly to check off a mental list in our heads. My brain was emptied. I felt so powerless not knowing what else to do. I felt as if I was looking for a needle in a haystack, although had it been a haystack I would at least know to look in it. Erin could be anywhere in the world. How did she even get out? There was no way she could have gone through the window, they all had safety locks on them and she would have fallen, unless she had a ladder. The front door needed a key which we still had and the door was locked when we had gone up in the morning. Peter and I both ed putting her to bed. It was all so strange. I walked into her bedroom looking around for some sort of evidence but it all looked as it normally did. No sign of forced entry and nothing out of place. ‘Erin, where are you?’ I thought as I closed my eyes and got a flash of her light-blue eyes and a feathery warm touch to the cheek like a little palm. A memory perhaps, but it was as vivid as if I had opened my eyes and seen it for real. I gasped. I looked around but all was still. I felt it then. She was alive, somehow, I wasn’t sure how or where or why but I felt her. I felt my girl.

Chapter 9 - The Park

I took a deep breath, smelling the freshness of newly mowed grass as I sat on a bench by the park. This was one of Erin’s favourite parks. It had slides, ropes to climb on and lots of tunnels to crawl through. We would often bring a picnic here, providing the weather was good, and sit together with other parents that I had met when Erin was a toddler. If it was a weekend, mum and dad would often us or Chris and Lisa. Peter ed as often as he could, not wanting to miss a second of family time. He sometimes acted like a bigger kid than Erin. He looked quite disappointed the first time he realised that he was too big to climb through the tunnels with Erin. He would have fitted perhaps and he even tried, but he got harsh looks from the mothers nearby so he had backed away from trying to squeeze in. It had made me laugh hysterically at the time. Today it was just Erin and I. The sun was out. I was sitting with Erin’s little denim jacket in my hands, bringing it to my chest and hugging it as if hugging a person. “Mummy!” I looked up feeling a sense of joy but at the same time something was weighing me down. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was though. Erin was waving at me from the top of the slide. I smiled at her, taking in her beautiful, angel-like features. I suppose that is how all parents see their children and rightly so. Still, I couldn’t help but feel that I, in fact, did have the prettiest daughter put on the planet earth. “Look at me mummy” she said sitting herself down on the long slide and putting her hands in the air. “No hands,” she continued before sliding down with a big wide smile and a shout for joy as she slid down. I laughed at her comment and got off the bench to go and meet her at the bottom of the slide. “Was that fun?” I asked her as she arrived at the bottom.

“It was amazing mummy,” she said, giving me a big hug. I held her in my arms, feeling the weight of trouble slightly diminishing. “Do you want to go again?” I asked. She nodded her head and ran back to the stairs that lead all the way to the top of the slide. She must have been really fast because it only took a couple of seconds and she was at the top again, waving to me, making sure I was watching. “Mummy! Watch this” she said as she took off down the slide once again, only this time she had a new trick to show me. She slid down and just before she hit the bottom of the slide she kicked up and bounced high up in the air. As she came down from her bounce she kicked off from the ground again sending her higher up in the air to just above the park’s treetops. She continued this with another few jumps as I saw her enthusiasm and joy. She finally came to a stop. I felt her happiness shining from her as though she was a sun beaming at me. “Wow, sweetie that was amazing! How did you learn how to do that?” I asked her. She took my hand and looked up at me. “You just believe you can and then you will. Just kick the ground mummy.” “OK,” I answered doubtfully but with an eagerness to learn. Erin counted to three as we kicked up from the ground. She took off but gravity pulled me right back down again, leaving me feeling a little disappointed. She came back down looking at me like a teacher who knows you can do better. “Mummy, you aren’t believing that you can. Just forget everything else and really feel that you can,” she said emphasising the word ‘feel’. I nodded my head, took a deep breath and we counted to three again whilst looking each other in the eyes. We simultaneously kicked off the ground and bounced high up in the air, a good seven feet up or so. It felt like gravity had

bended its rules and we were light as feathers. We came back down and bounced even higher this time. The third time we stayed up in the air for a minute or so looking out over the castle-like silhouette of our city. The sun was setting and the sky was a dark blue. “Mummy, it’s pretty here isn’t it?” she said with the low sun casting an orange glow over her face, making it sparkle like fairy dust on her skin. “It’s divine sweetie,” I said as we slowly came down to the ground again. “I have to go now” she abruptly said, which made me frown but then I thought that she must mean that she wanted to go home. “OK honey, it’s getting late, we should go home to dad now.” She looked up at me with a serious face. “No mummy, I can’t go home now.” I felt an uncomfortable feeling creeping over me. “What do you mean honey? Of course you can.” Erin shook her head and let go of my hand. “I love you mummy,” she said as she took a few steps back. I started feeling a panic rise within me. “Erin, you’re not being funny. Now come here. Daddy’s waiting.” “They say I don’t belong here anymore,” she said as a matter of fact but with a slight confusion in her eyes. It had turned darker around us and I could feel a chill running through my bones. “Who told you that?” I said feeling an anger towards whoever would say such a thing and took a few steps towards her. I heard a noise behind me, like a big crack, which made me jump and as I blinked she was gone. Another blink and I was sitting upon the floor in

Erin’s room. I had fallen asleep there holding on to her favourite teddy. Peter rushed in looking worried, which seemed to be the only facial expressions we were carrying since Erin’s disappearance. As reality hit me so did a whole wave of emotion. I felt bile in my mouth as I ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. Tears were streaming down my face as my stomach emptied. It was as if it was trying to empty my body of the horrible sadness. I couldn’t stand the feeling. Where was my daughter? After a while I looked up to see Peter sitting on the floor next to me. I hadn’t noticed him sitting there. His eyes glanced over. I had never seen him looking so worn out. I doubted he had slept yet. He looked defeated. He wasn’t aware that I was looking at him. I put my hand on his and he looked up as if he had been lost in thought. “What did you dream?” he asked. “How did you know I was dreaming?” I asked, thinking back to the dream with Erin. “You were talking in your sleep and then you screamed, I was just outside the room. Then you rushed here to throw up…plus the fact that you always dream,” he said managing a tiny flicker of his half smile that I loved so dearly. “Nightmare?” he asked with concern. “Yes and no,” I said looking down. “I dreamt of Erin.” Peter looked up. I couldn’t read his facial expression which was very unusual. It looked like a mix of hope, anger, confusion and something else I couldn’t place. I felt like I needed to go on and explain more. He was obviously itching for more information regarding my dream. “We were at the park, the one on Princes Street. It was just me and her. I didn’t know that I was dreaming at first. Erin bounced high up in the air and then she taught me how to do it. It was magical. She looked so well and happy Peter,” I said as I recollected every minor detail of the dream, not wanting to forget anything. “She told me it was time for her to go and that she wasn’t meant to come back or that she couldn’t. I don’t know…she disappeared just before I woke up.” I choked on the last part about her disappearing, finding it hard to say it out loud.

Peter just sat there staring at me with big eyes. I had no idea what was going through his mind. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “Do you think it might be like when we met?” he asked. There was hope in his voice. “That maybe she is showing you where she is now? Or trying to you somehow?” he continued. I hadn’t thought about it but maybe he had a point. What if she was trying to show me something? “Maybe…” I said looking up at Peter. He looked even more hopeful. “Do you think you could go back to sleep now?” he asked looking at me like a child asking if he can have sweets on a school night. I felt tired and rundown so maybe I could fall back asleep. It was getting light outside which meant I can’t have slept for long. We had been out looking for her until five in the morning. The police had insisted that we should go home and let them take care of the search. ‘We can get back to you in the morning when you’ve had some rest’, the police officer had said, which had made me quite angry at the time but in the end I couldn’t think of anything I could do that could be of value to the situation. I looked at Peter and nodded my head, agreeing to try to fall back asleep and hopefully see Erin again. I washed my face and brushed my teeth to get rid of the horrible taste of bile in my mouth and then we both went to bed. Peter held me which felt comforting and needed. I lay there for a long time but it was as if my mind had decided that I wasn’t going back to sleep. I was over-tired and I was thinking way too much about every little detail of the days leading up to her disappearance, wondering if I had forgotten something that could be vital to the case. I could tell Peter was checking on me, seeing if I had fallen asleep as we lay there in bed and I could feel his disappointment when he noticed that I wasn’t. After about an hour I could hear him breathing heavily so I got up, feeling frustrated over not being able to go back to my dreamworld, back to my daughter.

Chapter 10 - Searching in Vain

It was eight-thirty in the morning as I sat down on the couch with a cup of strong coffee that Peter’s mum had handed to me. I dialled the direct number to detective McCarthy, the officer in charge of the search, for an up-date but they had nothing. The dogs hadn’t caught up Erin’s scent anywhere, which was hugely disappointing. The officer had asked about all the people in Erin’s life, who she was close to or if she had mentioned anybody we didn’t know of. They were on to the next part of the investigation where they went round interviewing all of them, asking about anything they could have seen or heard. They had already been to her preschool and spoken with the staff who had insisted there had been no strangers at the pre-school that they knew of or had even suspected, but were now taking precaution nonetheless just to be on the safe side. This made me feel sick again. There was a possibility a bad person had taken her, kidnapped her and for what? I felt gentle hands on my shoulders. Peter’s mum Julia had sensed my worry. I held the mobile to my ear only half listening as my imagination had taken over with images of horrible scenarios. “Mrs Wallace-Walker?” I heard the the detective ask. “Yes,” I answered. “Good, you’re still there. Look, I need you to stay at home and keep track of the situation from there. Call everyone you know and please, if there is anything or anyone you can think of that may be of importance you call us even if it seems insignificant.” “Yes… OK,” I answered, not knowing what else to say. I lay the phone down on the cushion next to me. Julia gave me a big hug and sat down by my side. She also looked sad but she was the kind of person that became stronger in tough situations. She would be strong for everyone

else until the storm had settled, allowing herself to fall apart only after everyone else was alright. It felt good having someone like that around. We had to take it in turns to look after each other. That’s what life was all about. Everyone had their ups and downs and we had to be there for each other to help one another up when the other one fell. There was a knock on the door. Julia got up to check who it was. I heard Lisa’s voice and then footsteps, there was more than one person. Chris was right behind her. They both sat down on either side of me looking concerned. “How are you feeling?” Lisa asked, putting her hand on top of mine. I didn’t say anything, I just looked at her. I didn’t know how to respond to that question. How was I feeling? Terrified, distraught. I felt like a part of me had died and wouldn’t come back to life unless Erin found her way back to me. Lisa shook her head. “Sorry, that was a really stupid question,” she said. “Agreed,” Chris cut in. Lisa gave him a dirty look. “Look, Alex,” Lisa continued. “We walked around yesterday to all the places we could think of. We’ve put out a picture of Erin on all the social media we know of, asking if they have seen her. We’ve had loads of shares so eyes and ears are out there.” We sat silent for a minute. “We’ve taken the day off work, anything you need, just let us know,” Chris said. He said ‘we’ as if they were back together again. I nodded to let him know I had heard what he had said. The mobile vibrated next to me, it was my mum. “Hi mum,” I said with a huge lump in my throat. “Hello darling, any news?” she asked. “No,” I whispered defeatedly.

I heard her take a deep disappointed breath. “I’ll be over later. I have to take your father to the hospital first. He has some tests that need to be done today.” My dad…I hadn’t given him a second thought. He was getting tested for his cancer and in the chaos of it all I had forgotten about it. Again, I felt sick. What was happening? Had I been too happy perhaps? Had my fortune with Peter and Erin been too much? Was there a sort of happiness pot in which we could all receive happiness and if it got too filled something would have to give? Was that really the way the world worked? “Alex…Alex?” my mum repeated. “Yes I’m here,” I answered her. “I will call you as soon as I can, I’m not sure how long this is going to take.” “OK,” I replied and hung up the phone.

A couple of hours later Peter walked into the living-room. Lisa and Chris were chatting quietly over in the corner by the window. Peter’s mum was making brunch for all of us. I was looking through a long list of things that we had done so far, things yet to be done, names of everybody including the police, friends and family. I was also writing a journal of everything we had done the days prior to the disappearance. Thinking of anything at all that I could hand to the police that may be useful to the case. “Why did you guys let me sleep?” Peter asked with a tone of annoyance as he stood in our hallway. “Because you needed to sleep. Alex needs to sleep as well. We’re doing everything we can and you being exhausted means you won’t be able to think properly anyway,” his mum told him and walked up to him, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Now let’s eat some brunch and build up our strength and then get back

to work, alright?” Peter looked around, undecided what to do, but then finally agreed by nodding his head. He walked over to me and sat down. He put his arm around me. “Any leads?” he whispered. I just shook my head, refusing to mutter the word ‘no’. That would seem too harsh, as if there was no hope.

Julia had made eggs and bacon, bread rolls, some fruit, tea and coffee. We ate in silence. Our minds however were not silent. I could tell everyone was deep in thought, trying to figure out how to solve this case, which felt like an unsolvable puzzle. There was a knock on the door and the police walked through. Peter and I stood up simultaneously. I tried reading the police officer’s expression. He looked serious but not as if he had bad news. Oh God please let it not be bad news. “Mr and Mrs Wallace,” Peter squeezed my hand. “I’m afraid we have no leads as of yet. We’ve spoken to everyone on your list. The dogs didn’t pick up on anything. The surveillance cameras gave nothing. However, we are still looking. We really need your help now. We have a few more questions that we need to ask you.” He read our faces. “Not to worry, we’re not giving up yet,” he added. He pulled out his pen and paper and started asking more questions. This time it was more about our personal relationship with her. He asked us about our sleeping patterns and if either of us sleep-walked at all. Was it possible that we could have been walking in our sleep and left the door open? But the door was locked that morning so we would have had to unlock the door and then lock it again…in our sleep…which seemed quite

far fetched. As far as I knew I hadn’t sleepwalked ever and I had never noticed Peter doing it either. We were asked plenty more questions like that. Some of them were a bit odd I thought but anything that could help was good and we didn’t want to leave any stone unturned so I answered every question he threw at us. When the police had left, Peter pulled me aside. “Did you dream of Erin again?” he asked. I didn’t want to answer him, knowing he would only get disappointed. “No… I couldn’t fall back asleep,” I said looking down, not wanting to look him in the eyes. He hugged me. I knew that he was disappointed but he also knew he couldn’t put that kind of pressure on me. For all I knew, it could have been wishful thinking that lead to my dreams. I wanted to believe that it was more than that, but I had no proof and Erin had given me no clues as to where she was, physically anyway. The rest of the day we took turns being out searching and staying in the flat, as well as making phone calls and checking in with the detective in charge. He kept reminding us that he would call if they found anything but we kept calling once an hour or so regardless, leaving him slightly annoyed. He clearly tried to hide it but it was obvious. More policemen had been in the flat and checked for fingerprints and checking the windows. I had asked who’s fingerprints they were looking for and they had answered that it could be anyone’s that didn't belong there. They took our fingerprints as well so they would know if the ones they found belonged to strangers or not. It frightened me, the thought of somebody else having been in our flat.

My mum had arrived at the flat early evening looking very sad. “Darling, I am so sorry it took such a long time,” she said. I looked behind her. “Where is dad?” I asked.

“He had to stay at the hospital. They ran some tests but have to run a few more and they want to start treatment straight away.” “What…why?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer. My mum’s eyes filled with tears. “Oh darling, I’m so sorry but the tests came back positive, your father definitely has cancer.” She broke down in tears. “I suppose I was fooling myself by praying that the first tests were faulty…and now Erin…” She brought out her handkerchief and wept into it hysterically. I was just staring at her. Peter came up from behind me and put an arm around my mum and led her to the couch. I followed shortly after. My mum continued after a while. “It’s aggressive, it doesn’t look good,” she looked up at me. “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this now with everything else going on…our little girl missing, but I need to be honest with you.” I couldn’t say a word. It was all too much. My mum looked around at the people in the room. Julia was still there and my brother Jason had come over only a few minutes earlier. He had been out putting up more posters. “Any new information?” she asked. Julia was the one who answered. “No, I’m afraid not.” My mum looked down at the tissue in her hand and fell silent. I couldn’t believe the reality of what I was facing and just wanted to escape. “I can’t stay in here anymore, I need to get out,” I announced. I got up and headed to the hallway, put on my shoes and hurried out. Peter came running down behind me. He grabbed me but his touch wasn’t gentle. “You can’t just rush out without explanation,” he said angrily. “I don’t need one more person to worry about damn it.”

I looked at him in shock. He had never grabbed me like that before. He let go of me, looking a little chocked over his own behaviour I think, and scratched the back of his head whilst looking down. He was crying now. We didn’t say anything for a while. “I’m so sorry Alex,” he sobbed. “I just can’t lose you too. We are in this together. Stop running away like that. I need you,” he said. He was right, I had been selfish. He had comforted me whenever he saw that I needed it but I had been too deep in grief to take his feelings into consideration. Of course he was distraught and terrified, just like I was. He needed me like I needed him. I put my hand gently on his cheek. “I’m sorry Peter… I’m sorry.” We embraced each other, holding on to each other tight. We were in this together. We had to be to survive this.

- Five Weeks Later -

Chapter 11 - Land of Fairies

Warm vibrant colours reflected on the water’s surface. My hand touching the water as it flowed on by after having travelled down a small waterfall nearby, gently caressing my skin with a warm nourishing feeling that continued up my arm and throughout my body. I was sitting down in soft moss. I felt something tickle my bare feet and looked up. Erin was sitting with a grass straw, drawing it over the hollow of my foot. I laughed from the tickling sensation. “Hello my little monkey, are you the one tickling me huh? Come here you,” I said as I grabbed hold of her and gave her a good tickle, making her burst out with laughter. I held her close, feeling an ache in me. I understood then that I was in a dream and with that thought I held her even longer. After a while Erin seemed to want to let go, so I loosened my grip on her, feeling slightly afraid that she might disappear if I let her go. “Mummy, I made this,” she said looking across the little river and all around at the magnificent maple trees and colourful flowers that gave off the most amazing scents, like the very beginning of spring when everything has started to bloom. Birds were singing joyful melodies and I had never seen such magnificent colours in nature, even in my own dreams. “What do you mean?” I asked her curiously. “All of this,” she said gesturing all around; “I just thought it up and it appeared, they told me it’s like that here.” “Who do you mean honey?” I asked, feeling confused but at the same time happy that my daughter had a place to spread her imagination. “The angels,” she whispered as she was giving her full attention to a soft pink flower petal that had landed in her palm. Holding it gently as if it

would break if she spoke to loudly. She softly blew on it, making it fly up and follow the gentle breeze in the air. It travelled halfway across the water and landed on the surface as if it meant to land exactly there. The angels? I thought of the angel I had met years ago. If that was the kind of angel around Erin now, it softened my worry slightly. I would know that she was well looked after. I took a deep breath, smelling the scent of the forest. All my senses were magnified and I felt incredibly relaxed. Something captured Erin’s attention and I followed her curious gaze. “Hello,” Erin said looking out over the water. I had to blink a few times to get my eyes focused but then I saw what she was looking at. At first I thought it was a large butterfly but as I looked closer I noticed that the body of the butterfly was that of a tiny human female body. She was gorgeous with her dark pixie haircut, large eyes that were the same main colour of her wings which were a vibrant purple and her short dress that seemed to reflect the surroundings. She waved to Erin with a big smile. Erin put out her hand, clearly wanting the fairy-like creature to come over. The fairy spread her wings and flew up in the air landing on Erin’s hand. They looked at each other for a long time. They seemed to be communicating but they weren’t saying anything. The fairy swooped up in the air and flew away. Erin hopped up and looked at me. “Come on!” she said as if we were in a rush. I got up. “Where are we going?” I asked her as she grabbed my hand and started running in the direction the fairy had taken off. “She’s showing us her family,” she said in an excited tone. I felt a growing and excited anticipation about seeing more fairies. I had always loved the idea of them, not that I ever knew exactly what these amazing story-like creatures were but Erin’s excitement was rubbing off on me and we were both skipping along happily, feeling the magic in the air. I

felt like a child all over again. “Over here mummy,” Erin said pointing to a huge maple tree. It was the most magnificent tree I had ever seen. The trees around it, that were also fine and lush but slightly smaller and mostly green, had made way for it as if it was the sublime queen of the forest. It vibrated with all colours you could imagine. It kept changing colour as the soft breeze hit the branches. It was enormous. If you were to spread out your arms you could probably fit at least five people around it. “Wow,” I said, simply staring at its beauty. Erin had let go of my hand and gone up close. I followed her after a short while. We stood under the branches, the shine of the tree hitting us with all of the colours. The fairy from earlier flew over to us and floated in midair in front of Erin. This time they spoke out loud. “Is this your home? It’s amazing,” Erin said looking around. “Yes it is, and this is my family,” the fairy replied with a bell like sort of voice. Erin frowned. “What do you mean? Where?” Erin asked curiously. The fairy smiled and then started to sing. With her singing, more voices ed in. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from but it sounded close and got louder with every phrase. It was a very soothing melody. I felt movement around us and my eyes widened as I realised that the leaves of the tree hadn’t been leaves at all. They were in fact all fairies making up the gorgeous tree together. They were all singing in harmony. Then I saw movement and all the fairies spread out their wings and stared flying around us. Erin smiled at them. She was spinning around and laughing up towards the sunny sky as she sang and danced with them. I started to dance as well, not being able to contain myself. The music just made my body want to flow along with it. I moved perfectly to the sounds around me. Nature had it’s rhythm and one couldn’t fight it, not that you would want to.

After a while of delightful dancing I looked back at the tree where I clearly saw that this was in fact a home. They were one big family. I walked up and looked to all their little parts of the tree and what they were up to. Most of them were simply humming along peacefully and slowly waving their magnificent wings. They looked so relaxed, it was like looking at a sort of spa for fairies. I looked closer at one who at a closer glance I noticed was male. He wore sparkling light-blue shorts and a classy vest-top. His dark hair was a perfectly styled low fade haircut with his upper hair to the side. I was mesmerised by his huge, blue eyes which were the same blue as his clothes but they sparkled brighter, like looking at the stars on a night sky far out on the countryside. His light blue wings reflected part of what he wore and part of the tree around him. They too, were moving ever so slightly, the way a dogs tail seems to have a life of its own, so did these fairy creatures wings. I took a step towards him where he sat on a low hung branch. He looked up from his scroll and nearly dropped the tiny pen in his hand. I had probably woken him from a deep thought. He saw me and smiled. “Hello,” I said. “Hello,” came his reply in an incredibly soothing breathy voice. “What are you doing?” I asked, glancing at the scroll in his hand. “It’s a poem for a girl that I like. I hope that she will like it and choose to dance with me when it is blossom season.” “What is blossom season?” I asked curiously. “It is the time of the year when we find a partner to dance with and watch things grow. When we dance and sing we bring life’s energy to all living things. If the girl I am writing this for chooses not to be with me then I try again next year and choose another to write for, in which case my partner is not yet in my vision so there is no sadness. If she does choose me however, we meet on the first day of blossom season and dance. Whenever we dance and sing things grow, but if we do it in a partnership with intense high vibration of love, then things really glow and nature becomes a magnificent masterpiece,” he said looking out. I could tell that he was imagining it as he said it. He looked like he was recalling a splendid memory.

“That sounds lovely. I can’t imagine it being anymore wonderful than this though,” I said looking out to the forest. The fairly sat up. “Hey, would you and Erin like to climb the tree to the top? You get a fabulous view from up there,” he said. I turned to Erin who was right behind me giggling with a few fairies. I bent down next to her, getting her attention. “Erin honey, would you like to climb to the top of the tree?” I asked enthusiastically. Erin’s eyes widened and she nodded her head and got up. Normally I would have been scared for Erin’s safety but this tree felt blessed and protected somehow. It seemed like it had been around forever. The fairy that I had just talked to got up from his branch. “Follow me,” he said waving us in. Erin went ahead of me and started climbing. It was an incredibly easy tree to climb with the branches being so close to each other, almost as if it was grown for the purpose of climbing. We saw lots of fairies on our way up, all with their unique set of wings, clothing and hairstyles and all of them were lovely and glowing. For me, it was like a childhood dream come true. It was so magical. The fairy guiding us showed us the simplest way up and we followed him, feeling excited. As we got to the top we saw across the entire forest, which seemed to stretch as far as the eye could see. The sun was slowly setting which created a warm orange glow over the treetops. I held Erin in my arms, making sure she didn’t fall. We were very high up. I tilted my head looking up and saw into space, but not space as we know it. I saw into infinite universes. I saw part of our galaxy, the Milky way, and beyond that I saw other galaxies that were on top of each other. They seemed to go on forever. A slight turn of my head and I noticed that even our own galaxy was multiple. I turned to the fairy. “Parallel universes?” I asked curiously.

“Yes. Everything that has happened or will happen lies here. Every possible outcome. Quite spectacular to watch isn’t it.” “Yes it is…so is the theory of parallel universes true?” “Of course… With free will we can create anything. We are creators and the best part; It doesn’t matter if you stray aside. It is all part of the expansion of the universe. We keep learning. Besides, there are loads more of you having other experiences so you’re not missing out.” I thought for a moment. “So what you’re saying is that there is another me in every layer that I am looking at?” I asked. “And beyond,” he added. “Although in some of them you weren’t born but in most of them, yes, there is another you doing other things. Meeting new people. Making new decisions. Forever learning.” “Wow, fascinating,” I said. “What do you mean by everything that will ever happen has happened though?” I asked, feeling confused. He looked at me with a mischievous smile. “You’ll have to wait and see,” he said and winked at me. “Of course, you can always take a little peek at this timeline in other parallel universes now…but promise you won’t tell,” he whispered close to me and Erin. Erin was busy talking to another fairy but I nodded my head whilst looking up at the magnificent masterpiece of creation before me. The fairy flew up a yard or so in front of me and held out his finger, pointing to one of our many galaxies and seemed to touch it slightly. It flew with immense speed towards us and, as if through a huge magnifying glass, it honed in on our solar-system and then planet earth. It looked pretty much the same but as we got closer I saw tiny details that differed from our world. Scotland was bigger. It took up the whole of the UK and was attached to . It’s like I could see the whole reality of that place in one moment. There was another president of the United States that I didn’t recognise and

there had been a ban on guns across the globe. All in all quite a peaceful place. The whole earth, galaxy and universe flew back to its original size and place as a new one came up in view. It looked darker. A lot of wars were breaking out. I looked closer and saw myself with Peter. We didn’t live in Edinburgh. We were living in the countryside trying to avoid the war. I couldn’t see Erin but there was a little boy there. He had my eyes but Peter’s smile. He was a gorgeous little boy and it broke my heart to see such an innocent soul living in a world with so much hate. Peter and I looked worn out but there was still love there and I hoped that the boy would grow up to feel that love and that there was still hope for humanity. It drew away from us and in swept another reality. Most of the earth was under water. There were a few countries still but the ice caps had melted almost entirely. I wondered if it was due to pollution or something else. I looked closer to see my family but I couldn’t find them at first. I eventually saw myself and my sister Emma, but we were living in New Zealand. We weren’t alone. I was with another man. I frowned looking at myself with someone else, although he seemed pretty nice. Maybe I hadn’t met Peter in this reality. That universe flew back and I looked at the fairy, my mouth was open in awe. “Pretty impressive right?” he said as if incredibly pleased with himself. “That’s one way of putting it,” I said. “So these events are all happening right now on this timeline but in a parallel universe.” “Yes,” he answered as he flew back down next to me. I looked at Erin feeling blessed to have her in my arms at this moment. I didn’t want it to end. In another universe I had a boy. I pictured him as Erin’s brother as I started visualising the future. The sun was nearly gone from our view as I heard the fairies singing a very soothing melody as if sending the forest off to sleep. The boy fairy

looked at me with his big blue sparkling eyes. “It’s time for you to sleep now,” he said. I was starting to feel rather sleepy from the angelic singing surrounding me, but I wasn’t planning on closing my eyes for a second. I was going to stay here with Erin for as long as I could. The fairy gently hummed before me and my eyelids grew heavy as if under a sleeping spell. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and felt dizziness catching on, then I seemed to be falling. The song, the smells, the light, all disappearing. I knew I was going to hit the ground, my body jerked and I opened my eyes looking up at the ceiling in my bedroom with the same heart wrenching feeling of loss that I’d had every morning since Erin’s disappearance.

Chapter 12 - Diagnosis

I blinked and stared up at the ceiling in our dark bedroom. I looked to my side were Peter normally lay, only lately he hadn’t been there in the mornings. He’d had a really hard time sleeping since Erin’s disappearance and preferred to stand by the window overlooking the meadows, ranking his brain and thinking of anything he could have missed. But we had already gone over everything a million times. We had even felt suspicious of our neighbours, giving them dirty looks sometimes as if they might have something to do with it. Peter was worse though. I knew in my heart that they were innocent in all of this. The police had gone into all the apartments for interviews and they’d had a look around just to make sure. The case was still open but they had stopped the search by foot and instead were searching for clues via other sources. They had said that there was no point in going over the same places over and over again and that it might distract from other evidence elsewhere, like people or organisations on the internet that dealt with kidnapping and trafficking. I couldn’t cope with the idea of her being kidnapped and used for God knows what, so I had focused more on the dreams and hoping through some miracle that it meant that she was safe somehow.

I stroked the cold sheets where Peter normally lay and felt alone. It wasn’t just Erin who had disappeared, my husband had disappeared as well. Not physically but mentally. The same humorous loving man had turned into a silent and bitter one. See that is what people forget. When someone close to you disappears or dies, everyone else who loved that person seems to die a little bit as well. I felt like I didn’t really have my Peter with me anymore and he probably felt the same way about me.

I got up and walked to the bathroom dragging my feet behind me and

looked in the mirror. My face was thinner, I looked older somehow. Old and worn out. I hadn’t been able to eat much lately. My mum basically had to force-feed me and she kept calling to check if I had eaten through the day. I simply had no appetite anymore and I had lost weight. Peter was the same although he ate to keep up his strength. He wasn’t giving up and I think he never would, he would fight this to the end like a soldier, focused on getting her home, no matter what the cost. In a way I felt bad because at least I had the dreams with Erin where I could spend quality time with her in her magical dreamscape. Peter didn’t have those. I think that was probably why it was difficult for him to lie next to me in bed. He knew I was having comforting dreams with our daughter when he got no signs at all. I had taken leave off work and so had Peter. Christine had been helpful and recruited a temporary staff member for the art gallery until I was ready to get back to work, although I wasn’t getting a salary anymore as the gallery couldn’t afford it. Peter’s boss had given him two more weeks off, telling him that it was best to get on with work to keep his mind busy, which had made Peter furious. He had yelled at his boss and told him that the only thing he should be focusing on right now was getting his daughter back. After he had calmed down however, he had agreed to come back to work. The thing was, we couldn’t afford for us both to be off work and maybe it was better for him to keep his mind busy. Staring out of the window wasn’t bringing us any closer to getting her back anyway.

I walked through to the living-room after having stopped by the bathroom first to splash some cold water on my face to wake myself up and walked over to Peter. I stood next to him for a minute looking out onto the park where a couple of kids were playing around with a ball. “Did you see her last night?” he asked without looking at me. “Yes,” I answered looking up at him. He smiled ever so slightly. “How was she.” “She was happy, she showed me a family of fairies.”

His smile broadened slightly but his eyes were glazed over. We stood silent for a while longer. “I’m going to mum’s today. I have to see how dad is doing,” I said, looking up at his unshaven but still handsome face. “OK.” “What are you going to do today?” I asked. He lifted his shoulders. “I’m not sure yet…we’re out of milk, I’ll run to the store…and then probably past the police station to see if they need help with the case.” I nodded in agreement. “OK,” I said as I stood on my toes to give him a kiss on the cheek before walking away. I knew the police would just send him home but it made him feel like he was at least doing something. In all honesty I could tell that it annoyed the police officers a bit but they were kind nonetheless and always kept him up to date on what they had looked at and if they had found anything, which they never did. They even put him in front of the computer to look at the recorded surveillance cameras of the week prior to Erin’s disappearance until a week after to see if he saw anything that stood out that the police may have missed, but he never found anything. There was literally zero evidence at this time. They had found no fingerprints, no sign of forced entry, no witnesses or suspects. The only thing that came to mind was the eery feeling of being watched the day before her disappearance. I had felt it one time after that day, about a week later when I was sitting on a bench by the park waiting for a miracle to happen, waiting for Erin. I had felt the same dark energy close by. The hairs on my arms had risen and I had felt scared. I had looked around the park and seen a shadow like mist in the shape of a man, standing not far from a very sad looking man who didn’t seem to notice the shadow. I only saw it for a brief moment however and then it was gone. I had questioned my sanity at the time. Even though it didn’t seem to be directed to me, more so to the sad man, I had still felt scared and wanted to warn him but then the shadowy mist had disappeared into thin air. I didn’t want to sound like a crazy person so I left it and

walked home at a fast pace wanting to get away from the uncomfortable feeling that I had.

It was around eleven o’clock when mum opened the front door of her house looking stressed. “Alex, you look so thin. I’ve got some left-over lunch, would you like some? It’s pasta.” “No thanks mum, I ate just before I left,” I lied. My mum took a deep breathe. “Alright then, if you’re sure.” She grabbed her coat and shut the door behind her. “Let’s see how dad is then, shall we,” she said, forcing a smile. We got into my car and I started the engine. “So how is dad doing?” I asked. I knew he was in the hospital and had taken a lot of tests but didn’t know any of the results yet. He was also on heavy medication. “I don’t know dear,” my mum said looking out of the window. It was hard to see her this way. It was almost as if she was a little scared and wounded bird. I started thinking of what would happen if dad died before my mum and how I would be the one who would most likely have to take care of her. Jason would probably only visit a couple of times a month at the most if I were to guess, and Emma, well I don’t know about her. She would probably help, come to think of it. Or at least I hoped she would. I also hoped this scenario would only happen far far in the future if it had to happen at all. “You know, your father is the only one who ever truly understood me,” my mum said as if starting a story.

“How do you mean?” I asked. “When we were young I got the feeling not many of my peers understood me. In fact, they could be quite mean at times. I never really had that many friends.” I looked at her, intrigued by her opening up to me like that. It was very unlike her. “You know, I was quite pretty actually,” she said half smiling, still looking out of the car window onto the grey day outside. “I didn’t know it back then of course. I was brought up to not care about one’s physical beauty too much. It was the brain that needed tending to… Well, you know your grandparents, God rest their souls.” She paused for a few seconds. “But then your father came. He looked at me in a way no one ever had. In the beginning when he would look at me, I thought that he was mocking me. He was a handsome man your father, so why would he be looking at me?” she said, looking away. “If he’d been a bit more cocky and played the game right he would’ve been one of the popular kids, I’m sure of it. But he preferred to do his studying and stay true to himself. It was inspiring… Then one day he walked up to me and I could tell that he was nervous. He introduced himself and asked me if I would like to go for a walk. I was still slightly suspicious but he seemed genuine enough, so I agreed and we strolled along in Princes street gardens. We walked for hours. Just talking about everything. He was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my house and then he kissed me on the cheek and asked if he could see me again. He had been so lovely, how could I possibly say no to that. Slowly but surely he won me over.” I stared out at the traffic. I felt like she was telling me a bedtime story. I almost wish I had been in bed with a cosy nightlight on and her telling me the story of how they had met and I would fall asleep feeling secure and happy. I smiled at the thought. “He was the only one that saw my traits, not as flaws but as benefits. He didn’t mind me being socially shy or saying the wrong blunt thing, he always helped me in those situations.” She looked over at me. “You’ve told me on countless occasions how embarrassing I can be and trust me, I am aware of it,” she said, snorting.

My heart ached, I felt so bad for having said those things. She had definitely been embarrassing on countless occasions, saying the wrong things. Once when I’d had a boy home she had started talking about my period right in front of him. I had only had it for the first time a few weeks prior to that and I was so annoyed at her for bringing it up in front of him. At the time I had a major crush on him and thought that he was so cute. I didn’t want him thinking of me having my period. For a twelve year old that was horrifying. but who was I to judge. I mean, I had most definitely had my moments of saying stupid things. “Mum, I am so sorry. I don’t know why I said those things. You aren’t embarrassing, you’re just open and honest…and maybe a little blunt at times,” I said winking at her. “Don’t worry about that darling, it was a long time ago. All children think that their parents are annoying at some point,” she said putting her hand gently on my arm. I smiled at her. “But why are you telling me all this now mum?” “Well, I know I don’t show it much but he really is the love of my life. I couldn’t do without him,” she said putting her hand up to her mouth. Tears were escaping her eyes. All I could do was reach over and stroke her arm gently. It was nice that she had told me how they met. She didn’t talk much about her feelings usually but I was grateful that she had. It was nice to know how it began with mum and dad.

We arrived at the hospital. My mum wiped away the tears from her cheeks with a tissue and looked in a little mirror that she took from her bag. She didn’t wear much makeup. She didn’t really need it. Her skin had always been really healthy looking and she wasn’t particularly vain anyway. “Come on mum,” I said as I opened the door. “I bet dad is really looking forward to some company.” She nodded and opened the car door.

We walked into the hospital. I had never liked hospitals much, until the day I had met Peter for the first time…in real life that is. Before that happened I just thought it felt sad there. People were ill, hurt or dying and the people that visited seemed sad too. It was different in the paternity department but even there, there were frightened mothers to be. It’s like I could feel the low energy of a hospital. As we walked in I felt confused as to why my dad would be here. I was still very much in denial and hadn’t been able to focus on him with Erin missing. I just couldn’t handle it all, so I refused to believe that my dad was ill. A childish way of handling it perhaps but I felt like I had to in order to deal with the situation.

As we walked into my dad’s white, square hospital room and smelt the sterile air, it made me wonder why they didn’t have aromatherapy in hospitals. Surely that would be a positive attribute to the wellbeing of the patients? I looked over at him lying there in his bed and for a second I thought that we had walked into the wrong room. What I saw in front of me was an old man. He was coughing and held a handkerchief to his mouth. He looked up and as he did so his eyes shone bright and there he was, my dad again. “Alex, darling!” he announced, clearly happy to see me. I walked up and hugged him. He was frail, as if he hadn’t slept for ages. Then again, we were all like that these days. I looked down at the handkerchief he had in his hand and noticed a few drops of blood that he had coughed up. Feeling slightly nauseous I smiled at him, trying hard not to let my feelings show. “How are you, dad?” I asked. “Oh well, you know, could be better I suppose. Still, I feel like a star here sometimes. The nurses are lovely to me and we have a good laugh.” My mum gave my dad an annoyed look, clear jealousy shining through. “Oh Kirsty, some of them are men you know and besides…no one holds a candle to you.” My mum couldn’t help herself but smile…trying to hide it of course. It was a little funny and the three of us started to giggle, which felt odd. Like I had

forgotten how to do it. A short slim man with a white coat and glasses walked into the room. He came over and introduced himself as Andrew Wilson, my dad’s doctor. I had never met him so I also introduced myself. “Mrs.Walker,” he said looking at my mum. “I need a word.” He then looked at me and continued; “It might be good for you to come as well.” “Ok,” I replied, slightly startled. He sounded serious and it made me nervous. My mum kissed my dad on the cheek and we left him in his hospital bed, following the doctor down the hall and into a fairly big office with two windows overlooking the parking lot outside. I could spot my car from there. He gestured to two chairs in front of the desk. “Please, have a seat.” We sat down. I didn’t make eye with my mum, I noticed that she was avoiding looking at me as well. I think that she must have been as nervous as I was. We didn’t know what to expect. Was this good news or bad news? I had been trying to read the doctor’s facial expression but he was obviously good at hiding his emotions…if he had any that is, because I literally couldn’t tell if he was about to give a death sentence or not, and he was taking an awfully long pause which just annoyed me. “We have run a bronchoscopy test. We have also drawn fluid from between his lung and chest wall to check for abnormal cells.” I frowned. “What is a bronchoscopy test?” I asked, feeling annoyed at him for not explaining that straight away. “A bronchoscopy test is when doctors thread a slender tube with a camera through the mouth into the lungs. Once in place, we can look directly at the tumour and also take tissue samples,” he answered as if reading from a textbook. He looked at me to see if I had understood him.

“Ok,” I nodded. “Please continue.” “Unfortunately…the cancer has spread. He has, what is called, extensive small lung cancer. This means it’s going to get worse and fast I’m afraid.” “Well there must be a treatment for it surely?” my mum insisted. “What about chemotherapy?” “As far as making him more comfortable, chemotherapy can help to relieve symptoms such as bone pain or neurologic symptoms like the inability to walk but it won’t cure him.” “The inability to walk?” I repeated. I just sat there not blinking. I couldn’t take in the news the doctor was giving us. I was feeling dizzy. “Does he know, have you told him?” I asked. “Yes, we have spoken about it. He doesn’t want to take the chemotherapy treatment. He has requested to be sent home for the remaining time. He says he wants to spend it with his family.” “Well I hope you told him it is out of the question? He is most certainly having the treatment!” my mum said looking furious. “There is no such thing as a death sentence, we make our own fate. He will get better, you’ll see!” my mum barked. “Listen, I know this is very hard for you both, but my job is to make sure the patient is well looked after. If I can’t save him, then it is up to him how he chooses to live the rest of his life and I am afraid he has the legal right to do so. You may however try to convince him otherwise, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. He seems to have made up his mind and like I said, the chemotherapy may help relieve some pain, but it won’t cure him.” “But he needs care,” I said. “He would have a nurse sent to his house every day for a couple of hours, then of course he would need your help. Maybe not straight away but he will get worse in the end and he will need one of you or another family member around most of the time.”

I looked at my mum and saw fear in her eyes like I had never seen before. I reached out and held her hand. I felt that I needed to be strong for her. Besides, I couldn’t take in the news, I wasn’t sure I would survive it with Erin missing and Peter being so depressed. I was going to have to be strong for my family now. “How long has he got?” I asked softly. The doctor paused briefly. I looked up at him for an answer. “If he is lucky, a few months but I have to be honest with you. Because of the degree in the spread of the cancer it could be as little as weeks. We simply do not know at this stage.” He looked at my mother and I with the first human-like expression so far, sympathy. “I am sorry.” My mother squeezed my hand hard and cried. A few tears falling into her lap.

As soon as we walked back into my dad’s room my mum tried convincing my dad to at least take the treatment but he was having none of it. He was very calm and somehow looked peaceful, like he was actually fine with the news. It baffled me. I just stared at him and felt myself calming down. My mother became like white noise in the background and for a moment I felt as if I had an out of body experience. I felt at peace with everything. My mum came up in front of me and I plummeted back into reality and felt heavy again. Tiredness washing over me. “Tell him Alex, tell him he needs the treatment and that he needs to stay in the hospital.” I just raised my shoulders. “I don’t know mum.” I should not have said that. She started yelling at me. Calling me stupid and selfish. My dad got cross at that. “Kirsty, do not speak to our daughter like that, this is my decision, my life

and I will live it as I see fit. Chemo would only keep me in here and I refuse to spend the rest of my short life in a boring hospital room waiting to die.” He lowered his tired voice. “Let me live in peace Kirsty. Let me wake up every morning and see your beautiful face. Let me eat breakfast on our patio and watch our lovely garden grow. Let me invite friends over and enjoy my evening whisky. Let me enjoy the rest of this life that I have been given. Please…my love.” The room went silent. My mum finally nodded her head and the yelling turned to tears yet again. My dad opened his arms and my mum rushed to his embrace. He looked over his shoulder and waved me over. I walked over and hugged both my parents. I wasn’t crying. I had to be strong, or at least I was telling myself that. Perhaps the reality of it hadn’t quite hit me yet. Perhaps I was protecting myself by shutting off. This just wasn’t happening, was it?

Chapter 13 - Once in a Pink Moon

I felt a shimmering glow on my face and smelled salt water. A relaxed sensation ran through my body as if I didn’t have a care in the world. I felt happy and light. I heard waves folding across pebble stones and knew that I was by the seaside. The shimmering glow I had felt were reflections from the sun bouncing off the water. The sea air was filled with the loveliest aroma of a salt and flowery fragrance. I felt the water touching my bare feet from the small waves rushing in and out, like a soft rhythm of the sea. I looked out across the magnificent ocean before me and for a moment I was totally present. I felt at one with it all, every scent magnified, just breathing and feeling love.

I looked to my right and saw, to my delight, Erin. She was sitting down on the beach picking up pebbles and studying them closely. I walked up and sat down next to her. She looked up and seemed as though she was surprised to see me at first, but happily so. A big smile and wide eyes met mine as she dropped the pebble, ran over and threw her arms around me. “Mummy!!” she yelped. “You’re back!” It took me a second to understand what she meant. Hadn’t I always been here? Then it dawned on me. Fear and sadness slipped back into my thoughts. For a moment I had forgotten that I was dreaming. I was so happy, so peaceful. This was a dream that would end. I would wake up soon enough and Erin would not be with me and Peter. She would still be missing. Still lost. Was she really here with me now? Was she somehow inbetween worlds like Peter and I had once been? Was it all just wishful thinking? Even if she was in-between worlds like Peter had been, where was her physical body? Was she stuck in some coma at some creep’s house or in the woods or God knows where. How would she then have survived? My head started to hurt with the worry. “What is it mummy? You look sad,” she said, looking worried.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” I said putting on a smile. It didn’t really matter what this was. It felt incredibly real to be here. I had to enjoy the time I had with my daughter despite it being real or not. “So what do you want to do now?” I asked, putting aside my emotions and focusing completely on my Erin. She looked thoughtful for a couple of seconds and then smiled as if she had come up with a brilliant plan. “Let’s fly!” she said looking at me and waiting eagerly for my response. “That sounds like a perfect plan,” I said, leaning in closer to Erin. “Where do you want to fly to?” “High up, I want to touch the clouds!” she said excitedly. I got up and held out my hand for her. “Well what are you waiting for?” I said playfully. “Yay,” she said springing up off the ground. Her light pink dress slightly wet at the hem from the waves that touched the shore. We both looked up towards the few fluffy glowing clouds above. “Ready?” I asked. “Ready,” came her reply. We did as we had done when we had met in the park. We counted to three and kicked off of the ground. We bounced high first and stayed still in the air, about thirty feet up, just feeling the lightness of our bodies and the floating sensation before willing ourselves to fly higher, our light dresses giving off little waves as the wind hit us. Erin was closing her eyes enjoying the feel of the wind on her face and letting me take charge of the flying. The shore got smaller and smaller as we got higher up in the sky. The sea was twinkling like stars as the sun hit it and I saw sea creatures arise to the surface, mostly dolphins. They were singing to us. I looked back up to where I was heading, also enjoying the warm air on my face like Erin was.

We eventually got close enough to a cloud to touch it. Erin opened her eyes. The cloud was shining like stars, almost diamond like. It was giving off rays of light that touched Erin’s face making her eyes shine brighter then I had ever seen them shine before. They were mesmerising. “Do you want to touch it?” I asked. She nodded her head gently before carefully and gently holding out her hand and touching the glow before her. Little starlike sparks puffed out, flew around Erin and found its way back into the cloud. It was as if it was saying hello. Erin burst out laughing, she was ecstatic. “It’s alive,” she said with wonder. “Yes it is,” I answered her. I was smiling wide now, taking in her joy. She touched the cloud again and this time the whole cloud started swirling gently around us both, as if it was dancing with us. As it slowed down and swirled back into itself we found ourselves much higher up. We were no longer flying. We were floating. Floating above our planet, only it didn’t look quite like planet earth anymore. I couldn’t see any cities shining up with little lights where the sun wasn’t hitting it. The continents didn’t look familiar and it seemed more colourful somehow. I felt intrigued and curious by it. Erin pulled my hand leading me towards the planet. She didn’t seem bothered at all that we were floating in space. It seemed so natural to her, like she knew that she was safe. I thought back and ed the dream I’d had with Peter when we had flown to the moon. I had felt a little scared at first but Peter had made me feel so safe and at ease at that time. I wasn’t scared now because I knew it was a dream, although I felt butterflies in my stomach when we were heading towards the planet at high speed, but that was due to the excitement more than anything else. As we got closer and slowed down we saw all the forests and creatures from all the books I had read for Erin. There were unicorns, ponies, wizards, friendly trolls, singing birds, all different kinds of animals and fairies, to name but a few. It felt like a mix of all of Erin’s favourite books. “Erin, is this all you? Did you create this?” I asked curiously.

“Yes, I think so. Isn’t it cool?” she said as we were getting closer to a large field filled with different coloured flowers, if that was what they were. “It’s amazing Erin,” I said as we landed in the field on soft ground. I took a closer look at the flowers and realised that they weren’t flowers at all. They were tiny people, about up to my knee in height, all in vivid coloured clothing. I recognised them from a book that we had read about forest people. They looked up at us with their friendly faces and greeted us. “Hello,” said a chubby little middle aged woman wearing a long dress in sandy pink. “Hello,” Erin and I said in chorus. I had to bend down to get closer to face level with the little woman. “My name is Alex and this is my daughter Erin,” I told her. “I’m Margret,” she said with a high pitched voice that sounded more like singing than talking. “Would you like to us for the pink moon feast?” she asked us eagerly. Erin looked right at me and put her hands together. “Oh please mummy, please can we go?” she begged. I laughed a little. “Yes, of course, that sounds lovely. We would love to you!” I said turning my head to the little lady. “Then follow me. We were just picking some berries on the field for the feast. All other preparations are nearly done. The pink moon will present itself in about two hours. It should shine extra bright tonight!” she said cheerfully. This time her voice really sounded like singing. We followed her into the woods. The trees were huge, even for us, and it was spacious in between the tree trunks. “It’s not far,” she sang, walking remarkably fast for such a small person.

No more than five minutes later we arrived at the cutest little village I had ever laid my eyes on. The cottages all had grassy green roofs and red wooden walls. The doors were white with swirly golden handles that looked as if they had been crafted by angels. The houses were situated not only on the ground, but in the trees as well. They had wooden stairs, ropes and slides that they used in order to get up and down to their homes. I felt something pulling my dress and looked down to see the cutest little child. His eyes were enormous and vivid green. His hair was blond and messy. He couldn’t have been more than five or six years old from a human perspective. “Mummy, can I go play with him?” Erin asked. “Well, would you like that?” I asked the little boy. He nodded shyly. “Come on then, do you want to show me around?” Erin said to the boy with a soft voice. He let go of my dress and took hold of Erin’s finger, dragging her along. “Don’t wander off Erin, stay close, OK?” I said, feeling a knot in my stomach. I wanted her to have fun but I also didn’t want to lose any time with her. Margret, the lady that had brought us there, showed me where they were having the feast. She asked if I could help set up the tables on the path where I was standing. She pointed to some long, low tables and benches. I was more than happy to help and also thankful that the benches were small and hopefully not too heavy. There were twelve tables, each meant for ten people of their size. I carried the first one over and to my surprise they were light as feathers. They looked like they were made of wood but they felt like they were made of some other material, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I laid the tables out one after another and as soon as I was done, a herd of little people rushed around putting pots, pans and cutlery on them as well as decorating them with fresh flowers. The knives and forks were intertwined with stems of leaves. It looked delightful.

The small people kept up their pace, rushing along past me, everyone having a last minute task to do before the feast would commence. They didn’t seem stressed, more like a tempo they were accustomed to. Eventually they all started to gather. I looked around for Erin and saw her walking towards me. The little boy who was clearly smitten with Erin was running along after her. She sat next to me and the boy hopped up and sat right next to Erin. It was adorable. After everyone had found their way to their seats they all fell silent. One stood up. It was Margret. “Let the festivities begin!” she announced as everyone cheered and raised their glasses. Music began playing from a band I hadn’t noticed was there before. They were a group of six small folk with messy hair in vivid orange colour. Two of them were playing the violin, one was playing a wooden flute, another was playing what looked like a small guitar, one was on a bass guitar and then there was the drummer. The music they were playing sounded happy and cheery. It was music that made you feel good, it had a sort of Celtic feel to it. Everyone dug into the food. There were all kinds of greens, fruits, fresh bread and fish. It looked delicious and after having eaten until I literally couldn’t fit anymore into my stomach they brought out cakes of all colours. I ate some of that as well and every mouthful was unbelievably tasty. I felt as if I hadn’t consciously eaten for a very long time and now I was loving every mouthful. Even closing my eyes as the chocolate pudding melted in my mouth. Margret came up to me and asked if I was enjoying myself. I nodded and smiled. “Yes, thank you. This is amazing. You are an excellent cook,” I said. “Why thank you dear. We are all so happy that you could us,” she said with a warmness that only a mother could give. “Why do you celebrate the pink moon?” I asked her. “Well, it is said that the pink moon answers all our prayers. Everyone here tonight will make a wish and the wish is sure to come true…but you

must believe,” she said with a hint of mystery. “Do they come true?” I asked. “Indeed they do. During the last pink moon I asked for my boy Luke to find happiness again. He seemed so sad, and tonight I see him with your daughter and I have never seen him so happy”, she said and looked over at him, “so yes, sooner or later, what you ask for will happen…whether you want it too or not,” she said winking at me. I would ask for Erin to find her way home to us again, I thought to myself. Even if it was just wishful thinking. I would believe it fully, like she had said. “It’s arrived,” Margret said looking up at the sky. Everyone fell silent and was looking up into the night sky. I was the last to look up towards the sky and what I saw took my breath away. The moon was massive and shining with a lovely warm pink colour. It seemed magical in so many ways. It was enormous and alive and it felt as if it was communicating with us. I looked at Erin as she stared up at the big beauty in the sky, then she looked at me. “Tell daddy I love him. He doesn’t need to be sad,” she said as I felt my heart drop. I put my hand gently on her cheek. “Daddy loves you so much. He misses you.” I paused for a couple of seconds. “Erin, when are you coming back to us? Do you think you can find your way back home?” I asked her, hoping with every cell of my body that there was a way back. Erin looked at me with kind eyes, as if she was old and wise. “I don’t think I’m allowed to go back. But it’s OK, I’m happy here. I can use my imagination as much as I want. I miss you and daddy though but you can visit me anytime you like,” she said. I imagine that she thought that was possible. “Who says you’re not allowed?” I asked

“The angels,” she said. “Do they tell you why?” I continued. “They just say I have to go home,” she said looking back up at the big moon. “Home to us??” I asked, foolishly praying that she would say yes. “No mummy,” she laughed. “Home to where we all come from.” To where we all come from? Did she mean heaven? I felt flustered and started to panic slightly, feeling her slipping away with her words. I put my hands on Erin’s shoulders and faced her towards me, demanding her full attention. “Erin honey, please find a way back to us. We love you so much!” I felt my eyes filling up with tears. “Mummy,” Erin said with a beautifully soft voice. “It’ll be ok. I love you.”

Chapter 14 - The Argument

My dream with Erin had been so amazing. I had cried when I woke up of course, knowing I couldn’t see her in real life. Peter hadn’t been at my side as I woke and I noticed as I got up that he was nowhere to be seen. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer, so I sent him a text message and waited for a reply. I was putting on some coffee when I heard a text message coming through. I was feeling relief as I thought it was Peter but when I looked at the screen, Lisa’s name was showing. She asked if I wanted some company. I knew it was probably good for me to be with somebody. Especially with someone like Lisa who always saw the glass as half full instead of half empty. I had started to notice how easy it was to feel like a victim, sliding into self pity and just wanting it all to end. I felt so God damn sorry for myself, it was eating me alive. I could easily have sat down on the couch and hugged Erin’s teddy for the entire day, not getting dressed and barely eating. Definitely not seeing anyone either for that matter. I knew I couldn’t live like that but at the same time I couldn’t see a future anymore either. Before Erin’s disappearance I had seen a big glorious future for the three of us, maybe even another little baby in the family. We would have a big white house a little further from the city centre, someplace where we could take long walks in nature. When we were old and retired it could be a wonderful place for our grandchildren to visit. I could paint and Peter could learn how to play the piano, something he had never come round to learning but had always wanted to do. We would be happy, just as we had been mere weeks earlier. How could it all have changed so fast? I looked down at the screen and tried replying to Lisa’s text message but I didn’t know what to write. The phone vibrated in my hand as another message from her came up on the display. ‘I’ll be over in twenty minutes’, I read. Lisa had decided for me what I was going to answer.

‘OK’, I wrote back. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted the company or not but deep down I knew I needed her. I needed her friendship more than ever. More than I cared to it.

About twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. Lisa stood there smiling kindly, holding a white box. “I brought some treats,” she said cheerfully whilst holding out the box. It smelled divine as I opened it. Freshly baked donuts! Two chocolate and two white chocolate. My stomach growled. Lisa helped herself in and gave me a warm hug. I accepted her hug but as usual I pushed down my feelings. I was afraid of what would happen if I opened myself up to emotion. Maybe I would never stop crying. Maybe they would have to put me into a psych ward. No, this was better. I didn’t feel much of anything and I was OK with that. The other option could very well be a death sentence. “Hey,” I said, forcing my lips into a fake smile. “It’s alright honey, you don’t need to put on some fake emotion for me my friend. Whatever you are feeling is OK,” she said looking at me with concern. “Now let’s get some tea and have a chat.” “I made coffee if that’s alright,” I said. “Whatever you want sweetie,” she replied. We sat down on the couch with two large cups of coffee. I had started taking my coffee black. I usually always took it with milk but I had recently switched to black, simply not caring what things tasted like anymore. My stomach was still growling from the smell of fresh cakes though, maybe I could take a bite. Lisa handed me the box, prompting me to pick one. I picked the one with white chocolate. I took a bite out of it and felt myself really enjoying it. The softness of the dough, the melting of the white chocolate in my mouth, the smell of newly baked donut. It reminded me a little of the feast from the dream. I loved it.

“So, you’ve not been answering my calls. I was starting to worry,” Lisa said, also taking out a donut out of the box. “Yeah… I’m sorry Lisa. I’ve been busy.” “Of course, I totally get it, but I’m here for you. It’s OK that you feel like shit.” She grabbed my hand. “More than OK. But don’t forget, I am your friend, let me help you through this,” she said. I simply nodded, unable to say anything else. “So Chris called me just a few minutes ago. He wondered if he could come over as well and I said yes. I hope you don’t mind?” she said already having decided for me yet again whether it was alright or not. “Are you two back together?” I asked. “Oh I don’t know… Maybe. We’ve met up so much recently with the search and everything. It’s like it’s brought us closer together. It’s hard to sleep. I keep thinking of Erin and wondering if she is safe and well… praying that she was…and you know me, I never pray,” she said raising her eyebrows. “I cry a lot too and Chris has been there for me.” Her eyes glazed over as she said it. Then she looked right at me. “I know that she’s OK though.” I was quiet for a couple of seconds, not knowing how to respond to what Lisa had just said. “How do you know that, Lisa, how could you possibly know that?” I said annoyingly. She looked at me seriously. “Because my gut instinct tells me so. I can just feel it. Even when I’m crying and it almost feels hopeless it’s like a feeling deep down telling me that she is fine. I can’t really explain it,” she said convincingly. I looked away and thought of my dreams with Erin. She felt real in them, just like Peter once had.

There was another knock on the door. Lisa ran over and opened. Chris came in wearing his regular work clothes, a pair of denim jeans, a grey tshirt and a black blazer. He didn’t want to be too suited up for his job, he wanted to be able to connect with his customers on a personal level. He walked over and gave Lisa a kiss on the cheek. It was obvious that they were back together. “Hey Alex,” he said casually. He saw the box of donuts. “Don’t mind if I do.” I loved Chris for being so laid back in every situation. It calmed me down enough to feel normal for a few seconds, as if nothing big or bad had happened. He grabbed a donut and walked ed me. His way of greeting me was putting his hand on my head and roughing up my hair. Normally I would have responded by saying something sarcastic but this time I didn’t. He knew he wouldn’t get a reaction either but I appreciated the effort so I just sent a little smile his way. “Are you guys ditching work?” I asked pointing a finger at them the way a teacher would. “Well, I have the day off. Don’t know about this one, he seems to glide through life. I’m not even convinced he has a job?!” Lisa said jokingly as she pointed to Chris. “Well, when you’re as awesome and charming as myself you get the job done quickly. Not everyone can understand that. You see, I think you just need to have been born with it,” he said and winked at me. “Besides, this is just a quick stop today, I’m off to a newly opened health store. I want to get there before other sales rep beat me to it. Not that I’m worried. I can charm them easily into buying a dirty sock if I had wanted to.” “OK wise guy, that’s enough. You ain’t as charming as you think. Besides, we’re here for Alex,” Lisa cut in. “Oh I don’t mind,” I said. In fact it was lovely having the good old banter. I felt like it was a well

needed distraction. “I like it! be your nutty selves…please!” Lisa’s eyes widened. “Well, OK then,” she said and giggled. She went on to tell me about some work drama with her dancers. Apparently there was some three way drama going on that she told hilariously. Chris was also making funny comments about people from his work. It was all very light and at one point I actually laughed. Lisa and Chris both stared at me in shock for a second and then burst out laughing themselves. Peter walked in as we were laughing and I felt instant guilt. I wasn’t meant to laugh with everything that was going on, how could I? But It just felt so good, it lifted my heavy heart, even for just a few small seconds. A relief. Peter gave me a disappointing look and I felt small, I wanted to sink into a black hole. He quickly shook off his expression and greeted Lisa and Chris with a short and awkward hand gesture before walking straight into our bedroom. I took a deep breathe. “I’m sorry about that,” I said looking down, feeling both embarrassed and guilty. Lisa and Chris spoke at the same time. “Oh gosh, don’t worry about it,” Lisa quickly said and Chris added; “It can’t be easy for him.” “No, it’s not easy,” I answered. “At least I’ve seen her in my dreams. He never gets to see her.” Chris and Lisa both looked at each other and then at me. “What?!” Lisa yelped. “Like the dreams you had with Peter?” “Sort of… I don’t know.” I looked at them. “They feel as if they could be but I also know how desperately I want that to be true, so there is a possibility that it’s just wishful thinking? Still, when I see her in my dreams it feels so real and wonderful.” Chris had been so sceptic back when I had told him about the dreams with Peter. He still wouldn’t quite it that it was the same Peter and he had a few theories of what could have happened. Like for example, he

would insist that I must have seen him before I started dreaming about him without noticing. He said my subconscious mind was playing tricks on me. But he couldn’t explain how both Peter and I ed them, although I was the one that ed them more vividly. So needless to say, I was feeling a little nervous as to how his reaction would be this time around and I didn’t want him to ruin my time with Erin. Chris looked thoughtful. “That’s a sign,” he said. Lisa and I just stared at him. “Where is Chris and what have you done with him,” Lisa joked. “Well, it has to be. I know I’ve had my doubts in the past regarding these unexplainable events and FYI, I’m sorry to have doubted you, my friend. I suppose that it could have been true, the thing with Peter. I mean, the odds of you having such detailed information about him, even about his personality, before even meeting him is off the charts. And that worked out for you in the end didn’t it? Maybe Erin is in a coma to?” he suggested. “Yeah but where?” I said feeling a little panicked over the thought of her being in a coma. “Where is her body then? I mean, We’ve already checked all the hospitals. “Yeah I know, it’s just, well, I’m sorry again that I didn’t believe you the last time. This time I’ll you in this. You clearly have a knack for this supernatural stuff. Maybe you should trust what you see?” he suggested. I felt shocked hearing him say it and Lisa was clearly stunned. It wasn’t the Chris we knew. Maybe he had started to believe or perhaps accepted that there could be more to life than just the things we see and touch. Lisa took my hand. “Tell us about the dreams,” she said. So I did. We must have sat there for a couple of hours just discussing all the dreams I’d had. I went into great detail and they were fascinated by the stories I told. It felt good to talk about her. It made it all the more real, like she was actually there in some parallel universe and that she was happy. “Wow…just wow. See I told you my gut instinct was on to something!”

Lisa announced happily. “You don’t know that for sure,” I said. I felt afraid of getting my hopes up. Then again, that was the only hope I had, and I wasn’t sure I could handle a ‘no hope’ situation.

It was time for them to leave. Chris was already late for his appointment but had made up an excuse to the manager that he was supposed to have met a half an hour earlier, blaming it on another meeting that had dragged out. He was very convincing. Both Lisa and Chris gave me huge hugs before leaving. I counted myself lucky for having such amazing friends. “Let me know about any more dreams you have , promise! It means something I just know it,” Lisa said before heading for the door.

I walked to our bedroom to see if Peter was alright. He sat up on the bed looking warn-out. I sat myself down beside him and put my chin on his shoulder. He pulled away. “Are you alright?” I asked. “You certainly seem to be,” he responded sarcastically. “What do you mean by that?” I asked, feeling verbally attacked and unusually so by Peter. I didn’t quite recognise his behaviour. He puffed out air angrily before responding. “The three of you laughing…like nothing has changed. Like our daughter isn’t missing.” I stood up and backed away a couple of steps. “How dare you!!” I said feeling incredibly hurt by his words.

“And why aren’t you trying to get her back in the dreams? I heard you talking out there. It’s like you’re not even trying, like you’re just having fun.” Now it felt like he literally had a hammer to my heart, beating the crap out of the little fire I still had left in there. It felt so painful and at first I just sat there unable to speak…but then another emotion started bubbling inside of me. Anger was replacing the hurt and fast at that. “First of all, they were trying to cheer me up. I haven’t smiled for weeks. I didn’t think I ed how to?!” I was raising my voice higher and higher. “And I do try to get her back every time I see her but every time I do she fades, and real or not I want to spend every last second with her. I may never have another dream with her.” “And I have none!” Peter yelled. “You get to see her, I don’t. And you’re not exactly available for a heart to heart either. Your father is dying of cancer for God’s sake, and you haven’t even shed a tear over it.” I was boiling with anger. How dare he bring up my dad dying, like I didn’t care. “I’M TRYING TO SURVIVE!!” I yelled from the top of my lungs. That got his attention. I was starting to find it difficult to breathe now and my eyes were stinging. I was breathing heavily. My voice got smaller. “If I let it in…I just…I just…” And at that I fell to the floor on my knees and wept. I wept for my missing daughter, I wept for my dying father, I wept for my sad husband, I wept for it all. I felt arms around me and tears on my neck, they were Peter’s tears. “Sorry… I’m so sorry,” he said with a beaten little voice that I had never heard from him before. I knew he meant it. I knew it had all been too much for him, for us. We had said that we would be there for each other but the fact of the matter was that he reminded me of her and I reminded him of Erin as well and it just hurt. It wasn’t easy for him knowing that I was at least seeing her in my dreams. I knew he felt helpless. He couldn’t do anything to help me either. It was my dad who was dying as well after all. “Please forgive me?” he said, still weeping into my neck.

I nodded slightly. “Of course I forgive you, I love you Peter.” He put his hands on either side of my face as he looked into my eyes. “I love you… I love you,” he said. I looked deep into his ice-blue eyes and he looked back into mine. The attraction had always been so strong between us. Like magnets drawn to each other. We had been in each other’s presence these last few weeks but we hadn’t really connected the way we used to connect before all hell broke loose. I felt as though I was looking at the sun. So intense, so longingly. I had felt like I was drowning and looking at him was like breathing again. We were inches apart. His hands still on either side of my face. Simultaneously, we came together and kissed. It was a rough, desperate kiss. I pulled off his shirt and he grabbed my t-shirt, pulling it over my head. I put my hand on the back of his head, pulling him towards me and kissed him again whilst he undid my jeans. I pulled them down quickly whilst he pulled off his with immense speed. He grabbed my waist and pulled me up as I wrapped my legs around him. His hands were on my bottom as we kissed hard, our tongues finding each other. He turned towards the bed with me in his arms and lay me down. The need for him was almost painful. I spread my legs and he came down on me, finding his way in as if we were one body, my body welcomed his and we both groaned with pleasure. He was in me, moving in a rhythm. I wrapped my legs around his waist again, wanting him to be in me as far as possible, merging together. I grabbed the back of his head and kissed him again. We were one strong energy moving as if to some universal force. I could feel myself coming as I groaned harder. His body responded with mine and we both climaxed together. The ecstasy of it was powerful, as if it had been waiting for a long time. We lay there for a while. Him still in me. It felt good to be so physically together. He looked into my eyes. We loved each other so intensely. Yet, neither of us could bare a life without Erin.

That night we lay down in bed together. It felt good having him next to me again. We held onto each other, knowing that we would always be there for one another. For better or for worse as they say, and it sure as hell

couldn’t get any worse than this surely. It felt like we might have found a way back to each other. Together we were stronger. He held me tight as I eventually heard him drift off to sleep, his breathing becoming heavier. I lay there, happy to be in his arms but unable to fall asleep. A million thoughts were running through my mind and I wanted so desperately to fall asleep so that I could see Erin again and maybe…just maybe get her back somehow. It seemed impossible but even if there was the smallest chance, I would do everything in my power. Maybe I hadn’t been trying hard enough…

Chapter 15 - Insomnia

I had began staring up at our white sealing with its silvery wavy lines after a couple of hours of trying to fall asleep. It resembled water and was quite calming to look at. I ed having that thought as we had decided what pattern to buy for the bedroom a couple of years back. There were so many details I hadn’t paid attention to until now. I never normally had any trouble falling asleep and thought of the poor souls that suffered from insomnia. Your body screaming at you that you needed to rest and you being unable to meet that need was beyond frustrating. Especially when I knew that I probably had my beautiful girl on the other end waiting for me. Peter had slept like a baby. I watched him breathe. He looked so calm and peaceful. I wondered where his mind was now? In a sort of dreamscape perhaps, that he might or might not as he woke up? He seemed to be in a good place and that calmed me a little. I got up eventually, leaving Peter in the bed and walked through to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. I didn’t feel right. My body needed rest but my mind was refusing to let me. The fridge was basically empty. Both my mum and Peter’s mum had done the shopping for us so far but now we were down to a tiny bit of cheese, a few out of date yoghurts and a half eaten pack of eggs. I decided to wait until Peter woke up and then I would go to the store to get some shopping. I had to get out. Maybe the fresh air would help me fall asleep later. I was deep in thought for some time. Staring at the news and letting my imagination get the better of me. My horrible, vivid imagination. “Morning,” Peter said right next to me. I jumped and spilled some of the coffee from the cup, it had gone cold. I hadn’t noticed him walking into the room.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said and brought a cloth to help clean up the coffee from the floor. I put my hand on my chest. He had given me a good fright. I was on edge due to the lack of sleep. “That’s OK, my mind was elsewhere,” I answered him. He looked at me with a half smile. “So…did you see her?” he asked. I felt awful. First he was jealous of me seeing her in my dreams and now he wanted me to see her and I couldn’t bloody fall asleep. I didn’t want to disappoint him. “I never fell asleep,” I said looking away. I couldn’t bare to look at him. He didn’t say anything but put one hand on my shoulder, probably to show . Then he walked over to the counter and poured himself some coffee. “Listen, I’m going to head to the supermarket soon for some food. Do you need me to get you anything?” I asked, still not looking at him. “No, I’m fine.” I nodded at his reply and walked back to our bedroom to get myself ready. I felt ashamed. Even though we’d had the good talk the night before, I felt like I was letting him down somehow. I had the link to Erin… The only link. There were no other traces of her. None. And now I couldn’t even do that right.

I arrived at the supermarket early in the morning. It was a twenty-four hour store so time wasn’t an issue there. It was however early enough that pensioners and mums on parent leave had started showing up so I wasn’t alone in the store, although I almost wish I had been. I randomly started putting things into my trolley. Fresh bread, milk, yoghurt, chocolate, bacon,

chicken and cereal. I walked slowly, not wanting to go hurry home to a disappointed husband. Or at least I felt like a disappointment. Maybe it was my fault Erin had disappeared in the first place. She had held my hand tight that last night. I shouldn’t have left her alone in her bedroom… I looked at the food in my trolley and felt disgusted. I was buying things that I had no desire to ever eat. Why eat at all? Why was I even here in this world? Was mankind meant to suffer like this? It just didn’t seem right. God I missed my daughter! I had been looking forward to seeing her last night and now that I hadn’t I was starting to understand how Peter felt. My poor husband. I stopped in an isle where all the medication was. I was looking for some painkillers when my eyes landed on a packet that read ‘sleep aid’. I picked it up and read the back label on it. Maybe this could help me get back to Erin? I put it in the trolley and took a couple of steps before stopping and turned to grab another one, just to be safe. I had been walking in the shop for a couple of hours in slow motion before heading back. A shop attendant had even asked if I was okay and if I was looking for something in particular since I had been there so long. I felt silly so I quickly payed for my groceries and left.

Peter was sitting on the couch as I got back in holding a couple of grocery bags. “Have you been at your mum’s house?” he asked, getting up to help me with the bags. “No, why?” I asked, feeling a little uneasy. Had something happened? “Well, I just assumed. You were gone for so long.” “Oh,” I stuttered. I didn’t want to tell him that I had been at the supermarket for longer in order to avoid him. “I just took my time, that’s all. I needed to get out.”

“I can relate to that,” he said as he started unpacking the groceries. I quickly got to the bags and was looking for the sleeping pills. For some reason I didn’t want him to see them. I felt the little square boxes in my hand and quickly grabbed them, putting them in my pocket, whilst Peter was putting the milk in the fridge. I then opened up a cupboard, grabbing the sugar I had bought and put it on a shelf. I looked over at him and smiled ever so slightly. He seemed a little confused as he looked at me, clearly picking up on my odd behaviour, but smiled non the less and turned to continue with the groceries.

It was getting late. It wasn’t easy to tell though since it had been grey the entire day. The sun was nowhere to be seen so it may as well have been evening the entire day. My brother Jason had stopped by earlier to show his . He was worried about me. He had commented on how tired I looked, stating the obvious. I couldn’t imagine that falling asleep tonight would be difficult. I reassured him that I was fine. Him and his girlfriend had broken up. She had acted weird after the news of Erin’s disappearance and dad having cancer. Too much family drama for her apparently. Jason was such a fun and easygoing person. I guessed that she was just wanting some fun and this whole family situation was just too much for her. He didn’t seem too beaten up about it though. He was more concerned about the family. Peter and I decided to head to bed once Jason had left. I was actually getting excited about going to sleep. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair, got into some comfy pyjamas and stood looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom for a little while before going to bed. I had a tired looking face, but there was hope in my eyes. I looked at the packet of sleeping pills and decided to try and fall asleep without taking the pills first. I hadn’t ever had trouble sleeping before so maybe last night was just a once-off situation. I cuddled into Peter and closed my eyes, imagining Erin in front of me.

After a while I heard Peter’s heavy breathing. He was sleeping. I sighed. Was I too tense perhaps? I did a relaxing technique that I had learnt a few years back. It took about fifteen minutes to focus on relaxing my muscles but I was still wide awake. Why wasn’t I sleeping? I looked over at Peter. I couldn’t disappoint him again. I just couldn’t. The sleeping pills were hidden in a cupboard in the bathroom behind a box of tampons. A place Peter would never think to look. I opened the packet and read the description. Adults were to take 1-2 pills half an hour before bedtime. I thought for a moment. If I doubled that dose, would it help? I was feeling so sleepy that I was dizzy. I was desperate for some sleep. I grabbed a few pills, not counting and not really caring either. If they sold them in the supermarket it couldn’t be too dangerous could it? I would get to Erin no matter what. I put them in my mouth, bent down to drink some water and tilted my head back, allowing the pills to travel down my throat. There, now that should do the trick. I thought as I saw my blurry self in the mirror.

“She is waking up,” I heard a distant male voice say. I tried opening my eyelids but they felt extremely heavy. “Alex?” Peter said. Wanting a response from me. I didn’t quite have the strength to answer him just now. Where was I anyway? “Is she going to be okay?” I heard Peter ask someone. “She is going to be just fine, as long as she eats proper meals and doesn’t overdose again,” I heard a male voice say with a hint of sarcasm or perhaps judgement. I couldn’t quite tell without seeing his face. I heard someone leave the room. We weren’t at home. It smelt weird and I heard people in the distance. I managed to force my eyes open. Peter was holding my hand and looking at me with worried eyes. “What were you thinking?” he said.

I felt instant guilt, but was a little confused as to where I was and why? “What happened?” I asked, slurring my words. “You were shaking and I couldn’t wake you up. You looked so pale. I called the ambulance, they came and they had to stomach pump you. Don’t you that?” he asked. “No,” I said, trying to how I got to the hospital. I couldn’t read Peter’s facial expression. He looked sad and a little angry. “Why would you try to kill yourself?” he asked. I felt baffled. “What?! No! I wasn’t trying to kill myself. Oh my God, is that what you thought?” I asked with a groggy voice. “Well, why would you take so many pills then??” he asked sternly. I looked away from him. I understood how this must have looked and felt ashamed. “I couldn’t sleep, so I couldn’t get back to Erin. And if I can’t get back to her then I can’t help get her back. The only hope we have is dependent on me seeing her in my dreams and if I can’t do that…well, I’m useless. It’s the only thing that makes this whole situation bearable. So I took the pills, a few too many perhaps. I just wanted to fall asleep so that I could see her.” We were quiet for a minute. “Alex, honey. It’s not up to you to fix this. And as much as I would like for you to get her back through these dreams, there is a huge possibility that they are just that, dreams. I know I’ve put a lot of pressure on you and I’m sorry. Just never do that again, you hear,” he said lovingly and continued; “The doctor says that it might not have been such a big deal if you had eaten proper meals. I explained to him why and he understood the situation but warned me of the consequences it could have if you keep taking those pills and mistreating your body.”

I nodded. My eating habits had been none-existing come to think of it. “Can we go home now?” I asked. I didn’t want to lie in a hospital bed any longer than I had to.

We were home a few hours later. The doctors just had to do another few tests. Peter had promised not to tell the rest of the family about my little overdose. I didn’t want to worry them more then necessary. As soon as we got home I went straight to bed, this time falling asleep without pills. My body was feeling a bit beaten. Peter stayed up for a while which almost felt comforting. Like when you are a child and your parents are still awake and you felt safe somehow. A welcoming thought.

Chapter 16 - Hide And Seek

I heard soft and happy giggling from a distance. I took a deep breath and felt as peaceful as the calmest water on a windless day. Just breathing in and out, taking in the scents of the forest around me. My soft cotton dress touching my skin like a warm welcoming hug. Erin was playing a stone’s throw away with a couple of fairies that she had made friends with. One of the fairies, with light pink wings and a glowing white dress was making bubbles out of a long grass straw that she had twisted together. She dipped it into the water by a little pond and somehow made shiny big bubbles with it by flying around in the air waving it about. Erin tried to catch them and was bursting with laughter. I looked around and noticed that the forest was alive. The trees were moving from a warm wind in the air making a rustling noise. The river was flowing near by and I saw golden fish jump up and dive down again. But it wasn’t just the trees and river, there were flowers literally dancing past me in the wind, as if they were alive. There were tiny troll-like figures walking among the stones, they seemed happy and peaceful. A few Shetland ponies stood by a clearing eating grass, their manes were beautifully cared for with flowers and braids of different shapes. Erin had always wanted one of course. I mean, most little girls dream of having a pony. Dream… I was dreaming, of course I was, it hit me like a slap in the face. Life wasn’t this glorious. I frowned and let myself feel sad for a couple of seconds before shaking it off. I was going to spend time together with my daughter and I was going to start asking more questions. Getting her back was my number one priority, even if it meant having to be more straightforward with Erin and less playful in the time that we shared. I ran over and gave her a big hug, making sure I didn’t scare off the fairies. “Mummy!” she said joyfully. “My little angel, how are you?” I asked, still holding her. “Amazing,” she said looking at me with her big blue eyes. I felt something

soft at my leg and looked down. “Hey Erin, isn’t that your teddy?” I asked pointing towards it. “Yes, I missed Mr. Cuddles. He smells like you and like daddy,” she said picking it up. It was the same teddy that I had held everyday since she had disappeared. Peter had also held the teddy and smelled it. It had still smelt like Erin, even after a few weeks, but it was starting to fade now. “I miss daddy,” she said, suddenly looking a little upset. “Ah sweetie, he misses you so much. He wants you to come home.” She fiddled with her teddy and then gave it a big hug before suddenly pointing away from where we were standing, like she had just ed something. “There is a really big park over there in the forest,” she said excitedly. “Can we go there mummy, can we…? Please!?” she asked eagerly. I smiled widely. “Of course we can honey,” I replied. She grabbed my hand whilst still holding onto Mr. Cuddles and led the way.

We walked for about five minutes and arrived at a magnificent park filled with bright coloured tunnels and loads of slides. There were mini clouds made out of cotton candy right above the park. The stairs went really high up, the highest, by far, out of all the parks I had ever seen. It was pretty spectacular. The other kids weren’t human so to speak. they all looked like they had come out of a fairytale book. There were mythical creatures that you could tell were children because they were all playing together and had the look of children, even though I had never seen most of them before. I wondered what species they were? A really cute little creature close to us had huge bunny shaped ears that seemed to be listening to everything. The creature suddenly bounced up so high that I could barely see it, up to one of the highest slides which was way past the cotton-candy clouds. A fluffy bright blue ball on the ground right in

front of us startled me as it suddenly opened up two huge brown eyes as if waking up. The creature’s feet came out beneath it. They were fluffy as well, and two tiny arms popped out at the sides. After my initial shock I burst out laughing. It was just so cute. Erin went over and patted it’s head. It looked up at her with warm eyes and then wobbled away to a nearby swing and attempted to get up on it. Erin could see that the little guy was having a hard time getting up so she went over and helped him. She came back over to me after helping him and looked longingly at all the tunnels and slides. “Go on then,” I said cheerfully. She looked up at me and smiled, the way someone smiles just before they are about to do something exciting. She ran over to the nearest steps and started climbing. I followed her, not wanting to lose sight of her. We climbed up a couple of flights of wide, white marble steps and found ourselves at a bright coral-red tunnel. We looked inside. It had little windows on each side that you could look out of as you entered. It was a fairly big tunnel. An adult wouldn’t have felt claustrophobic in it. It was spacious enough. Erin started walking into it and I followed her. She was just the right size for it, because she didn’t have to crawl but she sometimes had to bend down slightly if there was a nice ornament hanging from the roof of the tunnel. I, on the other hand, had to crawl, but the surface was soft to the touch and made it easy and light to crawl through, even though it looked like metal. The tunnels went in different directions as we took our time to enjoy the view from the windows and the shining ornaments from the roof that shone like stars. We finally came out of the tunnel and arrived at a point where more tunnels ed up and there were also a couple of long slides that led back down to the ground. We sat down by a little wooden table that looked like a piece of a big tree trunk with white metal legs that swirled delicately from under the table to the floor, as if it had grown there. The wooden chairs had the same glowing metal legs as the table. We went over and sat down looking out across the magnificent view of this fairy kingdom I was sure Erin had created in her mind. It was as if I was visiting her inside her own fantasy. I was a guest. This wasn’t my world but I was more than happy to be there. I looked at my cute girl as she sat there and wondered how she had come to this place? Why we were meeting in my dreams and if she could somehow come back to us.

“Erin?” I said, getting her attention. She looked at me and waited for me to say something. “This is all amazing and so much fun but why are we here?” I asked her. She thought for a moment. “I thought you said we could go to the park?” she answered looking slightly confused. “No, I mean why are you in this world and not at home with mummy and daddy anymore… Do you think that maybe it’s time to come home now? We miss you so much,” I said, trying to keep it together and not get too emotional. Erin looked a little upset. “I can’t mummy.” “Why not? What is keeping you here?” I tried. “I belong here now,” she said, still looking a little upset. “I like it, but I miss you and daddy…and everyone else,” she said as she came over and sat on my knee, holding onto her teddy. I wrapped my arms around her and found it increasingly hard not to cry. “Do you think there is maybe a way to get back home? how I told you that daddy and I met in our dreams before we met in real life.” Erin nodded her head. “Well, daddy found his way back. I know you can as well. Please sweetie, please find a way!” I said feeling a desperation inside me. Erin was tucked into my embrace like she didn’t want to leave. “The angels say that this is different,” she said. “How is this different?” I asked. “I don’t know but they say that they will be my new family now, I see

them sometimes but they don’t say much. I feel nice when they are around though.” I felt so confused. How was this different? I needed specifics. Peter had been clueless when I had met him in my dreams. He’d had no idea that he was stuck in a coma. Those dreams were slightly different though because they seemed to be a mixture of both mine and Peter’s fantasy and some kind of in-between world. These dreams were all Erin’s imagination coming to life.

“Erin honey, please try to figure out a way. Talk to the angels, make them understand that you need to come home. Maybe they’ll listen to you?” Erin was looking away suddenly, not listening to what I was saying. She hopped off my knee and disappeared into a tunnel. I followed her quickly but she was fast. “Erin wait!” I yelled, trying to crawl as fast as I could. I looked up and she was gone. I crawled faster while calling out her name, panic hitting me hard. I came out of the tunnel and saw even more tunnels and slides than before. “ERIN!!” I yelled as loudly as I could. Panic overtaking me. I looked around not knowing which tunnel to start looking through first. There were so many to choose from. At the corner of my eye I thought I saw her by a set of stairs to my right where a bridge was crossing over. I ran there fast. “Wait!” I shouted desperately but when I got there she was gone. The park had gone silent and it was turning dark. “Erin?!” my voice echoed into the silent landscape filled with endless tunnels. It was as if all the life and joy I'd had earlier had vanished. Even the sound of the trees and the babbling brook were gone. I took a couple of steps back and tripped, landing hard on a slide. I wasn’t quick enough to grab hold of anything to keep myself from falling before I started plummeting down the slide at an immense speed. I screamed, not knowing where I was heading. I was hurtling towards some sort of black hole that seemed to be pulling me in. I tried grasping at something, anything, but I

was going too fast. It got closer and closer, I was going to hit the blackness. I was terrified. I started praying, something I normally never did, and tried finding peace with my destiny. I was sure I was going to die. I fell into the black hole and yelled out in bed, sweat dripping off me. Was this my black hole, this life that I was living now? A life of constant despair?

Chapter 17 - The Reading

Peter jolted up in bed. “What is it? Are you ok?” he asked concerned. I had to take a few breaths to calm myself down before answering. Peter put his hand on my back, rubbing it gently. “Nightmare…in the end,” I answered. “In the end?” he asked. I looked at him. “I saw her again and I tried Peter…” I choked on my words as I was fighting back the tears. “I really tried to get some answers but she didn’t know and then she just ran off.” I was sobbing now. “She ran off and I couldn’t find her anywhere and then I fell.” Peter grabbed hold of me, throwing his arms around me and comforting me. “It’s OK… It’s OK,” he whispered into my hair. He put his palms on either side of my face and looked at me. “I know I’ve put too much pressure on you. I’m so sorry.” We held each other for a while longer until I had calmed down. It was easier calming down when Peter was by my side. Everything was easier with Peter…when he was himself and not closed off as he had been these last few weeks. It was a weight off my shoulders to have him back. I felt like an idiot for taking those pills the night before. They didn’t work anyway. I might have fallen asleep then but I didn’t dream anything at all and instead ended up in hospital, worrying Peter even more. I hadn’t been thinking straight, I knew that, but I had to get a grip.

It was early in the morning, the day was hinting a sunrise that hadn’t quite begun yet. We got up and made some coffee. I picked up the newspaper at the front door for some distraction from my actual life as it were. Not that news made me feel any better. It was often bad news at that, but still, it was something to do. I sat down by the kitchen counter skimming through the headlines. My eyes stopped at an ad where a woman was sitting looking mysterious, almost haunting. I looked to the top of the add and read ‘psychic reading’. I had a sudden thought as I looked up at Peter. “I could go and see that medium Lisa’s been talking about.” Peter looked at me with sarcasm written all over his face. “Really?” he said as if wanting to see if I was being serious or not. “Lisa has always said that this lady is so amazing and accurate, maybe she knows something about Erin? And besides, what have I got to loose.” Peter took a long breathe. “Yeah, suppose you’re right,” he said and took a sip of his coffee whilst he looked out of the window…always looking for our girl. I felt a rush of excitement in my body. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before. Maybe, just maybe I could get an answer. Any answer. Well, apart from really bad news. Oh no, what if it was bad news? What if she told me something horrible had happened to Erin? Either way, I had to take a chance to go and see this woman. I wondered if she was able to see me today? I grabbed my mobile phone and dialled Lisa’s number. “Alex?” a sleepy Lisa answered after a few rings. “Hi.” “It’s five-thirty in the morning hun…do you need to talk now or can I give you my undivided attention when I’m not sleepwalking?” she asked. I had forgotten what time it was. “Oh, sorry Lisa. It’s just… I need the number of that medium you’ve

been talking about for so long.” “Oh my God, you mean Mary? Yeah I’ll text you her number straight away. She’s really nice, you’ll like her,” she answered with a sound of relief that nothing bad had happened. There was far too much of that going around as it was just now. “Thanks Lisa, and sorry for waking you up, I hadn’t realised the time.” “No worries hun. I’m always here for you, you know that. Let me know what Mary says. I’m sure she’ll have some answers for you or maybe she can put you in with Erin somehow.” “Yeah, I hope so… Talk to you later,” I said before we hung up. I got a text message from her almost immediately with the medium’s number. It was too early to call so I texted her, saying that I would like to book an appointment as soon as possible and asked if she could get back to me today. I put the phone down but I kept staring at it until I realised that I was being obsessive. Having this new thrill of maybe getting some information from the medium had put me in an almost pleasant mood. I looked down at my pyjamas and then felt my hair. I hadn’t washed for a while and I suspected that I wasn’t smelling like roses. Hygiene wasn’t high up on my list of priorities these days. I decided to take a bath while I waited for a reply from the medium, which could take a few hours anyway since it was so early in the morning. I poured up the bath with some bubblebath and salts. I felt my hair as I undressed, it felt oily and dirty. I couldn’t believe I could let myself get so filthy without even noticing. Suppose grief did that to you? You sort of felt like…’what’s the point’. But today…today I felt hope. It was as if I had been lost in a dark hole and this medium idea was a light, a tiny little light of hope that I had yearned for. I got into the bath and started praying. ‘Please God, please let the medium have some good news about Erin’. I kept saying it over and over, hoping that there was some bigger force out there that could help me. Call it God, call it source, call it whatever. As long as it was powerful and it was listening, I was happy.

After washing my hair and body I got up and felt refreshed. The medium still hadn’t texted me back but it was still early. It wasn’t until i had got dressed, brushed my teeth and dried my hair that I heard a text message coming through. I ran so fast to my mobile phone that I startled Peter, making him spill some of the water he was drinking. “Sorry,” I said as I grabbed my phone. It was her. “She can see me today, she has a cancellation at two in the afternoon,” I said happily. “Great,” Peter said unenthusiastically as he wiped up the water that I had made him spill. “Can I take the car? She lives out in Falkirk.” “Yeah sure, I don’t need the car today anyway. I can take the bus if I need to. Unless you want me to come?” he asked. “No, I’m good. I know you don’t really believe in that sort of thing anyway. I’ll let you know what she said after.” Peter nodded his head, I think with a sense of relief that he didn’t have to come along.

I sat in the car with my shades on. The sun was out today. I felt like I was on a mission. It felt so good having something to do in the situation. Just something, anything that felt like a lead was a welcoming task. I was getting close to Falkirk with a thousand thoughts and questions my head. What would I ask her? Would she do all the talking? Did I want to hear everything? I felt a little scared not knowing what to expect. But also excited. I found her house pretty easily just by following the GPS directions. As I parked the car on her driveway I felt nervous and all of a sudden unsure of being there. Was this really a good idea? Here I was, it had seemed so great at first, getting some answers. But now I wasn’t so sure. I finally took a deep breath and stepped out of the car and walked up to the white tiled house with a black front door that had a golden door-knocker on it with a lion biting onto the handle. I stood at the front door gathering the courage to

knock when it opened. A short, elderly and kind looking lady with blonde bobbed hair and red-rimmed glasses was looking at me with a smile. “Hello dear, you are Alex I take it?” she asked. “Yes, hello. And you’re Mary?” I said as we shook hands. “Come on in,” she said, making way for me to on through to her hallway. Her house looked more normal than I had expected. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was expecting but maybe more candles, maybe more darkness and glass bowls to see the future with? Instead it was light and welcoming. I felt very relaxed as I entered, my anxiety falling away. She guided me down the hall past her kitchen and living-room to a white door at the end of the hallway. The room we entered was cosy and light. She had some small angel statues on a little table in the middle of the room and on the windowsill. She gestured for me to sit down on one of the chairs with white cushion satin. I put my bag on the floor and sat down putting my hands on my knees and waiting for her to get ready for whatever she was about to do. I felt a little nervous. “Now just relax, there is nothing to fear here. What I do is I talk to spirits from the other side and they tell me what they think you need to know at this moment in time. I don’t go into the future too much. I can see the path that you are on but that can always change depending on the circumstances.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She was silent for about half a minute and I was beginning to wonder if she had gone into some sort of meditative state. She smiled and giggled a little. “I like your dad.” “My dad?” I burst out. “He’s not dead,” I said and felt scared. “No he’s not but I can feel his energy. He is a very funny man. He is very laid back. The calm in the storm so to speak. He likes to calm your mother down. It makes him feel special because no one else can do it like he can.” She looked at me. “He is so proud of you. More than you know. He sees you

following your heart and ion. You two are incredibly close and he knows your situation is very hard. He will always be there for you… He needs you to know that.” I looked at her in surprise. Well, that sounded almost good. Did that mean that he would recover perhaps? She took another deep breath. You met your husband under very unusual circumstances didn’t you? This is also a man whom you are very close to. He is, what some people refer to as, your soulmate. Not everyone gets to meet or recognise of their soul cluster, but you have.” “Soul cluster?” I frowned. “You could call it your soul family. Your vibration is of the same sort. You must , we are all connected, like a big ocean. You might be a wave upon it but you are still part of the ocean.” I thought for a while. That was a nice way of putting it. “You have a lot of dreams, you are very connected to them.” “Yes… Yes I am,” I answered, near enough staring at her with anticipation. She was so accurate, she must be onto something. “You have a gift, an unusual gift. You connect,” she said. “It is important that you listen to these dreams. They are always trying to show you something.” She paused for a few seconds closing her eyes in the process. She frowned a little, as if not quite liking the information she was getting. “You have a daughter, she is about five or six years old.” I was listening intently now. “You broke the veil… That wasn’t meant to happen and they are trying to fix it.” “Who?” I asked desperately. “Where is my daughter.”

“She wasn’t meant to be,” she said. “She…no… they are closing it from my eyes. I cannot see what they are doing,” she said. I could tell that she was focusing hard and I was leaning forward without blinking, wanting more information. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I backed away slightly. “Alex, all I could see before they shut me out was that your daughter is looked after, she is safe. I can’t see her in the physical world. I take it she has ed on?” she asked looking at me. I fell quiet. The medium looked at me with empathy in her eyes. “I am so sorry…but if I can’t sense her energy on the earth plane it normally means that she has left and moved on to a better place…” She leaned forward and put her hand on my knee. “She is happy and well, I can assure you. Even when it is really hard for you, you must that she is in good hands now.” I shook her hand off my knee and stood up. “She is coming back!” I said angrily. The medium looked at me with comion in her deep green eyes. “She is, I know she is,” I continued as tears fell down my cheeks. The medium got up and put her arms around me like a mother would a child. Completely ignoring my anger which frustrated me. She obviously thought that she was right. I knew she wasn’t, she couldn’t be. I came here for good news…not this. I tried not to let my annoyance show however. I just told her that I had to leave. I paid her and got ready to go when she grabbed my arm, hard. It startled me. She didn’t look the same somehow. Her kind eyes looked alarmingly intense and almost angry. “You have broken the veil between worlds, you must fix it. The shadows are coming… The shadows are coming.” She let go of my arm and all of a sudden she was the same person that she had been before. “What do you mean by the shadows?” I asked, almost afraid to move.

“What’s that dear?” she asked, looking confused. I looked at her for a couple of seconds and realised, she didn’t know what had just happened either. “Nothing, I’ll just be on my way,” I said and turned for the door. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I sat in the car and got the engine running. I backed down the driveway and almost ran over a poor cyclist. I had to hit the brakes fast and it made me a little shaky. I took a breather and then drove off. What had she meant by the shadows are coming? And what veil was she talking about? At least my dad was OK. That was something to hold onto I suppose. I couldn’t driving back to Edinburgh. I had too many thoughts in my head. What would I tell Peter? Would I be completely honest or would I tell a white lie? I could at least tell him about dad, but what about Erin? Peter and I always told each other the truth so I would tell him. He didn’t really believe in these things anyway so there was probably nothing to worry about. I walked up to our flat but Peter wasn’t at home. After what the medium had told me I wanted to be in Erin’s room, I wanted to smell her, to know that she was coming home. I walked into her room looking for her teddy, the one she’d had in the dream but I couldn’t find it anywhere so I looked in our bedroom, then the living-room but it was nowhere to be seen. Peter walked in. “Hi, are you back so early? I was just out for a walk, how did it go?” he asked. “Have you seen Erin’s teddy?” I asked, ignoring his questions. “Last time I looked it was in Erin’s room.” “Well it’s not there now!” I unfairly barked at him. I shook my head, trying to shake off my grumpy mood. “Sorry… I just can’t find it.”

“Right, I’ll help you look,” he said taking off his shoes and starting the search with me. It was silly really, how important a teddy could become, but it felt like it was part of her. After another fifteen minutes of searching we sat down on the couch defeated. “She was holding that teddy last night you know,” I told him. “She told me that she misses you so much, and everyone else as well. She said that the teddy smelt like you,” I said looking at him. He had tears in his eyes but he was smiling ever so lightly. “Maybe she came to get the teddy?” he said. I hadn’t thought of that. “Yeah, maybe she did. But that means that she can find her way back?” I said, feeling a little better about the missing teddy. “Yes she can…and she will,” he said. We were both thinking the same thing. This wasn’t a closed case. It was a highly unusual case, but we were willing to open our minds to whatever this situation may be and think outside of the box. We had done it once before. We were proof that something impossible could happen. Nothing was set in stone, nothing was impossible or out of reach. It wasn’t over yet. If Erin had been here last night to get her teddy, then she was reachable and we were going to hold on to that possibility come hell or high water.

Chapter 18 - Can You See Me?

I was window-shopping as I walked down the main street of EdinburghPrinces Street, and saw a pretty fairy umbrella that I knew Erin would love. Maybe I could get her that for Christmas? It was a grey day but it wasn’t raining although there was a little chill in the air and a slight drizzle from time to time. The Edinburgh castle was dark looking as I glanced up towards it. Shadows were moving in the windows. Probably just tourists, still, it gave me the chills. The street was packed with a wide variety of people. A lot of tourists, I was guessing, but also Scot’s out and about. I looked back at the window where I had seen the umbrella but it was gone. Instead it had been replaced by a bunch of dark and dull-looking umbrellas. They must have changed it fast as I had looked away, I assumed. I continued walking down the street with my hands in my denim jacket pockets. I wasn’t here to buy anything specific. I wasn’t actually sure what I was doing here in the first place. A few yards away I spotted a man in his forties wearing a beige jacket, he had a fatherly look to him. He was holding hands with a little girl as they were walking away. She had wavy, long and dark hair and she was wearing clothes I recognised. Clothes Erin was wearing the day before she disappeared. We had been over it a thousand times and I ed exactly what she had been wearing. Black tights with heart shapes, a long black and pink top and a denim jacket with studs. I stopped in my tracks. She didn’t just look like Erin, she was Erin. I ran ahead as fast as I could, pushing my way through the pedestrian crowd, and grabbed hold of the little girl whilst pushing away the man with force. “Let go of her!” I yelled, looking angrily in his direction while still holding on tight to Erin. But when I looked back at who I thought was Erin, I saw a frightened tearful girl staring back at me. She wasn’t in Erin’s clothes at all, had I imagined it? She had similar hair but it wasn’t as long as Erin’s. “Oh my God,” I said as I let go. The father was looking angrily at me whilst comforting who I suspect was his daughter. I held my hands up to my

mouth in shock. “I am so sorry, I thought she was someone else.” “Well next time have a closer look before you scare the living daylight out of my daughter… Crazy lass.” “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry,” I said as they quickly moved away, distancing themselves from me. I felt awful. That poor girl. I had been so sure that it was Erin. It had looked exactly like her from behind but I must have been imagining things. I continued down the street and ended up walking to Princes Street Park where I sat down on a patch of grass and just listened to the world around me. I saw a hot air balloon higher up. They were waving at me. I waved happily back. I thought I recognised the people in it and had a closer look. “Emma?” I said out loud. Of course they couldn’t hear me but I was speaking more to myself than anything. It was my sister and as I continued to look at the other people in it I noticed my whole family there, as well as Lisa and Chris. But they didn’t look happy. They looked panicked, and they were pointing towards something. I looked around but couldn’t figure out what they were trying to show me. I looked back up at them and now I heard them loud and clear. “Erin is there! She is over by the swings!” Emma shouted. The others were pointing and saying something but I couldn’t hear them. I jumped up and ran in the direction they were showing me. I headed towards the swings and saw her. This time I was sure, it really was her. My heart started raising, the adrenaline kicked in at first but a couple of steps later I felt so heavy. I looked down at my feet and noticed that I was wearing huge heavy wellington boots. Where had they come from? I tried getting them off but it was as if they were glued to me. I felt so frustrated and gave up on trying to get them off and instead tried to power through it. My legs were so heavy. “Erin…” I tried shouting but all that came out was a whisper. Like the kind when you have lost your voice.

“Erin,” I tried again. She didn’t seem to be interacting with the other children but was just playing on her own. I took one heavy step after another until I was close enough that she should’ve seen and heard me. “Erin,” my raspy voice echoed silently out. Erin turned around and looked in my direction, but it was as if she was looking straight through me. I knew she had somehow heard me but could she see me? She lifted her shoulders as if she had imagined it and started walking away. “Erin, no…come back…come back,” my tiny, breathy voice tried, feeling helpless and incredibly frustrated.

The scene around me changed and I was freed from the bonds that held me. But where was I now? It looked like a place of utter beauty with big colourful flowers that were shining like the sun and magnificently huge trees that seemed to guard the landscape. I felt a wave of love and calmness wash over me as I took a deep breath. The sun was kissing my face and I heard waves touching on a shore that didn’t seem too far away. I walked towards the sound and saw what I had expected. A long, white and dazzling beach. Light seemed to be everywhere. However, it wasn’t like sunlight. It was more of a loving light. I felt so loved and accepted. Any burden I may have had was lifted. I looked down the beach and saw Erin playing in the sand. She was building a sand castle. I walked up to her and smiled. I got down on my knees and stretched out my hand to touch her arm gently but as I got closer to her my hand turned into a million little stars, like sparkling dust that spread out. I quickly pulled back my arm out of fright and my hand was once again whole. I held onto it and wondered what that was all about. Then I tried again, very slowly this time. As I got within half a yard of her it was as if there was a veil. I put my fingers slowly through it and saw the same thing that I had seen before. It didn’t hurt and was actually incredibly bewitching, shining like diamonds with soft glowing light hitting the surface, but why was it happening? Erin hadn’t noticed me at all. “Erin!!” I called out. This time with my voice back, loud and clear. But

she didn’t respond. It was as if I was a ghost, and I couldn’t touch her either. What if I put my whole body through the veil. Would she see me then? I had to try, no matter what the cost. I couldn’t be without her any longer. I took a deep breath, stood up and walked right at the veil that was separating me and my daughter. I put my foot in first. I couldn’t feel my foot anymore but in its place was a warm feeling. It didn’t hurt at all. It transformed into a million stars like it had with my hand. I continued slowly, watching my body disintegrate as it ed over the veil. I was about to take my last step in when I felt myself being pulled from behind. My body was flung back and I landed hard on the ground. My head felt like it exploded.

My eyes flew open and I was lying on the floor back in Edinburgh. I had fallen off the bed and hit my head on the bedside table. I sat up clumsily and felt the back of my head. It was sore. I tried touching it but it stung. I looked at my fingers and noticed that I was bleeding. Peter rushed in. He had been in the kitchen. “Alex,” he said as he rushed over to me where I sat on the floor. “Are you hurt? …here let me have a look,” he said as I bent forward so he could see. He had to get up and put the lights on before seeing what damage had been done. “You’ve got a bump…hang on,” he said before he ran out of the room and came back with our emergency kit and took out a few antibacterial wipes. “This might sting a little.” He wasn’t joking. It stung like hell. “Ouch” I yelled. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s just a small cut… I don’t think we need to go to the emergency room but I’ll clean you up and get some ice for that bump.” “Thank you… Sorry for yelling,” I said looking at him with apologetic eyes. “Don’t worry about it. You must have given yourself a good fright to fall out of bed like that.”

“Yeah,” I said as I started to the dream. I didn’t have the heart to tell Peter that she was fading. He didn’t need to know that. It was a burden that I would carry myself. I didn’t know what it meant. It was heartbreaking watching her and not being able to communicate. Maybe this was just a random dream though, maybe it didn’t mean anything? Maybe I would see her again tonight…

Chapter 19 -Confiding In Dad

My head was throbbing after having fallen off the bed. I hadn’t gone back to sleep after it happened. Peter had stayed up with me tending to my wound and brought me ice when I needed more. He was very attentive and loving. I got the feeling it made him feel good to be needed. The bleeding had subsided almost immediately. It wasn’t a big cut so Peter had just put surgical tape over it after having washed it. There was a big bump there however and it hurt. Peter had given me some painkillers and was now holding me in his arms as we sat on the couch and watched morning tv. “I want to go see dad today,” I said. I felt like I really missed him and I wanted to see how he was doing and if they had come to a decision on whether he was going to go home or stay at the hospital. “Do you want company?” he asked. On the one hand I really wanted him to come, we felt close again and I loved him being by my side, but on the other hand I needed some time alone with my dad. I wanted to ask him how he really felt about the whole situation he was in and I also wanted to have a heart to heart about how I felt. When I was young we used to have these long chats. Sometimes we would go out for walks just him and me and I would tell him everything. He was so easy to talk to because he never judged me or tried to change me. Mum was more the type who would try and force you into being something you weren’t. It had been years since we’d had a good long talk like that. I had been too busy with Erin, married life and a job to even think about it. Peter was the one I would talk to about everything now a days of course but still, I missed my chats with my dad. “If you don’t mind I think I’ll go by myself. I need some quality time with him. I don’t know how much longer he’ll be here?” I said with a lump in my throat. Peter kissed my forehead.

“No problem sweetie. You tell your dad I said hi OK?” I nodded my head and we sat in silence watching morning TV for a good hour or so before I got myself ready to head over to see dad.

I got an uncomfortable feeling as I left the flat. Like I was being watched again. I looked around and didn’t see anything at first. It was raining slightly and I didn’t want to stand there too long but I felt off somehow. I walked to our car and was about to open the door when I saw a shadow across the street. I froze. It had a cloudy substance to it with barely visible facial features but you could sense its presence, or at least I could. There was also a woman not far off. She looked a little lost. She saw me and walked over. She was extremely thin looking and I almost felt like inviting her up for a good meal. It looked rather painful. The shadow followed her and I backed away. She hadn’t noticed my reaction though. “Do you know how to get to Chamberlain Road?” she asked…in a rude manner. I looked over her shoulder, behind her where the shadow figure was standing, a couple of yards away. She saw me looking and turned around. “What are you looking at?” she asked. I felt terrified of it, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. “Hello?” she said again, trying to catch my attention. I blinked and looked at her. “Ah…mm…Chamberlain Road is just up that street there, then it’s like a a five minute walk and the street will be on your right hand side,” I said as if I was confused myself and then looked back at the shadow. It looked like it was smirking at me. The hairs on my arms stood right up. “Thanks,” she said as she walked away. I swear I could hear her muttering something about crazy. The shadow followed her. I could tell that she had no clue about it following her and I wasn’t about to tell her. I’d scare her. If she didn’t see it herself she would most definitely think that I

was crazy. I felt cold to the core. What were those things? Where did they come from? Why were they here? It was fear based, that’s for sure. Nothing good or loving was present in those shadows. They scared me. I knew for sure that I wasn’t dreaming. The psychics words ran through my head. ‘You have broken the veil between worlds… The shadow men are coming’. Were these the shadow men? What was I to do about that? And how the hell was I supposed to fix the veil that she was talking about? How was that even my fault? I got in the car feeling frustrated just thinking about it. The uneasy feeling that I had felt had now subsided. That poor woman. Being followed by that ’thing’. Surely she could feel its presence somehow? I started the car and drove off to the hospital. I had called my mum to check where she was. She was luckily enough elsewhere doing shopping. I needed dad on my own now more than ever.

I entered the room in which my dad was in. Tubes were taped to him. It hit me that those horrible looking tubes could be the only thing keeping him alive, but what was alive? what did that mean? Surviving is different from living and my dad didn’t want to simply survive. I saw it in his eyes. He looked forlorn, that is, until our eyes met and they lit up as they always did when he saw me or someone he loved. It felt familiar, the way he looked at me, but I had never felt the contrast so much before. Going from that first look to the other, it was like day and night. I walked over and gave him a gentle hug, not wanting to break any bones. He looked so fragile. “Hey dad?” I said quietly. “Hello darling,” he replied coughing slightly. “Are they looking after you properly dad?” “Och aye, I know I look like death warmed up but they do their best,” he said smiling cheekily at me. I smiled back.

“Don’t say that dad. You’re always handsome in my eyes,” I said, winking at him. My dad smiled warmly at me. “They are letting me go home tomorrow.” “Really?” I asked doubtfully, looking around at all the tubes. “Yes, really. I want my own bed next to your mother, my own garden to look upon and enjoy the smells of, my own chair in the living-room, my own god-damn life back, even if it is a short one.” My smile disappeared and he noticed. “Oh come on darling, I’m just messing with you,” he said trying to lighten the mood but then he started coughing again. I reached for the water at his bedside table, offering it to him. “Here dad, drink this.” He took the cup and drank. He then smiled at me again. “Thank you dear. So any news about Erin? You know, I have this feeling that she is OK. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is but in my heart I feel it somehow,” he said looking away as if thinking of a distant memory. I stood still and silent for a couple of seconds wondering how I was going to start this conversation without him thinking that I had lost my mind completely. I cleared my throat. “Well dad, I want to tell you something… I think I have a sort of…gift.” He was showing no facial expression apart from his clear undivided attention as he looked at me. I continued; “I’ve never told you how Peter and I truly met… Have I?” “Well I thought it was through Emma's friend Dana was it not?” “Yes that is true, but we met earlier than that,” I said looking at him. I

felt a little nervous. I paused for a few seconds and then sat down on the bed beside him. “I dreamt of Peter. I met him in my dreams before I met him in real life. I had never seen him before. The dreams were so vivid. At first I thought that they were just dreams… Wishful thinking you know, but they became so real, so intense. Part of me thought that I was losing my mind you know,” I said laughing. “But I fell in love with him in my dreams before I met him here…in this world. I even painted a picture of him, that’s how I ended up meeting him. Emma saw the painting and thought that I knew him. She thought that we had met before.” My dad looked fascinated. “That sounds like a proper love story if you ask me?” he said. I held my hands together as in prayer. “Well, I’m getting dreams like that again.” “Are you falling in-love with someone else?” he asked looking a little worried. “No no,” I quickly replied, understanding how it must have sounded. “I dream of Erin.” My dad’s eyes popped open. “So you also feel it?” he asked. “Yes…yes I do,” I said as my eyes started to water, but not out of sadness, out of hope. I told him all about my dreams with Erin. Our amazing adventures to other planets and beautiful fairy trees. I then told him about the last dream I’d had where I couldn’t get hold of her and the frustration of it all. My dad looked fascinated by my stories. “Do you think she is lying in a coma somewhere as well, like Peter?” he asked.

“No… I don’t think so… I don’t know what to think. I mean, I don’t even understand how she got out of the flat, let alone if she wandered off somehow and ended up in a coma. No, I think there is something else to it. But dad… I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m losing her now,” I said as a couple of tears managed to escape my eyes. I felt so small, like I was a little girl beside my dad and the only one who could help me was him. “Oh darling,” he said gesturing for me to come closer. He wrapped his tired arms around me as best he could. “I’m sure this is a good sign. You just wait and see.” I knew he was comforting me with words neither of us knew were true but somehow it helped. Like when you are a child and your parents tell you that your cat had to go to a lovely cat farm to live with all his friends when in fact the cat got run over by a car. It was soothing and I took it all in as best I could. A doctor walked into the room. My dad’s doctor. “Hello Will,” the doctor said cheerfully to my dad. “Hello, you’ve met my daughter if I correctly?” “Yes, yes I have. Hello! Your dad is a ray of sunshine on this floor,” he said winking at me as he shook my hand. I smiled, knowing how charming my dad could be. Then he looked back at my dad. “Well, here’s some good news for you,” he said, widening his eyes, “I’ve checked and you, my friend, can go home tomorrow, if you wish?” My dad smiled wide. “You don’t say.” “I do say,” the doctor comically replied. “You’ll get all the necessary medicine to ease the pain slightly and I’ll get a nurse to come and check up on you once a day to check your vitals and to make sure that you take your medication. There will be a direct number to that nurse as well, as she is directly assigned to you. You just call whenever you need her. Your wife has signed all the necessary documents… It took her a while and I must it, she wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about it but she signed them for you.”

My dad looked thrilled as he looked over at me. “I’m going home.” “I know we’ve been over this before,” the doctor continued, “but you have got to look after yourself Will. You could live longer than you think, just make sure you keep warm and stay away from people who are down with the flu or have a tummy bug…that sort of thing. Your body is working hard enough as it is. You need to listen to what your body is telling you Will. Rest is key.” “Yes, yes, my dad said waving it off like it didn’t really matter. It annoyed me a little. I got the impression he wasn’t taking his health seriously at all. “Dad!” I said a little angrily. “Alright dear, no need to get cross. I get plenty of that from your mother.” The doctor laughed at my dad’s comment. “I mean it!” I said. “Yes dear I know, I will look after myself as best I can” “OK then,” I said unfolding my crossed arms slightly. My dad looked very pleased with himself. The doctor left the room. “A nice old whiskey by the fireplace is just what the doctor ordered.” “No he did not!” I firmly said. My dad looked at me and smiled. “You have to live Alex. You can’t go around all your life being scared of what might happen. I know your mother won’t allow it so I’ll have to wait until I’m on my own in the house,” he said looking like he was scheming something. I just rolled my eyes. My mother would go nuts if she knew what he was up to. But I wouldn’t tell her. I loved seeing my dad happy. It was like medicine to the soul.

“Home sweet home,” he said smiling.

Chapter 20 - A Walk On The Beach

I felt warm. Not in the physical sense but I felt warm in my heart. I felt loved, so utterly loved. In a million ways it felt familiar, like I had come home and yet I felt like I hadn’t been here for a very long time. Like the feeling of sun on your face after months of the cold and dark winter. Only a million times more intense. I felt as though God’s arms were wrapped around me. If that’s what you could call it. Some called it source energy, some called it pure love and some called it heaven. Whatever it was, I wanted to bask in it, never to leave. To sit in this shining wonder and just be.

Moving bright sparkles of light hit my eyelids. Someone was there. I could sense it rather than see it. I opened my eyes and saw better than I had ever been able to see in real life. I saw every particle in the air, every drop of water from the small gentle waves just barely touching my feet, every grain of sand of the white warm beach I sat upon. I focused and saw the grain of sand up close and it looked like huge rocks, shining perfectly with every ray of sun kissing it’s surface. Everything was so clear as were my other senses. I got up, pushing my palms against the sand for but I didn’t seem to need it. I rose effortlessly, as if the thought itself had pushed me up by sheer will. I looked around and noticed that I was standing on an island. It was small but radiant with every flower imaginable in the centre of the island amongst palm trees and other greenery. However, it was the flowers that caught my attention because of their vibrant colours and that there were so many of them. It made me wonder if they were conscious beings rather than plants. I heard birds singing pretty melodies but I couldn’t see any other animals. The presence I had felt before was now standing next to me like an old friend. I knew who it was, I had met her before. I had sometimes felt her presence in my life but only ever seen her that one time when I was having all the dreams about Peter. She had then come to tell me to let go of Peter.

She had told me that he was dying and that I had to let go for both of our sakes. I had named Erin after her. She stood before me in a magnificent white glowing dress. Her pale skin was also glowing and her long blond hair fell down to her knees in light waves. As I looked at her I saw myself reflecting back at me, like she was me somehow and I was her. We were from one and the same energy source. “Hello,” she said with the sweetest soft and incredibly soothing voice. I almost forgot to reply, it was so magical to listen to. I smiled at her. “Hello again,” I said. “Well, I’m always around so it’s never truly a new visit but I know what you mean,” she replied smiling warmly at me. We started walking along the beach. The sand felt like the softest grains that massaged my feet gently with every step. Across the ocean the sky was a delightful pink colour and the sea a turquoise glow. It was mesmerising to look at. “Do you know why I came to see you?” she asked. I wasn’t sure if it had to do with Erin or perhaps it was about my dad. “I think so but I am not sure,” I replied. “Is it about Erin?” I asked questionably. Part of me was afraid of what she would say. “Yes, it is about your daughter.” I felt a little dizzy with anticipation. Would I get some sort of answer to where Erin was? I stared at her. “Do you when you were with Peter on the side of a mountain overlooking the ocean…when you met in in the dreamscape?” she asked. How could I forget? That is where Peter and I had made love for the first time. Even though it was in a dream it felt incredibly real. It had been magical in so many ways. The way he had touched me, the way he had kissed me, the way we had held each other after, the scenery, a gift bracelet

that he had given me made out of my favourite flower - bluebells. It was a memory I would cherish for all time. Even if it had happened in my dreamscape and not in the physical realm. “Yes,” I said smiling at the memory. “I every detail. Why do you ask?” “I ask because that is when Erin was conceived.” I frowned. “But how can that be?” I asked. “I mean, how could that even be possible? That is like another dimension…right?” I asked her, feeling intensely confused. “When you met Peter in the dreamscape you had somehow managed to rip open a sort of hole between the two worlds. Everybody can feel energy more or less, what people in the physical realm would call your sixth sense. People of your world are meant to connect with the non physical. However, they are also meant to be separated to an extent. You are still meant to have your physical experience in the world you live in. The 3D world so to speak. But what’s happened since you created this hole is that things have started to sip through from both sides. This creates chaos if left for too long. The people that are currently having a physical experience aren’t ready for the non-physical to blend. They would not understand. When you let the dreamscape in, you don’t just let the good in, you also let in the bad. “Is that where the shadowy beings come from?” I asked, ing the unpleasant feeling of the shadow men I had seen. “Yes, they are bad energy that combines itself like cancer, living off the fear of the people. This is why the people of the 3D world aren’t ready. People don’t understand that it is their own fear that chases them and that it is within themselves to stop it.” She looked out towards the pink horizon. “Now that those energies are sipping through, it could take a nasty turn. They become physical if left too long in your world.” She looked sad as she said it. “What do you mean by 3D world?” I asked.

“3D world is the world that you live in now. You, my friend have evolved consciously and are somewhere in-between the third and fourth dimension. This is a place where things and thoughts manifest faster and things vibrate quicker. Everything is lighter and love is the dominant emotion. You cannot get to the fourth dimension on a low energetic frequency. Love is a light and vibrant energetic vibration. And because the majority of people in the third dimension aren’t ready, this creates low frequency manifestations. Their main vibration is starting to show, hence the shadow entities that you have seen… You too have started to manifest your own shadow. You have been so sad of late. I know you have felt something, like you are being watched and it makes you feel terribly uneasy. That is your own fear intensified. You are the only one who can stop it.” I stood there gobsmacked. Was this my fault somehow? But I had a more burning question. “But what has this got to do with Erin?” I asked. She looked at me seriously. “Don’t you see? Erin was never meant to have been born in your physical world. She was conceived here in the dreamscape, she was meant to stay here. With her in the physical realm it is allowing the hole to stay open. This is why she had to go back.” I froze. I tried to say something but my mind was racing with too many questions at the same time. Eventually I took a deep breath. “What is it you are saying?” I asked, not being able to say it myself.” “Erin is where she is meant to be now. The hole is healing and everything is as it was meant to be…shortly enough anyway,” she looked back towards the ocean. “Once the hole is healed she can never go back and all will be as it should. One day you will reunite but it is not in this lifetime. I know how hard this is to hear but we will look after her. She is safe.” I wanted to scream at her and tell her that she was wrong, that it wasn’t Erin’s fault that the angels had a screw up on their shift of guarding the stupid wall between worlds. They couldn’t let me have her for five years and love her only to take her back when they felt like it. I wasn’t having any of it.

“No!” I said firmly. “She is my daughter, I gave birth to her in my physical world. She is meant to be with me and Peter!” A single tear of anger and frustration fell from my eye and landed on the sand in slowmotion and hit it with a heavy fall. “Alex,” she said with her soothing, kind voice that I didn’t want to hear right now. I wanted to be angry at her. To make her see that Erin needed to be with us. “Is there no way around it?” I asked desperately. She looked at me and put her hand on my forehead making me dizzy and relaxed. I felt myself floating on air without a care in the world. Who was I? Where was I? I felt my whole body drifting into a sort of meditative state. Whatever it was, I felt happy and fulfilled. I had forgotten everything. What could I possibly have to be sad about. I couldn’t recall my life at all but I just knew I was loved, completely and utterly loved.

Chapter 21 -A Turn For The Worse

Someone once said that you learn and grow from the tough times in your life, but what was I supposed to learn here? That I had been too blessed? Was I not developing enough spiritually or being a fast enough learner? Was I being challenged or punished? Was this karma for something that I had done in a previous life? I couldn’t see the purpose of it all.

I had woken up that morning feeling so at peace at first. Feeling all the love in the world, as if under a trance. I stretched out my body and enjoyed the comfort of my soft bed… But then I ed. I ed every little gory detail of my life that seemed to be falling apart more and more for every waking day. I recollected the dream I’d had with the angel. She can’t have been right about it all. I didn’t want to believe it. And what had she done with me in the end? It was as if she had given me some powerful drug. My Erin had to come home. How else could I survive? The thought was too hard to take in. It could in fact, just have been a dream. Maybe it was? I mean, the majority of all of my dreams since I was a child had been based on my imagination and I was under a lot of stress so surely this could be the result of a lot of worry? Yes, I think that is what it was.

It had been exactly forty-four days since Erin’s disappearance. The pain in my chest was as heavy as the first day that she had disappeared. I couldn’t see a future anymore. I couldn’t enjoy the present time either. Peter walked through hastily. “Alex, there are policemen with dogs at the park. They look as if they have found something,” he stressed, putting on a jumper. “Well have they called to say anything?” I asked.

“No, but I don’t think they would unless they found something.” “Hang on. I’m coming too,” I said as I hopped out of bed and threw on the closest clothes I could find. A pair of jeans I hadn’t washed in ages that probably smelled awful by now and a t-shirt that hung over a chair, also probably smelly but I just didn’t seem to care anymore. We went outside. It was about a hundred yards away or so. As we came closer we saw that they were digging a hole in the ground. I ran up to the police officer standing closest to us. A tall man that looked to be about my age. “What have you found?” I asked, almost yelling at the poor guy. “I’m sorry miss, I can’t give you any information on that I’m afraid,” he said, barely looking at me. “Hey!?” I said angrily. “My daughter is missing, I have a right to know everything that is happening around this area.” The police officer looked at me sternly. “I am going to have to ask you to calm down miss. If the department working on your case finds something they will let you know and if we find something related, they will also let you know. Now I would suggest you go back to your home and let us get on with our job.” I was boiling on the inside. How dare he?! Peter held me back a bit. “Look,” he said to the police officer. “We just want to know if it is related, we haven't heard anything for weeks. I’m sure you understand?” Peter said calmly. The police officer took a deep breath, he looked as if he was deciding on what to do. “Look, like I said before I can’t give you any information. The only thing we know is that the dogs have sniffed out something that we’re checking out just now. I promise that if it is related to your case you will be notified.” Peter and I looked at each other.

“OK,” Peter said, nodding. “We understand…but is it alright if we stand here for a while.” “I would advice you not to but it’s up to you. As long as you don’t cross the yellow line…and keep her in check,” he said pointing at me. I felt like spitting at him but I held it together and just looked away. The police officer walked off and we stood still, trying to see what they were digging up. There were three men digging and a couple of dogs standing obediently by their sides. Then they stopped. One hopped down. He looked as if he had found something. I leant forward trying to get a better look. I saw an arm and then the top of a head as they seemed to be dragging out a body. A body with long dark hair… I loosened myself from Peter’s grip and ran under the yellow tape as fast as I could towards the body. I got halfway there before two police officers grabbed hold of me and held me down by force. I screamed. “Let me go, I need to see if it’s her! Let me go God damn it!” I screamed at them and flung my body all over like a wild animal trying to get away. Peter ran to me, he held my face with his hands. “It’s not Erin!” he yelled. “It’s not our girl!” His face filled with emotion, it looked like relief but also sadness. He looked defeated. I looked at him with big eyes as my body stopped struggling to get away. He held me tight as I started to weep. The relief from knowing that it wasn’t her was overwhelming. It wasn’t my baby. I had been so over pumped with adrenaline and strong emotion that I had to sit there with Peter for a while before getting up. My knees felt weak and I was shaking. The police officers backed away as I stopped struggling. The grass was wet from the light rain that had fallen for hours prior to that and my legs were feeling the chill of it through my jeans. The police officers were stressing us to leave as we weren’t allowed to be there. Peter helped me up, put an arm around me and then we walked back home slowly.

I felt empty and lost but also relieved as I walked in through our front door. My mobile was ringing as we walked in. I answered, it was mum.

“Hi mum,” I mumbled. “Alex darling, your father isn’t well. I think you need to come over,” she said. I could hear her trying to hold back the tears. “I’m on my way,” I answered automatically and hung up the phone. I looked over at Peter. He read me well. “Is it your dad?” he asked. I nodded. “Come on, lets go,” he said as he grabbed the car keys. I felt the back of my legs. “I just need to change first,” I said and walked into my bedroom to put on another pair of dry jeans. I looked to the windowsill and saw a picture of Erin sitting on my dad’s knee. It was a magical picture taken on Erin’s third birthday. She was wearing angel wings and smiling up at my dad like he was the only one in her world. They connected, they had a bond. It was as if they had known each other in a previous life. Sometimes when we visited them it was as if he was her best friend in the world. It kind of made you feel like a third wheel at times. I smiled sadly to myself as I recalled those times. Peter came in to see me holding the picture in my hands. “Why don’t you bring that along? I’m sure your dad would love to see it,” he said. “Yes, I think you’re right,” I said smiling ever so slightly, recalling the memory.

As we drove up and parked by the road next to my parents house I noticed Jason’s car there as well. Emma would probably also be there I guessed. Despite still living with my parents she was usually out a lot. Now however, I was sure that she was home more for dad’s sake. We walked up the stone path that had dark red and off-white roses amongst other new flowers on either side that I hadn’t seen before and I wondered if it was mum or dad that had taken it upon themselves to become the gardener of the house. I would’ve guessed dad because he usually tended to the back garden, making sure the grass was cut and the general tidiness

of it but he was ill so I wasn’t sure he had the strength these days. It looked lovely nonetheless. I knocked on the door with a slightly shaky hand and heard quick footsteps in the hallway. The door flew open, it was Emma. She looked a little stressed but other than that I couldn’t read her expression. She took a long hard look at me. “Jesus sis, you need to to eat,” she said. “I looked down at my body as if I’d missed something. But I knew I was thinning and I also knew I took no notice of my appearance either. I just didn’t care. I frowned and raised my eyebrows. “The sick look is the new high fashion, haven’t you heard,” I said looking at her and then we both laughed briefly. It was all just too much. Laugh over a silly thing or go under. It felt good to laugh with my sister, if only for a couple of seconds. It reminded me of the people I still had in my life whom I loved. She grabbed hold of me and gave me a huge hug. As she pulled away I could see in her eyes that she was just as messed up as I was. Under a sort of survival programming of the brain. We followed her through the hallway and up the stairs through to mum and dad’s bedroom. Jason was leaning by the door, he hugged me as I came in. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t have to, the look on his face said it all. My mum was sitting on a chair by the bed holding a tissue to her mouth as if not wanting her emotions to escape. My dad lay in the bed. He looked as if he was sleeping, I could see his slow breathing through an oxygen mask over his face. A middle-aged nurse with short dark hair and glasses was also there checking on his vitals. She didn’t look up, but looked busy with something and I thought it best not to disturb. My mum walked up and gave me a long hug, which was unusual for her. This was it, I thought, this was the final stage. I could feel it in the air as if it was written in block letters. “Dad,” I said as tears started to form in my eyes and I choked up. He blinked a little and turned to look at me. He had heard me. The corner of his mouth twitched a little, sending a half-smile my way. I ran to his side and took his hand with both of mine, holding it to my face. I had tried not to

cry, to hide it so that I wouldn’t upset him more, but I was feeling too overwhelmed. The glass was more than full to the brim, it was filled like ten times over. It was impossible to hold in the emotions I was feeling. “Were they that awful?” he asked, removing the mask from his face. I was confused by the question. “What?” I asked, sniffling away. “The pathway to the house, my new flower arrangement. I thought it was pretty good myself but if you are crying over it it can’t have been very good.” My tears turned a corner as I started laughing instead. Both emotions crashing in to one big heap of uncontrollable laughing with tears still streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop either. Emma ed in as did Peter, Jason and dad. We got a complete fit of the giggles. I laughed so hard my stomach started to ache. After a while I noticed mum over by her chair. She wasn’t laughing, she looked sad and serious as she looked down towards her feet. That made me gradually stop and then it all went quiet again. Leaving in its place, a heaviness lingering in the air. “I brought a picture for you,” I said, taking out the framed picture of Erin sitting on my dad’s knee. He reached out his tired hand and took it. He looked at it for a while, his eyes were filled with love and sadness. “I know you’ll get her back Alex. Don’t ask me how, I just know.” My mum clearly couldn’t handle it anymore. She stood up quickly and looked at us. “I’ll make us all some tea shall I?” she said. She didn’t wait for a reply, she simply stormed out of the room as if on a mission. Jason came up next to me. I looked up at my handsome older brother. He looked like dad. I had never really thought about it before but I saw it now. He had the same almond shaped deep brown eyes and the same look on his face when he was worried, like he was now. He looked at me and winked, like he was up to something.

“You know dad, I feel like I need to confess something,” he said. “Really, go on then. I’m all ears,” my dad answered, looking curious. “Well you know that time when I was fifteen and there was a big scratch mark on your car and I told you that it had been some punk kid walking past the house that had done it? Well…I had taken your car for a drive that day and I had accidentally bumped the car up against a wall…,” he said making an ‘I’m guilty face’. My dad chuckled. “I know,” he said. Jason looked confused. “You did.” “Of course I did,” my dad replied. “But how come you weren’t angry or punished me.” “I saw on your face that you were punishing yourself enough at that time as it was. The car is just a thing, and you can’t put too much value on things. Life is meant to be lived, not by materials but by experience. Sure, things can help you on the way but in the end it’s the experiences and the love you have that you value. So no, although it was my favourite car to date…my yellow Ford Thunderbird, she was a stunning piece of machinery, it is still just a thing.” My brother Jason looked rather relieved. “Well OK then, well said pops.” “And don’t worry, I won’t tell your mother,” he said winking at my brother. “Mind you. She hated the thing”, he continued, laughing.

Jason, being the great storyteller that he was, went on to tell us about a funny story about a customer that he’d had at the pub in a finer place in Edinburgh that he now owned. There was a toilet situation involved in the story and we were all laughing in the end. Talk about a nightmare coming true. Jason really had the knack for making any situation sound funny. It was a gift really.

Mum had come up with tea and biscuits. We all sat down around dad and started talking about other funny stories from our childhood. Peter sat by my side holding me, he flung in a couple of stories as well. Peter and Jason at parties was a match made in heaven. They had a similar sense of humour and together, they made a great entertainment team.

It didn’t feel like a sad evening. It felt more like we sat around a bonfire enjoying our lives as a family and talking about good memories. Dad was smiling all the time. The nurse had gone home, telling us that she would be back in the morning to check on him but to call if anything should happen. We all sat there having all but forgotten that dad was dying. It even felt as though Erin was there. In my mind she had already fallen asleep on Emma’s bed as she normally did when we were here later in the evenings. My mum had even smiled a couple of times at the memories we were providing. However, it was getting very late and my dad was starting to look increasingly sleepy. My mum had prompted us that we should maybe go home and come back in the morning, or if we wished to stay then that would be OK as well, but we had to let dad get some sleep. I didn’t feel like going home but we were always afraid to be away too long just in case Erin showed up. A fools thought really but nonetheless. Then again, I didn’t want to leave dad, I had no idea the amount of time he had left. I didn’t want to miss a moment with him. Peter and I talked about it for a while and then decided that Peter would go home and I would stay here in the guest bedroom.

I said good night to dad, kissing him on the forehead. “I love you dad,” I said but he had already fallen asleep. I walked Peter to the car. We hugged and I felt as though I didn’t want to let go. He was my strength now. I couldn’t have gone through any of this without him by my side. I wouldn’t have survived. “I love you,” I whispered to him. “I love you so much.” “I love you to,” he replied.

We kissed before we let go of each other and I walked back up to the house, turning to see Peter drive off and waving to me whilst giving me that half smile, showing his dimple that I loved so much. My mum had made my bed in the guest bedroom, which used to be my old bedroom. The sheets on the bed were my old sheets from when I was a teenager. The room was redecorated since then with new wallpaper, a soft green pleasant colour, and gone were all my countless drawings and paintings, apart from three that my mum had framed and put up neatly. One of them was of a stunning woman which come to think of it, looked a lot like the angel I had met, but also looked a little like me. The other was of the sea, twinkling away in the moonlight, and the third was a portrait I had made of dad. It resembled his character well. I had done it using soft pens and creating shadows. I got into bed and felt as if I was a child again. Mum came in with a glass of water that she put on the wooden bedside table and then she tucked me in. I didn’t mind being treated as a child. I welcomed it. I wanted to be looked after. I wanted to be small again and not have to deal with what life throws at you. Of course life throws you things as a child as well but when you are a child it is the adults that have to put on the brave faces. They have to pick up the pieces. I was too tired to pick up the pieces now. I wasn’t even sure I would ever be able to pick them up at all. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, not thinking of anything specific. Just praying over and over in my head. ‘Please God, please give me my girl back’, ‘please God, please give me my girl back’. Over and over until finally my eyelids grew heavy and I fell into a deep sleep.

Chapter 22 - Life Goes On

I woke up in my old bed having slept like a baby and for a moment I had forgotten about all the negative things going on. The familiar smell from my childhood hung in the air and the sun was shining through the window hitting the edge of the bed. It was a comforting and cosy home feeling. I checked my phone and noticed that I had a missed call from Lisa. She wanted to meet up. I stretched out my arms and legs followed by a big yawn and slowly sat up in my bed rubbing my face before texting back. I was kind of swamped with family issues and thought it was a little selfish of her to even ask but she was one of my best friends so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was important. I texted her back and told her that it was tricky just now because of dad and that I wasn’t sure if I was even up for it. She replied back that it was quite important and that it would mean a lot to her. I wanted to check on dad before giving her an answer so I got up slowly, wearing an old pair of pyjamas covered in red hearts that I used to wear for bed when I was a teenager, not the sexiest thing to wear in bed but certainly fitting at my parents house.

I was feeling a little heavy yet well slept as I walked through to my dad’s bedroom. The nurse was there. She looked concentrated as she checked his vitals. He seemed to be sleeping. “How is he doing?” I quietly asked. The nurse looked up. “As good as can be expected,” she replied. I took another look at dad. “I‘m going to pop out for a couple of hours at the most. If he wakes, can you tell him I’ll be back soon?” I asked.

“Of course. I’m sure he’ll be sleeping for most of the day anyway,” she said with a sympathetic look. I texted Lisa back and told her that I would meet up with her. She wanted Peter to be there as well and suggested a bar on the Grassmarket, a place where we had always enjoyed having a beer or a glass of wine in the past. There was a bar there called ‘The Last Drop’, where back in the day people who were going to be hung, got to drink their last pint of beer before being sent to the gallows. There was a lot of history there and you could almost feel it in the air. Not in a scary way, but you felt the past and present ed up somehow. We decided on lunch there, which would give me an hour or so to get ready. I called Peter before having a long shower, we decided that he would pick me up and we would head there together.

I had drank a half cup of strong coffee when I heard the doorbell. Mum had given me a hard time about not eating breakfast but I had insisted that I was going to eat a big lunch, she stopped nagging as I walked to the front door, opening it for Peter. We looked the same, him and I. Dark circles under the eyes and all together sad. I’m not even sure why Lisa would want to meet us both. We were so depressing to be with. Even I was sick of us. Mind you, I was sick of everything. Depression creeping in like a foul beast at the pit of my stomach. Peter had lost weight too. His jeans were loose. He had let his facial hair grow. I use to love his stubble, it made him look so sexy, but it was longer now and he hadn’t trimmed it or even washed his face. He was a shadow of the man I knew. Still, I loved him. There was only him. Always had been, even before I knew him, and always would be. Despite his new ragged look. We got in the car and drove to the Grassmarket. It was a sunny day. Some of the leaves on the trees were feeling autumn’s early touch and had started turning various colours of yellow and red. Erin would have noticed such beauty. I could hear her now. ‘Mummy, look at the trees’. She would talk non stop about the different colours and the way they played in the air. I smiled, just thinking about it.

We stepped into ‘The Last Drop’. It was a very traditional and cosy looking pub with dark wooden chairs and tables and arched tiled doorways. Lisa and Chris were waving at us from a round table in the corner. We walked over, probably not exuding happy energy from the look on Lisa’s face. She was shining from head to toe as if the whole world was a playground, but when she saw us coming up she frowned as if not understanding what the problem was. We sat down after being more squeezed than hugged by Lisa and then Chris, even he looked different somehow. His eyes bigger and full of excitement. I felt almost annoyed at this, which inevitably made me feel selfish and then I felt even worse, as if that was even possible. “Let’s order!” Lisa announced. We had a look at the menu. I knew I had to eat but wasn’t wanting anything. Chris ordered a hamburger and a pint of beer. I decided on the same, not really caring much. We got our drinks and took a few sips. I felt slightly dizzy almost immediately. I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol to drink these last few months and because I wasn’t eating much I couldn’t handle much either. I put down my glass and decided on a slow approach. Lisa looked at me with the biggest smile. “So,” she said taking Chris’s hand. “We have something to ask you.” Peter and I looked at each other baffled. Were they getting married? They waited a few seconds, probably wanting to gain anticipation, but sadly, neither I nor Peter had much of that these days. They looked at each other and then back at us. “We’re having a baby,” Lisa said and bit her lip whilst smiling, “I’m pregnant!” I stopped breathing. First it seemed as though time had stopped. Then slowly, as if a tap being slightly nudged and then streaming quickly, a stampede of emotions came through and I smiled. I smiled for Lisa and Chris. I smiled from the thought of a little baby and the best moment of my life, when Erin was born. I also cried. My cheeks were wet. I mourned my

child beyond measure, but I was also happy for them. I got up and hugged them both. I hugged Lisa as tears were streaming down my face. “Awh honey, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you,” Lisa kindly whispered over my shoulder as she held me. “Happy tears my friend. Happy tears for your new family,” I whispered back. This was a true friendship. Lisa really did feel like family to me. We sat down again. Peter put his arm around me and I leaned into him in need of his and him of mine. Chris looked up at us. “We’d like you to be the godparents,” he said. I looked up at Peter. How could we possibly be good godparents? We were broken. We would never be whole again. Was it even possible for us to spread joy? “Look,” Chris said. “We know this is so hard for you. We know you are suffering more than we could possibly imagine right now, but you are also the best people we know. You two know love, you know how important it is in life to love and we’ve seen you together for years now. The way you are with each other, the way you are with Erin.” He took a breath. “We can’t pretend like we know if she is coming home or where she is. We will never stop fighting for her return I can promise you that…but life goes on…no matter what happens. We can’t think of anyone we would rather have around our kids.” He paused for a second and I could see that he was thinking of some kind of joke. “We even considered giving the child to you guys. I mean Alex come on, when have you ever imagined me as a dad,” he said and sniggered. I smiled a little knowing his sense of humour all to well. “You’ll be a great dad Chris, I have no doubt. If anyone’s gonna forget baby things you know it’ll be Lisa anyway,” I said and we burst out laughing. “Hey!” Lisa said offensively before she too started to giggle. “I’m kidding with you my friend. You’ll be the best mum ever. Your baby is going to be the best dressed smooth talker in town with a heart of gold with you pair as its parents.”

Lisa smiled. “Darling, that kid will look amazing,” she said putting on a fake camp-designer voice. It was an honour being asked to be godparents. In all the darkness there was a tiny speck of light. They were having a little baby, a new life. Chris was right. Life does go on whether you want it to or not.

We ate our lunch. I managed about half before feeling totally stuffed. We talked about baby names and how Chris and Lisa’s parents had taken the news. Apparently they had all been happy to hear about the pregnancy but Lisa’s dad had been a little stressed out that Chris was the father, saying that he couldn’t be trusted and being very honest about it. “I have some work to do there. Her dad seems immune to my superpower charms,” Chris said, looking alarmingly baffled which made me chuckle.

“I’ve got to get back to dad,” I said once everyone looked like they were done with their lunch. Lisa nodded in agreement. “How is he doing?” she asked warmly. I just shook my head. “Come here,” she said and gave me a big warm hug. I felt tearful as soon as the subject had arisen but held it together. “Erin?” she asked. I looked at her and understood the question, like a harsh reality-check. “No…nothing? I said making myself busy by fiddling with my napkin all of a sudden, not being able to bare the question. Whilst we had been sitting there I had almost pretended that Erin was at a

friends house playing. In all the baby talk I had imagined our kids playing together. Erin wanting to look after the new born tenderly and wanting to tend to his or her needs and then getting annoyed at the baby when it grew and became a toddler that drooled all over Erin’s toys. But it was a dream, and reality was kicking back in.

We arrived at my parents house and Peter came with me. We walked straight up to dad’s room. He was awake. My mum was beside him reading a newspaper. “Dad?” I announced. He looked up in delight. “Darling, how are you? he asked. My mother sat beside him, she smiled a little, a rare occasion. I ran over and hugged him. “How are Lisa and Chris?” he asked. “They are well,” I said sitting down on a chair by the bed. “They are having a baby.” “Oh isn’t that lovely!” he said smiling as if he was in no pain whatsoever. “You seem well,” I said in confusion. “I feel fine darling. A little tired, that’s all.” “I’ll make us all a cup of tea,” my mother said. “Alex, would you help me downstairs please.” I nodded and followed her whilst Peter sat down next to dad. I heard them talking about football as I walked out of the room. “Dad seems surprisingly well,” I said feeling slightly relieved. “He’s on strong medication dear,” she said looking forlorn. “At least he’s

not in so much pain anymore, although he is hallucinating…It’s one of the side effects. They want to make it as comfortable as they can for him until…” She choked on her last word and covered her mouth. I ran over and hugged her, she let me and her tears fell on my shoulder. She let herself be vulnerable for a minute before straightening up and clearing her throat. “Sorry dear, it’s just a little hard. I don’t mean to put that on you.” “Don’t be silly mum. I am the one you can and should put it on. I am here for you.” I paused and looked down. “We have to be there for each other now. I don’t know how else we can survive this.” She put her palm on my cheek. “Always,” she said. We stood in silence while she made tea and took out some biscuits. “What do you mean by hallucinating?” I asked as I took one of the trays with biscuits and napkins. “He keeps talking to what he thinks is Erin.” I stopped in my tracks. “What do you mean? What do they talk about?” I asked staring at her. “Well, this and that. He seems to be happy about it. He laughs a lot. I only noticed it today an hour or so after you had left.” I felt puzzled. Could it be anything more than hallucinations? Like my dreams of her. Was she somehow reaching out to him? We walked up to the room and everyone got a cup of tea. Peter looked up at me with a fake, worrying smile. “So according to your dad here, aliens are running the country.” “Well they are!” my dad burst out. “Can’t you see it. It’s pretty obvious if you think about it…Wouldn’t you agree Erin,” he said looking at me.

And there was my answer. He really was making it up in his own head. It almost made me want to take whatever drug he was on. An escape from reality would be welcoming right about now and it seemed my dreams weren’t doing their usual magic. We sat there for a good three hours. Dad was starting to look very tired. He had gone on mumbling about other fun things like the opera singer that sang too loudly outside his bedroom window. It was strange seeing my dad like that. He was talking nonsense but he seemed so happy. I couldn’t quite figure out if I felt sorry for him or if it didn’t really matter what was in someone’s head as long as they were happy. We got up and got ready to leave. Mum had told us to go home. There was nothing but waiting here to be done anyway and we couldn’t check on him when we were sleeping she had said. So it was best for us to head home. Get some sleep and come back in the morning. I kissed dad on the forehead and looked at his sleepy eyes. “Bye dad, see you tomorrow,” I said. “Come closer,” he whispered. I leaned in closer to him. “Erin is alive.” It broke my heart but I had to go with the story in order not to break his. “Mum told me you had spoken to her.” “Yes… Yes I have,” he said and winked at me as if he was up to something. I stood still, hovering over dad for a couple of seconds before dragging myself away and seriously considering getting hold of those drugs.

We got back to our messy home. After being away from it for a day I noticed how filthy we had let it get. Had it been a few months earlier I would have felt ashamed. Now I didn’t feel too bothered. However, I needed to get my mind off things so I told Peter I was going to clean the flat. He ed in, also wanting to distract himself with something. We didn’t stop until we had cleaned every little nook and cranny in the flat. It took us a

good three hours before we were done but it looked back to normal now. I tidied Erin’s room as well but only by dusting it. I didn’t want to change anything. The bed wasn’t made and there lay a few teddies and dolls around the room. I could still feel her energy in the air. I was scared that if I cleaned and tidied it too much then her energy would vanish. Normally we would clean and tidy every Friday after work so that when Saturday morning came we got up to a clean and fresh home and we could focus on other fun things rather than having to start the day by cleaning and tidying the flat. Not that we were bothered about that now. We popped on the TV and didn’t say much after we were done. I didn’t have the same satisfied feeling I normally got when all the cleaning was done, for obvious reasons.

We sat like zombies on the couch for some time and it dawned on me that this was my new life. It wasn’t a matter of living anymore. It was a matter of surviving. One day I would on. I yearned for that day, horrible as that must sound but I did. I wanted to see Erin again. I loved Peter and I didn’t want to leave him though. But I was convinced I would see her again when it was my time to over. I just had to get through life first. However hard, I would get there. She had been worth the wait before I gave birth to her. Peter had been worth the wait before I met him. Now we would wait together. Go through the pain together. I couldn’t do it without him. I looked over at his sad but still handsome face. “Will you hold me tonight?” I asked. “Always… I will always hold you.”

Chapter 23 - Fade Away

It was dark. I thought my eyes were open but how could they be when there was absolutely no indication of light. Even on the darkest of days there was always a sliver of light, perhaps from the moon or a street lamp, but now there was nothing. Was I in a forest perhaps? Maybe I was far away from civilisation with a thick layer of clouds above my head that was making it seem pitch black? I couldn’t hear anything either, not even the sound of wind or the flow of a lake or river. The hairs on my arms stood up and I shivered. Where was I? I felt bare, like I was wearing a very thin layered dress, leaving me feeling slightly exposed, but to whom, to what? I was alone, or at least I thought I was. My feet were cold and bare. The ground was hard and flat. My heart started beating faster my breath became shallow. I had no idea where I was and it was frightening me. I heard a mechanical click as if something opened which made me turn and look around, searching for the source of the sound and saw soft light beginning to show, squeezing in-between hard surfaces. I seemed to be surrounded by walls and a roof that was expanding. The sliver of light hit my eyes and I blinked. I looked up and saw the walls turning into huge squares. The light was coming from behind them. Pictures and sounds began to show up on screens. It was all around me. I couldn’t see it very clearly at first. It was making me feel dizzy as I attempted to take it all in. A small box floated past me as if in slow motion. I put my hand out to grab it. It was fairly warm to the touch and felt familiar. It was like an old picture frame. I gazed upon the square. Erin showed up on it, surrounding the whole cube. She was about two months old. I smiled warmly, ing her as a baby. Then she started to cry. I ed this memory well. She wouldn’t stop crying. I was breastfeeding her at the time but she wasn’t putting on weight, even though I was feeding her several times a day. Peter and I were so worried. We took her to the doctors and they told us that my milk wasn’t thick enough and that we should start giving her formula milk for half of her feedings. As soon as her wee belly got filled she was shining like the sun again.

She was smiling up at me from the picture now but the picture was fading. Then it was as if someone hit an off switch. The cube shut down and felt cold and hard, dissolving in my hand into dust. I frowned and felt a little scared at the sudden change. A few other cubes were now flying around me and I noticed that they were all memories of Erin. I reached for another one and nearly slipped, I gasped loudly as I looked down into the darkness. I hadn’t noticed that I was standing on a tall pillar and would fall for even the slightest miss-step. I looked over the edge to see if there was some form of ground down below but I couldn’t see an end to it, it made me feel dizzy. I took a small step back, closed my eyes and inhaled a couple of deep breaths. After a couple of seconds I opened my eyes and looked at the cube that I was holding. Erin was three years old in this picture. Peter and I were in it as well. Erin was sitting on Peter’s lap looking curious. She was asking Peter about space. “Where does it end?” she had asked. Peter, not knowing the answer had replied “Well how big is your imagination?” Erin looked thoughtful. “Big,” she concluded and nodded her head as if agreeing with herself. “Yeah, space is like your imagination. You don’t know where it ends or even if it ends,” he said smiling at her. I felt myself getting emotional. There was such warmth in these memories, yet everything around me was cold and dark. The cube in my hand did the same as the first, the picture faded quickly and then it dissolved to dust whilst the wind blew it away from me, unable to hold on to a single grain of it. I tried grabbing hold of one of the other cubes flying around but they were just a little far out of reach, just at the end of my outstretched fingers. The big screens on the walls were lighting up with different memories. I heard words here and there. It felt beyond frustrating not being able to reach the memories. One by one they kept fading. Slowly at first and then faster and faster. I panicked. Where were all the memories going? It grew

windier as the process sped up. “Help!” I yelled loudly into the vast space I was now in. “Please help me,” I begged. There were only three pictures on the walls now still showing little film clips of memories with Erin. One of them was of Erin drawing a picture at preschool. She was drawing what looked like stars and planets. One of the planets had a little character that I recognised. It was from the planet Erin and I had visited. As I looked at the little character waving she began to fade. My eyes quickly shot to the second to last memory. Erin was about four in this one. She gently held a dead looking white Lily in the palm of her hand. She had noticed that I was coming up to her. She held her finger to her lips. “Ssh, she’s sleeping now,” she said quietly and put the white Lily down by a babbling brook in the forest where we were walking. My heart thought it was going to explode with pride for my child. Standing watching these memories was like having an out of body experience. Whilst I was watching the films it was like I was there but I couldn’t touch it. That memory too now started to fade and like switching off a light switch it was black as night. I looked at the last and final huge cube of light on the giant wall in front of me, unable to swallow, unable to blink. All else was black and cold. It was as if time had paused. The wind had stopped. The light of the final picture reached the tip of my toes and I realised there was a floor at my feet where only moments ago there had been a dark vast space. I walked towards the screen that appeared to grow slightly bigger. It was as if there was another reality on the other side of that screen. I saw myself putting Erin to bed. I recognised that memory because I had thought of it a million times over the last couple of months. It was the last time I saw her. In the memory I hugged her goodnight and she held my hand hard. She didn’t want me to go. I sang to her then. It was her favourite lullaby ‘Dream a little dream’ by Ella Fitzgerald.

Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you" Birds singing in the sycamore trees Dream a little dream of me…

I was singing the song softly until her eyelids grew heavy. Then I gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered ‘I love you’, I stood up and got ready to leave the room. I stood there in front of the big scream looking at myself in horror. “Stop! Turn around you daft cow. Stop! Where are you going? Don’t leave her!!” I shouted at the screen. The me that was on the screen didn’t seem to hear me. She was just walking out of the room with a smile on her face like everything was going to be lovely and rosy. It angered me to such a degree that I ran up to the screen hitting it hard with my fists. “Do you hear me you idiot, don’t leave her.” I saw myself walking out and leaving my little girl alone in her bedroom. I looked over at Erin lying peacefully in her bed. “I’m so sorry my angel,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry…” I saw her fading on the screen, as if she had only been an illusion. The most amazing illusion of my life. Now gone. Gone forever… I fell to my knees and put my hands on my face. Tears flowing like a river from my eyes. I just wanted to die. Maybe if I died I would see her again? I couldn’t bare the pain. My thin dress was wet from all the tears I shed. I sat there until I didn’t have any tears left in my body. I felt as if I had cried out my soul and all that was left now was a shell. I lifted my head slightly and saw to my surprise, Erin in her bedroom again. She was playing with my dad. Another memory I presumed. They both looked up at the same time and waved to me. I frowned in surprise.

“Can you see me?” I asked. They didn’t respond and I thought that perhaps it was just like a recorded video. I waved back nonetheless, not wanting them to disappear. The screen moved away from me now and quickly. Far into the distance it flew and then it was gone. I barely had time to react. I sat there staring. I don’t think I had ever felt so alone in my life. I laid down in the dark and felt myself unable to stay awake. As if someone had drugged me I fell into a sleep. A sleep so deep I hoped it would take me away from everything. Maybe I was dying? Maybe I hoped I was…

Chapter 24 - Home

I woke up, softly resting on Peter’s arm. He had held me all night. I ed the dream I’d had but it seemed like it was long ago somehow. I must have slept heavily after it. Still, I ed it in detail. It felt as if Erin was gone for good now. I stared up at our white sealing with no particular thoughts going through my head. I was empty, totally empty on the inside. I heard a sound in the apartment, like a thump. It made me jump. I listened carefully. It went quiet. It must have been the neighbours. As I lay back in bed my mind started to wander and I thought I heard Erin’s laughter, the most delightful sound in the world. A memory of the dream I’d had perhaps? I prayed I would never forget the sound of it. Then there was another noise, like someone walking in the flat. “Peter,” I whispered while shaking him slightly to wake him. “Peter, wake up. I think someone is in here.” Normally, the thought of some burglar coming into our home would be terrifying, but I felt like I had nothing to lose. I didn’t want the intruder touching any of Erin’s things anyway. It angered me more than anything. How dare they come into my home and even look at her things? Now I was mad… I got up, getting myself ready to take on whatever idiot that was in my way. They were going to be sorry that they dared enter this flat. I hadn’t managed to wake Peter yet, I didn’t want to be too loud and he was just stirring slightly so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I put one foot in front of the other quietly on our dark grey carpet, not wanting to make any noise. I heard more movement. There was definitely someone else in here. I got close to our bedroom door, grabbed a little metal statue on our bureau of a man and woman embracing each other, to use as a weapon and put my hand gently on the brass handle of the door. I gathered my fighting courage, took a deep breath and pulled the door open quickly. Then I stared. My eyes widened, I was staring ahead. My jaw dropped

and everything seemed to go in slow motion. Was I dreaming now? Everything seemed so realistic. In the hallway stood Erin. She was standing in her purple pyjamas hugging her favourite teddy and singing softly. “Erin?” I said so softly that she didn’t hear me. But then she looked up and when she saw me she smiled the widest smile. “Mummy!” she yelped and ran towards me. My knees gave in and I fell to the ground. She hugged me hard. I didn’t understand what was happening at first. My body didn’t seem to be functioning correctly, but little by little it was coming to me. I hugged her back but had little strength, I think that I was in a state of shock. I started laughing, not a normal laugh but a nervous sort of laugh as tears had started to spill from my eyes. It was like an over burst of emotions, happy emotions that had come from a place long forgotten. I grabbed hold of her pulling her away so that I could see her face. Could it really be my girl? “Erin?” I said once more. This time loud enough for Peter to hear me. I heard him sit up and I knew the very moment he saw Erin in my arms. Quick as lightning he was at our side and bless him, he had the exact same reaction as I’d had a moment earlier. We hugged her and couldn’t stop staring or laughing or crying. After a few minutes Erin seemed to grow tired of the whole show. “You guys are acting so weird,” she said rolling her eyes and walking away to her bedroom. Peter and I looked at each other. We couldn’t believe what we had witnessed. We quickly followed our girl, not wanting to lose sight of her. She had taken out some papers and pens and was sitting on her bedroom floor, drawing. We walked up and sat down next to her. My hands were shaking. Peter took one of my hands to help calm me but his loving gaze was upon Erin. I too looked at our little girl and felt happy, confused and some other emotion I couldn’t place. It took a few minutes for my shakes to give in. I still felt weak to the knees so I was appreciating sitting down. “Erin, where were you?” I asked. “What do you mean mummy? You saw where I was,” she said and then

looked up at me. “I was with the angels in the dreamscape. Don’t you ?” she asked. I looked at her in disbelief. Had this really been like with me and Peter in the dreamworld? But Peter’s physical body had been here. Erin hadn’t been here at all. I couldn’t figure it out. “But how did you get back,” I continued. “Grandad,” she said. “Grandad?” I repeated like a question. “Yes, grandad. I was going to move to the light but grandad came and said that he would go instead. He said I could come later when I had lived longer and he also said that you were too sad so I had to go back. Then the angels took me back here,” she said like it was nothing. Peter and I looked at each other again. Trying to digest what our daughter was saying. “Do you mean that grandad is in the light now?” I asked. “Yes.” “I’ll be right back,” I told Peter as I got up and walked through to the living-room and got hold of my mobile. I dialled ‘mum’. I was breathing shallow breaths. I had guessed what had happened but I needed to know for sure. “Hello,” it was Emma. I could tell by her tone that something had happened. “Hi, it’s Alex.” “Alex….” I heard sobs at the other end of the phone. “It’s dad…he’s…he’s gone,” she said sobbing. “You have to come.”

I felt my eyes burn but was in such a confused state over what had happened with Erin being back and my dad gone that I didn’t know what to say. “Alex, can you hear me?” she asked sounding a little angry. “Erin is here.” There was silence on the other end. “I don’t know how,” I continued. “What? Erin? Are you messing with me?” “No,” I said sharply. “Why would I do that?” “But how? Oh my God…oh my God…MUM,” she yelled in my ear. “Mum!! It’s Erin, she’s back!” I heard quick footsteps, then mum was at my ear. I could hear how much she had been crying with her thick voice. “Our Erin? Is she really back??” she said. I walked back to Erin’s bedroom and yes, she was there. Peter was helping her colour her book. Peter looked up at me and there I saw the light in his eyes, the light that had been missing these last couple of months. “Yes mum, Erin is home.”

Chapter 25 - The Funeral

A few days had ed of intense questioning from the police. They couldn’t figure it out. A girl goes missing with no sign of getting out or back in, who has no injuries whatsoever. It was quite the opposite, she was very healthy. All vital signs were perfect. They kept asking where she had been and she had kept giving them the same story. Even going into detail, of which I ed as well. The investigators just scratched their heads. “It’s like she just disappeared,” the police officer said looking perplexed. They had questioned us multiple times accusing us at one point. Saying that we must have staged it, making money out of our daughter somehow. I was furious of the accusation of course, but it was short-lived as there was no evidence ing it. They brought in a child psychologist who sat down with Erin. She believed that Erin might have been part of something traumatic that sent her into a much nicer fantasy world in order to protect herself from what had really happened. But she wasn’t harmed in any way. We had been to the hospital to have her checked out and nothing indicated any form of abuse. She was the happy, positive girl that she had always been. After all the questioning and checkups had been done it calmed down quickly as if a storm had ed and I for one was thrilled to have it behind me. I knew my daughter. I believed in every word she said. She was healthy, happy and back in our lives. What more could I want? We hadn’t been back to our jobs yet. Money was scarce but we had each other and we wanted to spend every waking hour together for a while before we went on with our lives as normal again… If there was such a thing. I had no idea how I was ever going to let Erin out of my sight again. Just leaving her at pre-school terrified me. I was scared to blink at times. Peter and I had both been given the opportunity to see a psychologist and I was going to take them up on the offer. I had to learn to tackle my fear of losing her, if I was ever going to live a half normal life again.

Erin had drawn and painted pretty much non-stop since she had come home from her adventure in the dreamscape, which is what she called it. Even when she had spoken to the psychologist and she had been asked to draw what she had seen, she had called it her dreamscape. Where the angels live.

“For whatever reason, your daughter is well. This is a good thing. However. I would advice that we set up a meeting once a week to begin with and see how it goes,” Anne the psychologist said and looked away. She looked concerned. “Her fantasy is taking over her real world. This could just be a temporary side effect of what really happened. However, we will have to keep an eye on it. If it escalates and gets worse we might need to take some action.” “Some action?” I repeated with a frown. “What do you mean?” “Mrs Wallace-Walker, there are treatments that can help with mental illness. Some medicines are very good and could help Erin see the world in front of her rather than escaping to a place that isn’t real.” I felt anger creeping up and got ready to speak out but it was Peter who spoke first. “Our daughter does not have a mental illness. She has a fantastic mind that people like you belittle in order to make sense of your own reality. She will not need to see you or any other psychologist in the near future thank you,” he said with a very decisive tone which made me so unbelievably attracted to him that I had to contain myself. I looked at the man in my life. The man I couldn’t live without. He had grown. There was an edge to him now that I hadn’t seen before. It made me feel protected somehow. I was hoping that he hadn’t been too bruised from the past few months. We both had a lot to work on. This wasn’t over, emotionally, but we would get through it together. We had our girl back, our united heart and we would enjoy every second of it. All our family and friends had been around to see Erin of course. She was

smothered with hugs and kisses. She didn’t quite understand it. In her mind she had only been on a sort of vacation and had lots of fun. She didn’t understand what all the fuss was about but she liked the attention she was getting nonetheless. She got more confused as my mum was crying floods. “Grandma?” Erin had said whilst putting a hand on her shoulder as she sat on our couch. “Why are you crying?” My mum had looked at Erin with a sad smile. “Well I’m so unbelievably happy to see you,” She said and hugged her. “But I also miss your granddad terribly.” Erin thought for a while. “Grandma,” she said, grabbing my mother’s attention again. “He told me to tell you that he’ll still be right here, always close to you. He said he’ll be in the morning light when the sun rises and in the plants he grew for you in the garden. He’ll be in a song on the radio and in a friendly smile from a stranger.” I looked at my daughter with such pride and tears formed in my eyes. Not out of sadness but out of love. Love for my daughter and love for my dad. My mum looked at Erin with a hand on her heart. “Oh child…that was beautiful,” she said and hugged Erin again.

Dad’s funeral took place in a small church on the outskirts of Edinburgh. It was a part of Edinburgh where he had always enjoyed taking walks and going to the local pub. It was where my mum and dad got married. Peter and I had also been married there. It brought back loving memories. Our wedding had been quite small with only the closest of family and friends but it had been incredibly romantic. Erin had been one year old at the time and I had bought the cutest little peach dress for her. She had stained it almost straight away of course but I didn’t mind. I had worn a stunning off shoulder dress with long sleeves made of lace. The silky touch of fabric had fallen perfectly over my body, complimenting it into a perfect hour glass shape. I had felt like a princess at the time and if I could have I would have

worn that dress everyday since. I had worn my hair down, having held a few bits of hair up in braids and added flowers. Peter had been unbelievably handsome wearing a suit that made him look like the new James Bond. It had been the loveliest day and I would never forget it.

The leaves had all started to turn different shades of yellow, red and brown now and the trees circled around the church like a beautiful frame. Behind it you could see one of Edinburgh’s seven surrounding hills. It was slightly cloudy with a few rays of sun peeking out from behind the clouds from time to time. There was a slight breeze but not as windy as Scotland could be on a typical early autumn day. My dad’s closest friends were there and a few people he had worked with over the years. His two younger sisters were there with their husbands. I had greeted them all outside the church before walking up the church isle with Peter and Erin right behind me. I sat down next to Jason, Emma and my mum. My mum’s eyes looked tired and sad. I had agreed to hold a speech during the funeral. My mum didn’t think she could keep it together and both Jason and Emma were happy to have me do it. “Welcome,” the priest said with a kind and sympathetic voice. “We are going to start today’s mass by singing hymn one-hundred-and-thirty.” There was a rustling as everyone opened up their hymn books. The organist started playing and we sang. I sang too, but with a lump in my throat. I wanted to keep it together for the speech but I was already falling apart. “Let us commend William Fredrik Walker to the mercy of God,” the priest said and then he lowered his head. “Let us pray.” We all started reciting a well known prayer…

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our treses, as we forgive those who tres against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

The priest looked at me and smiled kindly. “Alexandra would like to say a few words now,” he said and gestured for me to come up to the lectern wooden stand that was situated at the front of the church. I got up and walked slowly to the stand. I looked out at all the people wearing black. Some were in tears and others had sympathetic looks. A few younger kids were there. They didn’t seem too bothered, they looked like they were itching to go out and play. Their parents slightly embarrassed by their behaviour and trying to control what shouldn’t be controlled. The kids knew how to live, how to be happy. Maybe we should have followed their example, I thought as I felt a knot in my stomach. Don’t cry…don’t cry, I told myself before taking a deep breath, getting ready to give my speech. “Thank you all for coming today,” I started. “You all knew my dad. You knew that he was a good man, a good person and a good spirit. He had such empathy. He always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, never judging anyone too quickly. ‘Everyone has their story’, he used to say. He made me a better person for it. I hear him in my head whenever I start getting judgmental. He keeps me in line, despite the fact that he is not here physically any longer,” I said smiling as a few people chuckled lovingly, knowing him well. That spurred on my tears. I couldn’t stop them, but I

continued talking despite my thick throat. “He was the best dad, the best husband to my mum, the best granddad to my daughter Erin,” I said as I looked to my family and they quietly nodded their heads in agreement. “He saved me,” I said as everyone sat in silence. I started to cry more. “He saved my girl. I can’t explain to you how, but he did.” A few people looked a little confused, I suppose they probably thought I’d lost it but gave me sympathy votes and let it lye. “Thank you dad,” I said as I looked up as if to heaven. “Thank you… I’d like to finish off this speech with a few words my darling daughter said to my mother the other day. My dad, your husband, your granddad, your brother, your father in law…and your friend,” I said as I looked to my mum, Erin, my aunties, Peter and the other people in the church. “He may not be here physically…but he’ll be in the morning light when the sun rises…and in the plants he grew for my mother in the garden. He’ll be in a song on the radio…and in a friendly smile from a stranger. He lives on in our thoughts and in our hearts… .” Peter came up and put his arm around me, helping me back to the church bench. I was crying heavily now. My mum handed me a tissue. I looked inside her bag and saw that she had stocked up. It was well needed. The priest stood up. “And now Emma will sing for us,” he said still smiling warmly. Emma looked at me, she had been quite nervous about singing. I looked at her big eyes and smiled through my tears. “You’ll be great, just imagine you’re singing to dad,” I said and hugged her. She let go and nodded before she got up and walked up to the stand. The organist had sat down by the piano now. She started the intro and Emma began singing. It was ‘Angel’ by ‘Sarah McLachlan’. You could tell that she was a little nervous but it was so authentic and sweet. I felt so proud of her and I knew that dad was watching. I just knew it, and I knew he was smiling with pride.

The priest went on to say some more prayers after that and another hymn before it was time to carry out the coffin. The sun had come out as we walked to the place where the coffin was to be lowered into the ground. I had my arm around mum, knowing how hard it was for her, how hard it was for all of us. The priest spoke a few last words. “We therefore commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.” We stood there for some time after that. Little by little friends and family started to leave for the reception we were having at a nearby venue. “Mum, we have to go now, they’ll be waiting for us at the reception,” I said but got no answer. “It’s not him there anymore. His soul is in a better place now and if he is here you know for sure he’ll be hanging around at the reception with his friends and family,” I said winking at her. She looked up at me with glazed-over eyes. “You’re right dear… He would definitely be there. Let’s go,” she said. We started walking away but she made one last turn and said aloud; “I love you William.”

We got to the reception. Erin was outside looking at something and Peter was just by the front door keeping an eye on her and making sure the guests knew where to hang their coats. I hugged him and felt utterly grateful for having him in my life. I would have to be there for my mum now. My dad had been the love of her life and now she was alone in a big house. I wasn’t sure how she was going to manage. I let go of Peter and walked over to Erin. “Hey sweetie, what are you doing?” I asked. “Just talking to the fairy,” she answered. “The what?” I asked, looking around.

“The fairy,” she said pointing. I looked at where she was pointing and saw a butterfly. My eyes focused on the gorgeous purple butterfly when I gasped. I was stunned and had to blink a few times. Was that a human body with wings? It flew away quick as a whip and left me startled. This was the real world. There were no magical dream creatures here…or were there?

- The End -

LUCID DREAMS

Lucid Dreams

Freud (1900) considered dreams to be the royal road to the unconscious as it is in dreams that the ego's defenses are lowered so that some of the repressed material comes through to awareness, in distorted form. Dreams perform important functions for the unconscious mind and serve as valuable clues to how the unconscious mind operates. (wikipedia)

Lucid dreaming explained

A lucid dream is a dream during sleep where you become aware that you are dreaming. Once in a lucid dream you have the power to do, be or see anything or anyone! You can begin to explore your dreamworld with total clarity. Everything you see, hear, touch, taste and smell can be as authentic as reality. (When I myself have a lucid dream it sometimes feels so ’real’ that I almost doubt if I am really dreaming or not. My dream check is to fly. Then I know for sure. But everyone can have their own dream check. If you’ve seen the movie Inception you will know what I mean.) You can fulfil any fantasy. Fly over mountains or oceans, have sex dreams, perform in front an audience, time travel, visit other planets and so on. Your lucid dreaming can be as big as your imagination!

You can overcome personal psychological issues. In the safety of the lucid dream environment you can face your fears, phobias, anxieties, nightmares, past traumas and recurring dreams. (This takes time however. I personally can never seem to understand that I am dreaming whilst I am having a nightmare. This is something I want to get better at and like anything else, practice is key!) You can solve problems, create music or other artwork. The list goes on!

Anyone can lucid dream. Research suggests that about half of the worlds population have at some point had a lucid dream, however, only a small percentage do it on a regular basis.

Learn how to lucid dream

I have tried a few different theories over the last few years and even though I haven’t done it on a regular basis it has definitely worked!

Write ’Am I dreaming’ on your hand. Every-time you look at your hand, ask yourself that question. Look around. Does everything seem normal to you? You may seem foolish in the beginning but no one knows what you are thinking, trust me. This question will soon creep into your subconscious mind and you will start asking the question when you are dreaming. Ask the question at certain times during the day. You might find it embarrassing to write it on your hand. Decide on a specific task you do several times a day and every time you do that task, ie. go to the bathroom, make a cup of coffee or looking at the time, you ask yourself ’am I dreaming’? Again, you look around. Is all as it should be? Look at the clock twice! Every time you look at the clock, look once more! If

you are dreaming, the clock will almost certainly show a different time the second time you look. The first time might say 14:23 and the second could say 08:15. More often than not there is a significant difference there. Bedtime affirmations. When you go to bed. Make yourself comfortable. Put on some nice relaxing music if you want to. I find that I drift off much easier with low relaxing music or sounds of nature. Tell yourself several times ’I will be aware that I am dreaming’.

How to stay lucid

I have read a few tips on this. I find it hard myself to stay in a lucid dream. Once in a lucid dream I sometimes get too distracted and forget what it was that I was meant to do. However, when I have ed, it works! Which I keep getting better at so like I mentioned before, practice is key!

Rub your hands together. Once when I did this I felt like I was lucid for ages. Neat little trick! Keep reminding yourself that you are dreaming. Do reality (dream) checks. Like looking at the clock twice or lifting off the ground. Your pick really.

What are lucid dreams?

Some say that it is astral projection into where the fourth dimension is. A theory suggests that the fourth dimension is where you manifest instantly.

This can both be amazing and scary. Imagine anything you’re thinking of coming to life instantly. Love, money, beautiful landscapes - yes please! Monsters, war, depression - No thank you! Being aware of your thoughts is important in our world too! How you feel is determined by your thoughts, so go easy on the negative vibes and stay positive so that you can stay healthy and happy!

Some critics think that lucid dreaming is just a dream where we are slightly more aware or waking up but that it doesn’t mean anything else other than psychological aspects of our subconscious mind that we may have repressed.

One can never know for sure, or at least not yet, however, a lucid dream is an opportunity! It’s a place where you can process different fears or fantasies. If you have a reoccurring nightmare you can face it, knowing that you are not in any actual danger. If you face your fear the fear itself tends to go away and or replace itself with something nice. If a bear is chasing you for example, and you face the bear head on, it could possibly come up and hug you rather than kill you. You can prepare for things. Let’s say that you are holding a speech or singing at your daughters, sister’s, brother’s or friends wedding and you are feeling nervous about it. You can set up this scenario in your lucid dream and practice. Since the lucid dream seems so real you can rehearse as much as you like. In your wake-state you will have tricked your mind into thinking that you have already done it, your body will respond by being prepared in a much calmer way since in your mind, you have already done it and it went well! This is also a good technique you can use just by meditating and visualising that you are on the stage or in front of the people you are going to meet and seeing it all go well and ing the feeling of it.

Loads of love and sweet dreams <3 / Heidi

About the Author

Heidi Hallifax has been a writer most of her life, although her writing has been mainly through song lyrics. She has always loved creating and expressing herself through words and music. Born in Sweden, with an English father and a Swedish mother. When she was 19 year old she moved to Edinburgh, Scotland to study modern musicianship. She had her son there and ended up staying for nine years. In 2007 they moved to Sweden. Besides writing novels Heidi is also a Mindfulness Life Coach and a musician. This is the third and final book of her trilogy Dreamscape.

www.heidihallifax.com www.facebook.com/heidi.hallifax