The Lighthouse 6y3o2w

Hailey Chomette

The Lighthouse

First published by Independent 2021

Copyright © 2021 by Hailey Chomette

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

Hailey Chomette asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

Hailey Chomette has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Websites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book and on its cover are trade names, service marks, trademarks and ed trademarks of their respective owners. The publishers and the book are not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. None of the companies referenced

within the book have endorsed the book.

First edition

ISBN: 978-1-7777876-1-5

This book was professionally typeset on Reedsy Find out more at reedsy.com

Dedicated to Olivier. The dark-haired, handsome man in my life, who is always there when I need him.

Acknowledgement

This dream took a while to come alive. It was a ion project that turned into reality one little baby step at a time. And I am so incredibly glad I saw it through to the end. Behind every author, is a group of people who chipped in, who believed, who ed, who said ‘Do it!’. These are my people. The people I am so grateful for, the people who gave me the inspiration to keep going. The very first thank you can only go to my dear friend Jory. This is the brilliant illistrator who put the soul of my book into a piece of art for the cover. You are always right there, ing and believing in me. How lucky could I be to get a friend like you? I am so honoured to have your artwork on the cover of this book. Thank you. Thank you to my first editor Katrina. The wonderful friend who helped re-work my book and gave me very much needed opinions and . Thank you for all of your input and letting me bug you oh so many times! Thank you to my second editor Jennifer Herrington, you really helped me bring it to life. You were truly amazing to work with. Thank you Lizzie, you incredible lady. You helped me sort through various plot issues and always, always offered encouragement! Thank you Sam, you were never too busy to stop and listen to me chatter on about my plans. You were always honest and kind with your critiques and I cannot thank you enough for that. Thank you to my sister Amanda, the first person to read it and give me . Thank you to my sister Brandi who said “Stop second guessing yourself and just go for it.” I needed that. Thank you to my Dad. When I informed him that I writing was a Women’s Fiction novel, he informed me that it didn’t matter and he would be reading it

anyway! Thank you to my three fantastic, high energy, crazy kids who tried so hard to be patient everytime I said “Hang on, just let me finish this page.” But the biggest thank you is saved for last. The thank you to my husband Olivier. Thank you for your time that allowed me to write this. Thank you for caring for our kids while I was nose-deep in the computer typing away. Thank you for your patience, for your love, for your belief in me and for your . I love you, always. To all my people, standing in my corner, this book would not exist without you. Thank you.

1

Chapter 1

Jerry sipped his nearing cold coffee in the echoey office that his books, papers, and research were scattered all over. The overwhelming scent of the hazelnut brew filled the tiny office. An ivy plant near the old, single pane window flourished in its accessible environment, splaying itself all over the walls, hanging about wherever it could just so it could keep growing. Jerry never bothered trimming it, the office was just as much the ivy plant’s as it was his. Being a private investigator for a living, his clients were not expecting the pristine work space of a lawyer, but he knew they also were not expecting the chaotic blowout that was his office. As clients left his office before even asking about his services, Jerry moved his prices lower and lower, until they were rock bottom. Lowest in the city, and that’s how he cornered his market. Jerry was not a scammer, he did his job and well. He was just a little…spontaneous. That’s all. He followed leads as they popped into his head; he thought outside of the box; he took chances he knew that other P.I.’s never would. He also got a lot of the cases other P.I.’s never would. He was not the one investigating the high profile cheating scandals from pretentious, well-heeled clientele. Those jobs may pay well, but they bored Jerry to bits, and luckily, they were not the cases he was offered. The people who sought out his services were different. They were the neglected housewives who feared their husbands were gambling away their household money, or worse, spending it on drugs. Jerry, who had spent over twenty years in the business, could spot these women the second they walked in. Broken and distraught, they had scavenged just barely enough to pay him to find out the truth. He was the cheapest P.I. in the city after all. They loitered outside his office until they could gather the courage to amble in. Redrimmed eyes filled with shame walked into his office. Jerry gave these women a further reduction in his already discounted fees. He did this because, nine times out of ten, their husbands were throwing away their money on gambling, booze,

drugs, and occasionally prostitutes. Sure, there was the odd fella who had just been fired and didn’t want to tell his wife, but they were a drop in the bucket. His clients were the parents of children who were being harassed by online intimidation, who had scrambled up enough money to find out who was behind it and bring them to justice. Jerry, who had a seventeen-year-old son himself, gave them a discount as well. This had bought Jerry the reputation of “cheap” and cheap, well, it meant not reliable. Jerry knew that it made him look like a scammer, a swindler who would take any money he could get his filthy hands on. But he knew that wasn’t him, and the clients who had used his services knew too. So Jerry kept on getting his bottom-bin clients for bottom-bin prices. He kept taking on the people who desperately needed help and couldn’t afford it anywhere else. But once in a while, he got someone different. That someone different had walked into his office about a year ago asking him to take on a type of case he didn’t normally agree to. A case with very little leads and a very high probability of failure. She didn’t walk in broken. She walked in with fire in her eyes. Jerry saw it as an opportunity to finally make some real money from someone who could afford it. So he charged her his full fee. Jerry had some very good news for the different woman who was coming in today, he had finally solved her case. Bianca Morton was looking for her son. A baby boy she gave up for adoption over ten years ago, who would now be eleven. She had been paying him for over a year to find her son. It had been a tough one to crack, Bianca had no clues on his whereabouts and no idea what he looked like now. Jerry spent months aimlessly scouring every corner of the online world and may have never found him if it hadn’t been for his perceptive eye. He had attended a charity event, raising money for foster care families with his son who needed volunteer hours to graduate high school. There, behind a little booth, sitting with another boy and an older woman who must have been his foster parent, was a boy who had all the same features and coloring as the woman who had walked into his office. Jerry walked up and spoke to the boy, asking him to speak about the information at his booth. He even smiled exactly like Bianca. Jerry had been looking in the wrong place all along. His client’s son hadn’t been adopted—he had been tossed into the foster care system! Why? Well, that he didn’t know, and he wasn’t being paid to figure it out either. From this lead, Jerry easily got the information he

didn’t from the boy and his foster mother. Their address.

2

Chapter 2

There was no denying it. Bianca’s life had emphatically shattered into a billion tiny shards. Those shards had then been tossed out into the ocean without a single hope of finding them. Forever lost to the salt and tumultuous waves. There was no putting it back together this time. And for that, she felt eternally grateful. She had, after all, destroyed it herself. Bianca always loved the crackle of the gravel driveway leading up to the old house sitting on the edge of the sea, even though it was weathered and broken. Potholes had developed in strategic locations and if a driver didn’t know exactly how to maneuver their vehicle, the road could leave them stranded with a flat. She followed the lane in the old red Chevy truck as it curved and winded, leaving the small rocks spilling over into the green forest floor that curled around it. She could smell the distant, drifting scent of the flowers that popped up from beneath the leaves and brought an element of joy to the green serenity. This forest had always looked, to her, like an undisturbed woodland, a perfect bit of nature, where she used to make-believe that fairies might make a home, but Bianca knew now no fairies lived here. She couldn’t see the house from the main road, heck, she couldn’t even see the house at the halfway point down the kilometer long driveway. Bianca couldn’t see the house until she reached where the gravel trickled off and sprinkled onto the smooth parkway. The trees opened up like clouds in the heavens and just like that, she found herself in an entirely different realm. What those trees opened up to depended on the time of year. If she was lucky, and she was today, it was her favorite time of year and summery, lush greenery led up to the sparkling, turquoise-blue of the ocean and the soft cream-and-coffee-colored sand that was begging to be stepped in. If it was winter, she was greeted by the lifeless, wistful branches arched gracefully overhead. The seemingly endless white blanket of heavy snow bid her

a greeting, reflecting the calm, dim overcast that seemed to perpetually overhang through the long winter. Sometimes this scene felt lonely to Bianca, but mostly, even winter here gave her peace. But no matter the time of year it was, when those last trees were ed and Bianca was fully enveloped by the forest in that secluded house clearing, she could never miss the red and white of the immeasurable lighthouse. It conquered the landscape. The smaller, two-story home came in a close second. It would have been charming, in a rustic way, had it not been in desperate need of repairs. The old building had been let go for too long and had a sorrowful, abandoned cabin quality, like it used to be beautiful but was now just pitiful. This paradise of isolation, forever salt-scented, where only the trees and the water spoke, where only birds’ melodic voices cut through the calm air, was once just as serene as it seemed. The lives inside the little house bustled with the joy of a simple life. However, for the past several years, that hadn’t been the case. The property no longer felt like the gentle safe-haven it once was, not to her. Bianca’s thick, dark brown hair was tied up in a loose bun, reflecting the sun with indiscriminate tints of brass that gave her tresses their dynamic beauty. It wasn’t often let down, but when it was, it hung to her waist, shining in soft waves. It was a hassle for certain, but Bianca never could find the will to give it more than a trim. There was just something comforting about its hidden beauty. She didn’t have the heart to spoil it, even if no one got to see it but her. Bianca shook her hair free of the bun, but immediately got annoyed when it tickled the sensitive skin of the back of her neck. Bianca sighed and clawed her fingers through it, pulling it back into a low ponytail, just above the nape of her neck. She pulled the mass of hair over her shoulder, and it weaved over her chest. Bianca ired it silently, chastising herself for not having the fortitude to set it free. Beauty; forever hidden. “You got your waves from living next to the ocean.” Her mother used to say whenever she had brushed Bianca’s hair as a child. Bianca believed that, even if the sentiment came from her mother. Her hair eventually made its own way back over her shoulder. It flowed along in the wind with her as she walked in the sand, moving slowly and pushing her toes

in deep with each step she took. She squinted bright green eyes against the intense sunlight, and her deep olive skin soaked it in like an oil, massaging and softening her from the inside. It was a beautiful day, the warm sunshine made it so. Crisp, calm sunbeams spilled over the ocean and the soft breeze sang a song against the trees, but inside, Bianca felt only turmoil. She held something in her hand. A small piece of glittering metal, corroded with speckles of copper rust. Bianca couldn’t look at it, she turned it over and over in her palm. She had found it on the beach the night before; it shone in the moonlight against the pale sand beneath it. A piece of the lighthouse, she examined the tall building from the beach, but she couldn’t tell where it had broken off from. The metal’s decomposition sawed through it at both ends, the paint chips disclosed its cause of death as neglect. It was falling apart, literally. Her lighthouse was giving up on her. Her home was fading to beyond repair, Bianca was letting it go too far. She had let all of this go too far. This was a critical reminder of reality, a significant consequence for her actions. A warning. Bianca looked up at the lighthouse, mesmerized as she always had been by it, but the giant building didn’t seem to fondly gaze down at her like it used to. Instead, the red lantern room at the top seemed to look at her like a big angry eyeball, judging her. She shuddered. Bianca could see the foundation cracks forming, the metal rusting, and windows in dire need of a wipe down. The lantern room at the very top floor had been dark for so long, Bianca wasn’t even sure it worked anymore. The incredible structure had been built long ago to inform those on the water of the large, jagged rocks lurking just beneath the surface of the water beneath the cliff on which the lighthouse stood next to Bianca’s beach. They were impossible to see at night, and difficult to spot even during the day. They could take down any large vessel that attempted to sail over them. After her grandfather, the last keeper of the lighthouse, had ed, Bianca had buoys placed over the rocks. It was normally enough, but a few times, in the dead of night, Bianca had awoken to a wrecked boat on her beach that hadn’t spotted the buoys and had cruised over the rocks. No one was ever hurt, but the guilt of thinking that someone could have been always eaten at Bianca. The lighthouse would have circumvented those situations, and yet, she couldn’t even bring herself to climb the steps to the lantern room.

It didn’t feel like just a building to Bianca. Her grandfather had taken care of it like a child. Like it was a living, breathing being. It called Bianca; it pleaded with her to come inside and tend to it. The colour of the tower was barely white anymore, grime and rust clung to it, turning it to a brown-ivory. The lantern room’s paint faded from brilliant, dynamic red to a depressed, alabaster salmon, asking her to please help bring it back to life. Bianca couldn’t answer the call. She just couldn’t. Not yet. She had neglected the proud lighthouse so badly and for so long. It was her responsibility to tend to it and all these years she had made the wrong choices, brought the wrong people into her life and it had been nothing but chaos ever since she had been left in charge of this property. However, all that was about to change. The piece of the lighthouse in her hand was exactly the slap in the face that she needed. What was she doing? Destroying the little slice of heaven she had? The one piece of her family she had left, the piece her grandfather had worked his entire life to maintain so he could it over to her. A gold nugget of love that Bianca was spitting on. But no more. Bianca’s compliance had gone to meet its maker a year ago when she walked into the private investigator’s office and used every bit of money she had to hire him to find her son. It took him that entire year, which was good, because it took her that year to build up the courage for her next step. And last night she had taken it. She kicked out Trevor, and she had done it for good this time, she was sure. That one little piece of metal and a very large piece of information had given her back her self-respect. She exiled the man who had been controlling her life for eleven years. The man who had taken over the property tried to take it from her. He had tried so hard, but the one thing Bianca was proud of was that she had never let him convince her to sell it. Bianca squeezed her eyes shut as she thought of him, the man she didn’t want to give anymore of her thoughts to. It was beautiful for a long while. Trevor took care of the house, he cooked, he cleaned, he cleaned a lot, he fixed little things like squeaky doors and burnt out lightbulbs. For quite a few years it was fun. Bianca had fallen for him, she loved him deeply and she wanted nothing more than to please him, repay him for what he had done for her. They joked together, laughed together, walked on the beach, had movie nights and looked at stars from beneath the lighthouse. They did all

the normal things that couples do, and Bianca felt happy. Afterall, she wasn’t alone. He proposed to her on their two-year anniversary, and they got married in the courthouse the very next week. After that, things changed. The years had ed quickly. The more Bianca tried to salvage things with him, the worse the situation became. She hadn’t realized she had wasted so much time until it was already gone. Until a year ago, something clicked in her brain, something that told her to find her son. Bianca wasn’t sure what she was going to do when she found him, but he was the only piece of family she had left, her only goal was to be a part of his life. Looking back on it, she had always thought that there had been good times, that there was a reason she stayed with him and wanted so badly to love him, but it was all a mask. A circus show. A manipulation and guise to conceal how bad things had truly been. Hot and cold, and back and forth their arguments blew through the walls of the house on countless occasions. Bianca threw him out and let him back in over and over. A steady rhythm, it began to feel like a reliable pattern. A rotation of indignation. The ion that once lived in the bedroom turned into a war of words, clashing over and over, until there was no more love-making, only vehement anger. A cycle of boiling altercations, followed by Trevor’s persistent beseeching, supplemented with Bianca’s culpability for letting it go on for so long. A toxic, spinning whirlpool. It was a continuous circle fueled by the deep trepidation of being alone. She kept trying to cut it off at the knees, but it would just grow a new pair and keep kicking. Their relationship had taken on a life of its own. Bianca had given far, far too many chances, and she knew it. This time, she was determined to stay strong. And it was so much easier while she was holding that small piece of metal. She was an impenetrable force, moving forward. Bianca had a long life to live, and she was going to live it the way she wanted. Bianca found a perfect stone. Flat, smooth and oval. She angled it evenly and threw. It skipped nine times before losing its wind and dunking itself neatly beneath a soft wave. Bianca always thought she had used up all the good throwing stones until she found another perfect one just lying in wait on the beach, her beach. She sank down onto the warm sand, trying to allow herself to relax, even though

she knew she had a lot of difficult tasks ahead of her today. She curled her toes and buried them deep into the same sand she had been playing in since she was a child. An old, deep determination filled her up from her toes to the crown of her head. She had felt it several times before when she had found the courage to want to create change, and then later lost herself and backed down. But this time, something was different. Bianca could feel the sad submission like a heavy weight in the pit of her stomach dissolve, slowly and surely. She replaced it with the resolve to finally do the right thing. The longer she sat in her sand, the stronger she grew, the ferocity of her courage building until she felt the irresistible will to take action. Bianca knew what to do. In fact, she had a list of things she had to do. The first thing, the very first thing, was going to be to get every last one of his items out of the house. Her house. Bianca turned toward the old house, built in who knows when, at least a hundred years ago. Her grandfather had lived in it and his grandparents before him. He had once told her, these buildings were not just buildings, they had life. It was this honor and responsibility that had been ed down to Bianca. This is what I want to down to my child, thought Bianca. She ed the day he was born. The memory was cloudless. As crystalline and lucid as if it had only just happened. It had been the hardest and most beautiful day of her young life. It felt like a mockery. To create something perfect only to have it ripped from your arms. Bianca was only eighteen, and she looked at that sweet little baby—her son— born with a full head of hair. This child had come less than a year after her grandfather had ed, less than one year after the love of her life, her child’s father had left. Her son had kept his eyes closed the entire time Bianca held him. She longed to look into those eyes and say her goodbyes, but he had kept them shut the entirety of their time together. She was too young. She couldn’t take care of a baby, and it felt like the baby knew that too. He wouldn’t look at her, and he didn’t want her as his mother. Bianca knew that couldn’t be true, he was only a baby after all, but still, Bianca couldn’t help feeling like it was an indication of his knowledge of her incompetence. This was the child who was

meant to have the property after her, and she had never even looked him in the eye. The house had seen generations of her family through thunder, snow, storms, and fog. It kept them safe, warm, and sheltered. No one knows how many lives would have been lost to terrible water conditions had it not been for the light of the lighthouse guiding their way through hidden rocks to the safety of shore. And now there was no one manning it. The lighthouse stood an empty shell of its former glory. That stuck with Bianca; she grew up watching the way her grandpa took care of the buildings on the property and had realized very young that it was because he knew this place also took care of him. Grandfather had wanted to make sure they were preserved for future generations. Bianca took in everything he said. She soaked up all the responsibility that her mother couldn’t stomach. The house, the lighthouse, the ocean, the glory of the entire property spoke to Bianca while it overwhelmed her mother. Bianca looked up at the two-story, three-quarter Cape Cod style house, aged with splendor beneath the deeply disrupted, cedar shingled roof. With her grandfather’s memory to fuel her, she strode toward the front door with faith in her hands and walked right in—a new person.

3

Chapter 3

His stuff was everywhere. Bianca had to gather it from every room of the house. She looked around at the challenge in front of her, her conviction grew. Tucking the piece of the lighthouse into her back pocket, she took in the scene and began to plan the resurrection of her house. Bianca sighed and shifted, placing her hands on her hips and looking around. Trevor had caught her red handed. She had been internet snooping on her ex for a long while, a couple years before she had found him by chance. Her child’s father. The love of her life, the one who got away. Literally. Roman left for an illustrious university program he had been given a full ride to. In another province. And although Bianca had pushed him to go, it still broke her. One day he was there with her, the next, gone. He was just a memory. Bianca never crossed any lines, messaged him or spoke to him, but she did glance at the photos he posted online once in a while. But she had messed up, leaving the phone on the table with his profile open. Trevor didn’t know much about Roman, but he did know his name. And when he saw it on Bianca’s phone, he lost it. Things were broken and overturned, unidentifiable crumpled and ripped papers littered the floor, the place looked distraught and Bianca didn’t have a choice but to clean as she went, picking up items to shift everything back to the way it belonged. Before it was her grandfather’s, then it was Trevor’s. Now it belonged her way. Items were pushed off shelves, dishes were smashed. The argument from the night before hung suspended in the air, heavy like a fog. This was average for the morning following a fight. Oftentimes, when she allowed Trevor back in, he would come through like a whirlwind and clean it all up. That was the part that amazed Bianca at first. Trevor was always willing to clean up the messes he

made in his rage, and hers as well. At first, she had thought it was his way of apologizing, until she realized he only did it because he couldn’t stand the mess. Trevor was all about control and mess is easy to control. She looked at the broken items on the floor, knowing she was responsible for the demise of as many of them as Trevor was. She picked up the broken remains of an ebony bowl. The edge, rough against her fingers, felt like a new beginning. Bianca pulled every dish of the sable set he had selected from the cupboard. They flew with gusto. A murder of crows, soaring, but with a much louder landing. The sharp singing shatter of the bowls enhanced the appeal to Bianca, who felt a dam break open inside her with every dish she broke, every harmonious ceramic shatter that graced her ears. Every fragment that spun out across the floor released her a little bit more. The irreparability of her actions intensified the resolve inside her that he was never coming back. She would never allow him to. When the dishes were all broken to her satisfaction, Bianca threw open the double-hung windows in the open hall by the front door and let the breeze cleanse the stuffy atmosphere. She inhaled deeply before continuing. The dishes were unbelievably easy to clean up, but Bianca knew the rest of her mess wouldn’t have such a simple solution. Moving upstairs to the largest bedroom that she had shared with Trevor, Bianca sifted through not only his things, but her own. A pink, sheer, flowery blouse hung in their closet. Well, it used to be theirs, but now it was just hers—and that felt good. Unfortunately, now it felt like certain things didn’t belong. Bianca looked at the flouncy shirt and instantly hated it; It just didn’t feel like who she was anymore. She had never worn pink before she met him. Trevor. He had changed the way she dressed with his unsolicited opinions and backhanded comments, shifting her style to a more demure, ladylike fashion. He brought the clothes home like little gifts, small tokens of his love and lit up, complimenting her everyone she wore them. Bianca had thought it suited her because it suited Trevor, but now she knew that was wrong - this was her life and she was going to dress the way she wanted. Bianca’s eyes flashed. Something awakened inside of her and she felt a quick jolt of anger. She pulled the shirt off the hanger so harshly that the left sleeve tore completely off, making a satisfying riiiiiiiiiip sound. This startled her, as she

had not meant to do it, but she then felt a deep satisfaction. She gripped the right sleeve and the shoulder seam of the shirt with both hands and with great pleasure, tore off the other arm. She smiled. Goodbye pink. She thought merrily. The closet looks better already. Bianca was a brand new woman, and she loved it. She pulled out every piece of pink, purple, sheer, girly, skirty or floral. Including the light purple tank she had on, it had a small, meek flower hiding shyly above her right breast, which she yanked off and ripped the entire shirt completely in half. A strong emotional energy ran through her. It wasn’t quite anger anymore, but more a mix of relief, frustration, and regret. Fuck you, you stupid flower, she thought. Then, she realized she didn’t have to be so quiet anymore; she was free to say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. “FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FLOWER!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. No one told her to shut up. She had probably imagined it, but she could swear she felt the house move too, shifting, smiling with her. Bianca grinned as she marched her happy ass over to the tiny, dormered window in her bra, throwing it open dramatically and tossing out the purple shirt, flower and all. Every piece of clothing she hated, every piece he had picked out. Bianca took Trevor’s entire closet and pushed it out the window in a clump. She peeked her head out and looked down. Trevor’s perfect wardrobe of stiff dress pants and button-ups shirts ironed to perfection were a crumpled mess. He would be furious. Bianca felt a tiny tinge of guilt, but she pushed it away and let it go out the window into the breeze. Bianca didn’t have any cares left to give. She slammed the window shut, clapping her hands together and feeling free again. It wasn’t as satisfying as the dishes, but it felt much more pragmatic. Bianca looked down at her bra, wondering what she wanted to wear. I want my old black shirt back, the one with the dragon on it. Trevor hated that one, but it was my favorite. I want all my old clothes back, she thought. But where the hell did I put them? Her closet was near empty now. It looked like it needed new residents. Or possibly some old, reliable tenants to resume occupancy. Bianca knew she had put her old favorites somewhere. She had kept

quite a few pieces she liked, but she longed for her old clothes from the Before Trevor era. Bianca knew she hadn’t disposed of them, but she had hid them years ago to make sure Trevor wouldn’t. The search began. Bianca started in the bedroom, tearing apart the closet, digging from the bottom corners to the very top shelf. There were old wedding programs waiting to be torn up, but no clothes. But all the while searching in that room, she knew she would not find them there. She had a better hiding place, she just had to where. And then, while completing a nugatory search through her underwear drawer, Bianca ed. The attic. Scrambling down the hall with hope, she raced to the attic door and pulled the string to release the stairs. Bianca’s hands shook as she climbed up. She realized how nervous she was that this piece of her old life was gone. As she climbed each step, all she could do was pray that Trevor hadn’t found the clothes and gotten rid of them without her knowledge. At the top of the stairs, the musty scent filled her nose, and as Bianca exhaled, dust flew off ceiling joists and was sent swirling into the room causing a gentle dust tornado. It flew around in the single ray of sunshine filing into the room through a small tear in the worn, pink bed sheet that was hanging on rusty nails over the single pane attic window. If Trevor had ever come up here to clean, it hadn’t been for a very long time. Bianca walked over and released the bedsheet, sending the sunshine spraying into the room like a water hose that had just been turned on full blast. It had been a while. The attic was just how she had ed from when she was a kid, only it seemed a lot smaller now that she had to duck her head several inches under each diagonal beam every few seconds so she wouldn’t get cobwebs in her hair. It was a tiny space, but she ed her grandfather saying most homes built in this style didn’t have attics like this. Their house was special. Skulking around, half arched over, she finally spotted the corner of a large black suitcase hidden behind an old bookshelf. Bianca felt the excitement, her lips rose against her cheeks, her green eyes

narrowed, fixed on their target. Crossing the attic quickly to the suitcase, she yanked on it as hard as she could, not realizing the bookshelf had been balanced against it. The big shelf, full of dusty books complete with cobwebs, came crashing forward on top of Bianca. She caught the top of it with her hands, grunting and struggling to hold the wood frame up. The books, however, were not stopped, and they all came crashing down on her, scratching her bare chest and stomach and slapping against her knee as she held it up, attempting to use it as leverage against the wood. When the books were done with their attack, Bianca lowered the shelf to the floor, not bothering to push it back against the wall or clean the books. A job for later. She brushed off the cobwebs and examined a few small scrapes on her stomach and shoulders. Probably should have kept my shirt on to come here. She chuckled at herself, the bookshelf hadn’t even fazed her. This was such a change of pace, and she felt so in charge that the small scrapes didn’t deter her from her mission or ruin her mood. In fact, she found herself having fun. Bianca’s attention shifted back to the suitcase. Bianca dug through the old clothes, they were only slightly musty and she wasn’t willing to wait until after a wash when she found her black ribbed, tank top with the swirling, red dragon and slid on the old favorite. It hugged her rib cage like a glove, sending an old comfort spiraling throughout her body; it still fit perfectly. The next job was obvious. Bianca went back down into the main part of the house purposefully and started collecting. Trevor’s stuff had taken over. It was overwhelming, not only emotionally, but scent wise. Everything smelled like him. His deep, spicy, signature cologne lingered in the air. Bianca lit a candle, but it barely rose above the stench, let alone mask it. It would need time to dissipate. Bianca decided that wasn’t going to affect her. First she tried methodically folding items as she found them, placing things neatly and delicately into cardboard packing boxes, but that wasn’t working.

Bianca was angry. She didn’t want him to receive his items folded and organized. She dragged everything into the large, open kitchen and started shoving it into the boxes. Everything. His pens, shoes, his monogrammed notepad, travel mugs, underpants, socks, hair gel, razors, a box of his favorite granola bars, a broken hairbrush, and a small, partially empty bottle of Armani Black Code. The box wasn’t working either. Frustrated tears boiled their way to the surface and threw Bianca off guard. She squeezed her eyes shut until they hurt and forbade herself from crying anymore. That time in my life is over. Bianca grabbed the large box, digging her nails into the corners as the flimsy cardboard sagged under the weight of all the items. She pushed it roughly through the storm door and dropped it on the porch. No. She ripped it off the porch and let out an angry scream-like noise and launched everything onto the lawn. It crunched and clattered onto the grass. Something in the box snapped, sounding like it broke in two. Bianca didn’t care what it was. The items belonged there, with Trevor’s closest items left abandoned on the grass. That felt right. Suddenly a weight lifted off of her. The weight of the past eleven years. Everything in her breaking at once, her self enforced no-cry rule was quickly forgotten, and she collapsed, sobbing. “It’s over, it’s over. Thank God,” she sobbed through the tears streaming down her face. She had been holding them in so long that they were hot, salty, and angry against her skin. She let go completely, allowing herself to feel everything she had been holding onto. It boiled over and released, like a pot of soup that finally had its lid taken off, spilling onto the stove and sizzling. Ten minutes after her sob-fest had started, Bianca was done. She stood tall, wiped her face, and brushed herself off, prepared. The next job was going to be way harder. She found herself walking back up to the bedroom and opening her bedside table drawer. Lifting the false bottom that she had created herself, she found two sample size bottles of Jack Daniels that were waiting for such an occasion, a pack of cigarettes with three left, seven dead lighters, one lighter that still had some juice, and a small, torn, wrinkled to death piece of paper.

Bianca grabbed one of the bottles of Jack Daniels and took it as a shot all at once. Then she lit one of the cigarettes inside the house. That felt like a fantastic middle finger to Trevor, who had tried to force her to give up the habit, even though she would still sneak one now and then. Then she grabbed the paper and went back outside. She finally found her cell phone, where it had been laying, untouched since that morning. She shakily dialed a phone number while taking a long pull off the cigarette. “Bianca?” the voice on the other end of the phone answered. “Jerry, I’m ready for it. Give me the address,” Bianca said in a steady, clear voice, her eyes dry of tears. Bianca took the phone to the beach, buried her toes in the sand once more, and listened carefully to everything the man on the other end of the phone was saying to her. Bianca took one last, long drag off the burning cigarette, then put it out as she walked. She didn’t feel like crying anymore. It was time to move on.

4

Chapter 4

It was closing in on nightfall; deep grooves of purple and pink splattered across the sky, sharpening into intense streaks downward as they reached the ocean. As the last rays of sun hid behind the horizon, Trevor took off his sunglasses as they were no longer necessary. As he watched the darkness descend, he thought enough time had ed. He had left like he always did, just to scare her into behaving. Trevor never intended to leave forever, he belonged with Bianca, he knew that. But she was a difficult woman, bull-headed and stubborn. Sometimes Bianca pushed him too far, and then he had to remind her how terrified she was to be alone. So he would leave, just temporarily. She was always better for a few months after that. Trevor expected this time to be no different, except it was different. Because Trevor had caught her internet searching her high school sweetheart. She is my wife, she shouldn’t be looking up past lovers. Trevor felt justifiably angry. Sure, he had searched up old exes too, but for a man that’s just bound to happen. For a woman? Unacceptable. Trevor ed his name. Roman. The guy before him, the lost love he had to compete with, the father of her adopted child. Trevor had heard of him before and the love they once shared, but he ran off for some school program, abandoning Bianca just like her mother had. Trevor was the only person who had actually stuck around for her. She would realize that Trevor knew best; that he was only trying to do what was right for her. A man should run the house, even if the house actually belonged to his wife. Besides, he definitely ran it better than she did. But Bianca didn’t know that, she never knew what was good for her. Trevor spun the steering wheel in his black sedan into a sharp U turn on an empty, rural road, pressed on the gas pedal, and started heading back toward the tiny town of Martoonville and the house on the ocean. He was hoping that Bianca was worried about him enough to quit questioning him, quit badgering,

stop trying to tell him how to run things. He hoped she was worried enough to never look up her ex again. Fix up the lighthouse? What a joke. Better off to tear it down; the thing is a dump. Does the house need a new roof? Nope. What we needed to do was to sell that ancient property and buy something newer in town. Trevor’s mind flipped through all the different ways Bianca had been wrong. She just couldn’t see sense. No one could see the damn house from the road anyway. Why would it need a new roof? Bianca was usually pliable, if Trevor asked nicely enough, or annoyed her enough. She wanted to make him happy, Trevor could see that in her eyes when she eventually complied with most of his requests. But there was one item on his list he had never accomplished. She never would entertain the idea of selling the place. Bianca couldn’t comprehend how much better their lives would be somewhere else. Everything else he could sway her opinion on, that was the one thing she held fast to. Trevor tried and tried, he pushed, he pleaded, he tried to reason with her, he purposely annoyed her, one time he even made a power-point presentation to explain to her how wrong she was. But no matter how much he bore down, Bianca wouldn’t submit. She was bolted on to that dilapidated lighthouse. She was just a streak of rust, growing on the edge of the metal, waiting and willing to die along with the structure. Trevor’s thoughts curdled, turning sour as old milk. Bee is an idiot. She still thinks of him, that Roman guy. He thought, riling himself up, his anger starting to seep through his skin, making him sweat, reliving the events that had transpired the night before. No matter how often I remind her that I was the one who stayed. He couldn’t control it, and he didn’t want to. It felt good, the righteous indignation. Trevor didn’t need validation from anyone else, he knew he was incredibly veracious, even if others couldn’t see it. His perspicacity was always impeccable, and yet, like most people possessed great ingenuity, he was often undervalued and dismissed. The part that vexed him the most was when Bianca commanded Trevor to get out of the house. She had been the one internet stalking her ex! He had been planning to leave, of course, but he hated when she told him to do so. She should be begging him to stay, Trevor wanted to walk out the door in a cloud of delirious reverence. But sometimes Bianca beat him to it and told him to leave first. Trevor loathed that, it felt like defeat. He would have to be quicker to leave

next time; the titillation of the feud with Bianca kept him too long. I have to get out of the house? ME? That place will fall apart without me within a week. It’ll be a disaster. The nerve of that bitch, he thought, pressing harder on the gas pedal. She needs me—why can’t she see that? His small car slithered like a silk sheet down the smooth paved highway. He followed its path as it curved along beside the ocean, a lone, quiet storm gliding like a bird along the pavement. Trevor was not cognizant of his speed increasing as he gripped the steering wheel and twisted. He couldn’t hide the reaction when he was alone. What would be the point? He was entirely alone, he could just be who he was and feel what he felt. There was no one he had to manage. It was the satiating, audacious abandon of constraint. It felt like freedom. The enmity crawled up his spine like a caterpillar. Malignant, taking over, infecting his thoughts, oscillating cartwheels in his brain, beating it with a clown mallet until he couldn’t take it anymore. Trevor let it in. He let it hold him. The peppery malevolence took over; it fueled him. It warmed him, cradling his mind in a smooth, spicy glaze, coating it with the honeyed orb of rancor he felt deep in his soul. Trevor twisted and pressed, twisted and pressed the steering wheel as he drove, entranced. With every self-righteous squeeze, he thought of how wrong Bianca was. With every press deeper, he thought about how much more he could get out of her if he just kept pushing forward. If he didn’t give up on them, if he didn’t let go of his hold on her, maybe he could get somewhere and everything would feel right again. His eyes tunneled, and he saw only the road straight ahead. He turned the steering wheel to follow it, but he wasn’t there in the moment, not truly. He was inside his own head. Natant in his introspection. He bore down in his seat and grit his teeth together as he allowed the rage to simmer. He didn’t realize how quickly he had accelerated until he heard sirens wailing, already close behind him. As he snapped back to reality, the feeling unfurling, sinking back, was replaced with consternation. Trevor ducked his head as he checked the rearview, like he thought he could

hide. The world brightened as Trevor brought himself back to his current. What the hell? No! No way, I’ve never been pulled over, I am NOT going to start now. And for just half a second he pushed a little harder on the gas, but immediately chickened out. Weakened by the ingrained submission to his perfect image. I can get out of this. Trevor thought. He pressed firmly on the brake, pulling over to the side of the road, allowing the cruiser to pull up behind him. He threw the car into park and took a breath. Trevor had never been the kind of guy to get caught when he was breaking the rules. He was an observer, and he thoroughly scoped out all situations before deciding how far to push them. He figured out what he could get past Bianca without her finding out, and he figured out when he needed to fight with her to get her to listen. A person’s buttons were normally a hidden mechanism, something you had to search for a long while and dig a little bit at time but not for Trevor. He could read people. By the look on their face alone, he knew how much bullshit they would believe and what he could get away with. And Bianca’s bullshit buttons were all located directly on her face, conspicuous and straightforward. Trevor was not one to push the wrong buttons often, he was always careful. He had been able to pull elaborate, public pranks in when he was younger while ing off the punishment and accepting all of the glory. The perfect example of this was when he and his two buddies, Bradley Coles and Conner McNallen, decided to prank the bitchy high school secretary who seemed unwilling to believe any of their bullshit. She had scoffed at their feigned ailments to get out of school early, calling them out every time they tried to turn paperwork in late. The secretary thought she ran the school and Bradley and Conner, along with the rest of the students, thought that needed to change. And Trevor was going to make it happen. Trevor spent an entire week waking early, walking alone to the school, and scoping out the front office routine. Unafraid of commitment to his craft, when he made a plan, he was fully engaged in executing it flawlessly. He assessed the consistent times every morning when the office was entirely vacant, before he made his move. There couldn’t be a single miscalculation. Only when he was confident in his research did he tell his accomplices the plan. He watched the secretary make herself a cup of tea before going down the hall to print off

paperwork. Every single morning. Then, when he was finally sure of his plan, Trevor brought an anxious Bradley and Conner over with him and walked right in. Trevor walked over calmly to the secretary’s freshly brewed morning tea, and popped several crushed up laxatives into the hot liquid. He stirred with a straw. They dissolved quickly, and he knew they would of course for he had already tested it at home. Bradley and Conner stood quaking in the corner, nervous smiles plastered on their faces, in awe of him. “How can you be so calm?” He ed a wide-eyed Bradley asking. Trevor shrugged and gave him a cocky half-smile. They would never know the hours of work that went into this plan—no, he wanted them to think it was effortless for him. Trevor left first, a hero, just walked right out. The two boys followed him, they high-fived him and declared him the God of Chaos. Trevor loved that nickname. He accepted the praise just as he had accepted the risk, but it was a very small risk thanks to Trevor’s immaculate planning. He would be above all suspicions. During the second period that day, the fruits of his labor paid off tenfold. The secretary had run through the halls of the quiet school, holding the ass of her flowery dress with both hands as she moved in a way that was somewhere between a hop and run, breathing loudly through her mouth like a woman in labor. When the bell rang a few seconds later, the hallway was littered with brown, watery, foul smelling puddles in a weaving pattern all the way from the front office to the faculty bathroom. The principal told everyone in the school that it was just a meatloaf pan that the cafeteria ladies hadn’t realized was dripping. But everyone knew what it really was. It couldn’t have gone any better, and no one suspected him. The principal didn’t know where to start. He had no clues, so he had questioned everyone. Trevor’s friends were a ball of anxiety, worried they would be caught when they were brought in, but Trevor was undisturbed. He, of course, already had a plan. When Bradley and Conner were brought into the office, they loyally kept their mouths shut even when threatened with suspension. They shook their heads

while their knees shook under the table. However, as soon as Trevor was brought in, he spilled the beans on the two pals that had just covered his own ass. Trevor didn’t just think fast to get out of repercussions, he thought of the out before he ever got into trouble. Trevor widened his eyes and told the principal he tried to stop them. He told them it was a dumb idea when they pitched it to him; he didn’t think they were serious. He was shocked and disgusted. He molded his face to fit his deception, it never betrayed him. He told the principal that he hadn’t been there when they did it. Trevor wasn’t anywhere close to getting caught, but someone had to take the fall so the questions would stop. So Trevor could get away with it. When Bradley and Conner were suspended for two weeks, Trevor sat in the center of all the other eighth graders and took questions like a celebrity. He received the credit for being such a “badass” from the other students, who were just like Conner and Bradley, in awe. He had been treated like a rockstar for weeks. To this day it was one of Trevor’s best memories; he regretted none of it. When Bradley and Conner returned, Trevor apologized, stating he had no idea what happened. And they believed him. Everyone always did, without fail. He was an expert manipulator; he never understood the saying “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”, because he always did, he always found some way to play both sides. Yes, if Trevor was doing something wrong, it was because he knew damn well that he could get away with it. Trevor did not like trouble, and right now, that’s exactly what he had. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. He never sped. How could he let that get away from him? He didn’t have a single blemish on his driving record, and now…. Fucking Bee! He grit his teeth again. This was completely her fault and now, as usual, he was going to have to fix it. Trevor took a deep breath and calmed himself. He stopped tapping his nervous fingers on the wheel and quit fidgeting. He went over his muscles one by one, purposefully relaxing. Can’t look on edge, that’s the key to a good lie. Trevor rolled it down and rearranged his face.

“Officer, I am so sorry,” Trevor said confidently, tapping his hand to his heart and tilting his head downward. He had turned on his suave act. Big smile, bright eyes, all yes, sir and no, sir. Friendly, calm, respectful. An act he had perfected while he was still young at around eight years old, when his favorite hobby was stealing from the ice cream truck. The officer held up a hand to stop him. His dark eyebrows were knit together, and he was looking down at his notepad, writing. “Do you know why I stopped you?” he asked in a deep, authoritative voice, not looking up. No emotion, all business. This guy wouldn’t be easily swayed, but Trevor had his story ready. “Yes, Officer, and I sincerely apologize, I know I was speeding but there was an emergency,” Trevor said, sounding concerned and earnest. At this point, the officer looked up, raising an eyebrow. “What kind of emergency?” he asked. The officer’s face had changed, Trevor was in. Trevor cranked it up, more confident now. He bowed his head slightly and looked up at the officer, convincingly displaying sadness in his eyes. “It’s my wife, Officer. She called me and needed me to come home right away; she said someone was hurt!” Trevor raised his tone for fiend urgency, falsified his story, quick on his feet, knowing that Bianca would corroborate it. “Speeding fast enough to have your car impounded”, said the officer deadpan, tilting his head upwards and looking down his nose at Trevor. Shit, he is NOT buying this, Trevor thought. His confidence fell, but he wasn’t ready to give up just yet. “Would you like me to call her, Officer?” Trevor asked, picking up his cell and giving it a little wave. At this point he would really need some back-up. “On speaker,” commanded the stoic officer, who was now tapping his pen against the notepad in conflict. We are getting there. You better play along, Bianca. He thought, as he smiled at the officer. Trevor dialed, trying to look confident and sincere, but his guise was

slipping under the pressure and he let out a small awkward laugh, unwillingly. He usually didn’t get himself into this sort of unpredictable situation, and this officer clearly thought he was full of shit. He was skating on thin ice, stumbling badly. The phone rang once, twice, and after the third time, Trevor started to visibly shake with anger right before Bianca finally picked up. “Trevor?” she said in a flat, what-do-you-want tone. Well, that was not going to help his act. Trevor’s temper flared, but he kept his composure. “Hey, babe, I’ve got an officer here who caught me speeding home to help you with your emergency. He just wanted me to check in on you. You’re on speaker now and he can hear you, if you would just tell him what happened,” Trevor said, smiling and looking at the officer and shrugging his shoulders while he spoke as if to say See? I’m fine, you can let me go, I’m no trouble at all. The officer, clearly fluent in body language, gave Trevor a stern let’s see you prove it first look and leaned over the phone in Trevor’s overstretched hand. “Ma’am? Can you please clarify the situation and tell me what your emergency is? Your husband was flagged going over 100 in a posted 50 zone, so this is a very serious matter if he is lying.” Bianca was quiet on the other end. The silence was deafening to Trevor as the officer glared at him, calling his shit with just a look. Come on, answer Bee, ANSWER. You’re making him question me! You know you’re gonna forgive me eventually, don’t make me have to come home and curse you out again. Trevor’s thoughts grew louder inside of his head every second longer Bianca took to answer. “Ma’am?” the officer asked again when Bianca didn’t say anything. Then they heard a sharp inhale on the other end. “Officer, the only emergency is that my husband was headed back here. He has been verbally abusive to me for many years, and last night I kicked him out. For good. I don’t know why he was speeding, but I can assure you it wasn’t because of an emergency here. Please, impound his car, lock him up and throw the key. I’d thank you for it. He’s lying to you. I hope that helps.” The phone clicked as

Bianca hung up. The officer stood back up as the phone clicked, and pushed his notepad into his back pocket, but Trevor couldn’t look at him. Oh, what the fucking FUCK, Bianca?! Fucking bitch! Goddamn it! Trevor saw red, but held his composure. Trevor chuckled awkwardly at the officer, his cover shattered to pieces. “Women, huh? So over dramatic. One little fight, that’s all she’s going off about.” Trevor had no fucking clue how to get out of this. His rouses always worked, and Bianca always backed him up, no matter what kind of fight they got into. What the hell is going on with her? She’s going to get it when I get home. “License, registration, and get out of the vehicle,” the officer said with his deep voice. His body language had changed. He had his muscular arms crossed over his chest and both his knees were locked straight, his legs in a wide stance like a security guard. There was no question in the statement his body language was making now; Game over. When Trevor stepped out, the officer grabbed his shoulders firmly and spun him around. Bent over the hood of his car, Trevor felt violated, exposed, and completely humiliated. “Officer, please! PLEASE! I swear she said there was an emergency! I was just trying to get home to my wife! Please! SHE NEEDS ME!” Trevor finally lost it as he screamed at the officer, but the gruff man didn’t flinch. Trevor was out of options and out of ideas. “Save it for someone who’ll buy it, hotshot. Lying to an officer is a criminal offence and so is street racing.” the officer said as he pushed Trevor’s head down roughly, shoving him into the back seat of the shiny, police cruiser, a place Trevor had never in his life imagined being in. Trevor let out a pathetic whimper and submissively sank back into the seat where he watched his lonely sedan fade into the distance as the cruiser took him away.

5

Chapter 5

Bianca’s knees buckled for just a second when she hung up on Trevor and the police officer. Her knees shook, her stomach rolled, and she could feel herself sweating. A bead of it tumbled down her forehead, the exertion of standing up to him. Bravery had overtaken fear. “I cannot believe I did that. I cannot believe I did that. I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID THAT!” Bianca chanted, each time growing louder and more confident. She threw her fist in the air with pride and a deep love for herself. Hell yeah! I told you I meant it this time, you son of a bitch! There was no way she was letting him back this time, not today, not ever. Bianca twirled her little piece of the lighthouse between her fingers. Before the phone call, she honestly wasn’t sure she had the strength to tell him off. But listening to him on the other end of the line asking her to play along with one of his charades again—hell no! She didn’t want it anymore. Any of it. The constant lying, the perfectionism, the order, the rules, the bossiness, the talking. God, the never ending talking was the worst. Trevor had always seemed to have some issue, some idea, something that wasn’t going his way, that he needed to change and control and twist. Bianca had always thought he was trapped inside his own head. In just twenty-four hours, everything had changed. She was free. No one had saved her—she had done it herself. Breaking free from her thoughts, Bianca switched on an old, neglected radio sitting on the kitchen counter. It still worked, so she turned it up, blasting a peppy pop station. She was dancing along with the latest hit. Bianca didn’t know what this song was called, because she hadn’t listened to this station in a long time. But she swung her hair and shook her hips, moving to the beat of the only drum that mattered, her own. The sky was changing, another day was coming to

an end, however, it felt like anything but an end to Bianca. Is this even my life right now? The one I’ve been trapped in for so long? Maybe she had been living someone else’s life this whole time. She couldn’t be sure, there was only one thing she was absolutely certain of, Bianca hadn’t been this free and happy in the longest time. The music faded as she turned the dial down, and her thoughts immediately turned themselves back up. Bianca wasn’t scared. Maybe at some point she would be, but right now, she was living on the adrenaline high of bravery. Trevor was unpredictable, controlling, and overall angry. What he did with that anger depended on how he felt that day and how much pain he wanted to inflict. Bianca knew that she was going to have to be ready, Trevor would eventually come back. No, Bianca didn’t feel scared, she felt determined. When he did inevitably come back, he was going to come back to a different Bianca. A Bianca that would never allow him to step foot in her house again. He would be taken to the police station now, but Bianca knew it wouldn’t hold him for long. He would squirm his way out sooner or later, but it had let her know she had a little time; just a small head start. Bianca had a phone number and the address for a house. A house that her elevenyear-old son apparently lived in. Jerry had been looking for ages. As good as he was at his job, Bianca knew she hadn’t given him much to go on. She had scribbled it onto the wrinkled paper, which she then promptly lost somewhere, but by then she had read it so many times that she had it memorized. Her son was supposed to have been adopted, but for some reason he was in a foster home. Jerry couldn’t tell her why. She would have to figure it out from the boy himself. The only problem was, Bianca was way too nervous to call. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t force her fingers to dial the number. How do you tell someone you’re their birth mother over the phone anyway? That’s not something you just blurt out. This has to be done face to face, properly. Who would she ask for when someone answered anyway, Bianca didn’t even know his first name… The sun was going down quickly, and Bianca had made a decision. It scrambled her stomach, tying it into knots, Bianca was nervous in the best way. Her hands

shook as she paced about the house, trying to figure out what to do. Trevor’s house keys were lying on the counter where he had left them the night before. She picked them up and shoved them into her back pocket. He didn’t have them. If she locked up well enough, he wouldn’t be able to find a way in. Bianca was running on emotion and adrenaline. When would Trevor be back? A few hours was usually the most time he would stay gone…it had been that long already. Trevor ran on his own schedule. If he came back, things could go south and it might be a long time before she got him out again. His stuff was already all over the lawn… Fear washed over Bianca. She panicked. Bianca had just gotten the news she had been waiting for over a year, the information she had used all of her savings and spare money to obtain. It had been hell trying to hide what she was doing from Trevor. This was the first step into being the person she wanted to be, who she knew she was meant to be. If Bianca was going to do this, to find her son, she needed to leave. Now. And there was no question about it, she did want to meet him. She needed to. What was right and what made sense was stirring together in a big mixing bowl. To Bianca it felt like she was trying to follow the recipe without the cooking book or the right ingredients, at risk of burning the whole kitchen down. But, she decided, if everything catches on fire, I will leave the kid safe, walk out and take the fire with me. Bianca was determined not to screw things up for her son, whatever his life was like now. The last she had seen him was when she had held her son for one hour on the gorgeous, bright June morning when he was born. 6:45 a.m., just as the sun rose, greeting him with the light of a new day. She had sixty precious minutes alone with him, before they scooped up the baby and took him away to his real family, whoever they were. So, she savored staring at him for that one hour. Stroking his head full of beautiful, silky soft baby hair, kissing his little nose. She had changed his diaper once. One time, the only time she got to do something parentlike for her son. They had told her the sooner they took him, the better the chances that he would be adopted. She hadn’t given him a first name. She knew whoever adopted him would re-name him, and she didn’t want to saddle him with the broken identity of a life he never got to live. But she did give him a middle name. A memoir, a clue, the only one she had been able to give Jerry. His middle name, Carl, after her grandfather.

Bianca wouldn’t blame her son if he didn’t want to speak to her. Not one bit. She wasn’t scared of the rejection. She had been angry with herself for years. He would be eleven by now. June 28th had just ed. Bianca wondered everyday if he was ok. Now she would finally get her answer. So Bianca raced around, her brain working on only half sense and full blitz. She made sure every window was latched, every door was locked up tight, put her piece of the lighthouse safely on the dash, then started her Chevy and began driving. An hour and a half to the city. It was late, going on 9 p.m., and she wouldn’t make it there until at least 10:30 if she had an easy drive. So Bianca got moving. The day was ducking fast behind her, sinking into the horizon, and as the sun went down, Bianca grew calmer. The nervousness subsided until everything just felt right. Bianca could feel, with the essence of her soul that she was, at last, doing what she was supposed to be doing, what she was meant to do. The darkness felt like cool water rushing over her, peaceful and soft as it broke against her bare arms in a small breeze. The night was incredibly clear and quiet, excellent for driving and thinking, which was perfect since those were the two things that Bianca was about to spend hours doing. As the last splinters of sun fell behind the ocean, Bianca pulled out of the long gravel driveway, following the winding rural road toward the city. The street lamps lit her way, letting her sink into her thoughts as she followed the vacant road. When she ed a sign that stated “Halifax, 102 kms” Bianca was transported in the time when she first ed that same sign with Trevor. On the way to the hospital to give birth to her son. Bianca had only known Trevor for two months at the time, he had driven her there. The whole drive, she wished he was Roman. Bianca was amazed he had been interested in her while pregnant, but looking back she could it to herself, he had found her vulnerable and terrified. She had no other family left, and he had been her shoulder to lean on. It was a low blow to have her grandfather, the only person who had taken care of her all her life, die just three days after she turned eighteen. He had been her everything. He had raised Bianca and also been her best friend. Her father died when she was just two, and her mother left her at nine, leaving her already incredibly small family even smaller, until it was just her, alone. She had nothing but trust issues and an unexpected pregnancy. Scared and broken, she was clawing through life with her eyes closed. Grasping for

anything she could. And then Trevor appeared, as if out of thin air. One morning Bianca was at the grocery store and Trevor came up to her and just struck up a conversation while she was mulling over the apples at seven months pregnant. Trevor got her number, and the rest was history. He was living in the city with his mother at the time and was over with Bianca so often he ended up just kind of moving in without asking and taking over the house. There was no conversation about it. Once he just showed up with a box of stuff and asked Bianca if it was alright if he kept a few things there. Bianca thought nothing of it. Of course, it would be easier for him to keep a few items at her place. He was commuting to see her from the city every weekend. But the boxes kept coming. Then one day, he casually announced that his bank had switched his branch to the nearest town to her house. Trevor didn’t ask if he could move in. One day he was still living with his mother, and the next with her. Bianca, being so overwhelmed having a house, a lighthouse and an unplanned pregnancy thrown at her at eighteen, just let him. She just let him. Bianca had gotten a job at that same local grocery store, and over the years worked her way up to manager. She never went back to school. She never aimed for more because over all those years, she always thought to herself over and over and over again, that one day, she would become the keeper of the lighthouse, just like her grandfather had been. Just like he always taught her to be. That was all they both wanted. But it never happened. After her grandfather died, she never went back in. At first it was grief, but the more time that ed the more the reason became guilt. And then the reason became Trevor. Bianca was torn between wanting to carry on her grandfather’s legacy and wanting to please her husband, who she knew desperately desired to move. She couldn’t help comparing him to Roman through the years. Roman would have never asked her to leave her lighthouse. But there was a big difference between Trevor and Roman. The difference was, Trevor was there to try and convince her to follow his plans but Roman was long gone. Now, her grandfather was gone too, and she was grieving his death and that had left Bianca extremely pliable to suggestion. Trevor had been so kind throughout the entire pregnancy and for the year afterwards. It had been Trevor who convinced her the baby boy would be better without her, although she hadn’t put up much of a fight. Bianca didn’t feel at all

ready or adequate for motherhood, and everything Trevor was saying made sense to her. Of course, everything changed after they were married. Slowly, but surely, until things were mostly bad and hardly good. It was like something slipped in him. He was angry much of the time, short with her, cleaned more, worked more at his insurance gig, and argued about everything. There were small bouts of kindness, sure, the occasional good time. There were beautiful days of Trevor’s perfect moods where he could make her laugh, make her smile, make her feel loved. However, Trevor was no longer the quiet, respectful, ive man she had grown to love in the two years before. His outbursts were sudden, and often, leaving Bianca feeling a constant anxiety that she would do something unknowingly to set him off. Leaving a towel on the floor would have him screaming her name from the upstairs bathroom. A conversation about repairing the house or the lighthouse would have him reeling. As much as he wanted the house clean, he absolutely did not want to put any money into it, he wanted to sell. For so long, Bianca thought she was the problem and she was forever trying to reverse things. She gave in on everything she could—she tried to make him happy—but she couldn’t help her own nature. When he screamed at her and called her names, she fought back and hard. Bianca was never taught to be a meek little lady. Her grandfather taught her strength and respect and she was only willing to put up with so much before she took part in the fights and she screamed right back at him. Eleven years. Eleven years, and he had never reverted into the man Bianca had fallen in love with; not for more than a moment anyway. His eyes never regained the soft brown she had fallen for. His face developed ugly grimace lines alongside his mouth that grew with every ing year. Bianca had fallen out of love quickly and suddenly one night, it happened all at once. It had hit her like a tsunami, but Bianca kept pushing on, rising above the surface of the water of their relationship for breaths of air. She kept pressing for many years after her love had faded. It felt like trying to push the rain back up into the sky, but it still insisted on pouring down to drown her.

Trevor was all she had left, and she desperately wanted her best friend back, but he wasn’t there anymore and maybe he never was. She ultimately acknowledged that there were two people inside of Trevor. The man she loved, the man he desperately wanted to be, the man he could be when he needed to, when he was trying to attain something. And the man he truly was. The man who he tried to keep hidden until he couldn’t anymore. Until he didn’t have to. The monster in his core, the true nucleus, begging to be unleashed. Bianca had watched the feeling of power in his eyes grow the first time he had set it free. The person she knew, the man she had felt so safe with, fading quickly. As he gained control and she lost it, the spark in him strengthened. It wasn’t joy she saw when he became this way. She could see he loved the feeling, but it wasn’t happiness that brought him there. It was lust. The ardor for dominance. All Trevor’s feelings of ion were conserved for these moments when he had full authority, when the small world in that house belonged to him. Bianca had given that world to him. By staying each time, by forgiving him. Bianca had let him be that person, because she was so incredibly afraid to be alone. So she knew he felt safe, releasing his monster, knowing that each and every time, he could get Bianca to return to him. The glint of domineering disrespect, the little shadow of contempt always draped in front of her. Bianca watched Trevor relish it. And after that, each time he transfigured himself a little bit more and its potency grew. This true piece of him devoured his facade until that was all he was, all of the time. That monster of power. It reigned over the house, because it knew it could get away with it. But Bianca believed his monster wasn’t a completely random one. It had been learned. Trevor had inherited his monster from his mother. Bianca met Trevor’s mother for the first time long after their wedding. He had never brought her home to meet his mother, and while Bianca always thought that was strange, it wasn’t a hill to die on for her. Trevor went every week like clockwork to visit with his mother and always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t bring her along. For a long while, Bianca thought it was that Trevor was ashamed of her because of the pregnancy, and that didn’t bother her so much because she was also ashamed for a long time. She felt irresponsible and foolish. She went with the flow until one day, apparently, his mother had given him no choice. He had to

bring Bianca next week. His mother wanted to meet her, and he wasn’t allowed to say no anymore. The drive up, Trevor had been completely silent, staring stoically at the road, hmm-ing when Bianca tried to start a conversation. When they pulled up in front of the brightest, pinkest house that Bianca had ever seen, she was startled. Trevor was shaking and audibly breathing. He straightened his tie, smoothed out his crisp, perfectly ironed dress pants, and gave Bianca a once over. He pushed her hair back over shoulders and pulled down the knee-length floral dress he had picked out for her making certain it covered her thighs completely. “Your shoes”, he finally said, staring down. “What’s that, sweetheart?” “Your SHOES, Bianca!” he hissed in a harsh whisper. Bianca jumped and furrowed her eyebrows at him. “I told you to wear the purple ones.” Trevor didn’t wait for her reply as put his hand against his forehead and started walking toward the house. “Never fucking listens”, he muttered under his breath. Bianca, who couldn’t understand what the issue was, didn’t say anything. She had followed him up to the door, unaware of what she was in for. Bianca shuddered thinking of her. Brenda. Terrifying in an understated way. Scary enough to make even Trevor cower. The crinkle of the paper in Bianca’s hand brought her back to the present. Where she had something very important to do. Call me if you need anything else found out. Jerry had said to her as she walked out the door. He had finally done it, it had taken him so long, that Bianca had thought he might have just taken her money and ran. The address, scribbled quickly under Jerry’s cell number, had said 77 Mutton Lane. It was the same city that he had been born in eleven years before. At least he had stayed local. The city was about an hour and a half from the small beach town of Martoonville, the closest town to Bianca’s property. Bianca had been to the city many times since he had been born. Had she walked right past her son and not even known? To think all this time, they had lived their lives parallel to

each other. All the memories Bianca had missed. The memories she could have had with Roman. But that would have meant holding him back from his dream. From his schooling, his once in a lifetime shot at a free ride through university. He used to come over, biking all the way along the main road from his house in Martoonville, staying with her until deep into the night, then pretending to go home and sneaking back into the house after her father was asleep. Then the next, he was gone. Of course, he didn’t know Bianca had been pregnant. She didn’t even know until after he was gone. Until after her grandfather had ed in the car accident. Not until she was completely alone. Although Bianca did not regret giving up her son, she did feel a deep penitence for it. She knew she had made the right decision for herself, but the question of whether it had been a good decision for her son had weighed heavily on her, but she had always consoled herself with the knowledge that he had been adopted into a loving home. Now to find out that he hadn’t been adopted? It was cataclysmic. Heart wrenching. Bianca took the lighthouse piece off her dash and held it as she drove. She heard her grandfather’s voice in her head. Take a breath. It reminded her. She could hear the way his voice sounded when he said it. She missed the low, raspy sound of his soothing tone, but with this piece of the lighthouse, she felt as though he was here now. That gave her strength. Bianca had to find her son and find out what happened, the truth. Bianca listened to the memory of her grandfather’s voice in her mind and breathed deeply, letting it sedate her. The drive grew darker every minute, and the air became cooler and crisper. Bianca reveled in it. The salty, ocean air flowed through her car vents, cooling the van and making Bianca shiver, but she didn’t turn on the heat. The quiet, sensual coastal nights were a beautiful thing. They made your brain turn down, made you high, gave you a warm buzz between your ears, like beer. Better even, because your senses were still in full force and you felt alive. The old, rusty truck crackled along the smooth road, sidling parallel to the water following the waves that shimmered with moonlight. The sun set as the street lights turned on along the highway, lighting Bianca’s way and guiding her to her destiny.

6

Chapter 6

The sofa was uncomfortable. It had never truly been comfortable, even when Trevor was a child. It was inexplicably white though. He swore it had gotten whiter over the years. How many times has she bleached this thing? He thought, shifting the lumpy cushions under him. Trevor’s wrists were bruised from the handcuffs. They ached and groaned with the pressure as he tried to lift his hips and re-adjust on the stiff couch, but he only made it worse and now his left ass cheek was on top of a hard lump that gave the impression that someone had stuffed the cushions with Legos instead of couch fluff. Trevor sniffed the air. It smelled the same, like the utility closet of the local community pool. The orange carpet was old, but bore absolutely no stains to reveal its age. His mother had always said it was smarter to take care of the things you had, rather than replacing them, and she lived that advice as hard as she preached it. “Trevyyyyyyyyy” His mother trilled. Her short, mousey brown ringlet hair bounced into the room. “I made your favorite juuuuuuice.” Her hair, much like his own, always moved when she did. Trevor thought it was Brenda’s most distinguishing feature, especially when her blue eyes were far away, filled with the thoughts of the obsessive list of things that needed cleaning. Oh God, please no, thought Trevor, slumping forward and resting his head on top of his crossed forearms. The prior night had been exhausting. Being trapped at the police station until 3 a.m. while they filed paperwork to have his car impounded and have him charged with “street racing.” How had his mind gotten so out of whack? He never lost control like that. It was Bianca that had done it, and the way she had thrown him under the bus like that? It was embarrassing. Has she lost her mind? I’m her HUSBAND! But Trevor didn’t have enough

energy left to be angry anymore, and he let the thought go from his mind. For now. “Cola mixed up with orange juice and a hint of lime, here you go, baby!” Brenda smiled extra wide, her teeth, beaming white, shone almost blue against her flowery pink lipstick. “I am just SO glad you’re back!” she said, grabbing the top of Trevor’s head and kissing his hair firmly. Trevor gave her a polite smile and took the glass, making a point to sit up extra straight now so he wouldn’t hear about “slumping.” It wasn’t a choice to come here. This was the only place he could go. Bianca had taken his house keys, and his sedan was still in impound and his gig as an insurance agent had been barely. He got paid on commission, and as of late, his clientele had been seriously lacking; a hotel was completely out of the question. So, here he was, a mere patsy chained under his mother’s overbearing thumb. This was her house, Trevor learned that lesson long ago. He would just have to bite his tongue, suck his teeth and grit through it. “Oh honey, you need a haircut! Hasn’t Miss Bianca been taking care of you?” Brenda asked, combing through his curly hair with her fingertips like a monkey looking for fleas to eat. She waited patiently for Trevor to say the words he always said when Brenda asked a question like that. “No, Mama. She could never take as good a care of me as you do.” Trevor looked up at his mom with the same look he had used on the police officer to try and get out of trouble. The difference was, it always worked on his mother. She was always hungry, needing to be fed a steady diet of vocalized adoration and love. And in truth, she was very intimidating when she was upset. It was easier to keep her happy. Brenda smiled wider at her son and nodded her head, satisfied as she walked out of the room. Shuffling purple slippers across the immaculate carpet. Trevor could see the lines and smell the deodorizer, it had been freshly vacuumed that day. Trevor stared at the horrid drink in his hand. He had liked it once when he was seven, and that was mostly for the novelty of the pop and juice mix. His mother hadn’t let it go since then. Buying cola and juice at every grocery shop since. Trevor had been choking down the mixture since then to appease her. He never

was able to swindle that one out of her, in her mind, he would always be her adoring seven-year-old. Trevor fed his juice concoction to the soil of his mother’s already over-watered money tree plant when his mother’s back was turned. The second Brenda realized that Trevor was done with the drink, she swooped in and whisked the cup away to be immediately washed, then disinfected with bleach. Brenda’s hands were red and rough, and after years of using harsh chemicals every day, they scratched Trevor as she took the glass but he said nothing, careful not to flinch. Does a juice glass REALLY need to be sterilized, Mother? Trevor thought the words, but he didn’t dare say them. Trevor was indeed very careful what he said out loud in his mother’s home. He had been thoroughly instructed on how to keep a home. He had heard the lecture several times that went something to the tune of “your environment should be kept pristine, sweetheart” and Trevor really had taken those words in. His house had always been the pinnacle of cleanliness, but he had also learned from his mother’s use of chemicals that they should not be overused. Brenda once had to be hospitalized after giving herself chemical burns on her face after she mixed too many chemicals and the mixture had splattered back at her, burning her right cheek and leaving a scar to this day. She concealed it heavily with make-up but Trevor, knowing it was there, could always see the faint outline. It was forever a reminder to him of that day and her screams as he watched her claw at her face in agonizing pain. After that, while she never mixed those particular chemicals again, she still hadn’t learned her lesson. Brenda spent her retirement days disinfecting every room in the house, sometimes well into the night if she thought it needed it. Chained to her obsessive compulsions to clean. It gave him anxiety just to be here. Walking on metaphorical eggshells. Watching where he placed things and making sure he cleaned up after everything he did right away. He was a clean freak at the house he shared with Bianca too, but here, he was on another level. Bianca had absolutely not been a clean freak, but he had grown up with it, so when he moved in, he had made rules for the household to keep it on track. Trevor felt his spine curl again when he thought of Bianca, but he pushed it back

down. It couldn’t happen here. This was his mother’s house, not his. Trevor could it that here, Brenda ran the show. Brenda had finished with the cup and seemed to have forgotten Trevor was there when she noticed a spot on the floor that needed cleaning. Trevor watched her from the couch as she pulled the rag, bucket, and bleach out from beneath the sink. He was completely still and silent. Trevor watched his mother from afar, like he had countless times before. Scrubbing and focusing, trying to clean away her problems. There was a time, when Trevor was smaller, that he had not been scared of his mother. There was a time that she had seemed like the good guy, the person who would protect him. But that was before his father had died. His father was the one who taught him the importance of not getting caught, because when he caught Trevor doing something he wasn’t supposed to do, he didn’t use words to correct him—he used fists. Trevor’s mother always tried to stop his father, but she would never leave him, instead, he left her. He was out too late, he drank too much, and he fell off a bridge. But Trevor always wondered if falling was really the way his demon riddled father went. He always wondered if his father really fell, or if he jumped. With Trevor’s father gone, Brenda took over. She never struck him, but she was controlling in another way. She had been scarred, and she was finally free. But Trevor wasn’t. His mother’s codependency on him was burdening. When he was with her, he didn’t have a free moment to think for himself. It was what made Trevor crave the control he had never had at home. Trevor kept watching, stone silent, until she turned her back to him. When Trevor was sure his mother was distracted, he left the room. Creeping toes careful not to make a scuff in the carpet, avoiding the spots that creaked. Trevor made it successfully to the hallway and down the back stairs. The promising sanctuary of his old bedroom awaited him. The stairs were old, but without a speck of dust. Only two of them made sounds when stepped on, Trevor gripped the handle as he byed the conspicuous steps. The basement was dark, and he left it that way. The light would give away his whereabouts. He had only been in the home for twenty minutes, but he already desperately needed a break from Brenda. He fondled the wall beside him as a guide, moving with his back against it like a special agent. He followed the wall slowly until he finally found what he was looking for. The round door knob that held access to his own private oasis. His old fluffy down comforter, sparkling white and the epitome of toasty relaxation, his small flat screen tv, his

lime green bean bag chair from college. They would all be set up and waiting for him, with the room comfortingly clean as it had always been. His sweet escape. He was ready to come home, so he turned the knob, opening the door to reveal… nothing. The room that once held a soft tan on the walls was an almost startling stark white. The baseboard was missing, a can of paint sat in the closet. All of his stuff, gone. Almost as if in a puff of smoke. Trevor felt the caterpillar curl up his spine. He tried to push it down but he couldn’t, not in his mother’s home. So he let the anger sit on the back of his neck as he climbed the stairs, but he didn’t let it out as he asked his mother very carefully, “Where did all my stuff go?” Trevor’s mother, who was still bleaching the speck on the kitchen floor, answered with nonchalance. “Oh, that filthy bed and bean bag? Sweetheart, I couldn’t have it in the house anymore, it was too old and dirty. Besides you have a home with Bianca now. I’m turning that room into my workout studio. Doesn’t it look great with that color?” she asked absently, keeping her eyes on the floor as she scrubbed. Trevor didn’t answer with his opinion on the blinding, white void that his bedroom had become. It couldn’t look great in that color, because there wasn’t any color in it at all. It was blindingly white, just like the rest of his mother’s house. It wasn’t his anymore. He sat on the top stair, watching his mother scrub and feeling completely homeless. He was infuriated but empty. Irate but dismal. Trevor felt very confused. He had a home with Bianca in the little house on the sea. They had lived there together for so long. Trevor had been in control there. His words had weight, he had power, he could live the way he wanted. That was a house that was his. He didn’t want to live here again and be controlled. He wanted to live somewhere that he was in control. He wanted Bianca back. But none of that mattered now, Bianca had kicked him out. Did she really mean forever? Trevor’s mind churned silently as he sat on the top stair. He couldn’t move back here, he couldn’t live in his mother’s house again, and he certainly couldn’t afford his own place. Trevor couldn’t allow this to happen. His head filled up with a strategy. No, she couldn’t. If I show up, I can talk her into taking me back. All I need is a vehicle.

7

Chapter 7

Bianca’s vehicle pulled up rumbling. It felt wrong to create so much noise on such a quiet street at night. It was 10:42 p.m. when Bianca pulled up to a dark house with deep blue-grey siding. The house was old for sure, and slightly rundown, but it looked fairly well kept. Trim gardens lined the front of the house, speckled with small flowers. It was too far away for Bianca to tell what kind or color. She didn’t feel anxious anymore. The drive had cooled her off, she studied the house in quiet observation, letting all her feelings simmer. The drive was long, and she was too tired to feel nervous anymore. The house looked cute and happy from afar, but appearances could always be deceiving. All the windows were dark, only the front light was on, a dim bulb beneath the porch cover, and it was dead quiet. Bianca wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Her brain rattled, she had a lot of questions. Unfortunately, they would all have to wait until morning. Bianca shifted against her seat against the old worn material. Tugging against her sleeves, tapping against the wheel. Hyperventilating with anxiety until she thought she might out. Bianca had to forcefully turn off her own thoughts, pushing the index and middle finger of both hands in tiny circles on her temples. Trying to concentrate on what she was looking at, but what she was looking at was the house where her son lived and that was both exciting and terrifying. If the lights had been on when she got here, Bianca had the half-plan of knocking on the door. Even though showing up late wouldn’t have been a great impression on the boy’s foster parents, Bianca was willing to risk it. She couldn’t wait any longer, the suspense was eating away at her sanity. But going up to the house while everyone was clearly sleeping? Now that was ludicrous. Bianca was staring out her driver’s side window at the house, trying to formulate

a plan that didn’t make her seem like a complete lunatic when a loud knock, knock, knock on the enger window beside her startled Bianca out of her skin. She jumped, whipping her head around to the window behind her. A young boy stood behind a street lamp, from the light Bianca could see he had straight, sandy brown hair and bright hazel eyes that were staring at her inquisitively. Bianca hesitated a second, but she rolled her window down and scooted to the adjacent seat, stunned, but curious as to why a child was knocking on her window. “What are you doing?” the kid asked like a cop who was interrogating a suspect. “Me? What are you doing, kid? You can’t just go up to a strange vehicle in the middle of the night!” Bianca said back, both shocked and impressed by his straightforward nature. “It’s not the middle of the night,” he argued. “And I’m not scared of you.” The kid rolled his eyes and folded his arm across his small chest. “O-okay,” Bianca stammered, trying to wrap her mind around this unusual conversation. “But why are you out this late?” she asked with concern. This kid couldn’t be older than twelve. He shrugged nonchalantly. “I come out for a walk at night sometimes.” “Why?” “It’s quiet. I like the moon.” “Are you allowed?” Bianca asked. That question made the boy hesitate. “No.” He finally said, before quickly changing the subject. “But you never even answered my question. What. Are. You. Doing?” he said slowly and raised an eyebrow like he was speaking to a two-year-old. “Wha—Wh—ugh,” Bianca stuttered, not really knowing how to respond to this inquisition from a child. “I- I’m just looking at a house,” she stated, honestly.

“That house?” he asked, pointing behind her, across the street. Bianca followed his finger behind her and spun back around, confirming that it was indeed the same house. “Yeah,” she itted. What else could she say? It was obvious. Busted. “Why are you staring at my house?” he asked, narrowing his eyes. “Wait, what?” spat Bianca. “You live here? How old are you?” she asked, not thinking about the appropriateness of that question. The kid had both eyebrows up now, like a stern, disapproving adult. “I’m eleven, lady. What’s it to you?” he responded. Bianca covered her mouth and started laughing nervously. The kid backed away. “Weirdo,” he muttered under his breath, but Bianca was too flabbergasted to be listening to him. She didn’t know how to ask the next questions delicately and she couldn’t hold it in any longer, so she just spat it out like old gum you can’t stand to hold in your mouth anymore because it’s lost its taste. And she had been chewing for eleven years. “Are you a foster kid?” Bianca couldn’t help it, it was too convenient. She could be speaking to her son right now, she had to know. Her heart racing, desperate to hear the next bit of information. “Yeah, who are you?” asked the kid. His stern demeanor had faded, and he was wide-eyed now. He now looked exactly like the eleven-year-old he was, inquisitive and child-like. “Kid, I don’t know how to say this, but I think I might be your mom,” said Bianca slowly. This was not what she had pictured when meeting her son. But the kid just looked at her and laughed. “You’re not my mom!” he said with full confidence, looking at her sideways. “No. You’re definitely not my mom.”

“How do you know?” Bianca argued. “I have an eleven-year-old son I’ve never met, who I was told lives at this address! If you’re a foster kid, it could be you.” But the boy shook his head. “Nope,” he stated with certainty. “I know my mom, and she’s probably doing drugs in an alley somewhere right now. She has dyed blonde hair and hazel eyes like me, but she’s as mean as an angry bear,” he explained with a matter-of-fact tone of voice and his hands on his hips. His sass was back. Bianca was having a hard time with this conversation, but she had to it she liked the kid, even if he wasn’t her son. He had spunk and was clearly very smart. Bianca stared at him for a moment. She didn’t know what to say next. “I’m sorry about your mom,” was the only thing that came to mind. Maybe they got the numbers mixed up and gave me the wrong address, she thought, exasperated. “Maybe you’re looking for Caleb? He’s my foster brother, and he’s eleven too,” said the boy, after thinking for a moment. Bianca’s heart jumped, and she covered her mouth with both hands, unable to steady her reactions when the news kept changing so quickly. Caleb. My son’s name is Caleb. “Oh my God,” she whispered to herself. The boy acted as if he didn’t hear her. “My name’s Tobi. I share a room with Caleb, We have a bunk bed.” “A bunk bed?” Bianca repeated. “Caleb always lets me have the top bunk,” he said excitedly, bobbing up and down on his toes. “I can’t believe you’re here.” His eyes widened. Bianca couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Ya, I guess it took me long enough, huh?” She rubbed at the back of her neck, thinking. “So you think I’m in the right place then?” Tobi nodded conclusively. “Yep, mystery solved.” He crossed his arms and smirked. “You have the same color hair as Caleb.” He stated, as if this was

evidence enough. “Not sure about the eyes though, I can’t really see in the dark.” He moved his head around while looking at Bianca as if trying to get a better view of her in the dim luminescence of the streetlight. But Bianca had pushed her head back against the headrest, with her fingers to her forehead. She was breathing deeply through her mouth, trying to calm down. “Are you okay?” he asked. Genuine concern seeped out of his voice and Bianca was brought back to her senses, realizing she was having a full conversation in the middle of the night with a child. Really should be asking these questions to an adult in the morning, she thought. Bianca put her arms on the side of the window and tapped against the truck door nervously. Her excitement had died down a little and now she just felt distressed. She felt like she was on the right track, but stagnant, unsure of how to proceed. “Uhm, I’m okay,” she said. “Honestly, I’m just really nervous. Do you know if he hates me?” She couldn’t help it, the words just sprung out of her mouth. Her legs shook, her heels tapping furiously against the floor of the truck. “Hey, you have to ask him that yourself,” Toby conceded, laughing. “But, I do know he wants to meet you. He’s said it to me like, a ton of times.” “Okay.” She shook her head several times trying to process the information. “But you still shouldn’t be out this late.” Her concern for the little boy who was helping her with all this information was growing. “I do it sometimes.” Toby shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking up at the streetlight. “It’s nice to think.” “Okay. Well, do you think,” she gulped, “if I come back tomorrow, your foster parents might let me see Caleb?” she asked quietly. It was pushing midnight now, and she needed to get her answer and leave. Bianca watched Toby think for a moment. “I think so…” He looked away, like he wanted to say something else. “What’s wrong?” Bianca sensed his apprehension. “Can you like, not tell my foster mom that I was out? I’ll be in huge trouble.” Tobi replied.

“Yeah, okay. But don’t go up to strangers in their car anymore,” Bianca scolded, while trying to stifle a chuckle. She didn’t like that this kid was out so late, but then again, she snuck out occasionally at that age too. Tobi smiled a big smile at her. “Okay. I won’t, promise,” he said. I think I just made a friend, she thought, smiling back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, stranger,” she said. “Good night,” answered Tobi. “And don’t worry, Caleb is really nice.” He walked toward the house and waved. Bianca waved back. She felt strangely at peace. Tobi didn’t seem upset to be meeting his foster brother’s mom. He seemed excited. And hopefully that meant that Caleb and Tobi’s foster parents would be excited too. Bianca’s heartbeat in her chest slowed from a thudding to a light tapping. She felt a little more confident in her decision as she drove away to find a place to park for the night. Bianca had been paying Jerry for over a year. She didn’t have money for a hotel, her bank s were as drained as her energy. Besides, her grandfather’s old Chevy felt safe. So for the rest of the night, Bianca followed Tobi’s advice, and she didn’t worry. Not while she parked under a dim light in a mall parking lot. Not when she pulled out a thick blanket and climbed into the backseat. Not while curling up for a few hours of restless sleep. Not when she slipped into broken up dreams, Bianca didn’t worry. She couldn’t wait until tomorrow, when she would finally meet her son.

8

Chapter 8

Bianca rose with the sun. It flung its first strings of daylight against her sideview mirror and woke her gently. She was groggy from the lack of sleep, but sprang to life with the memories of the night before. I hope that wasn’t just a dream, was her first concern. But the skyscrapers in place of the lighthouse outside her truck window assured her it wasn’t. Her next thought: coffee. Bianca rubbed her eyes and pulled her long hair loose. It had somehow wrapped itself up in her jacket while she slept. Bianca didn’t have a brush, so she would have to make do.. She went to work finger-brushing out the stubborn hair knot by knot. Bianca lazily tied it in a messy braid and threw herself into the front seat, anxious to get moving. She searched for the truck key that was temporarily lost in the tossing and turning of her restless sleep. She found it slipped, hidden between the seats. Bianca turned the key in the ignition, and the old Chevy lit up. The dash said 6:32 a.m. Definitely coffee. No, wait, bathroom! Not a problem. Ever the rural girl, Bianca had no problem finding a discreet spot behind a large leafy bush. However, a sharp stick poking her in the ass on the way down to squat was not appreciated. Relieved, Bianca hoped back in the still running truck and cruised around looking for a Tim Hortons. She didn’t have to go far before she found one of the favorite Canadian coffee shops. “Extra-large regular and a maple dip doughnut,” she said to the chipper cashier running the drive thru.

The morning sun had risen and looked stunning through the bright green trees lining the streets of the city. Bianca smiled. She wasn’t a morning person, but she couldn’t help but enjoy mornings like this. She smiled as she wove her way up through the drive thru to the order window. “Your coffee,” said the worker with a bright smile. Her name tag read Kelly. “Thank you, Kelly. Have a great day,” replied Bianca, and the worker smiled even bigger. Bianca ed on her good mood and she drove away, wondering when she could go. She couldn’t show up at the foster home at 7 a.m. on a Saturday. The family would hate her before they even let her in the door. Bianca ended up on an open pier at the end of a now quiet street filled with the city’s trendy local shops. The location was strategic. She would be able to tell when the world was waking up and feel more confident about when it was appropriate to show up, because, well, everything just felt weird right now. “Timing would have been a great question to ask Tobi about last night,” Bianca muttered, trying to solidify a plan while she nibbled on her doughnut and chugged her coffee. The delicious life-nectar felt wonderful hitting her stomach. The time ed as slowly as it ever had for Bianca. As she sat there in her truck, her mind was awake and over active, second guessing every decision that had brought her here today. Her cell phone screen lit up with Trevor’s number, but Bianca took great pleasure in pressing “Ignore Call.” He wasn’t worth the battery life. It only came up once. Trevor wasn’t an idiot, and she knew he wasn’t going to make himself look like one by calling over and over. She had at least a few hours before he tried again. Bianca assumed Trevor had probably just gotten out of holding and needed somewhere to go. He could try and go back to the house they had shared, but as his key sat safely in the glove-box of her truck, he would have a hard time doing so. Trevor would find all his belongings strewn about the front yard, wet with morning dew. He would have to pick them up himself if he wanted them. And here she was, safe, far away in a parking lot, hidden from his rage. Bianca chuckled. She should have done this sooner. Bianca also knew Trevor’s mother lived in the city. He always had a hard time even visiting her, and Bianca had never blamed him for that. His mother, Brenda, was the queen of covert control

and manipulation. She had taught Trevor everything he knew about how to control and influence people, but she hadn’t taught him everything she knew. Bianca giggled, thinking about Trevor making the walk of shame out of the police station and into his mother’s minivan. Bianca took another sip of coffee and watched the sun rise over the harbor. It was beautiful, but not where she wanted to be this morning. She felt jumpy, but she watched and waited. The day rose slowly and trickled in. The lights and sounds of mid-morning filled the day with activity. Early birds, productive people filled the streets, walking their dogs, and jogging down the sidewalk. Saturday traffic started bustling and the roads came alive. The dash of her truck said 9:02 a.m. now and Bianca had gone back to another Tim Hortons for one more coffee and a bottle of water. Is it too early still? Bianca wondered. She had drunk too much coffee and now she was nervous and fluttery. When she couldn’t control her fidgeting anymore, she got out of her truck. Eventually she decided to wait a bit longer, even though every second was killing her. It was strange, she had waited all of these years, but the last few hours were the longest. Hopping down from the truck’s seat, Bianca felt the warm summer air. The ever constant smell of the salty ocean filled Bianca’s lungs as she breathed deeply, calming herself with the fresh wind. The piers by the water weren’t exactly alive with activity yet. The view from the pier looked familiar, but Bianca couldn’t place it. Perhaps she had come here as a child. A bridge carried her over an ocean . Gorgeous old ships were docked, and they transported her back in time, to days of pirates and buried treasure. A few dispersed, lone people stood looking out across the open water. Large transport and enger ships were docked and partially blocked the view. She noticed a man with dark hair and large muscular shoulders stood at the edge of one corner of the pier. Bianca was ambling up, trying to kill time, trying to enjoy the view, but her mind was, obviously, elsewhere. Kicking small bits of debris along the ground, she noticed a smooth, flat rock and smiled. Bianca couldn’t resist. She picked up the rock, and took it to the empty corner of the pier, opposite the dark-haired man. Bianca swung her arm a few times to get the motion she wanted on the unfamiliar pier before releasing the rock. She had thrown it harder than usual

and it soared, skipping loudly along the water, only three times before a large wave rolled up and ate it. Bianca had a toothy smile plastered on her face from the promise of a new day, the opportunity to have all her questions answered. The thought of meeting her son, which truly was all she really wanted, to meet him, to make sure his life was a good one. Bianca let the wind take away her fear, just like the water took the stone. Skipping rocks on the ocean was soul food. She felt a new freedom, and she was open to everything the day had to offer. The wind blew whispers against her ears; it almost sounded like it was saying her name. Bianca stood very still. She heard it again, but it wasn’t the wind. “Bianca?” said a strangely familiar voice.

9

Chapter 9

Bianca spun around, finding herself facing the dark-haired, muscular man, who was now facing her. “Roman,” she whispered, staring at him with her face all crinkled up like tissue paper. Her mouth was wide until she realized how silly she must look and closed it. The pier. The view. Roman’s profile picture, this was his “thinking spot” as the caption read. “I heard the rock skip,” Roman stated. She felt herself smiling, but his face didn’t hold any joy. His eyes were looking at her, but they seemed off somehow, like they were looking through her. “How are you?” she asked, trying to tone down her smile, but finding it extremely difficult. He was just as handsome as he had been in high school. More so. His dark hair, with just a few streaks of grey that only added to his good looks, setting off bright blue eyes that had gotten more focused and piercing with age. Shallow laugh lines framed his mouth, which still had the same perfect lips that Bianca ed. “I’m doing fine. How are you? How’s your grandfather and the house?” his voice and eyes held curiosity, but the rest of his face held stern, like he was holding back and putting up a shield. Bianca had never seen him like that. She took a small step back. She wasn’t sure what was going on with him. “He ed. A few months after we…” She let her voice trail off. She wasn’t sure how he ed things. Or if he wanted to. Roman knit his brows together. He looked genuinely affected by the news. “I’m really sorry to hear that. He was a great man”. He softened slightly, then hardened again, like he was just ing something that ticked him off.

“Are you still with that guy?” he asked quietly, breaking eye with Bianca and looking down at the ground, shoving both hands in his jean pockets. She couldn’t help but giggle, but when she heard the noise she made, it sounded like it came from someone else. “Why are you laughing?” Roman raised a brow at her. “I’m just…you look like you used to.” “What do you mean?” “The way your face moves,” Bianca stated, but as soon as she said it, she looked to the side feeling like an idiot. She looked at his hands as he removed them from his jeans. He wore no wedding ring. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not married, lots of married men don’t wear their rings. Bianca thought as a strange little flicker of hope rose in her chest, but she couldn’t hold onto it. It was too far-fetched. Roman scratched the back of his head like he was thinking of what to say next. He turned and looked out onto the ocean, his profile outlined against the sun. “Your face moves the same too.” Roman broke and finally gave Bianca the tiniest smile, but it faded immediately, as he looked down at her hand. Bianca followed his gaze and at that moment realized, she was still wearing her ring. He cleared his throat. “What?” Bianca asked, hoping he would ask her about it so she could explain. “Never mind,” he said, turning away. “Wait. Roman. What is it?” Bianca put her hand gently on his shoulder to stop him and he turned, but just for a second. She lifted it off quickly when she felt his warmth and a jolt of energy that seemed to come off him and she stepped back catching herself. Roman turned back around when she did that, touching his hand to his shoulder where her hand had just been. Did he feel that too? she wondered. But Roman’s eyes were looking at her harshly once more. But why? His eyes were fire looking into hers, burning right through her. Bianca felt her cheeks burn but refused to look away in case he decided to walk off again. She

wanted to keep Roman in front of her as long as she could. He was a dream, an illusion, threatening to fade away in an instant. Roman didn’t turn away again, but she watched him wrestle with his thoughts as his eyes darted around. Bianca yearned to know what those thoughts were exactly. “What are you doing here anyway?” He asked, apparently deciding not to ask about the ring after all. “Do you live in the city?” “No, I’m here for…” She started to respond. And then Bianca realized something. Caleb, she thought. Looking at her dying cell phone screen, the time read 10:00 a.m. on the dot. It was time. She needed to go. Then she realized something else. She thought quickly and decided to take a chance. “Listen, Roman, I know this is going to sound really strange, and it’s not what you think, but I need your phone number.” “What? I don’t know what you’re thin—” Roman started to protest. “I know, it’s not that,” Bianca cut him off, widening her eyes with earnestly. “I promise, I’ll explain later.” Roman didn’t look at her funny. He didn’t snicker, and he didn’t flinch. He pulled out his phone and typed in Bianca’s number as she ran it off to him. Then he took hers. He may be angry at me for something, but he still trusts me. Bianca silently held the small victory. What could it be other than a sign? Finding Caleb and Roman on the same day. The process was easier than Bianca expected and she wasn’t sure why. She had more than half expected Roman to sniff at her and walk away, but he had just given her his number without a word. She had gotten the answer to her question so easily that Bianca wanted to ask him more questions. The most prominent one; Do you still think about me like I think about you? The thought popped into her head so hard and so quickly, Bianca had to shake her head to get them to back off so she could focus. She couldn’t ask him, at least not right now. “Thank you,” Bianca said loudly to Roman as he walked off.

Roman raised his right hand indifferently as a symbol that he had heard but did not turn around. It felt oddly familiar, Bianca got a weird sensation in the pit of her stomach. Everything inside her wanted to chase him. To barrel forward and stop him, to beg him not to leave. To stand in front of her forever. It felt exactly the same way it had watching him disappear all those years ago. Watching her mother disappear before that. But Bianca had chased her mother, pleaded with her, screamed for her until the car lights faded from view. The encounter stung her, a vivid memoir of historic heartache. It was tearing off an old scab she thought had healed, but was still a crater deep. But Bianca didn’t have time to think about that now. Destiny was waiting, and his name was Caleb. Bianca ran like lightning to her truck, dropping her keys twice onto the floor of the vehicle as she tried to shove them into the ignition. Her hands shook, and she had to take a monstrous deep breath and tell herself to calm down before she gently and slowly slid the keys into the ignition and turned. The lighthouse piece on her dash jiggled encouragingly when the truck started. She smiled at it. The intersection lights mocked her, turning red every time she pulled up to one. Her dash said 10:13 a.m. and although she knew Caleb and his foster parents weren’t exactly expecting her, Bianca still felt that she was late somehow. Maybe it was because of Tobi. Turning back onto the residential street she had been on the night before looked more daunting in broad daylight. As Bianca’s truck carefully drifted along the busy street, she watched as happy children drew with chalk along the sidewalk. Two girls were jumping rope and laughing in a driveway. A boy, a bit smaller than Tobi, with jet black hair was setting up, what seemed to be, a makeshift skateboard ramp with a piece of scrap plywood; it looked doomed to fail. Bianca reminded herself of her grandfather’s words. And she breathed. In. And out. In. And out. Over and over. But it wasn’t helping this time, Bianca felt incredibly out of place. She could never live in a neighborhood like this, and she knew for a fact she did not belong here. Should she really be throwing herself into her son’s life? This looked like a great street. What if his foster parents were great people while she was just a mess with nothing to offer him? But what if

they aren’t? They are foster parents after all, and he was supposed to be adopted. Bianca reminded herself and the worry set back in. Good or bad, she needed to know what her son’s life was like. Bianca pulled up and parked across the street from the house where she had been the night before. Now that it was daytime, Bianca could see the vast, vacant field across the street from the foster house. She could see a few speckles of children’s heads bopping along among the tall plants as they played far out in the field. “Woooooooooooooo.” Bianca let out a low deep breath, rubbing her hands together, pressing her thumbs along her knuckles as they turned white under the force. She picked up her lighthouse piece, squeezed it and put it back down. It didn’t help, so she picked the piece back up and stuffed it in her pocket inside. Bianca needed as much help as she could get today. She needed her grandfather with her, and this was as close as she was going to get. “Nike. Nike, Nike, Nike,” Bianca whispered the brand name under breath again and again. Just do it, Bianca, just freaking do it, she said in her head. She finally opened the truck door and stepped out onto the street. The coastal weather had given her a beautiful day and the sun shone down on her as she walked toward the house. Walking up the last three steps to the door was the most difficult part. Her knees began to shake and she couldn’t hear her own thoughts over the pounding of her heart. She felt like she was going to fall over, there was nothing to steady herself on, she was trying to use her own strength, but in that moment, it was incredibly hard to find. Knock, knock, knock. Bianca knocked on the door when she reached it without hesitation and without thinking. It was the only way to do it without chickening out. Like jumping into a pool before you dip a toe in and realize how cold it is. She didn’t have to wait long before the door sprung open immediately, with a small, smiling Tobi looking up at her. She smiled back, happy to see a familiar face. His presence calmed her down. She knew she would have a friend through this. “Hi!” he said to her, grinning to show all his teeth, and opened the door wider.

“Hi,” she said back, softer, still smiling nervously. She didn’t step in the open door, even as he moved aside. “I think you should probably go and get your foster parents before I come in,” Bianca reminded him quietly. “Oh, ya,” said Tobi. He left the door open as he walked down the wide tiled hallway to the back of the house. She heard him speaking softly to someone for a short time before an incredibly cheery looking woman rushed over to the door. She shuffled her feet along the floor as she half ran. She was a bit overweight and not very tall, about a head shorter than Bianca. She wore a flowery apron that she was wiping her hands on as she moved. She had dark blonde hair with a fair bit of grey. If Bianca had to guess, she’d say she looked in about her late fifties. “Hello!” The woman said in an almost shrill voice. The only word that Bianca could think of to describe her was jolly. The woman could have believably portrayed a young “Mrs. Claus” to a mall Santa. She had round happy cheeks, with the deepest dimples she had ever seen. Her eyes sparkled with sincerity. “Tobi says your name is Bianca, and you’re Caleb’s mother.” Bianca was stunned. She had not expected them to know who she was. “Yes.” Bianca glanced sideways at Tobi, curious, and he shrugged his shoulders and held up his hands in a “what-can-you-do?” way, tilting his head with a slight smile on his face. Bianca guessed Tobi had decided to tell his foster mother about his late night walk anyway. The woman stuck out her hand, and Bianca raised hers to meet it. She had large, perceptive eyes and what seemed like a permanent smile on her face. The woman grabbed Bianca’s hand with both of hers and shook firmly and vigorously. Bianca’s shoulders shook along with her hand. She tried to relax, but nervousness caused her body to move stiffly. The woman seemed to sense Bianca’s resistance and pulled back, releasing hands and pulling her hands up into a ball under her chin that was pulled tight with her wide, genuine smile. “I am so sorry,” she said quietly. “I’m Madeliene Bound, but please, call me Maddy, everyone does. I am Caleb and Tobi’s foster mother,” Maddy explained excitedly.

“It’s okay. I’m just, I’m really nervous,” Bianca explained, rubbing her hands together. “Of course, of course. To be expected.” Maddy nodded. Her eyes projected a caring and sensitivity that Bianca really hadn’t expected. Nor had she expected to feel so happy to meet this lovely woman. “Would I possibly be able to meet Caleb?” Bianca asked cautiously, afraid of the answer. No matter what it ended up being, it would still be terrifying. “Please come in.” Maddy stood to the side of the open door and bent her arm at a ninety-degree angle to usher Bianca in. But Maddy didn’t answer her question and that made Bianca nervous. She followed the stranger into her house. Bianca tried to look around, but she couldn’t focus on any details other than Maddy’s face. Searching her eyes for the answer to her question, but they were looking toward the floor. “Caleb is out at the moment. I sent him to the park with his friends when Tobi told me about you. I just wanted to speak to you first to make sure it was in Caleb’s best interest. You understand,” Maddy explained, averting Bianca’s gaze. Bianca rubbed her hands together. She sat down carefully on the sofa in Maddy’s living room, painfully over-aware of all her actions. Maddy stood with her arms crossed by the front door. “You didn’t want to go?” Bianca was extremely disappointed, but she gave a tiny smile to Tobi. “No.” He shook his head. “I helped solve this mystery. I wanted to be here!” “Yes, by breaking the rules,” Maddy said seriously, taking a few steps forward and raising an eyebrow. Tobi rolled his eyes and went sulking into the hallway. Maddy sighed. “Does he do that often?” “There was a time….” Maddy stopped.

Bianca watched her think. Possibly wondering how much information she wanted to give out. She rubbed her lipstick pink lips together and looked at the ceiling before continuing. “Tobi lived with his birth mother for a short period of time a little while ago. He developed the habit while staying there.” Bianca nodded, and she didn’t press anymore. Bianca didn’t have any more questions about Tobi, but she had a million more questions about Caleb. “I see.” Was all Bianca managed to choke out as her eyes spilled over. She really, really hadn’t expected this. This woman obviously cared for Caleb and was extremely intuitive and understanding with her feelings as well. What was she doing? Why was she dropping a bomb into this child’s life? “Oh dear, what is it?” Maddy immediately comforted Bianca, putting a hand gently onto her shoulder, guiding her. She walked over to Bianca and sat beside her on the tan, fluffy sectional sofa as she sobbed, not saying a word, just waiting patiently for Bianca to let it out and calm down. “I just, I ju—I don’t know if I should be, be doing this,” Bianca whispered between sniffles, “I am SO sorry for barging in here. I know I don’t deserve to come crashing into Caleb’s life. I just—I needed to know—” Bianca sputtered off and sobbed under her breath. She surprised herself and took a deep inhale, trying to conceal all the emotions that she thought she had under control. Bianca tried to keep her intention in mind. To meet her son. To find out the truth. To be a positive part of his life, no matter how small that part might be. To let him know she was here for him if and when he needed her. Maybe even to show him the lighthouse and tell him about his namesake, his great grandfather. Maddy rubbed Bianca’s shoulder lightly as her sobs turned to sniffles. Maddy just nodded her head in silent understanding. “It’s okay, dear. It’s okay that you’re here”. Maddy’s excited voice had softened to just barely above a whisper as she tried to calm Bianca. “I’m sorry,” Bianca repeated as she regained control of herself.

“Stop apologizing.” Maddy chuckled. “I would be more worried if you came in completely put together.” Maddy took her hand off Bianca’s shoulder and smoothed her apron with both hands. “Thanks.” “But I need to know; how did you find us?” “I had to hired a private investigator.” Nothing but honesty would do at a time like this. “You didn’t go through the agency?” “No, they wouldn’t give me any information.” Maddy nodded, but the smile had gone from her face. She was fidgeting and looking at the floor. “What?” Bianca asked. “How can I know for sure that you’re Caleb’s mother? I mean, you hired a private investigator…they could have it all wrong.” When Maddy’s eyes met hers, it felt like a pull. Maddy wanted to believe her and Bianca had to find a way to prove it. She sat up straight, pushing her hair behind her eyes and settled into the couch. “I gave him a middle name, I don’t know if he still has it or…” Maddy smiled and tilted her head, urging her to continue. “Carl.” She stated and it was like a , an opening, a break. She heard Maddy sigh, and she nodded with her eyes closed. Bianca knew they were feeling the same feeling. Relief. So, Bianca kept talking, furiously trying to keep the momentum going. “I had Caleb when I was still a teenager.” She exhaled, bobbing her head and rubbing her hands together nervously. “I wasn’t ready then or even in the years after that, to be the mom he deserved.” She took another breath. “I made a lot of mistakes —too many. But I’m ready now. I may not ever be a mother to him, the way you are, and I don’t want to take him away from the life he has here but I want to be

a part of his life, I want to be there for him.” Bianca finished her monologue, having gotten it all out, and Maddy had been listening patiently and intently. “He has your eyes,” Maddy stated. Bianca teared up, and she felt a rising in her chest, the good kind. She needed to hear something else. “And I think I would be comfortable allowing Caleb to meet you.” “Thank you!” Bianca broke out in a wide smile. Her teeth chattered with the intense joy. This was the happiest that she had felt in a long time. It was going to happen; she was going to get to meet her son. Maddy chuckled and smiled fondly at Bianca. “Why don’t you come back around dinner?” said Maddy. Bianca’s heart sank a little as she nodded, complacently. She felt so impatient. She was hoping to meet Caleb this morning. But Bianca was in it for the long haul, willing to play by Maddy’s rules, whatever they were. “Of course,” said Bianca understandingly, but she couldn’t hide her disappointment. Bianca recited her phone number to Maddy when requested, in a daze. Nothing felt real. Bianca stood up off the fluffy couch and turned to walk toward the front door, when Tobi emerged from the hallway, which must have led to the kitchen. He held a frosty glass of ice water. It looked as though he had been holding it for a while as it was dripping condensation, and Bianca realized he had been waiting for them to finish the conversation. He hadn’t interrupted. Tobi held it out to her and Bianca took it from him gratefully. Her mouth was bone dry, but she hadn’t realized it until she had water right in front of her face. “I thought you could use this,” Tobi said. His face projected a mix of emotion and understanding that made him seem well beyond his years. “You are very thoughtful,” she said graciously to Tobi, and she turned back toward Maddy to say, “you’ve got a great kid here.” Clear love beamed in Maddy’s eyes as she looked toward Tobi. “I’ve got two great kids,” Maddy replied, and Bianca chugged her water; emotions can make you thirsty.

10

Chapter 10

Maddy’s eyes burned when Bianca walked out the door after the brief visit. Tobi hopped up and down as soon as the door shut. He danced around the room wiggling his butt like a dancing five-year-old. “Caleb’s gonna be haaaappy!” He sang over and over again. Caleb’s goofy sense of humor filled the house, making it impossible not to smile. It made Maddy giggle but also made her scared. She knew nothing about this woman, but it seemed to Maddy, perfectly impossible to not believe she was Caleb’s mother. Never mind knowing his middle name, they looked exactly the same. Her eyes, her smile, the expression she made when asking a question. There was not a doubt in Maddy’s mind that Bianca was Caleb’s mother. The question remained, who was she really? Maddy exhaled. Only time would tell. The heartsickness of foster parenting. Maddy knew all about it. Tobi’s mother certainly shared his eyes, but she wasn’t a mother to him at all. A couple years back, she had regained custody of Tobi, claiming to the courts that she was sober. But the few months Tobi spent with her had been chaotic and traumatizing. Tobi left the home every night to walk the streets as a terrified nine-year-old, revealing to Maddy later on that the rampant drug use in the home had been downright horrifying and dangerous. It broke Maddy’s heart, and even though it didn’t take long for her to get Tobi back into the home, it did take a long time to get him back to himself. And even though he lived in a safe place now, the habit of walking the streets at night stuck. Maddy was determined to see through those types of lies now, her sons didn’t need any more trauma. The last few months had been a whirlwind for their small family. It had been just her and the boys for the better part of a year. She was having a hard time staying strong for Caleb and Tobi, but by-golly she was more than determined to do so.

Unfortunately, Maddy was also having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, or even her next step in the dark. Her world was becoming more complex by the moment. Maddy patted the still dancing Tobi on the shoulder and ascended the staircase, carrying her worry with her like a backpack. Her shoulders slumped forward, and she dragged her feet on the floor as Tobi disappeared from view. Exhaustion overtook her as she finally reached her room and she barely made it to the bed before she succumbed to it. Her arms shook as she reached for a fluffy down pillow to hold onto. She masked her tears behind it, gripping the fabric tightly, and cried. Maddy cried until her eyes stopped burning, until all her feelings were just wetness on the pillow. Until she was numb to it. All she could hope was that Bianca wasn’t here to rip Caleb away like Tobi’s mother had done. From their earlier conversation, Maddy got the feeling that wasn’t the case, but it would continue being her fear. Maddy had been a mother to Caleb for nearly his entire life, and she wasn’t ready to let go of him. Maddy had Tobi and Caleb, but she was the only adult, the only person she had to rely on. And she was falling apart. Maddy heard Tobi going about his business downstairs, and she knew he would fix himself something to eat and plant himself on the couch when she was gone. He was very self-sufficient. Maddy knew Tobi felt safe and knew his limits in the house, so she could afford to fall apart for a little while. A face stared back at her from the picture frame on her bed side table, the face smiled and the waves, frozen in rising, claimed the background. Maddy ed that day. The ocean pushed against the shore and Maddy held his hand and they walked along the beach. Large rocks piled atop each other with white splashes of water trying to push them over. Maddy watched the waves trying, knowing the rocks would never give in. They reminded her of him. He was strong, he never failed her, but he was not arrogant. He was gallant and brave, but he blended in, like the grey rock. He looked like a normal man, no one knew he was her savior. She had been standing alone, before he had come like a ship in the night, only longing to stand beside her. The love, trust and calmness between them was unmatched by anything Maddy had felt in her entire life. The loyalty was irrevocable; and it went both ways. His shaggy blond hair flew all over with the wind. Nearly black eyes, like the

night but with stars. An equally blonde moustache that was almost comically large. The kindest smile you would ever see in your life. Perpetual overalls, as was the uniform of a fisherman. “I want children, our beautiful children, running all over the house. I want to make memories, we will have the most beautiful life. I want us to be family, Maddy, marry me?” Maddy had turned around and Charlie was down on one knee with the prettiest, most perfect little diamond she had ever seen. “There’s something you should know, Charlie.” Maddy was breathless, she wanted to scream yes, but she needed to say something else first. “I don’t think I can have children…. The accident.” Maddy put her hand over the scar on her stomach, feeling the stitches that held her together where the steel went through her. She cringed as she ed the day after when she found out how much damage had been done. Maddy had been just a child then, alone in the world after that day. “Madeline, my love, we will try. And if our family is only meant to be two,” Charlie gave a playful smile, “then I will be content. There is no one else for me, the offer still stands.” Charlie winked and Maddy had swooned, she nodded exuberantly. Charlie had picked her up and swung her in rhythm with the wind and waves. “Family?” Charlie had whispered in her ear. “Family.” Maddy responded, never more sure. The recollection of that conversation was as clear as water, every detail unhindered. He would live in her heart forever, the only place where she could still visit him, never again to be anywhere else. The sound of loud, snorting laughter pulled Maddy from her thoughts. Unaware as to how long she had been lost in thought, she went down the stairs, and came upon Caleb and Tobi, sitting on the couch, each holding a bowl of mac and cheese, laughing hysterically at a cartoon rabbit causing all kinds of trouble to a background of classical music. “Mom!” Tobi beckoned. “I knew you were resting, so I made lunch like you taught me!” He grinned at her proudly. “He didn’t even burn anything.” Caleb sounded impressed, staring at the tv as he

stuffed another spoonful of food in his mouth. “And I ed your rule about always having vegetables at lunch, so I put some frozen peas in it too.” Caleb explained. “I made enough for everyone, it’s on the stove.” Maddy walked over to Tobi and Caleb and pulled them in for a tight group hug. She felt so lucky. No matter what life threw their way, she was going to protect her boys. “You are the best family,” she said to her sons.

11

Chapter 11

Trevor wasn’t expecting to find Bianca at the end of the long gravel road in the little house by the sea. She was smart enough to know when to get out of dodge. What he wasn’t expecting was to find his stuff thrown all over the lawn like trash. Trevor got out of his sedan, slamming the door so hard he chipped the paint, but he didn’t notice that. She didn’t even bother to put it in a box or anything! He seethed. There was a large cardboard box lying beside the porch, but it was empty, broken and crushed. Trevor picked up one of his expensive razors off the ground. It was caked in dirt and wet from the morning dew. He tossed it aside, leaving it lying on the lawn without a care. Next he noticed his upscale work dress shirts, lying a mess in the mud and he ran over, picking them up and holding them out to inspect one by one. Covered in dirt, wrinkled to death. Bianca had left the hangers in them and some had torn, they had points jutting out at all angles. His poor wardrobe. “Ugh…” Trevor grunted as he shoved the dress shirts into the back of the only rental car he could afford. An old silver cavalier, Trevor was worried the bottom would drop out of the car as he was driving up, as he could hear every rock beneath it, like there was nothing but air between him and the road. He did not bother to use the cardboard box that Bianca had so graciously provided him with. Apparently, she really thought it was over. Trevor knew already it was locked, but he stalked over to the front door anyway. He grabbed the handle and twisted as hard as he could, right and left, pushing the door in and even knocking it with his shoulder. It didn’t budge. The house stood strong against Trevor, backing up Bianca in its inanimate object sort of way. Trevor growled through his teeth again.

This is not over. She can’t just leave me after all I’ve done for her! Bianca’s truck wasn’t there, but Trevor looked into the trees in the forest, making sure it wasn’t hiding somewhere parked. “BIANCA,” he screamed. “BEE!” “BEEEEE! Beeeeeee!” he yelled for her and ran around the house, checked windows and latches and anything on ground level that would let him in the house. She has to be here. She can’t just leave me like this. Feeling more desperate every second, Trevor ran into the trees, grabbing as large a rock as he could find and ran toward the front window. Trevor held up the rock like a samurai wielding a deadly weapon above his head, ready to attack with grace and precision. But Trevor was not a samurai, and he certainly didn’t have the courage of one. He dropped the rock on the porch, dropping to his knees. Then Trevor did something he never did. Something he hadn’t done in years. Trevor sat on the edge of the porch of the woman he’d loved for so many years, and he cried. He cried until his eyes burned. He cried because he realized what he had lost. He cried because he realized he was the same sort of person as his mother: a hateful, angry, and controlling person. All he ever wanted was happiness, but instead of allowing Bianca to give him that of her own accord, he had found his happiness in the power over their relationship. Trevor was not stupid, he could realize this about himself, but he couldn’t help what felt good. And he couldn’t help that he was smarter than Bianca either. I may be bossy, Trevor itted to himself, but I am also right! The compunction faded out of Trevor quickly. He was right. Trevor calmed himself, self-control finally settling over him like a weighted blanket. His hands stopped shaking, his nose stopped running and his breathing slowed to a steady hum. Bianca, I am going to find you and we will be together again. Trevor vowed a silent promise as his eyes turned to focused ice. As he headed toward, the driveway the road ahead seemed smooth and abiding. He stood up to dust himself off, when he noticed a small scrap of wrinkled to death paper hiding just beneath the wheel of his rental car.

12

Chapter 12

Bianca didn’t know what to do with herself. She had to wait the entire day for dinner to come, and the city was having an unusual day of heat and full sun. Bianca had been driving around for an hour, but it was only eleven thirty. She wasn’t due to go back to Caleb’s until 6:00 p.m. She couldn’t go back to her house, it’d be a waste of a drive, and who knows when Trevor would show up to find his shit. She did not want to be there when that happened. She never was much of a shopper, so the mall didn’t appeal to her at all. Besides, she was too stressed, and she did not make good purchasing decisions when she was stressed. So Bianca had left her truck by the pier and walked through the city. A memorial park lined with colorful benches and picnic tables felt like a hidden oasis in the middle of the big city. A street sign read “Argyle Avenue.” Bianca blew out a breath as she slumped on a cerulean blue bench under a mature oak tree that offered a cover of shade. She should have planned this out better, but really, Bianca knew she was a type B personality and the word “planning” did not work well in her vocabulary. I guess that would explain the unplanned pregnancy. Ha! Bianca laughed at her own thoughts, and mistakes, and failures as they ran through her head. She had many times wished she was a planner, but you can’t change your nature. Bianca was stressed, and her phone was on the verge of dying. It was a problem she didn’t quite know how to solve. Sure, she could buy a charger, but where would she plug it in? The old Chevy’s lighter plug had stopped working long ago, and she was fairly certain that most stores would frown upon her loitering long enough to charge her cell up again. Bianca had too much time to do nothing but think. She tapped her feet nervously against the bench legs as she rolled a cigarette between her thumb and index finger. The smoke she had ten minutes ago had helped, but only while she was

smoking it. “Fuck,” she whispered as she stuck another cigarette between her lips, submitting to the stress induced craving and lighting it with shaking hands. The pull of the smoke into her lungs consoling her. Her shoulders fell and she felt her restlessness abate. She knew it was transient, but she let herself enjoy it anyways. One moment at a time, take a breath. Her phone dinged as she blew out a mouth full of smoke. The battery said “eleven percent.” She tilted the phone screen toward her, and it showed the name Roman beneath. The relief was fleeting. “WHAT?” Bianca yelled out in shock and then immediately looked up to make sure no one was around. A couple walking their dog looked at her with annoyance, like she was an unwelcome clown juggling avocados. “Sorry, sorry,” Bianca murmured, giving a small wave above her ducked head before diving back toward her phone. She tossed the nearly full cigarette on the ground and crunched it with her shoe. She clasped her hands over her mouth as she entered the number code to unlock the phone, but she was shaking so much she didn’t get it open until the third try. The blood rushed from Bianca’s fingers and she struggled with the numbness as she swiped to open the text. Realizing her panic was not helping her, she inhaled deeply, closing her eyes, and regaining composure before tapping the text open with steady hands. Roman: Hey, I was rude to you on the docks and wanted to say sorry. It’s childish of me to still be sour about you leaving me for that guy. Hope all is well with you. Bianca’s eyes welled up again, and she squeezed them shut as hard as she could against the tears. God! What is wrong with me today? Why am I crying at everything? Bianca hadn’t forgotten what a wonderful guy Roman was. The old way her heart beat for him didn’t feel the same as now. She had never stopped thinking about him, how could she? He was the father of her child, but it was more than

that. Roman was more than that. His apology was not surprising to her at all. What was surprising was the reason. She hadn’t left him for anyone. Bianca had been madly in love with him. He didn’t want to break up, but Bianca insisted. She was unable to hold Roman back from his dream but also unable to follow him, as she was a year younger than him and not yet out of high school. Roman had never ed her afterwards, neither had Bianca, not that she hadn’t tried. She had called him a few times, but when he ignored her calls, Bianca stopped trying out of shame. Bianca had guessed he had found someone new at college, and she didn’t want to look like the pathetic, desperate leftbehind who just kept calling. But that’s just what she was; left behind. However, she couldn’t stop thinking that they were destined to be together, even after meeting and marrying Trevor. “I didn’t leave him for anyone. So what the hell is he talking about?” Bianca murmured to herself after checking the vicinity for trail-walkers. Apology accepted, but I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about Roman, I didn’t leave you for another man. I didn’t meet Trevor until months after you left. Bianca’s phone dinged almost immediately. Bianca, you itted to cheating on me! You convinced me of it, and now you’re changing your story? I’ve lived with that information for years, now you’re telling me it’s not true? Bianca’s head spiraled staring at her phone screen. What in the hell is going on? she thought. She didn’t know how to answer that, or convince him that it wasn’t true, because it happened eleven years ago and either way she was lacking evidence. The phone dinged again, but it wasn’t from a text, the phone was giving a warning; “Battery life at 5%”. Fuck, of course, perfect timing, she thought. Well, honesty it is then. Her fingers tapped ferociously as she replied as fast as she could to save the battery. Look, I’m sorry, but I have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about, and at

some point I would like to talk it out with you because I’m confused as all hell but my phone is going to die and I’m stuck in the city until tonight without a charger and I kind of need my battery to last. Her phone stayed silent. Bianca stared at it, willing it to light up with a reply, but fifteen minutes later it was still dark with no answer. Roman must think I’m full of shit, and I don’t blame him at all if he has actually spent all this time thinking I cheated on him. Bianca’s stomach rumbled over her thoughts, her mind giving way to hunger. Bianca got up off her bench and started walking through the trail toward the street. The Old Town clock sat at the top of the grassy hill above the trees. The hands stood reading 1:15 p.m., and Bianca was able to keep avoiding using her phone at all costs to preserve battery life. She trekked out of the park and into the bustling city once more. The streets were much more alive now, daytime. The small, colorful shops that lined the streets could only be those of the Canadian Maritimes. Although the architecture closely mimicked that of New England style cottages in the states, it had a different ambiance. Outside a small antique shop with a stone foundation leading up to its pristine navy blue siding, sat a small, pale, porcelain doll on a stack of boxes. The doll had two bright red braids and sported a happy gingham dress with a forest green apron. Her delicately painted eyes spoke to Bianca, who had no choice but to walk over to it. Bianca’s heart warmed as she thought of her grandfather when she picked up the doll. Nostalgia flowed through her as she turned it over in her hands. She was reliving memories that had dulled, but at that moment sprung back to life in full color in her mind. A ferry over the ocean to a small Island. Her grandfather held her hand as they gazed at glorious fields by the sea. Bianca’s juvenile mind was unable to comprehend that much beauty as she begged her grandfather for an ice cream. Carl did not look at her, taking in the views, as he explained to Bianca that she could have one later and squeezed her shoulders, gently telling her to look around and take in the beauty that was the island and the ocean. Bianca had seen something in him that day. A forlorn contriteness that Bianca couldn’t quite

. She couldn’t understand his quiet demeanor during that vacation. She had seen his shoulders slump, his eyes dim. She watched him try to laugh, but even as a child, Bianca could see that he was only doing it for her sake. Her grandfather was camouflaging something. A burden, a secret. She could see it weighing on him, for he was saddled with the same affliction as Bianca was. He was, in fact, likely the relative who ed in down to her. The incapacity to lie. Her grandfather wouldn’t tell her what was wrong, although she asked several times. It was as if he wanted to tell her, but he just couldn’t utter the words. But Bianca later learned she wouldn’t have to wait long to uncover this secret. It sat, staring her in the face as she and her grandfather made their way to the end of the long gravel driveway after their trip. Bianca used to have a doll just like the one she was holding. She got it on that very trip. But its life was short lived, and its perfect ceramic face shattered to pieces as it fell to the pavement when Bianca watched as her mother drove away. It was the last time she ever saw her mother. She was the first person to ever break Bianca’s heart. The first one to leave her. When Bianca and her grandfather had returned from the trip to the small island her mother had packed up her items into the tiny red SUV Bianca could see so clearly in her memory. “You belong here, Bia, but I don’t.” Bianca’s mother had sat in front of her, holding Bianca’s cheeks between her hands, wiping the tears that fell. “I couldn’t stand it growing up, the constant boredom, there is nothing here for me. Living in the city when you and your father were the best years of my life. After your father ed…moving back here… it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I have been miserable Bianca, I stayed for you, while you were little. I didn’t have a choice. I never imagined you would love it here so much.” Her mother’s cheeks were wet then too. “Mommy, please don’t leave!” Bianca had choked out to her in a tiny voice that didn’t sound like her own. “Bia, you can come with me if you truly want to, but would you really leave your grandfather? Would you really leave the lighthouse and the ocean?” Bianca’s mother had held fast to a nine year old Bianca’s face, looking her dead in the eyes.

Bianca had squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “I know,’’ her mother said, pulling her into a hug, enveloping her the distinctive scent that could belong only to her mother. “This place was always meant for you, not me.” “Please! Please don’t go!” Bianca pleaded again. But her mother did leave. The very first time Bianca had become a left-behind. The gravel cracking beneath the tires, the lighthouse’s lantern reflecting off the taillights. Bianca turned away, she couldn’t watch the vehicle finish its departure. The abandonment ripped through as Bianca stood strong, at only nine years old, on her own two feet. She had made the choice then, the one that kept the course of her life. Bianca felt angry, but full of pride. She felt like she had done the right thing. She looked to her grandfather, a silhouette in the sunset. The impending dusk darkened his face, but Bianca could still see the tears on his cheeks as sure as she felt the ones on hers. They did not speak, but instead, turned toward the lighthouse in unison and allowed it’s enduring stream of luminance to guide their way home. Bianca refused to speak to her mother after that. She ignored every phone call and never opened the letters that came, feeling abandoned but fiercely independent. She still believed her mother would come back to her, only then would she consider forgiving her. The return address labels said Fredericton, then Toronto, then Vancouver. Her mother was on the other side of the country, and Bianca wasn’t interested in what words her mother had put into the letters. They would all be lies as far as she was concerned and there was no use reading them. Her grandfather didn’t try to convince her, but asked if he could read them, a request which Bianca always granted. He was different after that, they both were. But they had each other, and they healed together, letting the little property by the sea fill their souls and their days. There was much work to be done, and Bianca learned as much as she could from her grandfather. The letters stopped coming after a few years, likely due to the lack of response and, Bianca secretly hoped, from shame. Bianca grew to see her grandfather as a parent figure while her mother was off living her own life. She never did come back to the lighthouse or Bianca. Bianca lost the anger over the years, she had let

it go. But the trust…she never gained it back. The fear of abandonment, of being alone…that stayed with her to this day it stayed with Bianca. She gained perspective as she grew older, and while she no longer felt angry, she also had no interest in rekindling a relationship with her mother. She had made her choice, and Bianca had made hers. When she felt herself losing control of her emotions, Bianca put the doll back. This is not what I am here for. She thought, not wanting to incite a cry on a public street. Bianca pushed down all the feelings of regret, fear and loneliness and she kept walking down the shop lined street. Bianca had chosen her grandfather, Carl. She could never be sure if it was the right choice, sometimes she wondered what the other choice would have looked like for her. She had chosen a simple life learning from him, the little house by the sea. She had chosen the wind whipping through her hair as she climbed on the rocks. She had chosen the vivid sunsets echoing against the infinite mirror that was the ocean. She had chosen the quiet envelope of the onyx nights, when the beach was lit by only stars and the world was hers and hers alone. She had chosen the enchanting forest where her only boundary was the restriction of her own imagination. She had chosen the lantern room where she could see for miles and felt on top of the world. Bianca had chosen the lighthouse. And where am I now? Alone. Bianca thought. She had often wondered how she had ended up so alone. Was it a string of bad luck? Or was it a result of her own stubborn decisions? No. It didn’t matter anymore how Bianca had ended up there, it’s where she was, and she was going to deal with it. She was finished with her pity party. Bianca was ready to take charge of her own life and change her destiny. The smell of food pulled Bianca from her thoughts and her stomach rumbled it’s strong opinion. The Saturday atmosphere was alive with jubilant activity. People were talking and laughing, shopping and eating. Bianca smelled a lot of different types of food smells. There were restaurants all over this street. However, the first food that caught her eye was a hot dog vendor on a busy corner. Her mouth watered, a guilty indulgence just waiting to be devoured. After loading a dog with ketchup, mustard, chili peppers, relish, black olives, green olives, onions, pickles, and crushed potato chips. Bianca scarfed it down

with a bottle of dark bubbly soda and sat happily on a bench. She was willing to wait until dinner, even if her cell died, she could find her way back to Caleb’s house, she was sure. But then her phone buzzed and dinged in her pocket. She pulled it out, and Roman’s name flashed on the screen. Bianca’s heart leapt out of her chest. Roman: What kind of phone do you have? She wasted no time replying, although she was sure it would make her look as desperate as she felt. She replied curtly without hesitation: iPhone 6 If she was being honest with herself, she wouldn’t mind getting to see his face again. Bianca had pushed Roman out of her head for so long, letting him back in was like guzzling hot chicken noodle soup. Comforting warmth filling her up. Roman: If you’re stuck in the city, do you want to come over? I’ve got the same phone, you can charge up here and maybe we can talk because I’m confused too. Me too, thought Bianca, raking her hands through her hair. She had not expected that answer, but she liked it all the same. A charger and a plug? That could solve her problem. Her body warmed at the thought of seeing him again, but anxiety filled her too. What if he doesn’t believe that I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about? But she quickly decided the chance was worth it, and Bianca texted back immediately: Yes, I’d like that, send me your address. Roman: 1121 Waterton. It’s right off the main pier I saw you at. Bianca’s battery said 2% as she raced back to her trusty red Chevy that waited patiently for her in the parking lot. Even though the charging port no longer worked, she was confident that her truck would take her anywhere she needed to go. She patted it on the dash like it was a puppy instead of a vehicle and said a tiny truck prayer, hoping it would bring her the same luck that it had always brought her grandfather, who had it for over twenty years. She would need her GPS. She couldn’t let her battery die yet. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Bianca followed stop signs. She peeled out of the parking lot and onto the main road. The slow tick, tick, tick of

her turning signal seemed to blink in moments not seconds as she waited for her time to turn left back toward the pier she had been on that morning. She hadn’t felt this way in years. Excitement. Not disappointment in herself and her choices, not anger, not loneliness, but exhilaration. The belief that her life was turning around and she was finally pushing it where she wanted it to go instead of waiting for her life and the people in it to change for her. She ed the pier she had been on that morning and realized she had been in too much of a rush to turn on her GPS and type in Roman’s address. She didn’t know the city well enough to know every street. She pulled over and typed it into the map app and a robotic lady voice filled the quiet truck. Bianca’s anticipation broke and she was forced to focus on driving and where she was going. She followed the voice for several turns and weaved into a residential area. It was a race against time with her phone battery. Pulling up in front of a small, white sided house with an impeccably kept front lawn, Bianca pulled into the driveway and threw the truck into park as her phone lit up with an incoming call. Maddy’s name lit up on the screen. Bianca raced to answer the call, but as she slid the answer call button, the phone blacked out with the red battery signal blinking like a deadly skull and crossbones on her screen. “FUCK! Fuck, no. NO!” Bianca cursed at her phone. “Shit,” she said again as she tossed the dead phone onto her enger seat. What is Maddy going to think? It’s going to look like I’m blocking her call! What if she doesn’t let me meet Caleb now? I need to call her back! Bianca picked the phone back up and started pounding the home key, trying to force one last ounce of juice out of the phone, but the screen remained black. “Dear God. Please, please still let me meet my son, Maddy.” Bianca set her head down on the steering wheel and wished as hard as she could for forgiveness for forgetting her phone charger. For the second time in two days a knock on her truck window startled the hell out of Bianca. “Are you okay?” a voice asked through the glass. Bianca turned to see Roman’s concerned face staring at her through the window.

No, I’m not, but how do I even explain that to you of all people? Oh shit. I need to tell him. Bianca realized all at once. I’m here and I’m meeting our son today; I have to tell him. If I don’t, I am entirely a gigantic asshole. What is he going to say? Is he going to want to come with me tonight? I can’t just bring him out of the blue. Maddy is going to want to meet him first like she did with me. Bianca’s inner monologue had her staring straight at Roman’s face with an empty stare, and he was staring back at her with confusion instead of concern this time. “Bianca?” he said through the glass. She hadn’t even rolled down her window to greet him; she had frozen up so badly. Why did I come here? Why would I do this to myself? This is too much for one day! Bianca finally found her voice and opening her tuck door, Roman stepped back to let her out while waiting for an explanation. He always did have the patience of a saint and that hadn’t seemed to change. “Uhm, sorry,” Bianca said awkwardly. She realized her outburst was dramatic, the stress of the day was pulling at her patience. So much waiting, so many decisions. She hadn’t really thought through how to start this off, and Roman’s lips were incredibly distracting. “It’s alright. Are you okay?” Roman asked her. “I’m fine. I mean, kind of”. She tried to answer, but her brain was still scrambled. She had so much to say and absolutely no idea how to say it. “I really, really need to charge my phone, first thing if that’s ok. I had a really important call coming in, and I missed it, and I need to call them back ASAP.” she explained getting her bearings. Her son came first. Roman nodded understandingly. “Come on in,” he said, leading the way up to the front door. Bianca followed, unable to stop herself from examining the well-maintained house. The front door opened into a mudroom that led to a walk through galley kitchen, and the deceivingly small looking home opened into a back split. It was nicely decorated and mostly clean, but had dishes laying in the sink and coats laying haphazardly in the front entrance made it look lived in. The warm light of

the afternoon made the entryway a honey color. Bianca felt nervous but welcomed by the space. “This is really nice,” Bianca said as she noticed the sign that hung above the kitchen doorway. The sign had a bright red cardinal above the letters that read, “Home Sweet Home” and a flowery yellow border that surrounded the warm blue background. “Do you have a wife that decorates?” And if you do, why aren’t you wearing a ring? She tried to sound mildly curious in an I’m-just-making-conversation way, but it came out in more of a nervous just-tell-me-if-you’re-married way. And Roman didn’t miss a beat. “No wife,” he said with a chuckle. “All me here, but thanks. Want to come sit down? There’s a charger right by the sofa.” He lead her right where the mudroom ended and opened into a bright but narrow living room. More light spilled in happily through a big front window that was framed by sheer white curtains which illuminated the ivory walls and reflected off a sophisticated marble fireplace. The white and black veined marble looked cold and out of place in the warm aesthetic and Bianca assumed that it must have already been here when he moved in. The fireplace might be fancy, but Bianca recognized the old scratched oak coffee table that had been in Roman’s parents’ house. “I couldn’t let that thing go,” Roman said when he noticed her looking at it. “I have too many fond memories of dancing on it as a child and using it to climb onto places I wasn’t supposed to be.” He chuckled. She laughed too, but just barely. It felt like Bianca was walking backward in time, to what should have been. Like a life she should have lived that slipped out of her grasp. But what she saw next made Bianca smile: a hideous plaid armchair. That was more Roman’s taste. It sat in the corner looking like a comfortable old friend, facing the TV on an angle, ready to recline and allow you to fully relax. Bianca perched on the end of the sofa and desperately plugged her phone in. It was so dead it didn’t even light up to say it was charging. Bianca tried to turn it on but the exhausted phone didn’t give way; It was going to take some time. Bianca checked to make sure the other end was plugged into the wall since her

phone wouldn’t even give her notice that it was charging; It was definitely plugged in. Bianca slouched back in the soft fabric, and she realized how tired and sore her body was from sleeping only a few hours in her cramped truck. She lifted her left hand up and started massaging her own shoulder, rolling her neck back and forth, trying to loosen the muscles. Roman sat silently watching her. Bianca finally realized he was staring and sat up turning her body toward him. “What?” she said playfully with a small laugh. “You just, you look just like you did when I left,” he said. His eyes were locked on her face, but in a blink scanned the length of her body. Bianca felt a shiver down her spine. It was the good kind, and she hadn’t felt that in over a decade. Trevor had looked at her like a mannequin, but Roman looked at her like he was in the presence of a goddess, studying her curves with soft eyes instead of inspecting them. “Yes, with more stretch marks.” Bianca laughed then shut her mouth, realizing what she had said. “Wait, stretch marks? Oh, do you have kids?” he asked innocently enough, but it set Bianca’s heart on full throttle. Damn it! He was way too quick, and direct, and stupidly handsome. Bianca kept getting thrown off, out of her thoughts and saying things she didn’t mean to say. “Yes, I did”. Bianca decided to be direct right back. She cleared her throat because all of a sudden it felt like there was a grapefruit lodged in there. “Just one.” She managed to squeak out. She swallowed the ball of grapefruit-size anxiety. This was going to happen one way or another. She had kept it hidden for long enough, and she knew that part was her fault, even if he hadn’t answered any of her calls. She was about to find out why, and she was starting to think it wasn’t because he had fallen out of love with her like she had thought before. “That’s amazing, congratulations!” Roman sounded sincere, but there was an edge of disappointment. “What’s your husband’s name again?”

“Trevor,” Bianca answered honestly again, but she rolled her eyes when she said his name. “What? You don’t like the guy you married?” Roman laughed a small laugh, like he thought that she was being dramatic. “No, I don’t,” she answered deadpan and kept her eyes straight on Roman. She was suddenly stern. This conversation was going to happen. “Uhh…” Roman hesitated, and he tried to look away, obviously feeling awkward, but Bianca kept him locked in with her gaze. “He is also not the father of my child,” she continued. She was going to keep talking, but Roman cut her off. “Okay, wait, honestly? I never thought of you as a cheater, and it broke my heart when you did it to me. I didn’t believe it for years. I thought maybe you were just angry I left for school, but then you never called so I thought…. but Bianca, you’re just.. you’re who I thought you were.” Roman’s eyes hardened again, like they had at the pier. In the daylight, they had looked more guarded, but now, she could see every ounce of hurt pouring out of them. She could see the betrayal from a decade before still sitting deep. “No, no, Roman, that’s not it!” Bianca contested, but Roman had already gotten up and walked out of the room. “Roman, wait, ‘' she called, and followed him into the kitchen where he was leaning over the sink, his mouth angled downwards at the eyes, his eyebrow furrowed. “You can charge your phone, but then you have to leave. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” Roman stared into the sink as he said it, unable to look at Bianca. Her heart broke. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. “No,” Bianca ordered. “Roman, you need to come sit back down and listen to me. You’ve got it all wrong, and there are things you need to know.” Bianca would have never bossed Trevor around like that, but she wasn’t scared of Roman’s temper. She was only scared of leaving him hurt and confused. “Bianca, I ca—” he started.

“ROMAN!” Bianca cut him off. “You’re not listening to me. Please?” she asked desperately. “Please come and sit and let me finish, Roman.” Roman nodded and followed her back to their seats in the living room. “I didn’t cheat on my husband, and I didn’t cheat on you,” she started. “But the texts?” Roman asked. “I don’t know who sent you texts saying I cheated on you, and I don’t have any way to prove I didn’t. Please, look back at our relationship and the trust and love we had. Do you really think I would cheat on you? Never.” Bianca let her face look however it looked, she didn’t try and look more convincing, she knew her eyes would speak the truth and Roman would be able to see, if he would just look at her. Roman nodded. “Okay, I believe you”, he answered in a voice barely above a whisper, but he didn’t look up. “You do?” she questioned. That didn’t take much. “Yes, I do. Whoever was texting me back then had to really convince me. And it makes sense now that it wasn’t you because you refused to talk on the phone,” he explained, and he finally looked up and his eyes met hers. Bianca didn’t see the betrayal anymore. He really did believe her. “Wait,” Bianca stopped for a second and thought. “When was this? As far as I know, we didn’t speak after you left.” Bianca grimaced at him. Her cheeks burned red. “About eight months after I left.” “Fuck. It must have been Trevor. That’s the only thing that makes sense,” Bianca replied, thinking out loud. “Your husband,” Roman stated like a question. “Why would he do that?” “I don’t know.” Bianca stood and started pacing in front of Roman to think while Roman leaned back in his chair ready to listen. “I mean none of this makes sense! We had only been together two months at that point…..” Bianca’s voice

trailed off as she figured it out. “What is it?” Roman stood up. “What?” Bianca asked, she was lost in thought. “I know that look. You just thought of something, what is it?” Roman asked again. “It’s just…I know why he did it,” Bianca itted. “Okay, so…you gonna tell me?” Roman chuckled. He put his hands out, palms facing the sky. “It’s just…the baby I had.” “What does that have to do with it?” Roman stood like a statue with his arms out, innocently awaiting the information. “Well, the baby, he was yours.” “THE BABY WAS MINE?” Roman yelled, startling Bianca. She couldn’t ever hearing him yell before. “I have a child? Bianca! WE have a child together?” he question. “Wait a minute, hold on… How old is this kid? I’ve missed their whole life?” Roman fell back down into the arm chair and stared at her as he waited for answers. Bianca gave him a moment before continuing, and then she carefully crouched down on the floor in front of the armchair so she could be on eye level with him. She was so close to him now that she could smell his old familiar scent and her heart fluttered. “I’m so sorry.” She choked, looking him in the eyes. They were watery, but he remained silent “I tried to call you after I had him okay? I swear. You wouldn’t answer the phone, but that’s not an excuse.” Bianca sat on the floor when her ankles couldn’t take the crouching any longer. “I think, maybe, in my heart I really didn’t want to tell you.” Roman let out a deep breath that he had been holding the entire time that Bianca

spoke. She could see him getting upset, the worry lines in his forehead were showing. She felt the urge to hug him, to comfort him, but how could she? She was the one causing him pain. “You didn’t want to tell me?” Roman looked crushed, his lips quivered, his skin flushed, Bianca felt her heart breaking but she let it. Things needed to be broken to be put back together the right way. “I didn’t want that for you,” Bianca said earnestly. “You were so amazingly smart. You had this incredible opportunity staring you in the face. I wanted you to follow your dream and live your life. I didn’t want to pull you down, keep you in that tiny town.” “And why do you get to make that choice for me?” Roman could have been yelling, but he wasn’t, the more hurt he got, the lower his voice became, until he was nearly whispering. “It was my baby too. Why did you get to decide?” “Because you left,” Bianca stated. And the tears began to fall she couldn’t stop them anymore, they fell right out of her along with the truth. “You told me to—” “I know!” Bianca took a breath, and she steadied her voice but she couldn’t stop the tears. “I know I told you to go. I know that.” Bianca sniffed. “But you left. And if you really wanted to wait for me, you would have.” “Why didn’t you tell me that?” Roman asked quietly. “Because I loved you,” she whispered. “I loved my mother too. She disappeared.” Bianca put her hands to her face, feeling it all crash down around her. “I loved my grandfather.” “He never left, Bianca.” “He didn’t do it on purpose, but he did. He left when I needed him most.” Roman sat down beside Bianca on the floor. “I’m sorry,” he said, nudging her with his arm.

“I’m sorry too.” And she meant it. “Thanks.” Roman’s candid smile ignited her. It felt worlds better to air everything out. Roman let out a big breath and she could tell that he felt better too. “So…When did you—” “Right after you left. Maybe a month after…” Bianca cut him off, anticipating his question. She was searching her memory, trying to recall the details from the most stressful period of her life. Roman nodded, thinking. Bianca could see his brain working, his rational in stressful situations was one of the reasons she had loved him. It washed over her too. He was always calm, too calm. “Jesus. All that happened right after I left?” Roman asked with his brows raised up high in surprise. Bianca nodded. Roman held his hands together, his brows lowered, his eyes were in the distance. “Everything could be different right now if I had just answered the phone…” He trailed off again. “But, then again, I guess we ended up here together anyway.” Bianca smiled. He was right, but she didn’t know what to say next, so she just sat on the floor in silence. They both did for a few minutes, legs stretched out in front of them, their back leaning, side by side against the sofa. Roman was sitting so close that Bianca could feel the heat radiating off of him, the heat she ed from so long ago. The heat she had craved for so long. She savored it, her skin drank it in. “So wait, you said him?” Roman asked abruptly. “Hmm?” Bianca had her eyes closed. She was relaxing for the first time in a decade, so she didn’t Roman’s question. “You said the baby was a him earlier, I have a son?” he asked with a smile. Bianca didn’t open her eyes but smiled back at Roman. “We have a son.”

13

Chapter 13

The tea burned the back of Roman’s throat every time he took a sip. It was too hot to be drinking, but it didn’t bother Roman. The heat of the tea felt good, distracting from all the feelings he felt. The only woman he had ever loved had waltzed back into his life like a whirlwind. Every time he looked at her, all he could see was his high school sweetheart. She seemed much more mature, albeit a bit broken, but she was still every bit the brilliant, caring, independent woman he had fallen for. When he left for college, he had thought that she would be right behind him the following year. He thought that they would work things out and be together again. He hadn’t expected everything to go so wrong and for them to lose touch so quickly. He had loved her so deeply. He still did, and he knew that as soon as he saw her on the pier. He had put his guard up against his own feelings immediately. He didn’t want to get sucked back in; he still felt the betrayal. Roman was a good-looking man, and he hadn’t had any lack of potential suitors. He never had to look far. The woman at his work, married and unmarried, had all asked him to go out at least once. Sometimes covertly under the guise of a work related meeting, sometimes with very obvious intentions. Sometimes Roman said yes. Sometimes he went out and he let the woman do whatever they wanted to do. He never pushed; he never persuaded. He was a gentleman. He liked to have a good time too sometimes. But none of them had been Bianca, and he could never let her go. So he had submitted himself to what life had given him: a thriving career, a lovely house. It was a good life, but it was lonely. Never did he have the family he had always dreamed of, never would without Bianca. He wasn’t in denial. He thought about it all the time. He had even gone to therapy to try and move past the love he lost but nothing worked. Then she reappeared. Beauty as he had never seen. More beautiful than when they were young. She had aged like wine. Her eyes had gotten darker and

browner, they held soft laugh lines around the edges that he would love nothing more than to watch deepen with age. The smaller body she had when he had known her had grown into graceful, womanly curves that dipped and rose and turned like an ocean he wanted to explore. Bianca thought he should be angry and maybe another person would. But he understood her, how alone she would have felt, how scared she must have been. How many times she pushed him to take the program he wanted, even if it was far away, even if it meant breaking them apart. It was selfless. She was selfless and Roman knew that. Yes, he still loved her, and he knew that much for sure. What he didn’t know was absolutely anything about his son. Roman watched Bianca as she sat cross-legged on the floor and gingerly blew on her tea, waiting to drink it as she always had until it was lukewarm. It was like he was living in the past, but with the future Bianca who had more confidence, more emotion and a lot more mystery. “So, do we know his name then? You said you gave him up for adoption right?” Roman broke the silence. Bianca looked up from her tea and gave him a small smile. “Yes. I found him, but I haven’t met him yet,” she replied. “His name is Caleb.” “I love that name,” Roman said with a big, genuine smile. “Me too” “You named him?” She shook her head. “Not Caleb. Only a middle name. Carl.” “Your grandfather.” Roman said. She smiled at him. “I only held him for an hour before they took him away. They said the sooner the better to get him adopted, but then he never was and I still don’t know why,” Bianca said sadly. “It’s not your fault, you know. You did what you thought was the best for him even if it was hard for you.” Roman said to her, but he could see this wasn’t helping her. He could see the dullness in her eyes, she was holding guilt. Even

though Roman was still upset he didn’t know about his own child, he couldn’t stop the need to comfort her. Roman still sat beside her on the floor. He had been watching for any inkling that she didn’t want him invading her personal space, but when he moved the smallest bit closer, she pushed her hands against the floor and turned her body toward him, crossing her legs. Giving her full attention, she looked over at him. Roman had forgotten how she could do that. How she could give someone everything. It wasn’t like some people who, when you spoke to them, had their mind elsewhere. No, Bianca would laser focus her eyes on you and give every ounce of her thought over to what you were saying. It was almost unnerving at times. Roman almost placed his hand on her shoulder but at the last moment thought better of it. He wanted to be close to her but was terrified of scaring her off and out of his life again. Roman would be careful. “Bianca, you are not being fair to yourself. You must have been terrified, barely out of high school, pregnant, you didn’t have your grandfather, your boyfriend just left…” Roman rolled his eyes when he mentioned himself in the third person, it made Bianca laugh a little Bianca laugh that lit his memory on fire. He yearned to touch her again, but held fast on himself. Roman continued talking instead. “I should have been there for you. No wonder you were so vulnerable,” Roman said, and he meant it. “Even the strongest people break down sometimes.” Roman finished and sighed. He had always had guilt about leaving Bianca for college, but he never knew he had left her in such a bad way. He couldn’t be mad at her for giving up their child. He knew how hard it had been on her to let him leave. She was alone, and she had to make a choice. “So, you’re married, huh?” he asked, trying to switch to a lighter subject. He gave Bianca a playful smile trying to get her to smile back at him. She exhaled. “Separated now.” She stated and his heart fluttered. He didn’t sense any hesitation, but he asked anyway. “You’re sure?” “Oh, I’m sure.” Bianca laughed and then grew serious. “I spent eleven years without you,” Bianca stated suddenly, wiping laugh-induced tears from her eyes, looking at Roman. Roman didn’t answer her with words. Instead he moved slowly toward her,

asking her permission with his eyes, which she understood and nodded a small yes as his mouth met hers and fireworks from eleven years ago were re-ignited, exploding between them. Bright, strong and spectacular. The ding of Bianca’s phone finally coming back to life broke their bubble of intimacy. “Oh, my God. Maddy!” Bianca released Roman and jumped up. He almost fell forward on his face, unable to bring himself out of the moment. “Who’s Maddy?” he asked absently, touching his fingers to his lips. Did that really just happen? “Caleb’s foster mother. That’s the call I was having a fit about when I pulled into your driveway.” Bianca rolled her eyes at herself as she furiously tapped at her phone as she tried to unlock it, her mind on a different track completely. “Well, call her back!” Roman instructed urgently, rushing over to Bianca, being nosy and looking over her shoulder at the phone screen. “What do you think I’m trying to do?” Bianca laughed at Roman’s intensity and tilted the screen toward him to let him see she was telling the truth. Finally unlocking the phone, she pressed Maddy’s and the call screen came up. Placing the phone to her ear, Bianca put a finger to her lips, indicating to Roman to be quiet. He nodded and did as he was bid, but noticed her finger lingering, touching her mouth the same way he had, and wondered if she had the same thought. “Hi! Maddy? I’m really sorry, my phone died and—” Bianca stopped talking as the person on the other end cut her off. Bianca furrowed her brows, breaking eye with Roman and walked over to the fireplace, setting her hand on the cold marble. Roman couldn’t help but follow at her heels. He felt like a teenager, in love again, chasing Bianca around like a puppy. “Yes. No, that’s okay.” Bianca nodded. Roman watched her hair and her eyes as she moved. She was beautiful.

“No. No, I’m not. Don’t worry,” Bianca said with a light laugh. Roman had to smile when she laughed. It felt like their emotions were attached to each other. “Thank you, though.” She was silent as she spun around, turning to face Roman. Her eyes conveyed some emotion, but he couldn’t read it. “Really?” She clamped her hand over her mouth. “You’re sure?” Her voice shook. Roman couldn’t tell if it was from happiness or distress, so he stepped toward her, but Bianca stopped him, grabbing his hand, squeezing. Roman jolted, but he hadn’t meant to, her touch sent electric ion through him. He squeezed back and stood beside her, waiting. “Thank you Maddy, I’ll see you at six.” Bianca hung up the phone and collapsed on the fireplace hearth. “Bianca!” Roman dropped down beside her, partially out of concern and partially because he didn’t have a choice; she was still squeezing his hand. “He wants to meet me!” Bianca practically yelled, her eyes bright with excitement and disbelief. Roman felt the excitement too although he wasn’t quite sure why. “What? Who?” Roman asked, his brain unable to concentrate on anything but the warmth emanating from Bianca’s hand. “What do you mean who? Caleb, Roman! Caleb!” Bianca reached out and pulled Roman into an embrace like he had never felt before, and he hugged her back. “Bianca, that’s amazing! When do you get to meet him?” Finally given a reason for the excitement he was feeling. “Tonight!” she answered.

14

Chapter 14

“Please? Please?” Roman begged an hour later, hands together in prayer formation, looking equal parts adorable and pathetic. “I will literally get on my knees. Will that help?” His eyes were soft and emotional, but also wide and focused. Bianca felt like he was pushing in the gentlest way possible, and she certainly couldn’t blame him for it. It was 5:02 p.m. If Bianca’s calculations were correct, it was an approximate eighteen minute drive back to Caleb’s home, and there was no way in hell Bianca was going to be anything less than fifteen minutes early. She would need those minutes sitting outside in her truck to build up the courage to actually go inside to face her son. That left about twenty-five minutes to deal with Roman’s current, understandable breakdown. “Roman, I told you already, we cannot both just show up. I’m already throwing the poor kid and his family through a loop by barging in like this, and Maddy will want to meet you first.” Bianca crossed her arms lightly and gave Roman a small smile, letting him know that she wasn’t trying to be cruel to him. If she could, Bianca would give into anything Roman wanted when he looked at her that way. His eyes were melting, capable of convincing her to do just about anything, but this thing he wanted was far out of her control and Bianca knew that it wasn’t her decision to make. “I’m glad you told me, Bianca, but now my brain is absolutely losing its shit. All the little parts that all have different thoughts are trying to detach themselves from each other to wrap around this information.” Roman spun himself around in a circle dramatically before landing on the couch. Bianca giggled at him. His goofball sense of humor was adorable. He made her world brighter, and she hoped he would stay in it.

“Look. I know. I realize this is all a lot, and I still cannot believe we met on this actual day; it has to be a sign. I swear I am going to tell Caleb about you and ask his foster mom to meet you today. You deserve to meet him too, but I cannot bring you right now, okay?” Bianca’s eyes searched for Roman’s to make . To show him she meant it and that everything she said was true. Roman exhaled deeply, crossing his arms, then uncrossed them again. He met Bianca’s eyes and smiled at her. Bianca felt the fireworks again before his lips even touched hers, and then his hands were in her hair and on her waist and every spot they touched left a trail of sweet fire, like cinnamon on the tongue. She couldn’t let go and she didn’t want to, every inch of her finally felt right. There was no more argument between her head and her heart, no more having to convince herself that things were going well. She felt it, she felt everything, every drop of ion Roman was doling out, Bianca was drinking it. The kiss didn’t last nearly long enough for Bianca. They had eleven years of kissing to make up for. But Caleb came first, always. Roman put his head on her shoulder, and wrapped his arms around her waist, breathing heavily into Bianca’s neck. He knew why she had stopped. She didn’t have to say anything. Roman would never push Bianca, she trusted him completely with her heart and she felt like she had already placed it back in his hands, certain he wouldn’t break it. “You know…” Roman gave her a playful smirk. “I always wanted to have kids with you.” He pulled back and put his hand softly on the small of her back, gently leading her through the kitchen, pushing her toward the front door. “Well, you got your wish, and you didn’t even know it.” Bianca joked back, but her voice shook. The anticipation hung in the air. “Good luck meeting our son; if he’s got any part of your genes, he will be amazing.” Roman told her in a serious tone. Bianca didn’t have any words left to say to Roman. She was sorry she had wasted so much time with Trevor. She was sorry she had never told him about the baby, and she was incredibly sorry she hadn’t tried harder to him after he had left. But she didn’t have time to say any of that right now. Her phone said it was 5:22 p.m., and she had to go; she could see that Roman knew that. So instead of words, they exchanged a look that re-connected them

through their souls. Bianca felt in that second, that things had changed forever, and she knew with her entire heart, that she would never be alone again.

15

Chapter 15

Trevor’s fingers ran over the paper again and again. It was old and worn and wrinkled. The wrinkles bothered Trevor as he stared accusingly at the paper, turning it over in hands, pulling on the edges, trying to smooth it into submission. The paper, much like Bianca, wouldn’t bend to his will, even if that was what was best for it. Trevor had found it out on the driveway, trapped beneath the wheel of his rental car, fluttering, waving at him. Like it wanted to be found, like it was destiny intervening. At first, the address didn’t look familiar to Trevor. He thought maybe Bianca had rented a place or maybe gotten a boyfriend, possibly even cheated on him. However, he quickly dismissed that thought. That wasn’t Bianca’s style. No, the address on this piece of paper could only be for one person. Bianca was going to find her son. “If she finds him, she’s gonna want to keep him in her life. She’ll dump me permanently.” Trevor was pacing. He had gotten her to give up the kid once. She was never meant to be a mother. Never calm enough, never clean enough. Trevor knew he had done her a favor, saved her life from certain derailment. Trevor picked the situation apart in his brain bit by bit. “She’s there now. She’s gotta be. She’s got the address.” Trevor knew for a fact the kid was in foster care and there was a chance of Bianca being able to get him back. Trevor had taken the call, a year and a half after they had put the baby up for adoption. The family who had taken him was re-homing him, and they wanted to know if Bianca had a change of heart before they had to put him into the foster care system. The couple had fertility problems when they adopted Bianca’s baby, but by some

miracle, they became pregnant with triplets when the kid they adopted was only a year and a half. They said it was going to be too much for them, and like a sack of potatoes, they dropped their adopted son back into the system. Trevor had hated to do it, but he told them that Bianca wasn’t well enough to care for a child. Bianca couldn’t handle a child, which, in his opinion, was the truth. And honestly, he didn’t want another man’s kid in their lives. So into the system he went. It was best for Trevor, best for the kid, and best for Bianca. Once again, against her will, Trevor had to save Bianca from herself. He had never told Bianca. Never. She would have been furious, but he did what was best for her, because she never knew what was best for her. Trevor’s brain spun and curled and thought very carefully. Trevor’s angry caterpillar crawled up his spine again, and he shivered. He didn’t want to push it down. He thought he had earlier when he had realized the destruction and hurt he had caused. Maybe he was more like his mother than he thought, and maybe she had taught him to enjoy it as well. Maybe he should be a better person, let Bianca be, live her life, make her own damn mistakes. Maybe he shouldn’t try to be so controlling. But damn, does it feel good, he thought, reveling in the shiver coursing through him. The thought that he was going to take back the woman he loved to have a hold on gave his brain a delicious burst of evil authority. “It’s time to come home, Bianca.” he said, with a grin.

16

Chapter 16

The truck was right where she left it, and the sensation of the door handle against her palm as she pulled it felt both comforting and deeply energizing. The familiar metal was cool against her skin, but it did nothing to calm her racing heart. The sky was deepening, preparing for the approaching night as the sun sunk lower in the sky. Bianca’s toes felt warm, as though she had just taken a shot of whiskey. Her right foot pushed and ebbed on the gas, her mind sailing on autopilot as she guided her trusty vehicle through the eighteen minute drive in the city. This was happening. She wasn’t smiling even though this was the happiest she had ever felt. She was basking in the energy of the unknown, the questions not yet answered, the possibilities en route. There were about a million ways this could go down. Her son could hate her, he could be waiting for her, he could be angry, miserable or distrustful. She had so much to tell him and she didn’t know how, because she had never met him before. Tobi had said he had been wondering about his father as well, a man who didn’t even know about him before that day, and because of her. The truth was going to hurt, but she was going to tell it to the best of her ability, because that was what she came here to do. Be there for her son and that included giving him honesty, even though it was going to make her look bad. She hoped Caleb would understand, she hoped he could see when she explained it that she had done it with the best intentions and because she was in a bad place. But Bianca knew she couldn’t control or predict what Caleb’s reactions to things may be. So she took a deep breath and tried to let her worries go. No matter what happens, I will respect my son’s decisions and wishes. I can be at peace with whatever he chooses to do. A wash of tranquility came over Bianca just in time as she set her resolution and she felt it blanket her completely as she pulled up across the street from Caleb’s house.

A boy was sitting outside in the driveway. He had chalk in his hand, and he didn’t look up when Bianca parked, his eyes fixed on whatever he was drawing with the chalk, striking the pavement delicately with focus. Tilting his head intermittently to gain a different perspective on whatever he was creating. He worked with a quiet determination that made him look older despite his size. Bianca looked at him. And all of a sudden the world around her faded away. In a blink, it was gone, and outlined in a blurry haze, and there he was. And then, just like that, nothing else mattered. Not that she had to face Trevor, not that the lighthouse was crumbling, not even that she had just been with Roman. Because there was her son, in front of her eyes. Who she had been waiting all this time for. His dark brown hair flopped into his face, it hit just above his eyelashes and he pushed it off, unbothered. Bianca could tell. It was him. That was Caleb. There was no mistaking the olive-toned skin that matched so closely to her own, the dark hair with the deep chestnut hue. It barely radiated the most subtle brass tone, Bianca unconsciously lifted her hand up to touch her own hair. She had been staring for several minutes, when suddenly, almost intuitively, the boy looked up and Bianca saw her own eyes staring directly at her. Caleb stood up slowly and Bianca held her breath. She could tell he could see her inside of her truck and knew exactly who he was looking at. His face held no emotion, he looked inquisitive but not distressed. Bianca, terrified, started hyperventilating. She didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling and if she should get out of the truck or if she should drive away. She couldn’t drive away, not after everything. So she waited. Waited for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was probably only seconds. In an instant, Caleb’s face broke out in a wide grin. He dropped the chalk and threw his hand in the air, waving to Bianca and she was instinctively waving back the very same second. Her hands fumbled numbly as she struggled to find the door handle without taking her eyes off of him, afraid she would wake up from this dream. She tugged at the handle three times before she realized she hadn’t unlocked it and clicked the latch so the door would finally let her out. When she finally got out of the truck, Caleb had already crossed the road. She saw the tears in his eyes and she knelt down to open her arms. He didn’t speak as he walked straight into them. She couldn’t make out anything other than a sob as the emotion took over her. It filled her all the way up as she was pieced back together again, a whole person. Complete. Bianca, at that moment, couldn’t

how long it had taken her to get to that point, because the moment she had been waiting for happened all at once. All of a sudden she was holding him again. Her son, the family member she never got to take home. She was holding the beautiful baby she held so many years ago. The love felt exactly the same, and this time, there was no letting go.

17

Chapter 17

They were still standing outside of Bianca’s truck when she finally heard his voice. “You really are my mom,” Caleb mumbled, his face was still squished against Bianca’s shoulder. His voice didn’t sound shaky or teary, it sounded confident and sure. She released him from the hug and he backed up the tiniest bit to laugh. “I don’t think there’s any denying that.” She finally let him go to look in his eyes, which were the exact same shade of green as her own. “You sound more grown-up than I expected.” Bianca’s voice, on the other hand, felt shaky as she dried the wetness on her cheeks with her sleeves. She moved to sit on the curb as she began to lose feeling in her feet from crouching so long. She didn’t ask Caleb to sit with her, but he did anyway. Her heart grew. She was sitting beside her son. In person, in real life. Bianca watched him, fixated, as the muscles in his face moved as his focus changed. He was looking at something on her face. “Wow! We have the same eyes!” he said excitedly, jumping up when he noticed the same thing that she just had. It made Bianca grin with her entire face. “I wonder how else we are the same, I’ve never had someone related to me before.” Caleb looked at her earnestly. Bianca looked into his eyes and saw herself in his coloring, his hair, his skin. He looked just like her, a carbon copy. Bianca didn’t know why that should surprise her, but it did. A mini boy-version Bianca was just walking around and she hadn’t even known it. In his face, though, she saw only Roman. The shape of his jaw, the way he smiled, and his ears. All Roman. Bianca realized she had been staring at Caleb for a long time, and Caleb had just

been standing there, face to face with her, waiting patiently for her to speak, or perhaps examining her just as much as she was trying to process him. Bianca forced a smile onto her serious face, Caleb smiled back at her. Then she gently gripped his shoulders and looked at him right in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Caleb. I need to say that before everything. I am sorry I had to let you go when you were a baby. I was really young, you know? I didn’t think I could take good enough care of you and I wanted you to have a good life.” When she finally stopped talking, Bianca inhaled. She had tried to speak from the heart, but her apology didn’t feel like enough and Bianca’s heart sank. She looked down. “I get it,” Caleb said to her in the way only a child could. As if they understood everything and nothing all at the same time. “You do?” “Madd,.” Caleb explained, “She’s my mom. Umm…” Bianca could see he felt awkward, or like he had said the wrong thing. “I know she’s your mom.” She smiled encouragingly. “I met her the other day.” Caleb nodded and continued. “Well, she told me that you had me when you were really young.” “She did?” “She tries to tell us everything about before she got us. Mom doesn’t want us to be surprised or scared if our birth parents come looking for us.” Bianca felt incredibly warmed by this. Maddy loved Caleb, in the way she always hoped someone would. “And she said that it probably wasn’t because you didn’t want me.” “It wasn’t Caleb!” Bianca teared up again, her heart reaching out to Maddy, thanking her. “I promise you, it wasn’t at all because I didn’t love you, or care about you.” “Mom says giving up your baby can mean you are just trying to do your best.”

Caleb nodded like he was assuring himself. Like he was soaking in advice. “That’s really smart, she sounds like a great mom,” Bianca said. “I’m glad you got a great mom, even if you weren’t adopted.” Caleb looked at her funny. “I was adopted.” He said it as if it was obvious. Bianca was stunned. She looked at her son, unable to find the words to ask how or when that had happened. She sputtered, her mouth opening and closing a few times in succession, but she couldn’t form any words. Caleb stared at her, patiently awaiting her next question once again. But it never came. “Bianca, dear!” Maddy wobbled out of the door, waving excitedly. “You’re here early! I see you two have already introduced yourselves, I’m sorry I missed that!” Maddy smiled warmly as she crossed the road. Maddy beamed at Bianca as she reached them and put her arm around Caleb, squeezing his shoulder. “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t realize he would be outside,” Bianca explained to Maddy, “I was planning to sit out here and give myself a little pep talk.” She tried to be careful in the way she spoke. Bianca didn’t know if she should feel embarrassed or ashamed or happy or welcomed. She kind of felt like a little of all of that, and a lot confused. Bianca didn’t know what to expect from this little family. Maddy threw her head back and laughed. It made Bianca smile and let out a big breath of relief. It made Caleb stifle a giggle with his hand. “Well, I guess you went in head first then, eh?” Maddy lovingly pushed Caleb toward the house and then reached for Bianca’s shoulder to do the same to her. “Now come on, in you go! Time for some supper. I am so glad you’re not allergic to shellfish because we just adore shrimp in this house,” Maddy said, and Bianca ed their phone conversation. “It would suck to be allergic to shellfish living on the coast.” Bianca thought out loud and Maddy cackled again as she sped up and opened the door for Bianca and Caleb. Caleb walked in front of her. He was so tall, his head stood past her shoulders. Are all eleven-year-olds this tall? Or is he abnormally tall? Bianca mused over

the questions she would have probably known the answer to had she been a parent these past years until she got close enough to see Caleb’s drawing on the driveway. She stopped. “Caleb, this is brilliant,” she stated. Tilting her head to ire it from another angle. A beautiful woman with wild brown hair and bright green eyes took over a corner of the driveway. It was so well done with every small detail ed for, highlights in the hair, movement in the skin, the gleam in the eyes. “It’s you,” Caleb said, smiling at Bianca. “Really?” Bianca spat out, stunned. “Ya.” Caleb shrugged. “Maddy told me what you looked like. I’ve been working on it for a few hours.” He explained. “Since I found out that you were coming.” “This is way prettier than real-life me,” Bianca said sincerely. “You’re an artist, kid.” She gave him a smile and bumped his shoulder encouragingly. She was thoroughly impressed. “Do you mind if I take a photo with my phone?” “Yeah, go ahead!” he answered happily. He grinned back at her and led the way into the house. Bianca snapped a photo of the chalk and walked beside her son in a happy daze, her world spinning in the most beautiful way. “So, I’m kind of surprised you’re happy to meet me, I have to it that I was a little worried,” Bianca said to Caleb when they made it up to the porch. “Why?” “Well, I thought you might hate me, you know, for giving you up.” Bianca gulped a breath of air when she said it. And she watched him think. “I’ve always wondered about you,” Caleb said. “I guess I always felt like there was just a missing part. Like there was something I didn’t know.” He nodded. “I’m happy to finally know.” Bianca’s hands shook, and she pressed her lips together, she almost couldn’t stand how happy she was to hear that. Their hearts were in the same place. She

felt the exact same way.

18

Chapter 18

Walking into Maddy Bound’s house was like walking into a holiday. Not quite Christmas or Thanksgiving but a unique warm celebration all their own, that had the unmistakable smell of delicious home cooked food to go with it. Bianca could smell cinnamon, garlic, carrots and definitely shrimp. It felt like it was swirling around her in the air, teasing her nose. Bianca was sure she could almost see the delicious scent. Her stomach made a sound to declare its concurrence. All of a sudden she felt delirious with hunger, what happened to that hot dog from earlier? Bianca put her hand on her stomach as it made another sound, hoping it would quiet down and be patient. Weaving through the hallways and the kitchen, Bianca felt the warmth in the walls, they were lined with a light red, gold trimmed wallpaper. There were photos of Caleb and Tobi and also a man that Bianca assumed had to be Maddy’s husband, but she didn’t see him when she followed Caleb into the dining room where Tobi was already seated, staring at the giant bowl of shrimp alfredo. Glazed carrots were piled in a mound next to it. There was enough food to feed at least ten people! Bianca’s stomach squawked again. This time Maddy heard it and patted her on the shoulder, reassuring her silently that she would soon be fed. Bianca grinned in response and turned her attention to Tobi, who was still staring at the shrimp like it was a pretty girl. “Hey, Tobi!” Bianca greeted the boy and broke his attention. “Hey, Bianca! I’m glad you’re here! Maddy said we had to wait to eat until you got here and I’m starving,” Tobi said dramatically. “Tobi!” Maddy scolded him as she turned the corner with a large, steaming glass dish of delectable looking green beans. Bianca hadn’t even seen her leave the room. She moves fast!

But Bianca and Caleb laughed. “Well, I sincerely apologize that I kept you waiting, Tobi,” Bianca replied with a playful smile. “It’s okay, he’s always hungry.” Caleb looked up at Bianca. “Hey! I’m growing!” Tobi countered, goofily throwing his hands up over his hand in exasperation. “Well, you had better quit that or you’re going to eat me out of house and home!” Maddy laughed at Tobi and tousled his hair, Tobi shoved her hand away gently. The love and comfort between them all was obvious, they were a family and Bianca finally started to feel more comfortable and only slightly out of place. “Sit! Sit!” Maddy went around the table pulling out a chair for Bianca beside Caleb, with Tobi and Maddy across from them. “So, I saw a gentleman in the photos in the hallway, Maddy. Is that your husband? Will he be ing us?” Bianca asked. She spoke carefully, trying to make conversation without starting off by asking a million questions about Caleb. Maddy looked up from the table at Bianca without smiling. Tobi and Caleb stayed completely silent, looking at the food. “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?” Bianca asked, confused as the mood shifted drastically in the room. Her comfort level dropped and the other bad feelings started rising again. How could I screw up so quickly?! “No, dear, no. It’s all right. That’s my husband, yes, but unfortunately he won’t be ing us. He ed away seven months ago. Went overboard on the job. He was a fisherman.” Maddy smiled weakly, but her usual sparkle was dimmed. “I am so sorry,” Bianca started. “I had no—” But Maddy cut her off. “No. Of course not, sweetheart. How could you have known?” Maddy inhaled. “The truth is, it was and still is a very hard time for our family because of that accident, so it’s a bit of a sore spot. I’m sorry I reacted

that way.” Maddy tilted her head and looked at Bianca. “No need to apologize,” she replied. “Can we eat now?” Tobi interrupted with wide eyes, looking longingly at the spread on the table. “Yes!” Maddy laughed and was, in a second, brought back to life as she looked lovingly at Tobi. The group started chattering and doling out plates and food and knives and forks. The ambiance became cheerful and lighthearted. Bianca began to feel comfortable once again. Caleb reached across the table often only to be scolded by Maddy, who always laughed afterwards, Tobi scarfing down a full plate of shrimp alfredo before everyone else had even taken their first. Maddy offered everyone a bit of everything and served herself last. And Bianca, speaking conscientiously, not too often mostly engaged in quiet observation of the most delightful little family she had ever met in her life. The dinner went well and Bianca settled into comfortability with an intense gratefulness at the experience of being taken in. She laughed whenever the boys laughed, their giggles infectious, and shared several side smirks with Maddy whenever they made ridiculous jokes that only eleven-year-old boys could find funny. Bianca’s heart felt full. Caleb’s smile and Tobi’s smile were just about the best sights she had ever seen in her life. Every time one of the boys laughed, whether the rationale was actually funny, or goofy or just plain ludacris, Bianca felt herself laugh too. She couldn’t help it, she was just so exultant that she felt almost dizzy. Bianca took a large portion of everything as soon as it was ed to her and everything made her mouth water. “Everything looks and smells just amazing, Maddy,” Bianca said to her as she heaped mashed potatoes onto her plate. “Thank you. I learned to cook after we took Tobi in. He was the taste tester, he got to try all the awful experimental food first, and by the time we got Caleb, I was a pro.” Maddy’s eyes glistened, thinking deeply. “Charlie was so happy when we got the boys. He said the family felt complete.” Maddy was staring at her plate and Bianca stopped eating as she heard Maddy’s voice change tone.

She looked up, both Tobi and Caleb were looking at Maddy. “We miss him too,” Caleb said quietly and reached across the table for Maddy’s hand. Maddy took it and squeezed gently, breathing out audibly. She shook her head and wiped her eyes. Bianca watched Caleb, he was empathetic and soft spoken, his intelligent eyes conveyed all his thoughts and emotions with sincerity. He would never be able to lie well, just like Bianca. His face betrayed his true thoughts. “Bianca.” Bianca jumped a little, turning toward Maddy. Her voice was once again firm and strong. She snapped back so quickly. “You must have questions,” she said when Bianca’s eyes met hers. “Shoot.” She smiled. Bianca smiled back nervously. “Well, I guess I wanted to ask you why you chose to foster? How you ended up with Caleb, and Tobi of course? And why you never officially adopted them, because you seem to be such a wonderful, happy family together?” Bianca asked carefully. She hoped her questions weren’t too much but Maddy was right. She did want to know. “Great questions,” Maddy said as she finished chewing a green bean. “My husband Charlie and I chose to foster because we tried for years and we could never have our own children. Now I feel like that was a blessing, I couldn’t imagine having kids other than Tobi and Caleb,” Maddy said. “Tobi came to us directly after birth. He had an issue with his digestive tract that he needed several surgeries for and it complicated the adoption process as they took many years to complete. Now he’s a happy, healthy eleven year old!” Maddy grinned at Tobi. “Yup, some losers who wanted to adopt a ‘perfect’ baby missed out on an awesome kid.” Tobi used air quotes when he said the word “perfect” and bobbed his head up and down like a turtle. “Ha! Yeah, perfectly stinky all right.” Caleb ripped on Tobi, and they both burst out laughing, which made Bianca and Maddy burst out laughing at them.

“All right boys,” Maddy said when she had stopped herself from laughing. “No more rude jokes at the table. Bianca still needs more answers, and then I’m sure Caleb would like a turn for questions too.” Maddy tilted her head toward Caleb, who had a mouthful of shrimp, oblivious. She smiled and turned her attention back to Bianca. “Honestly, Bianca, the reason we never adopted the boys is that we couldn’t afford it. I quit my job so that we could foster, and adoption is incredibly expensive. So we decided the best we could do was offer a safe and happy home. Adoption is just a piece of paper. We are a family either way,” Maddy explained it seriously. “That’s beautiful,” Bianca replied sincerely. “And I am incredibly happy he ended up with someone like you. But, now, how did you come to end up with Caleb? I was told that he would be adopted. And as far as I know, he didn’t have any big issues at birth.” Maddy tilted her head farther to the left and gave Bianca a funny look. “He was adopted, Bianca,” Maddy replied, furrowing her brow. “Okay, but then, how is he with you now, what happened?” Bianca asked again. Maddy shared a look with Caleb, who in turn looked at Bianca, and they both looked at her like she had snakes coming out her ears. Caleb had the same reaction at the truck when she mentioned his adoption, but Bianca had no clue what was going on. Her heart started pounding and her head started spinning. It all felt wrong all of a sudden, everything felt confused. “Okay, seriously, what did I do wrong here?” Bianca asked. “Am I missing something?” “You really don’t know?” Maddy asked. “Totally lost,” Bianca assured her. “Caleb ended up here with us after you declined responsibility for him after the adopted parents re-homed him when he was eighteen months old.” Maddy spoke slowly and carefully, like she was speaking to a child, almost as if she thought Bianca was feigning ignorance.

“WHAT?” Bianca stood up and put her hands on the table. Maddy continued looking at her. “That…that is insane. I have absolutely no knowledge of that.” Bianca looked Maddy in the eyes, trying to will her to believe her. “The agency has it in writing, from your email, that you declined responsibility and to place Caleb into the foster system. They gave you a chance, Bianca. It’s fine that you didn’t feel ready but please, don’t lie about it, not in front of Caleb. I’ve seen the email myself,” Maddy said sternly to Bianca. Her face held nothing but cold protection. “I swear, I didn’t kn—” “You need to leave,” said a small voice beside her. She looked down, and Caleb was looking at his green beans but speaking to Bianca. “I get that you’re my mom, like you had me. And I really did want to meet you, but Maddy is my mom because she’s been there for me the whole time, and you weren’t. You can’t lie to Maddy. You can’t lie to my mom.” Caleb’s voice didn’t shake. He spoke with a quiet resolve. Bianca’s heart swelled up at his courage and then broke open and spilled out. “No please, I am not lying, I swear.” Tears streamed down her face, Bianca realized everything had gone sideways. They didn’t believe her. “Caleb is right. I think you should go, at least for now,” Maddy said quietly. “I’m sorry, Bianca.” “If I could just explain—” she started, but stopped. She couldn’t explain. She didn’t know what was going on, and she didn’t know how to fix things. “I think we all desperately need honesty in these situations, maybe we should all just take a little time to think about what is best.” Maddy looked at Bianca with a fire in her eyes and she realized that Maddy wasn’t going to back down. Maddy was protecting Caleb from her. And Bianca was going to let her. Everyone sat still until Bianca moved to get up. “I’ll walk you to the door,” Tobi said carefully, looking at Maddy, who gave her

permission with a small nod. “Thanks, Tobi.” Bianca said in a whisper, feeling more crushed than a soda can on the highway. Tobi walked in front of Bianca and led her back to the front door. “I believe you.” Tobi said in a hushed tone to Bianca as she slid on her shoes. “Why?” she asked. “I’m super good at telling when people are lying,” Tobi said assuredly. “I don’t think you were lying and I believe you.” Bianca smiled with deep gratitude and knelt down so their eyes were at the same level. “I promise you, Tobi. I was not lying.” She stood back up, grabbing the door handle to leave. When she realized something. She spun around. “Tobi, can you do me a favor?” “Sure,” he said with a stoic smile. “I was with Caleb’s father today and he really, really wants to meet Caleb. He made me promise I would tell Caleb about him tonight. But I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore right now, do you think you could do it?” “Yes,” Tobi answered. His face breaking out in a smile. “I know it’s a big favor.” “Yeah, but I’m the man for the job,” Tobi assured her, his regular demeanor returning. Bianca smiled sadly at him, and opened the front door, walking out into the endless black night, wishing she could go back in time two hours, although she wasn’t sure how she would fix it even if she could. Bianca wasn’t lying to her son or his foster mother and somehow she needed to prove it to them.

19

Chapter 19

Bianca found her truck under the fuzzy halo of a street light above. The darkness of the night was thick around her, but the cool air awakened her senses. She hopped in her truck to drive, then realizing that she didn’t want to go home. Her phone buzzed softly in the pocket of her sweater and Bianca pulled it out to find several texts from Roman. Roman: Call me when you’re done with dinner, I want to hear about everything! Roman: Don’t forget to tell Caleb I want to meet him too! Please. :) Roman: Sorry I keep texting, I’m anxious. Just wondering, if you don’t want to drive back out to the city tonight, you’re welcome to crash here. I’ve got a guest room. Roman: Hope that’s not weird. Bianca smiled at his texts in the spite of the realization that she was going to have to explain every terrible thing that just happened tonight. At least some wonderful things happened too, and Bianca got a lot of answers she had been waiting for. But now she needed one big answer to a question she didn’t even know she had. Who had put Caleb into foster care? Oddly enough, it didn’t take long for Bianca to come up with an obvious hunch. It didn’t even make her angry anymore to find out that Trevor had messed with her life again. She was past anger. She just wanted to find solutions and fix things with Caleb. The cool night time drive was perfect for thinking. Tonight, she needed to fill in Roman. Tomorrow, she would confront Trevor.

Roman’s house smelled like soup. Tomato. Warm, inviting, and tangy. “What did you eat?” “Tomato soup and grilled cheese,” Roman replied, confirming Bianca’s suspicions. He shrugged and half smiled at her. His nose leaned to the side as he smiled, and a dimple appeared on his left cheek. Bianca realized she had seen the same dimple on Caleb’s cheek less than an hour ago. Bianca’s chest ached. She had just met her son, and he was already mad at her. Roman would undoubtedly be peeved with her shortly too when he found out how badly she had screwed the night up and possibly destroyed the chances of either of them ever seeing Caleb again. Prrrrrrfft. Bianca blew a raspberry with her lips, collapsing on the couch and holding her head with her hands to her forehead. “Oh shit, what’s wrong? What happened?” Roman knelt on the floor in front of Bianca, trying to make with Bianca’s hiding green eyes. “It was a disaster,” Bianca said honestly. “Tell me.” “Well, basically, Caleb was adopted, then unadopted and apparently thrown back into the foster system at my request?” “What the fuck?” Roman said with a sharp inhale. Bianca finally looked up at him. He didn’t normally swear. “I know,” she answered. “The odd thing is, I never did that. I never got a phone call, an email, a visit, nothing.” Bianca rubbed her cheeks. “But Maddy says the agency has an email from me on file saying I declined responsibility for him when he was unadopted. I never sent that email, but Maddy and Caleb, they don’t believe me. Can’t blame them, I mean they did meet me less than twelve hours ago when I crashed into their lives.” “If Trevor sent those texts to convince me you were cheating…” Roman’s brain was already turning in the same direction as Bianca’s.

“I know,” Bianca groaned. “I knew he was an ass, but I didn’t realize he was that terrible of a person.” “Oh God. How are we going to fix this? We can’t just leave it like this. We have to do something!” Roman was rubbing his eyes, clearly flustered. He didn’t see Bianca grin when he said “we” and butterflies filled her stomach. She wasn’t alone. “Oh, I know exactly what I’m going to do,” Bianca said. “What?” Roman’s head shot up at full attention. “I’m going to find Trevor and get him to confess,” Bianca shared. Roman grinned at her. “Leave it to you to be the badass problem solver.” Roman laughed. “Hey, did you get a chance to tell Caleb about me before this all went down? I mean, you did promise.” Roman reminded her in a half-joking, halfserious way. “No, I didn’t.” She watched Roman’s face sink. “But I told Tobi as I was leaving and I have full trust in him to deliver the information.” “Who’s Tobi?” Roman asked. “Caleb’s foster brother. Great kid, smart as a whip. He’s the only one who could tell I wasn’t lying too.” Roman smiled. “You want to crash here then?” Roman sat up from the floor and carefully placed himself next to Bianca on the couch. “Actually, that would be great. I’ve got no idea what I’m walking into when I get back to my place. I didn’t exactly leave it in the best state, and I’m sure Trevor has found his way back there by now. He’s possibly even still there, waiting for me.” Bianca’s eyes glazed, as she thought of the confrontation she knew well enough she would at some point have to handle. “Not something I want to deal with at night, especially tonight.” “Want tea?” Roman asked, walking over to the kettle. “Lemon?”

“Never could get off the stuff after you got me hooked on it.” Roman smirked and pulled a box of lemon tea out of the cupboard. Bianca laughed. She had tried to push off the events of the night and just relax, but they sat heavily on her shoulders, waiting patiently to overtake her come morning. Bianca’s mind was thick with the blurring of worry, apprehension, and planning, but even so, she felt light and fluffy, like she had all the problems in the world to overcome but all the ability to deal with them. Now that she was a whole person all on her own and had found her own strength, things with Roman felt different from high school, stronger. Everything felt right with him. Roman stood at the countertop, pouring hot water, preparing tea bags. Worry lines ran along his forehead. He looked focused, mature, and extremely handsome. Bianca was overcome with a strong desire to touch him. His arms, his back, his muscular shoulders. She wanted to feel the warmth and he was emanating. She stood up intuitively. It wasn’t lust that was drawing her, but she had to it that was part of it. She longed to him in that way. It was something stronger. Something that connected them, a bond that hadn’t broken under the test of time or distance or silence or adversity. In the few hours that Roman had been back in her life, he had shown her nothing but genuine respect and . In the span of twelve hours, Bianca felt worlds closer to Roman than she ever had to her husband. Bianca walked up behind Roman silently. She put a hand against his shoulder blade and the heat spread instantly, through his shirt, into her fingertips and up her arm. Roman turned, but Bianca didn’t let go of his shoulder, he spun until her arm was wrapped around him, and it hugged the length of his ribs. His heat was the best thing Bianca had ever felt. Roman’s eyes didn’t hold confusion, but they didn’t hold playfulness either, they held a type of serious inquisition. Roman placed his hands on Bianca’s waist and pulled her closer until their bodies were touching, drawing his hands up, he traced his fingers at the nape of Bianca’s neck, she shivered and Roman pulled away immediately. “I don’t know if we should do this.” “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Bianca said.

She didn’t show her disappointment, but she felt it deeply. She had felt alone for so long. Everything about Roman was intoxicating, his scent, his body, his voice, his heat especially. However, Bianca wasn’t willing to push him into anything. He had been nothing but patient and forgiving with her, and she made sure to give the same respect to him. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” replied Roman, looking steadily at Bianca. “I just can’t have this be some..some fling. This is more than that to me and I don’t know what it is to you.” “Are you kidding?” she questioned. “This is as serious as it gets.” She touched him again, and he didn’t back away. Pulling him closer, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. “I have been waiting for you since we parted,” Roman whispered into Bianca’s hair as he brought his arms up around her shoulders and pulled her closer. There was no space between them now. The connection was physical, instant heat that welded them together. Bianca melted into him, running her hands up and down the length of his body. She couldn’t get enough. Roman touched her too, but slower. Tracing instead of grabbing. He took her in inch by inch. Their lips were tangled in a heated wrestle, each pushing against the other, trying to take in as much as possible, all ion and no patience. Bianca pulled off Roman’s shirt above his head and felt the skin of his chest beneath her hands, Roman didn’t pull away. He walked forward, pushing against Bianca as they kissed, their chests sewn together by heat. Roman held the back of her head to protect it as he backed her into a wall, and gently took her arms, holding them above her head. Moving his lips to her neck, then her collarbone, then lower. Bianca let out sounds she didn’t know she could still make and tried to pull him closer, but forgot that he had locked her hands above her. Bianca tensed out of pure shock and could tell Roman sensed it immediately and let go, backing up about three steps. “I am so sorry, Bianca, I shouldn’t have—I didn’t.” He struggled with words momentarily, the moment shrinking and Bianca’s head returning to her shoulders.

“Please, don’t apologize.” Bianca smiled gently at him and stepped closer, taking his hands in hers. “I haven’t felt that in years. The way you make me feel.” She smiled at him blissfully. The heat of the moment was gone, but there was an unspoken promise between them of many, many more moments just like that one. “So, you’re going to get Trevor to confess?” Roman asked, changing the subject. She grinned at him, allowing the moment to . “Yes. And I know just who to ask for help,” she said as she pulled out her phone. “Who?” Roman asked, but Bianca didn’t answer, she was already dialing. “Jerry? Yeah, hi, it’s me.” Bianca spoke quickly, pacing across the floor, rubbing her hands against her arms like she was cold. “Yes, I found him, but you said to call if I need anything else found out. Yeah. I need a way to prove a forged document, I have an idea.” Before launching into a full explanation of her plan, occasionally looking at Roman, who was listening silently. Finally she said, “Thanks Jerry.” And hung up. “Do we have a plan?” Roman wiggled his eyebrows. “Oh, yes. We have a plan.”

20

Chapter 20

Maddy’s hands were sore as she leafed through the paperwork. She had to rest often and massage her palms. It didn’t help much but it did give her a break. Cooking was fine, especially when the boys helped, laundry was fine, the broom was getting to be a bit much as well. Her hands ached whenever she picked up an object that required more of a grip. Like a pencil, or the thin paperwork that came every month with more and more bills. Drowning her, sometimes literally it felt like. The stack was growing so big, every month, there was another she couldn’t pay. Maddy worked days at the jewelry store in the mall. It was mostly good. She loved the customers, the pretty necklaces and the bustling atmosphere of the mall. It was when someone bought something and she had to handle the jewelry that was the problem, not to mention all the paperwork that came with it. Her hands were going more and more every day. What choice do I have? She thought. I am the only person left for those boys and I will not fail them. But as much as she tried to talk herself up, Maddy knew differently. Since Charlie had been gone, they had been drowning in bills. Maddy sold his truck, but it was barely enough to cover what he owed on it. Even when she went back to work, her paycheck just barely covered food, electricity and water. She used the little savings they had for the first five months after he had ed, but after that…. Well she hadn’t paid the mortgage in months. The house was in danger of being repossessed. Maddy kept her happy demeanor and kept pushing forward, but even her spirit was beginning to fail her. The problems were rising faster than the solutions. Yelling at Bianca last night? I shouldn’t have done that, I should have heard her out. I would on any normal day. Maddy’s thoughts spiraled with guilt. That is

Caleb’s mother! What is wrong with me?! “Urrggh.” Maddy audibly groaned and put her head on her desk, overflowing with bills and notices and other paperwork that just all seemed to be bad news. “Mom?” Maddy jumped, spinning her swivel chair to face the door to the office. Standing in the doorway was Caleb, looking somber and somewhat confused. “You okay?” he asked Maddy. “What? Yes, dear, I’m just fine.” Maddy took a breath. “I didn’t sleep much after last night.” Maddy tilted her head and smiled at Caleb, who gave her the smallest of smiles back. “I’m sorry,” he said sadly. “I really wanted to meet her, I didn’t know she would lie.” Caleb started sobbing quietly. His hands cradling his small head as his hair slid in front of his eyes, covering his sadness like a shield. “Oh, sweetheart, no!” Maddy rushed to Caleb and held him as she had when he was small, rubbing his back and shushing him. “No, Caleb, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have snapped at her. We need to listen to what she has to say. Maybe something else happened that changed things for her. I am just protective of you so I acted before I thought and I acted unkindly. I am so sorry.” Maddy held Caleb’s shoulders gently and tried to meet his eyes as he raised his head. “Really?” he asked. “You really think so?” “Yes, I do.” Maddy sighed. “I think I got so angry because…” Maddy trailed off, unsure of how to say it. “Because of when Tobi’s mom lied and then took him away?” Caleb asked like a little mouse. “Yes, sweetheart, that’s exactly what I flashed back to.” “Me too.” Caleb nodded and pushed his lips together. “I wouldn’t let her take me from you guys,” Caleb stated decisively.

“I don’t think she’s planning on it,” she answered honestly. “But what if she is?” Maddy looked at her son’s worried eyes. “Do you want to give Bianca another chance?” After a long pause, Caleb answered. “Yes. I’ve always wanted to meet her.” “I know you have, love.” “And even if she isn’t what I hoped, at least I’ll know.” He shrugged, staring at the wall. “At least I can stop wondering.” “And you will still have me and Tobi,” Maddy reminded him. Caleb wrapped his arms around Maddy and squeezed her into a bear hug. “Oh.” Caleb suddenly jolted out of the hug. “And Tobi told me something, and I wasn’t sure that I should tell you because I didn’t think you would like Bianca after last night.” “Of course you can tell me. You know that!” Maddy laughed gently and smiled. She felt her spirit lift every time she was with her sons. “Okay, well, Tobi said that Bianca knew my dad!” Caleb’s entire face lit up! “And that he wants to meet me too!” It made Maddy light up as well to see Caleb so happy, but a very small part of her felt sad and scared. “That is just about the most exciting thing I’ve heard all day! This is getting to be a very big week for you!” Maddy tried to say excitedly, but inside she felt shaky and weak, like a piece of straw swaying the wind, fragile enough to be blown over by a light breeze. It was a lot for Maddy, but she knew what was right. She was honest with her sons because if she wasn’t, how could they be prepared when things like things happened? Maddy wrapped her arms around Caleb and squeezed. Caleb giggled and wriggled around but didn’t try to escape the hug, putting his arms around Maddy

and squeezing her back. “Love you, Mom. You’re the best mom, and you always will be, okay?” said Caleb, giving Maddy a toothy grin. “Now how did I get such a kind young man?” Caleb will have both his parents—will he still want me as his mother? Maddy kept the thought to herself, for she knew it was a selfish one. She would always do what was best for her sons, no matter how much it hurt her, and if Caleb’s parents in his life were truly what was right, then so be it, but her heart was breaking with every second. She was apprehensive of the problems they could bring, the dynamics they could change. Even if they didn’t take Caleb away, they could still hurt him, lie to him, traumatize him, give him trust issues. These boys were all she had left. Her whole world. Her family. If another mother was going to step into the picture, Maddy was going to make damn sure the woman was true of heart.

21

Chapter 21

Bianca could see the redness of the new day behind her eyelids, but her eyes stuck together, crusted and inexplicably opposed to opening. She rubbed her fingers against them and they finally, against their wishes, opened up to the brightness of the world. The light temporarily blinded Bianca, as she swung her arms about in her drowsy, disoriented state, trying to find something to grab a hold of to pull herself up. She found something that felt sturdy enough, got a good grip and pulled. Unfortunately, the item wasn’t anchored at all, sending Bianca backwards toward the arm of the couch, and an unknown substance covered her legs. “Ugh.” She moaned in startled annoyance. Trying to blink her eyes open, they finally gave way and adjusted to the light of day, and she discovered that it was a cup of tea that had rendered her pants soaked and disgusting. “You okay?” Roman stood in the doorway of the living room where Bianca was still on the couch. “I’m afraid it seems I’ve made a bit of a mess…” Bianca said, moving the blanket to assess the damage the spilled tea had caused, there was a small spot on the rug, but it seemed that most of the tea had landed directly on her. Of course. Bianca thought, grabbing a tissue and dabbing the tea off Roman’s rug. Although, it had been two days in the same clothing and without a shower… maybe this was a sign from the hygiene gods. “You’re the mess.” Roman laughed. “Ha, ya, you’ve got that right” she replied, trying to comb her hair down with her fingers, but the knots were too intense to be dealt with by hand, she gave up and examined her jeans again. “Ugh! Nothing can be done for these jeans!”

Bianca said in defeat, flopping her shoulders and head against the back of the couch. Roman rubbed his chin with his index finger and thumb. “You need new clothes,” he said. “I didn’t pack a bag, I didn’t really think I’d be in the city this long,” Bianca answered. “What did you think was going to happen driving in to meet your son? That’s kind of a time commitment.” The words felt patronizing, but Roman’s voice sounded kind. “Honestly?” Bianca breathed out. “I had no idea. I just kind of ran out of the house and left…” “Why?” Bianca pushed out air that was caught in her throat. “I had just kicked Trevor out, and I had the courage to do that because I had just gotten Caleb’s address from the private investigator I hired.” “Ah, so that’s how you found him.” Roman’s flirtatious voice lifted her. Everything felt so much lighter with him. “You weren’t expecting a sleepover?” A grin carved itself into his face. Bianca couldn’t help but laugh. “Not more than the night in my truck.” “You spent the night in your truck?” “Yep.” “You poor thing.” Roman looked at her with feigned sympathy. “Pack a bag next time you go on an adventure.” He laughed and Bianca played along, giving him an obviously fake “I’m hurt” look. She scrunched her nose up. “I need to grab some things from the store, but I can’t really go out like this.” She spread her arms over the tea on her jeans accusingly. “How about if I run out and grab you some essentials? I could pick you up some

clothes.” He shrugged with a playful smile. “I guess I really don’t have much of a choice, do I?” Bianca giggled and smiled back. “I’m trusting you here.” “Well, I had better do a good job then.” Roman mocked her tone. “Seriously, anything you get would be fine. Jeans and t-shirt.” She shrugged, then ran her tongue over the front of her teeth. “And maybe a toothbrush..” Roman laughed again and grabbed his keys. She noticed he was already dressed. “Roman?” “Hmm?” “What time is it?” “It’s eleven. I was going to wake you, but I figured you had a long couple of days and could use the sleep.” He paused before heading out the door. “Feel free to grab a shower and whatever you want from the fridge.” The door closed behind him, and Bianca let out a breath. The weekend had been an exhausting and beautiful but unexpected adventure. One she had made a big mess out of. She looked down at her pants again. It was time to clean up. Bianca wiped up the tea, and now she needed to face the day and clean up the rest of her mess, starting with Trevor. Not bothering with her hair, which could only imagine was a whole other kind of disaster, Bianca strolled into the kitchen where she found fresh coffee on the counter and poured a steaming cup. This house is heaven, she thought to herself. Calm and peaceful, tidy but lived in. It was nothing like life with Trevor. Her feelings toward Roman had grown so much in the past two days, she couldn’t ever imagine going back to how her life had been before. The coffee was incredible and Bianca found bread in the cupboard and apricot jam to make some toast. After she was awake and satiated, Bianca wandered the house in her still slightly damp jeans, touching picture frames, chairs, taking in all the Roman-esk

ambience the house had to offer. She felt like some kind of stalker, even though she had permission to be there, it just felt so surreal, the whole house. A whole decade of Roman she had missed, just like Caleb. These people who were supposed to be in her life, the people she was supposed to be there for and call family, had lived their lives separately. Being with Roman again, and seeing Caleb, she realized the true depth of what she had missed in her life. Bianca touched the deep mahogany of a polished antique desk. The brass handles were shiny and new, modern sleek metal, unoriginal to the desk, but they fit perfectly with the aesthetic. Bianca grabbed on and pulled one. The drawer slid open easily revealing some paperwork, letters and the corner of a photograph hiding underneath it all. Bianca hadn’t meant to invade his desk, but it was already open and she couldn’t help herself. She pulled the photograph out and found her own younger face staring back at her. It was her high school class photo. “He really never forgot about me..” Bianca whispered, somehow both shocked and not at the same time. She stuffed the photo back in his drawer and vowed not to dig into anymore of his personal belongings. She poured herself another coffee and found a clean towel in a linen closet. It was soft and fluffy and smelled like a cloud. Roman must have lived alone for so long that he developed some pretty hardcore housekeeping skills, Bianca thought as she hugged the pillow like a teddy bear. She padded barefoot to the bathroom and turned the water on to let it heat up while she undressed. She folded the stained jeans into a small square and wrapped the underwear she had worn for two days up in toilet paper and threw them directly into the trash. “If Roman doesn’t get undies, I’ll go commando, but I am not putting you back on.” Bianca said aloud to the trashed panties. She took off her beloved dragon tank top and folded neatly and carefully, putting it safely on the countertop. The dragon’s orange eyes bore into her. She was finally doing it, the thing she kept saying she was going to do all these years. The shower boiled as she cooked up her plan. She would have to face him again, but she would be ready. The water steamed and Bianca stepped into it basking in the sweet heat of the water, she stepped backwards and let it pour over her aching shoulders, relieving the tension of sleeping in strange places and being

accused of things she had no memory of doing.

22

Chapter 22

Roman fingered the soft fabric of a red sleeveless top that looked to be about Bianca’s size and pulled it off the hanger; he had found matching dark wash jeans and a purple toothbrush for her. Circling the store with a sunny disposition and a clear mind, a goofy smile plastered on his face. Bianca was staying at his house and, he hoped, at some point, he would get to meet their son. He hoped to meet Bianca’s husband too, but for an entirely different reason. The guy had messed with the woman he loved and his son’s life, Trevor had essentially stolen them from Roman because Bianca had been right. Roman would have come back to take care of both of them had he known she was pregnant. How could I be stupid enough to believe those texts were actually Bianca? He had been asking himself the same question many times over the past few days, but at some point he just had to it that he had made a mistake. He shrugged it off, letting the past be the past. Roman considered it one of his strengths that he let the past go and move forward, although oftentimes, that was easier said than done. And he had never actually moved past Bianca. Roman noticed a flowery blue bra peeking around the corner in the undergarments section and smiled. Do I dare? The bra was totally her style. Size? No idea. Shrugging his shoulders in frisky inspiration, he picked it up and went searching for underwear to match. He picked out a black pair tossed it over his arm, not caring at all how strange he must look shopping in the women’s underwear section. Bianca was, even after so many years, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life, and she was a beautiful woman who likely desperately needed clean underwear, even if she hadn’t outright asked Roman for it. Roman thought for a second, and picked out a few more pairs for her, he was

assuming at some point this dream would end and she would head back to her own house, but if she wanted to stay a few more days, he would make sure she had the clothes she needed. The shopping venture felt like a test, a challenge to see how well they still knew each other and if Roman was right and Bianca was still the fun-loving, low maintenance woman he had fallen in love with as a teenager, then just maybe, all his prayers would be answered. She had strolled back into his life and made him happier in two days than he had ever been in the last ten years. Maybe she would be open to staying in his life, and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t be alone anymore. Maybe they could even find a way to have their son in their lives as well. Roman daydreamed about his perfect family life as he strolled over to the checkout, picking a bright green hairbrush and pack of hair bands off the shelf on the way. Bianca never liked her hair down. Roman chuckled, ing her quirks little by little. Then he noticed on the shelf, a new edition of an Archie comic book and a wave of nostalgia washed over him. “Hmm.” He mumbled as he picked it up, turning the pages and iring the ink work and the little conversation bubbles above the character’s heads. He placed the comic on the conveyor belt. I wonder if Caleb likes comics too? He wondered, smiling to himself. Has he inherited anything from me? Bianca was a dream come back to life, but Caleb was a mystery. He couldn’t even imagine what his son was like. The dinged and dinged and dinged and the plastic bag crinkled as Roman picked it up and sauntered out of the shop. He couldn’t drive home fast enough, knowing there was a goddess of a woman there waiting for him. He thought about Caleb and all the pain he must be in, actually thinking his mother, whom he just met would lie about something as important as his adoption. Caleb didn’t know Bianca well enough to believe her, but Roman did. Roman knew her to her core, he could read emotions on her face, in her eyes and he knew as soon as she denied sending the texts that she was being truthful. She was being truthful about her knowledge about the adoption as well, the pain read through her whole entire body, Roman saw Bianca shake, clench and hold tension throughout her as she spoke about the experience, she wasn’t trying to put on a show, the movement had been miniscule and involuntary. Roman noticed all of it; he lived a quiet life and had become an expert in observation.

Bianca was different from she was in high school, a bit harder, a bit more closed off and certainly more mature. Roman could only guess at the things she had seen and what she had gone through, but, it seemed, instead of letting it destroy her, Bianca was, at least at this point, allowing it to make her stronger. She’s still the same. Even more impressive and incredible now. He thought. Roman was falling fast. He allowed Bianca’s energy to fill him up with bliss as he pushed through the door of his house and called her name. “Bianca!” He waited, hearing no answer. He felt a temporary anxiety that maybe she had changed her mind and decided to leave without him, but he pushed it out of his head. “Bianca?” He yelled again as he walked through the kitchen, her name this time sounding like a question. Reaching the short staircase of the backsplit home, he heard the shower running and found the answer to his question. “Bianca?” He rapped on the bathroom door. It was slightly ajar, steam leaking out of the small crack. Bianca didn’t reply, he called twice more before she finally answered. “Roman?” “Hey, I got your clothes, I figured you might—” “I can’t hear you. Just come in here,” Bianca said, cutting him off. Roman shrugged and opened the door without hesitation. He didn’t need to be invited twice. The room was thick with steam. It curled toward the ceiling in clouds like smoke from a dragon. “Are you planning to boil yourself alive there?” Roman asked lightheartedly. “Sorry, the heat just felt really good.” Bianca poked her head out from behind the sheer shower curtain. It didn’t hide much and Roman felt a shiver run through his body, weakening his legs when he saw Bianca’s wet hair draped over her shoulder.

He hesitated for too long and Bianca noticed. “What?” She gave him a sly smile, like she already knew what the issue was. “I—just—It’s—” His brain felt as foggy as the steamy room. Bianca’s face suddenly grew serious, and Roman’s watched her eyes as she thought deeply for a moment. He stood there in silence and waited. Roman was about to turn and leave the room, fearing that he was invading her space and making her uncomfortable, when Bianca’s head snapped up. She looked at him like a hungry wolf, her eyes narrowed, her lips firm. Bianca pulled back the shower curtain and stepped out, inviting Roman with her body only. Roman didn’t need more than that, moving swiftly toward her, throwing the bag of clothes to the floor and used his hands to lift her up, Bianca wrapped her legs around him tightly, not noticing or caring really that she was drenched and he was still wearing all his clothes. Their lips found each other in an instant and locked together. Roman had full access and did not hold back, Bianca’s skin calling his hands in every direction. Roman carried her carefully over the threshold and back into the steaming shower, the heat enveloping both of them. The cool sheets felt ridiculously decadent after the raging heat of the shower and Bianca and Roman’s entangled bodies. Bianca’s heat rested on Roman’s chest and it felt too stereotypical to her. Like her life was now a perfect movie. Bianca sat up and pulled Roman’s silky comforter up over her chest as she leaned to the left, searching the bedside table for her phone, which she knew she had left somewhere. Roman watched her quietly. “It’s twelve-thirty,” Bianca answered his unasked questions before even looking at him. Bianca pulled out her phone and scrolled through her s until she found Trevor’s number. She did not hesitate as she pressed the call option and the phone immediately started ringing. “Hey, Trevor? Yes, it’s me.” Bianca rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue at Roman. “No, no, you’re completely right, I’ve come to my senses and I want you back. When can you meet me at the main pier in the city?” She paused to listen. “Tomorrow morning? I’ll see you there.”

Bianca hung up the phone call, and turned to Roman. Smiling, he watched her green eyes as a fierce independent power rose in them. Roman felt the ecstasy he had felt only moments ago rise again in his chest, Bianca was going to take him down.

23

Chapter 23

It was a beautiful Monday morning when Trevor backed his wonky rental car out of his mother’s driveway. The change from the suffocating white cleanliness of his mother’s house into the bright, exhilarating air of the day had never felt so good Trevor. Bianca had called, she was ready to make things right with him. Finally. And she’s got no idea that I knew she had gone to find her son. Trevor thought, feeling incredibly clever. It must not have gone well. He concluded, shrugging his shoulders. Trevor had a plan to show up after Bianca did and have a little chat with the boy’s foster family, but it was looking like that wouldn’t be necessary, Bianca had circled back to right where Trevor wanted her. He smirked. Trevor certainly hadn’t been looking forward to messing with Bianca’s son’s life any further. It was all a means to an end for him. He stayed out of trouble as much as possible unless absolutely necessary. And Bianca, he had decided, was absolutely necessary. Trevor had been at his mother’s house for two days and he was already losing his ever loving mind. The night before his mother had stood behind him and watched in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, and commented every time she thought he hadn’t brushed one well enough. Trevor ed to lock the bathroom door when he brushed them that morning. Trevor hated to it it, but he could tell he needed Bianca just as much as she needed him. He couldn’t afford a place on his own with his banker’s salary, and if he didn’t reel her back in, he would be trapped with his mother until he could figure something else out. Trevor’s caterpillar left him alone that afternoon as he drove contentedly to the pier, plotting what he could say to Bianca that would allow him back in her home, although she didn’t sound like she needed much convincing on the phone. Bianca was alone once again, having failed so quickly with her son. She didn’t even need my help to mess it up! Trevor chuckled out loud. Bianca

certainly has her strengths, but she has an absolutely wonderful way of ending up completely alone. The pier opened up in front of Trevor as he pulled into a parking spot next to the wooden slats that made up the uniform walkway beside the water. It clonk, clonk, clonked when he turned it off. Trevor curled his nose up. It smelled strongly of fishy sea water here. Trevor spotted Bianca immediately, standing at the edge of the pier, looking down with a familiar look on her face that Trevor had seen several times over the years. He could spot that look a mile away. Bianca was desperate. Trevor sauntered toward her, feeling confident and in control. When all of a sudden, he wasn’t in control anymore, Trevor landed face-first, nose to the pavement, sputtering blood and rocks out of his mouth upon impact. “Ah shit man, I’m sorry, my bad completely, I didn’t see you there.” Two hands, Trevor could tell were male lifted him up by the shoulders. “You all right there?” The same voice asked Trevor, but Trevor didn’t answer. He was using the inside of his dress shirt to wipe the blood off his lips. It was bothering Trevor to stain the shirt, but the blood on his face bothered him more so that won out. “Would you watch where the fuck you’re going maybe?” Trevor swore at the stranger before he spun around. The man staring at him was tall and muscular with dark hair and his eyes were smiling though, they held an almost playful twinkle, while the rest of his face conveyed concern. “You’re right man, so sorry.” The man apologized again, and Trevor held a flat hand up in reply. The man looked vaguely familiar to Trevor but he couldn’t place him, so he brushed it off. “I’m fine. It’s fine,” he said coolly as he walked away. He looked again to the corner of the pier and Bianca had turned around, she was smiling and waving at Trevor. He walked up to her, not quite as in control, in fact he felt embarrassed and discomposed. “Oh, Trev, are you okay?” Bianca tried to reach out and touch Trevor’s hand as he held it to his mouth but Trevor snatched it away. He couldn’t stand pity, especially not from Bianca, it was her that needed the pity, not him. But he drew a breath and reminded himself why he was there. “I’m sorry, Bee. I’m sorry about our fight,” he said, reaching his hand back out to touch hers. She gratefully accepted it and held fast.

“I’m sorry too,” Bianca said. “And I have a confession to make.” “What is it?” he asked, even though he knew exactly what she was going to say. “After we got into that huge fight, I felt so alone, I went to find my son. His name is Caleb.” Bianca said. “But it was a stupid thing to do—I know that now.” Trevor looked into Bianca’s eyes, so big, so full of sincerity. The woman never could lie, especially not to him. Trevor lifted the corners of his mouth as he watched the corners of Bianca’s mouth fall. She was nothing without him, and maybe now they could finally stay the way they were supposed to be. Trevor irked face back into position. He needed to appear ive right now. Bianca was hurting, she was alone. This was Trevor’s chance, he had done it a million times and he could do it again. She would let him back in. He widened his eyes and forced tears for her to see when she looked at him. Trevor would listen quietly to her whole story, so he would be the hero Bianca needed him to be in that moment. “Trev, I don’t know what happened, it was terrible. They got so mad at me. They said I put Caleb into foster care, but I swear I didn’t.” Bianca teared up genuinely and looked away as if recalling a memory. “Someone placed Caleb into foster care for me and I wish I could find whoever it was and thank them because he has such a wonderful life now, something that I could never have given him.” Bianca pulled both hands flat against her heart with emotion. This can’t really be happening, she’s thankful? The gears in Trevor’s brain sprung to life, moving and churning at full force. “Someone put Caleb into foster care?” Trevor asked more blandly than he meant to. He was suspicious, but hopeful, desperate to believe this as truth. He had no other options left. Things were going too perfectly to plan. This couldn’t actually be happening, could it? Trevor was feeling numb with relief. This was exactly what he needed to get back into Bianca’s life. “Yes. There was a failed adoption… I am so happy. He’s with such a wonderful family.” Bianca’s face brimmed with emotion. Her cheeks flushed and Trevor could tell this was true. Bianca couldn’t lie to save her life. “I would have destroyed him, Trevor.” She paused. “I would have ruined his life.” She meant it. She really meant it. Trevor was overwhelmed with joy. He was

going to get to be the hero. For real this time. Trevor took a deep breath before speaking. This was going to change things forever. Bianca was never going to leave him again. “Bianca, it was me.” Trevor said proudly with a glaring smile. He couldn’t help it, the joy plastered itself all over his face. He could have never guessed she would be pleased about what he had done. Bianca could finally see all the good he had done for her, meddling in her life. She could finally see that he was right, and she was wrong. Trevor knew what was best, always. “It was you what?” Bianca asked furrowing her brows and tilting her head. “It was me who put Caleb into foster care for you.” Trevor started talking and then he couldn’t stop. The salty sea air carried his voice, and it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard. His heroism finally recognized. “I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew you couldn’t handle it. You just didn’t know it, so I had to do it for you.” Bianca asked wide eyed. “How did you do it?” “When they called, I told them I would let you know and gave them your email for the paperwork, since they said you could sign online and send it back, but of course, I had the to your email, so I took care of it all for you. I knew you didn’t want to be a mother. I knew you would thank me one day.” Trevor’s heart was bursting with elation, he didn’t need to work to think of sappy words to get Bianca to open up to him again, he didn’t need to lie. This time Trevor was being appreciated for something he had actually done, and that felt amazing to him. Trevor kept smiling his wide smile at Bianca, he kept smiling for several seconds as Bianca’s eyes went still, cold and hard like dark glass. “Did you send me the texts too?” A very familiar male’s voice said from behind him. He turned around to see the man who had tripped him earlier. His eyes didn’t hold anymore playfulness in them, they looked just like Bianca’s the same stillness. Trevor’s heartbeat sped up. Something wasn’t right. What the fuck is going on right now? He couldn’t figure out what to say, until he noticed the familiar man was holding up an iPhone. Trevor didn’t know whether he should feel angry at Bianca or the man, what kind of joke was this? The gears

in his brain churned faster. “What a minute, are you recording right now?” Trevor spat as he turned toward the man and took a step closer, when his memory finally rang. Trevor stopped dead. The photos from Bianca’s phone. The boy’s father. His name was lost on Trevor, but he had finally sorted out who he was. “You’re—you—but you can’t…” Trevor sputtered, shaking his head roughly. No. NO! There’s no way this is possible! Trevor thought and thought, but his mouth wouldn’t react. He gritted his teeth, feeling out of control and powerless. “Roman. ?” The dark-haired man stated, deadpan. “Oh, and yes. I am recording.” He said with a sleek got you grin. “You see, Bianca met our son, and he was under the impression that Bianca put him into foster care, and I was under the impression that Bianca had itted to cheating on me. So tell me, Trevor,” Roman said his name so harshly that Trevor backed down, stepping away. “How long have you been messing with my family?” Roman took a step toward Trevor to close the gap. Trevor backed down again, terrified. He trembled, knowing he wasn’t up for a fight. He had never been caught like this. He had no idea what to do or to get out of it. Twice in one week he had been trapped and made to look like a fool. You’re losing your edge. He took a step forward toward Roman. His breath rattled in his chest. He wasn’t a fighter, he couldn’t do this, Trevor could it that at least. But he would rather hold his pride and go down with a fight. Luckily for him, Bianca stepped between them. She put her hand firmly but lovingly on Roman’s chest. Even though Bianca was holding him back, she touched him softly, and he didn’t push against her. Bianca moved differently with Roman than she ever had with him. It wasn’t forced or competitive; it was trusting and considerate, like they were moving together, like they were in sync. Trevor was nothing if not honest with himself, and he could see that Bianca felt safe with this man. Roman looked at Bianca and with the look they shared, Trevor knew. They had been together. Trevor felt like he should be angry, but he was too scared to be angry. He knew at that moment he had lost. The woman he had a hold on for the past decade had finally escaped his grasp. So Trevor did the one thing he could think of, with Bianca there to hold off Roman, Trevor turned and bolted, right off the pier, to his car and drove away as fast as he possibly could. Back to the safe, suffocating embrace of his mother.

24

Chapter 24

Bianca didn’t try to stop Trevor as he ran. She didn’t call after him, and she physically held Roman back as he tried. She wasn’t going after him. She wasn’t angry at all the pain he had caused. Maybe she should have been, but her mind was going in a different direction now. Being angry wasn’t going to fix anything, Bianca had the solution to her problem. The only direction she was going was toward Caleb. “He’s not worth the pain in your hand after you hit him.” Bianca stated as she looked on. “not in the slightest.” She smiled. “He’s gone now and we’ve got what we needed. Let’s go make things right with our son.” Bianca said, turning toward Roman and stepping into his arms. “Me too?” Roman asked with child-like hope in his eyes. “Are you sure it’s okay?” “I think I’m going to need you there.” Bianca stated, exhaling doubt and inhaling courage. “Let’s go.” She said, taking Roman’s hand and pulling him toward her truck. Their plan to catch Trevor in all his lies had worked so very well, and it had been so incredibly satisfying. The strength pulsed through her and she was anxious to see Caleb and Maddy before it faded. Roman followed Bianca obediently to the truck, indicating that he would follow her lead through the process, and she felt that smiling. Bianca had regained a grip on her own life and she was never letting go again. The drive to Caleb’s house went by surprisingly quick. Bianca wasn’t nervous or apprehensive, she knew now that she could prove herself and all would be well again. She knew the small family would accept her, and she hoped she could eventually become a part of it. The day grew quiet and dark and overcast clouds swung over them as they drove, threatening rain. Roman didn’t say a word, but Bianca could see his face rearranging over and over calling as he rode the same

emotional rollercoaster that Bianca had when she had pulled up to Caleb’s house the day she met him. They turned onto Mutton Avenue and the street held the same air it had before; playing children and bright energy, despite the intimidating clouds. The activity continued all the way down the street until Bianca and Roman reached the house. “Bianca, is that house?” Roman asked once they were parked. “Yes.” “What’s going on? Why is there that red paper on the front door? There’re suitcases out front!” The worry in Roman’s voice grew as he processed. Bianca could picture it in his eyes even though she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring at the house, wondering what in the world was going on. “Let’s go find out.” Bianca was worried, but she was also on a mission. Whatever was going on, she was going to fix it. Bianca jumped out of the truck and walked fiercely toward the house, not bothering to wait for Roman, who was apprehensively stepping out. Bianca saw Maddy around the side of the house and called out to her. “Maddy!” She spoke loudly, and the woman whipped her head around. Bianca could see, even from the distance, she had tears in her eyes. Maddy wiped her face with a kerchief from her pocket as she started walking toward Bianca. She didn’t look angry, Bianca thought as she walked forward to meet her. “I know I’m probably not welcome here, but are you okay?” Bianca asked as Maddy approached her. “No, dear, I’m afraid we’re not.” Maddy replied. “What’s going on? I want to help. And I need to show you something to explain the other night, please, if you would just give me a ch—” But Maddy cut her off by holding her hand up and Bianca quieted immediately. “I shouldn’t have lashed out the other night. You see, we, well, really I have been going through it.” Maddy sighed and met Bianca’s eyes. “I haven’t been

able to pay the mortgage since Charlie died. They are foreclosing the house.” Maddy said it with strength, but Bianca could see she was also embarrassed. “But…Caleb and Tobi?” Bianca asked. “They will be taken from me,” Maddy said, losing her composure. “If I can’t provide a home for them, I can’t foster.” Maddy broke and started sobbing, Bianca did for Maddy what Maddy had done for her the very first time she met her. Bianca didn’t say a word instead she wrapped Maddy in her arms and squeezed. “I’m sorry to interrupt.” A quiet voice said behind them. Bianca didn’t need to turn around to know it was Roman, who had finally found the courage to leave the car. “Yes, it’s quite all right,” Maddy replied, wiping her eyes again. “How can I help you?” Bianca nodded at Roman, who took his hands out of his pocket and stood up straight. “Mrs. Bound? My name is Roman Callas, and I am the biological father of Caleb. I would like to ask you permission to meet him. I promise I will not overstep boundaries and I will be only the best influence in his life.” Roman’s voice quivered and Bianca smirked, knowing the feeling. She giggled at his propriety, loving how hard he was trying with his adorable monologue. Maddy didn’t say anything, but she walked up and hugged Roman. He jolted a bit, startled, but after a second, he hugged her back. “I have friends in the foster system, but if you’d like, you could petition the courts to try and keep Caleb.” Maddy broke with tears in her eyes. Roman nodded, but Bianca didn’t. “We will do no such thing,” Bianca said with strength, and Roman whipped his head around to face her. “Bianca, of cour—” “No, we won’t,” Bianca stated firmly to Roman. He didn’t understand. “Maddy is Caleb’s mother, and she will continue to raise him.”

“But Bianca, I told you, they are going to take my house, they won’t let me keep my boys.” Maddy started to tear up again. “No, they aren’t. You stop thinking that right now. You’re going to come and live at my house. All of you, there is more than enough room. I promised myself when I left to find my son that I would do what is right for him. And you, Maddy, are what’s right for him. I won’t be taking him, not when you have another option,” Bianca said firmly. Roman nodded his agreement. “Bianca?” A small voice came from behind Maddy. “What are you doing here?” Caleb poked his head out from behind Maddy’s shoulders. His eyes were on Bianca at first until he saw Roman. “You’re my dad, aren’t you?” Caleb asked with a smirk. “Told you he was smart,” Bianca mumbled to Roman with a smile. Roman didn’t look at Bianca though, his eyes were locked on Caleb, his mouth trying to formulate a sentence. A small “hi,” was all he managed to get out as his face lit up in a goofy grin. Bianca watched him and Caleb connect, instantaneously. Her heart soared and sank and soared again. “I’ve been waiting to meet you.” Caleb walked around Maddy, dismissing eye with her completely and right up to Roman. “I’ve been waiting to meet you too, but probably not as long as you’ve been waiting.” Roman laughed. “I mean, I just found out about you yesterday, and even since then it’s been terrible trying to wait so I can only imagine what it’s been like for you.” “Yesterday?” Caleb asked. “I guess you don’t know, I haven’t even seen your mo—I mean Bianca, since way before you were born. I didn’t even know she was going to have you!” Roman explained. And Caleb jolted into Roman’s open arms. Caleb walked into Roman’s arms and they stood for a long time, not wanting to let go. Bianca felt the swell of her heart as she saw the immediate love and trust

between them, and a guilty pull deep in the pit of her stomach, wondering if she would ever be able to build that kind of trust with her son.

25

Chapter 25

“What an awful, evil, absolutely pathetic excuse of a man.” Maddy shook her head after she was shown the video of Trevor on the pier. “I’m truly sorry I judged you, Bianca.” “It’s okay. I know you were just protecting Caleb. I should thank you for that.” Bianca sighed. “All this time, and I never knew. Thank God he ended up with you.” “Oh, thank you, dear. My, this has been a day, hasn’t it? I’d offer to put on a pot of tea, but…” Maddy sighed and rubbed her temples. “Do you mind if I go talk to Caleb for a moment? I’d like to tell him what you just told me.” “Of course.” Bianca watched as Maddy had a quiet conversation with Caleb that ended in a hug, relief written all over their faces. She hoped it would restore at least some of their trust in her. Before coming back over to her. Bianca looked at the dark circles beneath Maddy’s eyes, indicating the exhaustion she must be feeling. “Where are you going to go?” Bianca asked her as they watched Caleb and Roman talking outside in the backyard. It looked like the perfect conversation. Neither of them had stopped smiling since they started talking. “The shelter,” Maddy answered, staring out the window. “My sister lives across the country. I don’t have any other family here. I am going to stay at the shelter until I can find a way to get a place and try to get the boys back.” She puffed out her cheeks and breathed a shaky breath. “They will be okay, I can check in on them, I know a lot of the foster parents in the city. I know plenty of good families that could help out for a little while.” But her eyes drifted away. Bianca could see what Maddy was trying to do, she

was trying to do it all herself. But Bianca had to make her understand that she was trustworthy, that she was here and Maddy wasn’t alone anymore either. “But you will be away from them.” Bianca reasoned. “I will get them back,” Maddy said, but she didn’t look so sure. “I don’t know what’s right here,” she confessed. “We haven’t had the greatest experiences with past birth parents so…” She thinks if she moves in with me something bad might happen; she doesn’t trust me. Bianca thought, finishing what Maddy left unsaid. “I’m sorry about everything,” Bianca said, unable to think of anything else to say. What do you say to someone when their life falls apart? “I meant it, you know. Please, come stay with me.” She asked again, knowing Maddy’s answer. Maddy hadn’t accepted Bianca’s offer earlier, but Bianca wasn’t done trying yet. “I couldn’t, Bianca. I can’t impose on you, we just met and let me tell you, I do not need saving, young lady,” Maddy said sternly but giving a small smile to Bianca, letting her know she wasn’t trying to be harsh. But Bianca wasn’t accepting that. Bianca knew Maddy could trust her, that she wouldn’t let her down, she just had to make her see it. “How in the world do you think I would be saving you?” Bianca switched spots so she was directly in front of Maddy. “Maddy, you would be saving me,” Bianca said with conviction. “Do you know how long I have been without a family? I have been alone. My life has only been going in the right direction since the moment I decided to come looking for Caleb. And I can’t and won’t have Caleb without you. You are his mother, Maddy,” Bianca said. Maddy started tearing up and smiled. “You may not feel like it yet, but you are his mother too.” “So is that a yes?” Bianca asked. “What do you say we ask the boys?” Maddy proposed. “Great plan.” Bianca snapped her fingers and jumped up and bolted to the door with excitement. She was going to make this right.

When the back door swung open, Roman and Caleb, who were still deep in conversation, both jumped up, startled. Tobi, who was swinging solo on the playset, looked up briefly and then back down toward his shoes as he kicked the dirt. “Caleb, Tobi?” Bianca called loudly. The boys looked up in unison. “Can you please come here for a second? Maddy and I would like to ask you something.” Maddy took her place beside Bianca as Caleb and Tobi both walked up to the pair in utter confusion. Roman stood up but held back near where he had been sitting, respecting the boundary. Maddy knelt down in front of Caleb and Tobi. She had a smile on, but Bianca could read the distress in her eyes, she could tell this was hard for her. Maddy was an incredibly strong and proud woman, she didn’t realize how much this was helping Bianca. “Boys, I have something very serious to ask you.” Tobi and Caleb looked at Maddy with concerned eyes but staying completely silent, waiting patiently. “You know our home is being taken today. I am sorry I didn’t share with you sooner that we were running out of money. I didn’t realize this would happen so soon,” Maddy explained. Caleb and Tobi nodded their heads solemnly. “But, Bianca has offered to share her home with us. Now, it’s in a different town, so you would have to change schools, but Bianca has told me that it’s right on the ocean, and there’s enough bedrooms for everyone and we would be together.” Maddy looked at Caleb. “But if you two would rather stay with one of the foster family friends we have, we can do that too.” Caleb looked at Bianca, the hurt clear in his eyes. She backed away, not wanting to influence him. Caleb nodded, then he spun around to look at Roman. “Will you visit us?” “Are you kidding?” Roman took several steps forward. “Now that I know I have a son? Just try and keep me away. I’ll be there as often as you can stand me.” Roman winked at Caleb and looked up at Bianca, who was smiling a big smile at

him. “And we can all be together?” Caleb asked Maddy for reassurance, the sparks of excitement building in his eyes. Maddy nodded, tearing. “Okay, yes!” Caleb screamed as he hugged Maddy and went after to Roman. Bianca’s arms were left empty though, the hollow feeling inside of broken trust eating away at her. Bianca was determined to fix it though. “I’m off to grab some water and then continue the packing,” Maddy said to Bianca. She had stood up. Maddy’s face held relief but not excitement, Bianca hoped it would later. Bianca nodded at her and turned to Tobi, who stood quietly, still looking at his shoes. “Hey.” Bianca sat on the ground next to Tobi. “What’s wrong? You don’t want to live at my house?” Bianca whispered, so she didn’t draw attention to them. “No, it’s not that. I’m sure your house is great,” he answered with melancholy. “Then what is it? If you wanna tell me, I mean.” “Caleb has his mom and his dad now. I’m just going to be the odd one out. I don’t belong there. Caleb is going to get a new home, but it’s just going to be like I’m a guest.” Tobi wiped at his eyes. “Hey, that is not true.” Bianca laughed. Tobi looked up at her with hurt in his eyes. “Oh, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at myself. It just feels like no one gets it. Everyone feels like I’m just doing them a favor.” “Well, you are right? You just feel bad ‘cause Caleb is your kid really. I just get to tag along.” “No, Tobi, that’s not it at all.” Bianca sighed, thinking of how to explain things. “Look, all these years, since I had Caleb and before I had him actually, I lived with someone who wasn’t my family. My life wasn’t going right and I couldn’t figure out why.”

“Do you know why now?” Tobi asked her. “I do. It was me, it was because I wasn’t making my own choices, I was letting someone else pick because I thought it was easier and because I was scared honestly. But this, this is my choice. I want a real family, I always have.” Bianca smiled at Tobi. “And yes I came here to find Caleb but you are his brother and Maddy his mom, and you are part of that family too.” “Really?” Tobi asked. “Seriously. Tobi, that house would not be complete without you.” Bianca said. “So what do you say? Family?” Bianca stuck her hand out toward Tobi and he took it with no hesitation and shook. “Family!” Tobi replied with a smile as wide as the ocean itself.

26

Chapter 26

The winding gravel road seemed to go on forever as Caleb bumped along in his seat, their minivan trailing Bianca’s red truck. The cuts in the trees reveal an unruly ocean. Caleb watched the waves build but never got to see the splash as the dense forest hid the water again. He squirmed and bushed the seat beneath him, but the seatbelt held fast against his waist, reminding him that he needed to stay still. “Are we there now?” Caleb asked again, wriggling around impatiently. His legs ached to walk and run. His eyes longed to see his new home, his old one was taken from out beneath him, but Caleb had a feeling this one would be very solid ground. Maddy laughed, but her voice broke as the van bumbled its way over the gravel. “Caleb, I told you last time, I have no idea! I know just as much as you do, I’m following Bianca, that’s it.” Maddy’s words were serious, but her voice was giggly with excitement. “This does look like a driveway though.” “The longest driveway ever!” Tobi chimed in and they all laughed. “Agreed,” said Maddy as the trees finally opened up to turquoise blue water, the sun shimmering, bouncing off every wave crest. Brilliant green leaves canopied overhead, setting off the dull red of the lighthouse perched in the background overlooking the ocean. “Whoa!” Caleb sat up straight in his seat, craning his neck to see as much as he could. Caleb saw too much to take in all at once, too much color, too much life. He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them to look again, but he couldn’t take it all in. It was like color overload. Turquoise blue of the water, stark white of the waves when they reached their peak, the dull red of the lighthouse, pinks and yellows of flowers, the blacks and browns of the old house. And all the shades of

green. “This is where we’re going to live?” Tobi asked excitedly. “Actually?” “I didn’t know she had a lighthouse,” Maddy mumbled. “This is beautiful.” “Let’s get out! Mom! Can we get out? Please!” Caleb bounced up and down against the floor of the minivan. “Caleb!” Maddy said again, but he could hear in her voice that Maddy couldn’t resist any longer either. “Please, Mom!” Tobi ed in. “Yes, of course.” The boys burst out of the van like frightened bunnies. They couldn’t walk straight, they looked in one direction into the forest, then twisted to examine the ocean, then swiveled to study the lighthouse, then spun back around to check out the house. Caleb saw Bianca standing against her truck as she watched the boys’ first impressions of their new home. Caleb followed his mother over as she went to stand beside Bianca. “Bianca, this is beautiful,” Maddy said. “I’m grateful, truly.” “Are you okay?” Caleb heard Bianca ask. Caleb knew his mom was not totally okay, even if she said she was. But Caleb also knew that Maddy had stuffed one of her whole suitcases full of picture frames from the wall, and even one of Charlie’s prize fish that he had preserved and mounted. Caleb could only hope that Bianca would allow his mom to hang everything up again. “I’ve known for a while it was coming. And now that I know what’s happening next, it feels like a load off.” Maddy answered. Caleb stayed silent in the back, watching his two moms interact. Feeling more than a little conflicted about moving here and putting all their trust in Bianca.

“Well, I’m grateful too.” He heard Bianca reply. He watched her smile and hoped that was true. “The lighthouse is gorgeous,” Maddy continued. Caleb felt the same way when he saw the giant structure. “Can we go up to the top?” Caleb asked Bianca quietly. It was the first time he had directly spoken to Bianca the whole day. He saw her smile a little when their eyes finally connected. Caleb knew he wasn’t being fair to her, but he couldn’t help it. He still felt sad, betrayed, and a bit confused. Why hadn’t Bianca told Roman about him? Caleb could have a father this entire time. He was trying to give her another chance, but he still felt very guarded. His life had changed drastically in the past few days, he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. “Needs work,” Bianca replied. “I want to save up and fix it. Get it working again.” She sighed. Caleb watched her face move as spoke, he thought they looked the same a little, but now, as she spoke, Caleb realized her face didn’t look anything like his. Their eyes matched color and so did their hair, but Caleb realized he didn’t look like Bianca in the slightest. Caleb looked like Roman, he looked like his dad. Caleb felt a small smile spread on his felt, a feeling of belonging spread over him. Caleb looked at the tall lighthouse and felt a weird sensation. Like he was being watched, not in a bad way, but like the lighthouse was a guardian of some kind, watching over him.

27

Chapter 27

Bianca’s eyes squinted in the sunlight as she watched the family explore the property. She knew where her sunglasses were inside, but she couldn’t miss a second of this. In the distance, she could see Jerry leaning against his black van with, from what she could tell was a deeply satisfied smile on his face. He had called Bianca earlier that day to check in. When Bianca filled him in on all the events, Jerry asked if he would be able to witness her son coming home.. Bianca, of course, said yes. After all, she wouldn’t have found her son without his help. Maddy and the boys were too excited to notice him drive up, and he didn’t get too close, just far enough to watch the excitement and yet still maintain their privacy. Bianca gave him a little wave, and he nodded back at her. He was far away, but Bianca swore she saw him wipe away a little tear as he drove away, apparently decided that his work here was done. Maddy was scoping out the yard, Bianca had a feeling she was looking for a place to put a garden. Wherever she picked, Bianca would say yes. Bianca planned to do whatever it took to make the three of them feel at home here. The boys were in the forest, but not too deep. Bianca could see them flicking in and out behind trees. She smiled again. Her face hurt a little from all the smiling. Caleb had even spoken directly to her. It felt like progress. The buildings looked just as worn down as it had when she had left, but somehow the entire property seemed different. Brighter. More alive. The lighthouse stood a little taller. The house looked a little more stable, and the waves crashed a little softer, even the ocean felt calmer. “Can we help?” Bianca turned around to see Tobi and Caleb standing behind her holding leaves, pinecones, sticks and rocks in their hands. “We’re doing a scavenger hunt right now, but can we help fix up the lighthouse when you do?”

Tobi asked again. “Absolutely,” Bianca said, and she walked over to them. Tobi’s face was joyful and relaxed. Not a hint of the trepidation he had expressed the day before was written on his face. Bianca hoped that she had convinced him that he was wanted, because he absolutely was. The whole group looked toward the driveway when they heard the gravel churning as Roman’s car emerged from the trees, the small rocks crackling beneath the tires. “Well, look who’s here,” Bianca said. “He’s late.” Caleb laughed as he bounced on his toes again. “Only a little,” reassured Maddy. Roman stepped out of his car, and Caleb leapt off the ground, racing toward him. Bianca’s guilt had faded and acceptance took its place. Bianca understood why Caleb wasn’t as open with her; she had made mistakes. But she was going to change all that, as she had changed so much already. The wounds of the past were going to heal, and she was going to stitch them up with trust. After all, now she had help. She had Maddy, Roman and Tobi. They trusted her, and they would help Caleb trust her too. Bianca watched Roman hand something to Caleb, a small book it looked like. Roman was opening it and turning pages, it looked like he was explaining something to Caleb. The pair eventually walked over to the group and now that he was closer, Bianca could see that Caleb was holding an Archie comic. Bianca decided not to comment on their moment and instead let them keep it for themselves. Roman’s eyes met Bianca’s. “You’ve let this place go, Bianca.” “I know,” Bianca said, ashamed. “I’m hoping my new fam will help bring it back to life.” Bianca said with animation, winking at Maddy. “Let me show you the house!” “Okay! Can I see my room first?” Tobi asked her.

“Oh! Wait a second!” Roman stopped Tobi. “I have something for you.” “For me?” Roman handed Tobi an issue of Archie too, a different one than the one he had given Caleb. “Sorry it’s not the same issue as Caleb’s, I didn’t know he had a brother when I picked that one up for him. I got this one for you on the way up, that’s why I was late.” “That’s okay!” Tobi nodded, flipping through the comic. “Now we can switch when we’re done!” “I was telling Caleb that I loved these when I was younger,” Roman explained. “I wanted to that on to my… Well, to you guys.” “Thanks, Roman.” “You’re very welcome.” “So…about the rooms? Who gets the first pick?” Caleb had tucked his comic into the crook of his arm and was bouncing on his toes again. “Yeah, seriously, good question.” Tobi gave a competitive side glance in Caleb’s direction. “I actually don’t know who’s room is who’s, we will have to figure that out once we’ve looked at everything.” Bianca laughed. “Yessss.” Caleb hissed. “We pick!” He yelled as he ran in, followed closely by Tobi who did not want to be left out of the action. “Bianca, there’s a razor on the porch,” Maddy said as she pointed. “And a tie over there.” Roman motioned to a spot on the grass. “And what’s this now?” He picked up a bottle of cologne. “Is this Trevor’s stuff? Is this what you meant by you didn’t leave it in the best state? You just threw it on the lawn?” Roman asked her. “Well, yes, actually.” Bianca said softly.

“Good for you, dear!” Maddy laughed as she placed an arm around Bianca and Roman gave her a smile from where he was standing. Bianca stood a little taller, the validation building her up. The adults heard a distant “No!” and picked up their pace filing into the house. “Boys?” Maddy called from the entrance way once she had gotten in the door. “Come down here! Let’s let Bianca give us a tour, please.” “Mom!” Tobi raced down the stairs in a flash. “Mom, Caleb wants the same bedroom I want!” Maddy chuckled and gave Tobi a pat on the head. Caleb peeked his head round the staircase wall and stuck his tongue out at Tobi. Tobi crossed his arms and glared in response. Roman stifled a laugh but didn’t intervene. Bianca watched his eyes look up the walls, study the furniture. He walked to the corner of the kitchen. “Same fridge.” He sent as he ran a finger down the white textured plastic. “I kept whatever I could. Grandfather showed me how to fix most of it when it breaks down.” “The fridge is great and all but what about the rooms guys?” Tobi sounded exasperated, like the adults didn’t have a clue about the important things in life. “All right Bianca, we’re ready. Please show us around.” Maddy said, blatantly ignoring Caleb and Tobi’s shenanigans. “Okay so, this.” Bianca put her hands in the air like a tv show hostess and spun. “Is the kitchen, nothing fancy, I know, but all the appliances work.” She pressed a button on the old white oven and it beeped for proof. Her crowd of spectators giggled. The old green on the walls looked stale, Bianca was only a little embarrassed. She should have taken better care of this place. “And coming in here, this is the dining room.” She tilted her head sideways before continuing. “We may need a bigger table.” She stated. “I don’t think the two chairs are quite enough.” Roman agreed. “You need a four seater.”

“Five.” Caleb’s voice came from behind him and everyone turned toward him. “You promised to come over. You’re gonna come for holidays and stuff, right? Like Christmas?” Caleb sounded a little worried. “As long as your mom and Bianca want me here,” Roman answered. “Are you kidding? You’re part of this family too!” Maddy said brightly. “Right, Bianca?” “Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Bianca winked at Roman, who smirked back at her. Bianca continued moving through the hall, down to another doorway. She swung the door open, revealing a medium-sized room with a small bathroom attached and a large closet. “Oh!” Maddy’s voice leapt. “Who’s room is that?” “I don’t know,” Bianca answered. “No one stays in it right now.” “Would you mind if I took it? My knees aren’t what they used to be, and I’d be happy to avoid the stairs.” “Maddy, you get the pick of the house!” Bianca laughed. “The room is yours.” “All right, I’m so excited. I’m going to get my stuff out of the truck right now, I’ll explore the rest of the house later, dear! Carry on!” Maddy said as she walked away, already on her way outside. Caleb and Tobi laughed and Bianca smiled, happy that Maddy was so excited. She hoped the boys could sort out the room situation and they would be happy too. “Ready to see the living room, guys?” Bianca clapped her hands together and spun around, leading the boys through the hallway, past the stairs and around the corner to the back of the house. A large bay window looked out onto the ocean, the window seat filled with a few down pillows and many smaller, snuggly pillows that Bianca had sewn together herself when she was younger. On the opposite wall, the cozy living room had an old stone fireplace. Bianca used to think that it looked run down, but as she got older, she grew to find it rustic and charming.

“Cool!” Tobi exclaimed. “Can we roast marshmallows?” he asked, running his hand over the stones one by one. “Sure. Let’s do it tonight, I can pick some up in town later!” She felt all giddy and bubbly inside. “Let’s celebrate. This is your home now too, all of us, together.” Bianca smiled. “And I like marshmallows!” “Hey, am I invited?” Roman asked. “Yes!” Caleb answered, jumping in. “If that’s okay.” He looked at Bianca, who nodded. “Sweet! Marshmallow night!” Roman bellowed in a sing-song voice and the boys giggled. The stairs creaked quietly as Bianca led the bunch upstairs to sort out the rooms. Quiet, excited whispers from the two boys made all the adults smile silently as they ascended the old staircase. Once at the top, the two boys rushed to the room at the back of the house with the window overlooking the ocean and the lighthouse and began bickering once more. “Ah, well, that explains it. The view.” Roman started speaking quietly to Bianca. Bianca looked at him in surprise, he ed the house, for some reason, she hadn’t expected that. “That was my grandfather’s room, ?” she said. “Oh, shit.” He turned to look at her. “I ed the room, but I forgot that detail. Are you okay with one of them in there? I mean, I’m sure you could have them share the other room if you’re not,” Roman asked empathetically, but Bianca shook her head with a smile. “No, this is their house too now. Plus, I think my grandfather would like to know that his grandsons are fighting over it.” Bianca smirked. “You might be right about that,” Roman agreed. The boys were still bickering when Bianca and Roman stepped into the room. “But I’m older, Caleb!” Tobi said sternly.

“By a month! And that doesn’t mean you automatically get the best room!” Caleb argued back. “Well, I’ll just fart in it and then it’ll have to be mine.” Tobi yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. “Whoa!” Bianca said, laughing. “There has to be a way to solve this fairly. You can’t claim things with farts, Tobi.” Bianca said it jokingly, but Tobi scowled back at her seriously. “Coin toss?” suggested Roman, crossing his arms. “That sounds fair!” said Bianca, and the boys both nodded begrudgingly. “Okay, I’ve got a quarter, who wants heads?” Roman asked, and Caleb threw up his hand. “Caleb is heads, and Tobi, tails.” The boys both nodded again as their eyes fixed intently on the quarter. Roman used his thumb to toss it, it almost hit the ceiling going up, and seemed to come down in slow motion. Roman didn’t attempt to catch it, he let it land softly on the carpet so everyone could see it and there would be no arguments of cheating.. “UGGGH!” Caleb turned away when he saw the elk face up. Tobi clapped, but Bianca watched Tobi’s face change when he saw Caleb’s disappointment. “You know.” Caleb turned back around to face Tobi. “I mean, we already have bunk beds.” Tobi mused, putting his thumb and index finger on his chin like he had just had a deep thought. “We could just, share?” “Yes!” Caleb agreed. The brothers high-fived and it was finally settled. Tobi and Caleb, immediately best friends once again, started planning out where furniture would go, which wall would be best for the bed to a view of the window. Everyone was perfectly happy for five seconds until they heard a shriek coming from outside.

28

Chapter 28

Bianca and Roman rushed across the hall to the window of the second-story bedroom. It faced the driveway and they couldn’t believe what they saw there. Caleb and Tobi strained from behind the two adults, trying to get a glimpse of what all the yelling was about outside. “Bee, this is my house. My house!” The last person Bianca had expected to see on her front lawn was Trevor, and yet, there he was. “I’ve lived here for ten years, Bianca! I took care of this place!” Trevor was screaming at the house, but Maddy was right in front of him. Bianca couldn’t see Maddy’s face, but she was slowly backing away from the stranger. “Shit,” Bianca mumbled quietly so the boys didn’t hear. She looked at Roman. His eyes were fixed on Trevor. “Who is it?” Tobi asked loudly, but no one answered him. Roman didn’t say anything, he left the room and flew down the stairs swiftly like an angry ghost, barely touching each step. “Listen to me.” Bianca grabbed each boy by a shoulder and looked them dead in the eyes. “Stay. Here.” She said each word like a sentence with great emphasis. “I mean it, okay?” Bianca didn’t realize she was bossing them around for the first time. Her first act as a mother figure. “Ugh.” Tobi gave her an eye roll and a groan, but nodded. “Ok,” Caleb answered quietly.

Bianca didn’t waste any time, she left the boys in the empty bedroom and followed the path Roman had taken. Bianca couldn’t move fast enough, no matter how quickly she went, everything still felt surreal, like it was in slow motion. I have to get to Maddy. Was her only thought. Bianca knew Trevor had only come back for one reason: revenge. Bianca knew he was here for her, but she also knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to bulldoze over anyone who got in his way. She pushed through the screen door to reach a stand-off in the front yard. It slammed shut behind him. Three pairs of eyes connected with hers. Roman was already standing in front of Maddy, shielding her from a belligerent Trevor, but Maddy was looking over his shoulder and she didn’t look scared, just angry. Bianca moved quickly and stood in front of Roman. He tried to stand beside her, but she side-stepped him, keeping herself between them. “I’m surprised at you, Trevor.” She said to him, and truly she was, he was not the type to seek out confrontation in the presence of strangers. He must really be coming unraveled, Bianca thought, and she knew that made him very dangerous. She stood firm, determined to protect her family. “No, I’m surprised at you,” Trevor spat back, and Bianca had to take a step back. She sniffed a pungent odor in the air. “Have you been drinking?” She asked, furrowing her eyebrows. Now that was really unlike him. The situation started to feel even worse, unpredictable. “Why the hell not? I’ve already lost everything. This is my, my house, Bianca!” He stomped his foot like a child and pointed to the ground possessively. “It’s mine.” He repeated. “You take your misfit family and leave!” He screamed at her, taking a step toward her aggressively, expecting her to cower back like she usually did. But Bianca didn’t flinch or cower, she wasn’t scared of him anymore. Bianca felt the courage rise in her like boiling water in a kettle, screeching because she was done. She took a step toward him instead. She didn’t balk this time, even when the stench of alcohol infected her nostrils once more.

“Get. Off. My. Property,” she said through her teeth, glaring eyes. She was serious, but he didn’t look ready to back down. Bianca prepared herself for the worst. “NO!” He stepped forward but stumbled, falling toward Bianca. She jolted out of the way, backward into Roman, who held her shoulders firmly and positioned himself beside her, grasping her hand. He said nothing, which she was grateful for. This was her fight, and she needed to battle alone, but Bianca appreciated his silent back-up. “We have been married for nine years Bianca, you owe me half this house! You need to sell.” Trevor smirked and Bianca felt her heart drop in her chest. He was serious. Suddenly she realized why he had shown up and why he had been drinking. He didn’t have a choice. This was do or die for him—he either needed to force Bianca to sell so he could get money for a new place or he would be forced to live with his mother. Bianca felt her hold break, and she moved back. Roman felt her retreating and hesitated, unsure of what to do or how to help. “Oh, you’ve got it figured out, do you?” Maddy’s confident voice sprung up from behind them. She moved from behind Roman to beside Bianca, no fear in her eyes, only power. Bianca was impressed but not at all surprised. “Yes, I do! And she owes me half the house and alimony.” Trevor answered Maddy but narrowed his eyes at Bianca. They held the need for dominance but also uncertainty, like he wasn’t sure if he could take on this many people, he was used to one on one. “No, dear, she doesn’t,” Maddy replied and Trevor finally looked at her, disconcerted. “What she owes you, is jail time.” A quick smile formed on her lips. “What?” Trevor asked, swaying and backing up. His eyes moved from Bianca to Maddy as his attention shifted slowly. Maddy had flustered him. The trio watched his haughty countenance decolorize. His animation blanched and his face fell. He was left a pale, shaken version of himself.

“Maddy’s right.” Bianca caught on. “You forged a signature on a legal document. You purposely put another person’s child into the foster care system, without their knowledge or consent, and that is what the courts are going to pay attention to, not your alimony checks.” Bianca said. “This is my family’s house, and it is staying in my family.” It was Maddy, who had opened the door to his downfall, but it was not Maddy that Trevor went after. Trevor saw Bianca back down a million times. He must have thought this time would be no different. He looked toward her, sobering up, red flames of anger burning inside his cheeks. Bianca watched his eyes flashed a hard anger that had once terrified Bianca. “Prove it,” he glowered. His eyes smirked, but his lips remained pursed together. “We don’t need to prove it, you already did,” Roman said, catching on in auxiliary. Roman opened his phone to a video and handed it to Bianca. She held it up in front of her like a shield, She was a warrior, daring Trevor to take her on.

29

Chapter 29

As the video played in front of his eyes, Trevor immediately recognized himself and Bianca talking on the docks that day. His skin flushed, his eyes went a shade of black. He looked like a demon. Trevor rushed Bianca. It didn’t matter to him that Roman was holding the phone, or that Maddy had broken his hold, he didn’t even that fact. It was Bianca who had destroyed him, so it was Bianca he went after but something stopped him. A rush of pain hit him in the stomach and radiated to his chest. An animal? No, a child! A rush of chestnut hair whipped around and Trevor could swear he had never seen anything move so fast—the kid was lightening. “Caleb!” He heard Bianca scream as Trevor fell. He watched Bianca grab the boy and pull him back toward her, but she couldn’t hold him. The kid squirmed out of Bianca’s arms and tried to face the instigator again. If Trevor hadn’t been the target of this wild child’s attack, he may have been impressed. Roman stepped forward to take over. He wrapped Caleb in a bear hug and held him back, Trevor looked behind them. There was another boy about the same age as Bianca’s son, with worried eyes and a gaping mouth standing frozen on the porch. An entire audience to witness his humiliation. Trevor wanted to be angry, he wanted to feel it, but he was in pain and distracted. There was too much going on. “It was you!” Caleb screamed at Trevor. Trevor looked at the boy, then to Bianca, she stared with a look on her face, like she was in awe at her son. Trevor couldn’t think fast enough. What was happening? Why couldn’t he gain control of this situation? “You’re a liar! You don’t belong here, and you’re not getting Bianca’s house!” Caleb yelled at Trevor, unafraid and seemingly unaware that he was a child

taking on an adult. Trevor still clutched over, gripping his stomach. He couldn’t seem to get a grip. He couldn’t organize his thoughts, he needed more anger to fuel him. The fear wasn’t helping. He felt stupid, and weak, humiliated. Trevor shook and bore his teeth like an angry dog, his sensibility leaving him. “It’s our house and we are going to live here now!” The boy had the nerve to scream at him again. That made Trevor angry. He felt it then. The caterpillar. Crawling, curling, stroking his spine, that distinctive innervation Trevor didn’t have the capacity to divert it right now, even with his audience, even if he wanted to. Who are these people to me? Why bother pretending? “You little shit.” Trevor swore at Caleb with breathlessness. “Don’t talk to him that way.” Bianca stood up to him again. “Actually, don’t talk to him at all.” She wouldn’t quit. There it was. The anger, gasoline on the tiny spark inside him, pulling flames out, hard and fast. How dare these people speak to me like this, this is my house! Trevor stood up, oblivious to the pain still burning in his stomach. He tilted his head, taking a step Bianca stepped in front of him. Facing him, head on, no fear. Nose to nose, she stared at him in the eyes. Trevor couldn’t see his Bianca in there anymore. This wasn’t her, this was someone else, someone who wasn’t afraid of him. The look in Bianca’s eyes killed Trevor’s caterpillar. It curled up and died. And Trevor finally backed down.

30

Chapter 30

Bianca could never, in a million years, imagine doing this. Imagine speaking this way to him. She had never won a fight with Trevor. She had never seen the anger die in his eyes like it did today. But then again, she never had such a good reason to not back down. As Caleb stood behind her with Tobi, Maddy, and Roman, Bianca knew. She would die fighting for them if she had to, but Trevor was not going to get through her. Not this time. “This is not your home anymore,” Bianca said to Trevor. “Get in your car and leave.” She could see in his eyes, he had lost the assuredness he had. She had proved to him that she was not the same person anymore and he couldn’t walk all over her. Trevor snorted, but said nothing, turning toward his car. The embarrassment had sobered him up and he didn’t sway any more, turning toward Bianca for the last time. She looked at him, the man she had shared a decade of her life with. She didn’t feel regret, Bianca was grateful for the strength and wisdom she had gained from being with him. But she was so elated that he was leaving. Trevor turned back from walking for a moment. “I never loved you.” His words dropped of truth. His voice sounded laced with remorse. “I know.” Bianca nodded and she let him go. Trevor left and so did all of her regrets, all of her mistakes, all of her compliance. No one else said a word. It was the last moment that Trevor shared with Bianca and it seemed to summarize their entire life together. It felt like an epilogue. It wasn’t an angry exchange, but instead, she felt like it was one last bit of honesty that Trevor extended to Bianca almost as an apology. It felt like closure, permission to move on.

Trevor walked to his car, looking defeated. Bianca’s family remained silent behind her. She had restored the trust in herself; she had made good on the promise she made that from now on Caleb and Tobi would come first.

31

Chapter 31

Two years later The overcast had stuck around for most of the day, but Bianca didn’t mind as it made it easier to see while working, no blinding sun to slow the process. But now, they were finished, and it was as if the sun knew that and had come out to congratulate them all. The lighthouse’s brilliant red sparkled, the white shimmered, it stood proud and tall. Bianca squeezed the little piece of lighthouse that had guided her through her journey and whispered a sincere thank you. She turned the piece over in her hand as she had done so many times, the rust filed down and painted over; the metal looked as new as Bianca felt inside. Repainted, repaired, ready to be where she belonged. It was time to put the lighthouse back together, just as she had put her life back together. “Ma!” Caleb’s voice carried from the other side of the lighthouse. “Ma, over here, look.” His shaggy brown hair flopped in front of his eyes as he bobbed his head around the curve of the building to find Bianca. “Come on!” he shouted at her without waiting, he turned around, knowing Bianca would follow. Caleb led Bianca to the back side of the lighthouse where Tobi was waiting. He looked excited. “How’s the job coming?” Bianca pestered him as she chuckled at his excitement. Caleb ignored her and kept circling the lighthouse. Bianca followed him to find Tobi crouching in the grass, surrounded by paintbrushes and rollers. White paint speckled the grass like summery snow, never melting. Tobi’s black shirt was nearly completely white, and the bush behind him also hadn’t evaded the paint attack. It looked like the boys had been having a full-on paint war back here, out of sight of the adults. Bianca grinned, she had expected nothing less when she put two thirteen-year-old boys in charge of a painting project. Bianca crouched down beside Tobi and Caleb, who were waiting eagerly to show something to

her. “Ma, look, I know we were supposed to paint over here, but take a look at this.” Tobi had shoved a large rock aside revealing a small square at the base of the lighthouse that looked as though it had been painted black, it was in perfect condition, protected from the elements by the hefty stone. “What is it?” Bianca asked, tilting her head. “I think it’s everyone’s names,” Tobi answered, as he wiped some grainy residue off that had been left behind from the rock. “It says ‘Carl’, that’s grandpa.” Caleb looked at Bianca. Her heart lit up when she heard him say “grandpa,” just like it did when she heard him call her “ma.” Their trust had grown over the years, although it seemed to Bianca, Caleb had always been partial to Roman instead of her, but she was appeased knowing they had, very slowly, developed a connection between them. It would never have happened without Tobi, who Bianca had connected with almost immediately. He was the glue between them. Tobi had immediately placed his belief in Bianca’s good intentions, and she knew his faith was the reason why Caleb had given her a chance. He was her son too, with or without the blood, it didn’t matter. Bianca knew they all belonged together. Bianca looked closer at the name carved into the black paint. “Yes, it was. He never told me this was here though, what does that say under his name?” Bianca asked, trying to move some overgrown weeds aside, and she could see more hidden. “It says ‘Keep it shining.’” Tobi squinted as he struggled to read the worn out letters. “Well, if Grandpa says to keep it shining, I think we had better do that.” Bianca stated as she felt her heart pull as she stood up. One last message from her grandfather, and she was going to heed it. “So it’s time?” Caleb asked excitedly, bobbing. Tobi shook his butt and danced around the grass, anticipating the answer. “Yup, it’s time.” Bianca tried to match the boy’s excitement, but there was

apprehension brewing. “Want to go get your mom?” Bianca asked, careful to keep her voice steady. But it didn’t matter anyways, Tobi and Caleb were already gone, sprinting across the large lawn, searching for Maddy. However, they gridlocked at once when they saw the SUV bumbling up the gravel driveway. The crackling sound of the gravel was music to Bianca’s ears. “Dad!” Caleb and Tobi screamed as they ran up for hugs and Roman jumped out the vehicle in time to pick both boys up briefly as they ran up to him, one in each arm. Groaning with feigned exasperation that made the boys laugh. Bianca giggled when he had to actually stretch his back out after putting them down. “Jeez, are they getting taller by the second or what?” Roman muttered with a smirk to Bianca as he walked up to her. “Yes, they are and you are going to need to start hitting up the gym and pumping some iron if you want to keep picking them up like that.” Bianca punched him softly in the shoulder. Roman pretended to be offended. “What are you talking about? My muscles are huge!” Roman demonstrated as he lifted Bianca off the ground and spun her, with her feet back on the ground, Bianca lifted her face up to his, reaching for the heat of his lips, but the kiss was brief and broke when they heard a ‘gross!’ and giggling approaching. “Mom’s coming!” Caleb informed them as Maddy emerged from the house and started making her way over. “Oh, it’s time, is it?” Roman asked, smirking again. Bianca stared adoringly at his dimple. “I’m just in time.” “Sure is.” Bianca winked. “Okay, everyone go stand over there by that big rock on the beach, you’ll get the best view from there.” She said, the group followed her orders compliantly, and she opened the lighthouse door and started up the spiraling staircase, feeling both exhilaration and anxiety. What if it doesn’t work anymore? What if it’s too old? She thought, taking step after step. Bianca couldn’t let herself stop moving or she knew she would chicken out. And in the event of her chickening-out, her family would be incredibly disappointed. Of course, won’t they be disappointed if I’ve destroyed the lighthouse so bad that it never works again? She shook her hands out and pushed the thought out of her mind. She had long ago given up thinking that

everything was going to go wrong for her. Bianca made her own destiny now. Bianca reached the top of the lighthouse and looked out the huge windows that encircled the entire perch. She felt like a bird sitting in a mountain-top nest. Bianca hadn’t seen this view in over a decade. She let it fill her up, feeling an old spirit stirring inside, feeling her old self come back to life. Take a breath. Bianca told herself, she heard it in her own voice then, not her grandfather’s. Spotting her family down below on the beach, she waved and they all waved back at her, Tobi giving her an encouraging thumbs up. I can do this. She took the refurbished lighthouse fragment out of her pocket and squeezed. Bianca nodded at Tobi and took a deep breath, courage building, she didn’t exhale before she flipped the switch. All at once the lighthouse was alive again. The lamps in the Lightroom flicked on and Bianca heard the distinct hum of her childhood as the lantern room roared to life, it whirred behind her. The light pulsed over the ocean and swung back around again to the beach, where her crowd was cheering her on; hooting and whistling. The light kept turning in a circle, as it always had, but this time it was showing Bianca everything she had done right. The light swept over the house roof, which had been replaced the year prior, no more leaks, it reflected off the small dock, built by hand one weekend via Roman and Bianca where the boys had been fishing that very morning, the stream of light moved to the forest where last month Roman and the boys and trimmed down tangled brush and removed fallen trees, it faced the driveway where new gravel had been laid and potholes filled in and finally it came full circle, again lighting up Bianca’s new family. The light illuminated something. The empty space of a missing piece. Outside the window, along a railing, the metal was severed. The work men had repainted and removed the rust, so the metal was as white as the piece she held in her hand. Bianca walked over and slid the window open. A gust of wind pushed against her but she didn’t feel it. The metal slid in. Precise. The perfect puzzle piece. Resting against the piece below it, Bianca found a spare bolt on a counter and weaved it through the ading holes. This was where it had come from. A completed jigsaw. The lighthouse was whole again. Restored. Bianca could see the seams. It wasn’t exactly how it had been before, but the scars only made it better. She slid the

window closed. The breeze halted and the stony silence of the lighthouse filled Bianca’s ears. It sounded like peace. It’s only been two years, I can’t believe how much we have accomplished. Bianca felt full of pride, love, and light. She descended the staircase like a floating feather, barely touching the steps, the anxiety forgotten. Tobi and Caleb were still cheering and running around when Bianca came out of the door at the bottom of the towering lighthouse. “It’s incredible!” Roman called as Bianca ran toward them, barefooted against the summer sand. “Isn’t it?” Bianca asked laughing. “I think my grandpa must be watching us with the biggest smile right now!” “I really hope so,” Roman said and his face grew serious as Bianca approached, only a few steps from them now. Bianca tilted her head and looked at Maddy, who was looking at Bianca with a knowing smile. Caleb and Tobi had quieted as though they knew exactly what was going to happen and were standing beside Roman, as he got down on one knee. “Bianca, you are the most courageous, inspiring, beautiful woman I have ever known. Will you please do me the honor of marrying me?” Roman’s voice was firm and true. His eyes held Bianca and there wasn’t a single doubt in her mind and she reached out and grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him to stand. She didn’t need the question, he already knew the answer. It was all just a romantic formality. “Yes,” she whispered as their lips met and the heat melted them both. Bianca felt almost delirious with happiness. The lighthouse shining against their backs and over the sea, unnecessary against the bright day, but Bianca was planning to let it shine all night long and into the rest of her life. “Does this mean you’re finally gonna let me move in?” Roman mumbled against Bianca’s mouth, unwilling to break their kiss. She squeezed him harder.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Tobi, Caleb chanted behind the couple and Bianca broke away from Roman finally. Maddy ed in the chanting with the boys. Her made Roman raise his eyebrows cockily, like she had to say yes now. And he was kind of right. “Well, it looks like the rest of the family has decided for me!” Bianca said laughing, she took Roman’s hand and led him toward the house. Their house. “Raaaaaaace!” Tobi screamed to Caleb as he jolted off, sand flying from beneath his shoes. The thirteen-year-old boys sometimes still acted like nine-year-old’s and those were Bianca’s favorite times. “No fair Tobi! You’re such a…” Bianca didn’t hear the end of the sentence as Caleb’s voice drifted off as he sprang away behind Tobi, following closely, and they burst in the front door before the adults even made it to the house. “I’m going to make some tea and cookies!” Maddy bubbled as she took over the kitchen, which she had made her own over the years. Bianca and Maddy had painted the walls a soft lavender shortly after they had moved in, and Maddy had replaced nearly all the dishes, silverware and placemats, with Bianca’s blessing. It had felt too good to start the house over and breathe a new life into it. Happy family pictures and art now lined the walls, the house often smelled of comforting, home-cooked meals. Bianca had given Maddy free rein, allowing her to do whatever she needed to make it feel like her home too. And in return, Maddy had taught Bianca how to cook all of her favorites and Bianca had savored the lessons, building the love between them, which somehow filled part of the hole left in Bianca after losing her grandfather. Bianca had never for a second regretted convincing Maddy to move in. So when Roman and Bianca walked into the home that finally belonged to both of them, by the grace of Bianca as they walked over to the dining room without a word. Three framed certificates hung proudly in a place of honor over the table where the family took their suppers every night, where they connected and mused over their days, good and bad. A large, taxidermied fish hung, mounted on the adjacent wall, next to a plethora of picture frames.

“Official adoption certificate of Tobias Morton,” Bianca said, looking at Roman with a smile. “Official adoption certificate of Caleb Morton,” Roman declaimed, in their perfectly constructed performance. “Certificate of Guardianship awarded to Madeleine Bound,” Roman and Bianca recited in unison. “Next time we say it, there will be a marriage certificate too,” Roman said in a soft-spoken voice. “We will have to adjust our routine,” Bianca whispered, falling into another kiss, but Roman broke it. Pulling a tiny, velvety purple box out of his pocket, Bianca started objecting immediately. “Roman, I don’t need a—” “I know you don’t need it.” Roman laughed. “I knew you would say no, but please. I bought it for you, I picked it out for you.” As Roman opened the small box, Bianca was already flinching. She had never liked diamonds. But this wasn’t a diamond. Atop the delicate golden band lay a single pearl. Understated and elegant, it was beautiful—it was her. “Bianca, I picked out this pearl because it represents the ocean. The home that you fought for. The place you belong. I love you, will you marry me?” “Do I really need to say yes again?” Bianca laughed with tears in her eyes. “Yes!” Roman said with urgency. And Bianca had to nod, because she couldn’t speak anymore. The ring fit onto her finger just like Roman fit into her life. Just like Caleb, Tobi, and Maddy fit into her life. She had been with the lighthouse the whole time, but with her family, she was finally home.

The End.