When I Am Someone Else 541i8

WHEN I AM SOMEONE ELSE Poetry by Kilayla Pilon Cover Photography by Ian Espinosa

I deserve every scar On this skin that I have given To this body that has weathered So many trials of war For all the mistakes I have made Decisions, I am corrupted How sickening I have darkened My once sugar sweet soul I have been left wandering Fallen into a deep dark hole And though I cannot rectify The mistakes that I have made I know that I have done my best To deliver all my pain

It's far too late You dragged a mirror put strategically Into the dining room Skin and bone aged twenty years I'm sorry, but I don't feel like sharing I am sad and wretched-looking No purpose in anything

There is stupidity in youthfulness A relaxing feeling of invincibility Where mistakes are made As far as consequences go We are free Until our bodies weather with age Our minds crumble, weakened by foolish dragon chasing Becoming a shell, a withered husk Riddled with damage we could not recover from

She chased happiness By razor blades and plunging substances into her veins Chugging poison every day Hoping one day she could say that she would be okay

Two packs of cigarettes Twenty dollars worth of contraband Drugs fueled the echoing beat Of her struggling heart For now that her love was gone All was pain and burning

Fear unexplainable Causing each heartbeat Every thought To grow accompanied By nausea Gasping breaths Skin crawling with Parasites of emotion An experience so common To her painful Ache filled days She breathed it away And pleaded too a God She wasn’t sure she believed in To bless her just enough That she would be okay

I begged for forgiveness Through prayers and solemn tears Hoping that my sorrow Would not be in vain As the voices whispered Taunting words Cursing me for my courage To not slice through my veins

Wading through treacherous water My lungs are empty So instead my chest burns With the lack of oxygen Caused by fear that claws At my tearfilled eyes And I imagine this is what it must be like To drown

I may be made Of stardust Years of evolution Yet still I remain A creation full of darkness A demon in waiting For the stardust that created Every yard of my scarred skin Every ounce of poisoned, tainted blood That courses through my venom veins Was a gift from the devil And he relishes in my pain

Will you me When years have ed Our wandering minds have begun To fall into decay Or when the sadness becomes so That even the shining sun No longer brings you warmth Will you me If I say I love you One last time

Anger burning like a flame Warming every inch of her body Keeping her heart racing But she knew someday She would lay in her grave And her rage that once burned so strong Would leave her nothing but cold And alone

My heart is racing I'm drowning in a sea of guilt I know I've made some bad decisions But it's so much fun to see what I can do With just a touch of sadness And suicidal tendencies Because danger is exhilarating Chasing dragons is my game My heart, if only it would stop beating That is my endgame

The gold is gone The light is burnt out The songs are lifeless The pain endless Because the blue eyed girl is gone And she can’t sing me another song

You blue eyed devil They call you an angel But you were you And you could be both a saint and a sinner Because you were a beautiful gentle mistress And then we blinked and you were taken Because you became a symbol of purity And purity is not something bestowed upon the human race We are a disgrace And you were so pure

Her heartbeat, fluttering An aching in her chest Oh how her heart fought to keep her alive As she tried to make it stop With a couple bottles of pills And tears that turned to anger How her heart kept beating Fighting to keep her alive When all she wanted was to die

She could not count how many times The razor blade that kissed her skin Had been claimed to be A cry for attention A display of emotion As if every time she sat Watching her skin split Maiming herself So her skin resembled the fur of a mighty tigress Leaving eternal marks That the attention of others Was what she wanted

Suffocating on smoke And burning desire For nothing but sanity Holding on to what she felt But oh how that feeling burned And she wondered “Do I even know my name?”

Fly with me, she asked Fly away into the open air Where the sun's rays sing And we are alone Where no one will tell us That we are wrong For the love we did not choose For the love that keeps us Strong

How she was falling apart Such a dear girl What had she become? Weakened now, crashed down upon By waves of terror that caused Every inch of her to tremble With fear unexplainable So she wondered, was it a danger To exist? Is it putting others at risk? Oh how she wished to know But they never told her so

Scribbling her pain Into paper, torn From pressured pens A piece of art From a heart ripped open Left to bleed on the page And so the ink soiled Something once pristine Just like the blood she spilled From her very own veins

She was strong A fighter, a tough cookie But what would they say if they knew She had grown too weak? Would they hold her close Wipe the tears that flowed Into the river of sorrow She had created Or would they hoist her higher Praise her for her successes The positive traits she could not see She couldn’t decide If it was strength or weakness But she knew she would wake up Day after day And try, just try To be strong

Tidal waves of emotion that roll Twists and turns I cannot see Where I am going For I have grown blind I cannot see Where I have come from So into the deep I fall Crashing into insanity

Whispered pain Crushing my heart My strength My capability I became nothing But at least if I were to I would be with you My love who is now A pile of ash

I have found myself lost Sucked in too deep The hole I’m sinking into I can feel the fire burning Into my bones From the substances that burn Through my veins From the liquid that sours my stomach And blurs my vision I cannot escape their violent grasp Oh, how I wish I’d never lit That very first match

When I was a girl I watched my mother smoke Nauseating smells filled my nose I had grown used to it Some days I would take An unlit cigarette, put it between my lips Pretend I was my mother Because she did it And oh, I wanted to be just like her And so the years ed and soon I grew To the age of a teenager, with challenges new Depression came hard Like the pouring rain Unfolding like a thundering hurricane And wrapped me in Cold, trembling arms Tearing the roads I traveled Leaving me in pits of gravel So that one day I sat in my room With my window open

Watching the orange sun As red as the flames Of my newly lit cigarette That I put between my lips With every choking inhale I thought of how I hasten my death With every puff of blue gray smoke I was just like my mother

When the skies are hidden By clouds of gray And raindrops fall Throughout the day She is a reminder That in time The clouds will part The gray will fade The sun will shine And I will be fine

Sit in silence Sit in fear Wonder how much They can hear Into their transmitters Radios sound My every thought Played all around Softly hums A gentle sound The sudden voices It is me they have found Danger plastered On every wall My heart rate rises I'm bound to fall

After everything was burned The skin on her body so marred Shattered, fractured pieces To ash and dust she turned

Anger sat on her chest A raging storm inside her So strong her throat constricted Her palms grew clammy Yet she found comfort in knowing She was free to feel every wave of emotion That crashed so heavily She was free to simply be Like a child of the sea

A heart beats fast Like a hunted gazelle Excitement in the chase Soft skin Mutilated A way of life

Once I crouched on my knees Screamed your name Until my throat became raw All for nothing All in vain For you did not listen And the pain never ceased Instead it repeated itself Over and over Again

Days of repetition The same scenes on television Similar thoughts Paranoid, fearful They engulfed her mind Sixty ounces of rum to drown out The sorrow and shame Yet her sadness never changed Only chose to stay The same

I have made A thousand mistakes Drawing red lines On my olive skin And yet still I sit With questions swirling Have I ever truly seen better days?

I loved you so fiercely That when you abandoned me Like a discarded candy wrapper On the side of the interstate I was left with No purpose No love And again I was alone

I pray to a God I don't believe in In the hope that someday I will forget your hands So unwanted How they trailed my thighs And brought tears to my eyes

I lost myself in the dark abyss Where monsters come to play They plunged their needles in my veins And left me without a say The loneliness it came to play But in the end I remade myself Into someone So very new

I wanted and wished With so much desperation To believe that I could love Your dirty blackened soul But all I found was aches and pains Each time you lay your hand on me again

Thoughts of a foreign concept Of creatures, monsters Cameras, audio recorders Strange and unforgiving These thoughts they dance Like ballerinas in black With a burning cigarette Placed between poised fingers A slow suicide

I have walked endless miles With unfocused eyes Watching the shoreline come closer So that I could close the distance Separating our lost souls

I must forewarn you I am fragile, as if I was a snowflake Gently falling in December To settle in a collection of those Just as fragile as I For I am as intricate and detailed As the one who lay beside me I am just as fragile

She was beautiful and vibrant But damaged, like a wilting petal Browned, marked by decay Discarded and unnoticed by most Harmed by a life she had suffered Though the brown would remain Unrepairable marks on her soul, Her body and mind Her beauty still showed In the vibrancy of her smile, The glimmer in her eyes She was still beautiful

The energy flowed through her body Like insects in her veins Dramatic and jolting A mighty flame Still she yawned and thought Confused with the words that swirled Like a marveled tapestry of varicolored thread Not a thing made sense

I can't imagine life The American Dream With a white picket fence I can't even imagine a world Outside my bedroom Or the soft brown couch in my living room I can't imagine waking up Prepared and ready to go to work Rather than crippled by emotional distress Accompanied by physical distraction as the pain crawls up my spine like flashing lightning I can't imagine what it's like to not wake up ing the disease Or to see the smile of a child and not be so fearful of being the one to break it I am scared of myself yet I've done nothing worth such terror I am horrified by the idea of my humanity And some days that is enough to keep me bound and chained to my soft brown couch so that the world does not have to deal with someone like me I can't imagine life And I'm not so sure I deserve it

Perhaps the wads of bubblegum Fruity flavoured and endlessly supplied Stuffed my body and slowed the process of my growth Leaving me no different than the gnarled creation of my grinding teeth

A bug trapped Inside a glass container Frantic and flying Desperate to escape A new day Temporary insight Freedom to see A world without empathy Still trapped Surrounded by glass

Reality Bent and strange Observed through eyes Unfeeling, blind A distant memory Reminders Rush, sudden fear Searching hopeful White powder Burning Reality Crystal clear

I feel emptiness Held close Like the syringe It's been so long Needle piercing my skin Blood ing Searing pain An artery, fear Swelling hands It takes a moment Rushing, relaxed I am free

She was sixteen when she was taken Away from those that loved her And her loss left a gaping hole in our hearts That no matter how hard we try to fill it With methamphetamine and syrupy voices from too much alcohol Nothing can replace the girl whose light shone Who was brighter than a shooting star Who made me believe in magic because she was a mythical creature in a world of darkness And God can be so cruel to take those who we need with no warning And each day we look into the mirror and are reminded of the emptiness of this new world Without the sunshine smile that brought so much joy And the girl that loved to sing, to laugh Take a photograph of every memory because without notice without care she'll be gone and nothing will be left but a fire of burning sorrow And I can't forgive Him for taking the light from my life because the world is so barren And this is all that is left

You lay there As the thunder rumbles And the rain, falling softly Hits the window With soft tinkering thuds You lay there Dreaming of a needle Inside your veins And soon you realize That you’ve created a monster A part of yourself that will never truly leave A part of you that was never wanted In the first place

The world moved slow As if at a snail's pace For her ever racing mind Would not slow down enough So that her thoughts, so wild and free Could create so much calamity For a thousand dollars spent so fast On simple guilty pleasures She could not decipher the directions she paced And wandered left to right She wondered if she was a monster Or if she'd died that night

I am a hostage To your hands I can feel your skin Brushing against mine Your foul breath against my face Hear my heartbeat in my throat It has been years Still I have not forgotten For I, I am a hostage

There’s something cold about the way She lived each day Cold like the numb that comes during the first winter days Where the snow falls soft and the wind blows harsh Ice, coating the roads, creating danger Life is boring, an endless stretch of personal eternity Until the sweet release that can only be found with death Comes to take the breathing people, sometimes in their slumber Sometimes as they drive their cars. She had an obsession with death Death brings the only solitary silence that She sought within the fleeting hours When she was awake, alive She imagined death to be a peaceful blackness Finality of thought, no pain nor joy Yet it filled her with fear So sharp and jolting That her breath hitched and her shoulders tensed She sought death Despite the fear that crushed her chest

Hoping in vain That the void of solitude Was better Than the never ending thoughts That consumed her soul

He took a knife Sharpened with care Dragged the blade across My tree bark heart Leaving me to bleed So carelessly I am now tender, scarred No longer trusting Of men with Swiss army knives for hands Soft whispering voices of how They understand For he taught me love Is for the selfish

Silence falls upon her mind A rare occurrence Something she begged for All the time For the briefest of moments Their whispers had ceased Chastising, cruel words No longer hung around her thoughts Still she knew temporary it would be That soon again she would find The vile voices Would again embrace her mind

Oh dear hold me tight For I find myself full of fear I cannot breathe nor can I see What equals your reality For there is a soft glow To all I see I cannot tell Who I may be

A heart so foul So broken, No longer at ease It could no longer hold on To so much further tragedy For the pain, How it consumed Creating sadness, Like a poison in her veins She prayed for peace Freedom, to be at ease For the demons had consumed her very soul Left her in a world of black emotion She was no longer whole

Come to me Oh sweet memory Tear into me With the forgotten sorrow Of the mistakes that I once made I cannot pray or beg To be forgiven For God has long since abandoned Me A fire filled purgatory is my destiny Where I will burn Eternally

Today I am lost Not in a bustling city Lit with headlights, filled with the noise Of honking car horns Nor in a forest Where the leaves fall silent On soft damp earth How much I would love to see The leaves falling Rather than the crimson of my veins Staining the white bathroom tile As I all that I have lost As I forget all that I have gained And though there have been triumphant battles This war is far from over For with each sunrise The trumpets sound To signal a new battle I cannot be found

I wanted to know what love felt like So I delved into fantasies of ever twisting romantic mystery And found myself lost in idealized fantasy So far away from reality that if I were now to see the love I once sought I'd be confused, distraught For it simply couldn't be As I am not one to see the light In the festering parasite filled dungeon where my heart and soul reside Because I'm so far from the girl with a tiny waist and a bright smile I am a girl who takes up too much space with rarely a grin on my face And I just can't imagine a lovers warm embrace

These fragmented pieces of who I am lay scattered on the floor Soaking in the blood from the wounds I created in my heart As it spills out of my veins like a river of crude vulgarity Because all I can do is shake and shiver at the mistakes I've made Watching as the world around me slowly seems to disappear into a murky bog, retreating from itself just as I retreat into the depths of my mind Because these pieces of me no longer fit And I went from one to two to three to four before I realized I wasn't me anymore

She once found herself lost Within more than just herself But in the sights, so bright and blinding The sounds so loud and daunting That overwhelmed her Caused her chest to ache Stole the air from her chest And made the world feel A little fake

Burning lies danced On wicked tongues No remorse Not a care For every wound ripped open By words unfair

And she felt the pain return Settling in her chest A familiar unwelcome guest Bringing tears to her eyes So she wondered with sharp inhale If it had ever been worthwhile