Obstacles To God Frienship 2o1n2v

Obstacles to God’s Friendship What is Friendship? We all know from experience that in high school having friends is one of the most important things in our lives. I am friends with many of you in this room! We have built our friendships over time, through shared experiences, ups and downs, classes and trips, games and teams. These relationships begin in our adolescence and carry on for a few years, hopefully through college and, if we are lucky, for the rest of our lives. But unlike many of these kinds of friendships, I have had one friend since the very first moments of my existence, quite literally. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a twin sister, Kelsey. But some of you may not know that we were severely premature. While still in my mother’s stomach, I fell into cardiac arrest and the doctors had to perform an immediate C-section. The odds were terribly against us, giving us about a 5% chance of living. The physician pulled me out first, weighing in at 2lbs, 12 ounces. Initially, they believed that I was the smallest one between the two, but they were soon mistaken. When they pulled Kelsey out next, she only weighed 1lb, 10 ounces. The doctors soon realized that she was so small because her kidneys were failing. Had I not gone into cardiac arrest in my mother’s stomach, the doctors would have never known that Kelsey was struggling to survive. Even before we knew it, we were looking out for each other. We were fated to be the best of friends.

But there were some things that I couldn’t help Kelsey do and things she couldn’t help me with either. For instance, due to the cardiac arrest that I suffered, I underwent a great deal of brain damage for such a small baby. This damage to my brain tissue inevitably led to early learning disabilities, an inability to focus, comprehension issues, and attention deficits. It also

gave me frequent seizures. Although I was not epileptic, I would often have Grand Mal seizures that debilitated me for minutes at a time, where I couldn’t control by body at all or even what I had been doing just moments before. At first, none of my teachers really treated me any differently because I was this little, cute, energetic kid. But, once I got to middle school, I knew I was different. At the time, I couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly separated me from everyone else, but my teachers began to treat me as if I were the stereotypical “bad kid.” Going to the psychologist's office for testing wasn’t something that my friends were doing, and getting notes sent home for my overactive and disruptive behavior set me apart. The medication I was on to treat my seizures made me feel like a stranger in my own skin, as if I didn’t have control over what I said, what I felt, or how I acted. On top of that, I was falling behind in school because too often the words that I read on the page never made any sense in my head and numbers faded away into the distance no matter how hard I tried to add, subtract, divide and multiply. The only thing that was multiplying was my anger towards God for making me so different. I felt lost and alone. I didn’t want to be treated like a problem, I just wanted to be understood. Little did I know that I was pushing away this friend who, unbeknownst to me, had also been with me before I was born. That animosity I felt towards God mounted to unknown heights in 8th grade when my sister’s kidneys’ completely failed once and for all. She had to have an immediate transplant at only 14 years old. Still very small for her age and weak, there was a chance that she wouldn’t come out of the surgery. Facing the idea of losing my best friend was the worst fear that I have ever felt. It still is. I can’t think of anything more devastating than not having my forever friend, that one person who is there for me no matter what. I crying in my bed, questioning

God’s judgement, thinking that he had made a mistake, or worse, that he hated me and my family. If Kelsey was going to be taken away from me, I thought, I would never make another friend in my life. I started to isolate myself and my feelings, not wanting to get close to anyone else for the fear of losing them. As Kelsey sits here today, you all know that my best friend did come home from the hospital. But that fear that I felt God gave me for threatening to take her away made a Grand Canyon sized divide in my heart between me and Him. It was a gulf that I could not cross even though I had Kelsey safe and secure in my arms. I continued for the next year to isolate myself from people or to experience true friendship or happiness. I didn’t want to make any more close friendships because my reasoning was that if you don’t get close to someone you can’t ever lose them. You can’t lose something you never had. While I have gotten more comfortable over these past few years with making new friends and opening up to more people, there was one person that I still held a grudge against: God. Sure, I had friends on my volleyball team who loved me as I acted as a ive friend on and off the court. I made fun acquaintances and made jokes in class and in the halls with peers from all over the school. I had great times with people on the weekends. But it was all a mask that I presented to the world. My bubbly, energetic, open-hearted persona that you thought was a bright, starry smile on the outside was really hiding a black hole of resentment toward God. I thought I could prove to Him that I didn’t need him; I could live this life on my own, make my own friends who would love me and never terrorize me with the hardships I thought he had bestowed upon me. I thought: he never did anything great for me. But, I was wrong. Last year, as my life was going greater than it ever had been before, I was in Mass one afternoon, and I started to feel that sinking feeling… you know, the one where you start to fear

that something is missing in your life. But what was it? I had my family, my sister was healthier than ever, and I was on the top of my game in the classroom and on the court. I believe with all of my heart that this feeling was God speaking directly to me. He was silently knocking on the door of my heart, reminding me that even though I had slammed the door in his face for all of my life, he was still patiently waiting outside merely anticipating the moment when I would accept his friendship. Of course, it was a friendship that had been there my entire life. It was me who was being the bad friend. Thus, I began to seek a friendship with God, little by little thought I might be able to let him in. But honestly, at first, I didn’t know why. What had changed? As we sit here in this room, we all know that God is the creator of all of us. We have been blessed to have an education that has taught us about all of the blessings that God gives to us unconditionally. Most of us have also had families that have raised us with the knowledge of God, his love, and his friendship. However, all of this was new information to me when I came to Gorman. Prior to my high school experience, I never knew that God was a constant source of love, hope and mercy to every person. I merely saw him as some dictator in the sky, giving out wishes or punishments at random or to those who he thought deserved them. Now I know that everything that God creates, everything he puts into motion is the work of pure love. He did not punish Kelsey and I for anything, nor did he make us sick, different or with disabilities. You see, God doesn’t make trash. He turns everything he touches into treasure. What he did was save our lives. He gave us the gift of life and most of all, the gift of friendship. Looking back on it now, I sometimes slap my head and say, “How could I not have thought that God loved me? I shouldn’t even be alive right now! And here I am!” It could only be the work of God that Kelsey and I are alive.

I now realize that I was the obstacle in my own way to a friendship with God. We all have these obstacles to God’s love and friendship. It could be our pride that we think we can live a life without God, it could be a fear of vulnerability that we don’t want to feel weak to seek out a friendship with Him, it could be our earthly friendships that make us afraid that we’ll be judged if we reach out to God, or it could be our own guilt that we are not worthy of a friendship with God. It could even be the fact that you’ve lost a person in your life to a breakup, a divorce, or even death. But I am here to tell you that I went on for 16 years letting all those obstacles get in the way of my friendship with God and the moment I opened my heart, he came right in. He never held it against me that I pushed him away or blamed him for my struggles all those years; he loved me anyway. What other friend have you ever had that you could blow off for over a decade and when you finally got around to ing them would smile and say, “Welcome back my friend”? No one. Only Him. At first, when I started becoming friends with God, seeking a relationship with Him, I was scared to open myself up only because I felt as if I didn't know Him well enough and also because I ignored Him for so many years. I felt ashamed to try to rekindle a relationship with Him or to start one off in the first place. I felt guilt because the only time I had ever turned to God before was when I wanted things to go my way. I never thanked Him for all the wonderful gifts he had blessed me with...it wasn't until I came to a point in my life where I realized all of the trials and tribulations were lessons that made me stronger that I finally was able to say Thank You. It was that feeling of my Junior year that I was on top of my personal world that I understood who was the one who brought me there. At the pinnacle of the mountain, I was closer to God than ever, because little did I know, he had been hiking that path next to me the whole

time. I am now grateful to be where I am today and I have come to the conclusion that Kels and I are the lucky ones and God has been so good to us. Those of you who might be thinking that this Kairos retreat is just an excuse to hang out with friends for a few days, let me be the one to tell you that if you let it, Kairos can be a life changing experience. For me, Kairos is where everything started to turn around. when I told you that in Mass last year God started to knock on the door of my heart? Well, in January during Kairos is when I finally threw open that door and let Him in with my arms open wide. Those few days at Kairos helped me to see just how great our God is and to never be scared to show my love for Him to others. And you know how he did that for me? Through friendship. The friends I made during Kairos were manifestations and symbols of God’s perfect and unconditional friendship. We can experience God’s love through relationships with one another, but first you’ve got to let Him in. While most of you don’t have a twin sister who you’ve been friends with since before you were born, , God has been that same eternal and timeless friend to you. He says in Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you.”