Doctor's Orders (the Pms Private Investigator Series #2) 28m6e

Table of Contents

Copyright Doctor’s Orders 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Doctor’s Orders: The PMS Investigators, Book 2 By Amber Gillet

Copyright 2013 by Amber Gillet Cover Copyright 2013 by Ginny Glass The author is hereby established as the sole holder of the copyright.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold, reproduced or transmitted by any means in any form or given away to other people without specific permission from the author and/or publisher. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to the living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Also by Amber Gillet Family Affair: The PMS Investigators, Book 1

Doctor’s Orders The PMS Investigators Book 2

Amber Gillet

1

“Mom have you seen my hat? I’m going to be late!”

I had given a one month notice on my meter maid job with the hopes that my newest endeavor of being a fully fledged and legal Private Investigator would start to bring home at least some bacon. But in all honesty, I was struggling to get myself out the door each morning because I could see the end in sight, the end where I could once again dress like a civilian.

“Yes dear, I put it in the donation bag at the bottom of the stairs. If you hadn’t brought the rest of that god forsaken polyester outfit in the bathroom with you when you were showering, the whole uniform would already be down at the Goodwill box on the corner!”

“What kind of person do you think would buy that from the second hand store? Besides, I have to turn that in on my last day! Are you trying to get me fired before I have the chance to walk away with dignity?”

“I would be doing you a favor. What difference is one month going to make? Really Paula, what if Dr. Tom Kirby calls and you aren’t there?”

Alice was dead set on making sure Dr. Tom got himself on my client list, and although I wouldn’t it it that was one of the few visions we shared that were in sync.

“Mitexi is covering the phones until my shift is over, she mentioned something about her mother driving her crazy and needing to get out of the house. I can’t imagine what she is talking about.” As I gloated with my best ‘you can’t see me smiling grin’ while standing behind her, she dug my hat back out from among old winter coats and a fine looking lime green pantsuit I hadn’t seen her wear since 1989. “Can I borrow that?”

“You listen here missy, don’t think for one second that I don’t know you are mocking me! You just don’t realize what mothers put up with!”

“Okay! Okay! Sorry mom, please just give me my hat so that I can get out of here.”

“Not until you eat breakfast and that is an order!”

“I am really going to be late!”

“Then I will drive you.”

“Great, I will be delighted to explain to my supervisor that my mother wouldn’t let me leave until I ate the most important meal of the day and then she drove me in. Do you have any plans to allow me a single shred of self respect?”

“I’m sure Mr. Meter Maid Boss has a mother too, he’ll understand.”

I sighed and retreated to the kitchen, knowing this was one battle I would never win. As usual, the Surgeon General’s case was much stronger than mine.

Alice delivered me a festive plate stacked with silver dollar pancakes surrounded by orange slices to resemble the sun accompanied by a side display of halved strawberries that had perfectly placed seeds on their backsides.

“What are these supposed to be?”

“Lady bugs.”

“Are they getting a tan? Is that why they are next to my sunshine landscape and their spots are light brown?”

Alice’s next started to get blotchy, she sure seemed edgy today. “They are shelled sunflower seeds! You need to make sure you are getting enough folate.”

“For what?”

“A healthy pregnancy!”

“Am I having a baby? You haven’t been slipping sleeping pills into my supper and then trying to artificially inseminate me at night have you? No wonder I am so tired in the morning.”

“Well you can make fun of me now, but someday you’ll be thankful.”

“Do I get to know whose baby it is?”

“With any luck it will be Dr. Tom’s. Now finish up, I am going to mix an avocado and banana smoothie for you to take and enjoy during your break. We want to keep those ovaries in fantastic shape!”

Okay she had officially lost her mind. Now don’t get me wrong, he was kind of cute and he was a doctor. I would be lying if I denied ever imagining us in some kind of fantastic entangled position together. But had I dreamed of me bent in half while the anesthesiologist poked the needle of relief into my back while I eagerly awaited our first born? No way. Alice was miles ahead of me on that fantasy.

“Yes ma’am Nana Stone, yes ma’am.”

2

“PMS Private Investigators, ready and available to track down your darkest secrets; this is Mitexi. Can I help you?”

“Please tell me you haven’t been answering the phone like that every time someone calls? By the way, has anyone called?”

I was really hoping the doctor had checked in. I had left a message two days after our introduction, but still hadn’t received a response. I was stressing out over the possibility of losing my first potentially credible client and having to disappoint Alice’s anticipated plans if the deal fell through.

“Of course I haven’t! I saw your number on caller ID so I thought I would take a stab at putting you over the edge but the tone of your voice tells me you’re already there. And no, the doctor hasn’t called.” Mitexi always knew what was on my mind. “I was certain that no one wanted him to reappear more than Alice, but now she has competition. Are you so concerned about him because you want the work or you are hoping for something more? If you are just looking to get laid then how about we get you a man for hire?”

“You mean like a hooker?”

“Well sort of, I guess it would be more of a man-escort.”

“What kind of state would our business be in if I was busted paying for love?”

“Love?”

“Okay, simulated love is more appropriate. But I definitely do not need any more charges added to my criminal record, no matter what kind of temporary satisfaction is tempting me.”

“Actually, escorts are legal.”

“I think that is only if you really use them to escort you, and last I checked that cover is pretty similar to a mob boss owning a trash company.”

“Alright, be difficult if you want, but I am starting a ‘Get down with Paula’ fund, just in case you have a weak moment and we need to bust out the Yellow Pages fast. I think it has been way too long since you’ve walked around with a contented look on your face.”

“I love that you always have my best interest at heart, but don’t worry I’ll be fine. And just for the record, I was only asking about the doctor because I am eager to get a case rolling.” I felt my ears burn like they always do when I lie, Alice could vouch for that. But realistically, if my life didn’t pick up in the personal department soon, it was likely that I just might break down and embezzle from Mitexi’s desire fund with the enthusiasm of a drug addict in a pharmacy.

“Well just , there is more than one way to kill a horse.”

“Um, I think you mean skin a cat.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“You definitely need some pumped up sex therapy; you’re starting to ramble like that nutty lady from the park who hangs out with the squirrels.”

“Maybe, but right now I’ve gotta go! Some moron just double parked so he can catch the school bus before it takes off.”

We disconnected as I made a bee line, ticket book in hand, for the sleek black Porsche Cayenne that was violating the rules of street order that I so ionately abided by these days.

A large group of elementary kids were waiting on the corner as doting parents attempted to fix collars and straighten back packs while the children pulled away from them and shuffled up the stairs of the bus, disappearing into a sea of bobbing heads.

The folding door had just began to close as the future recipient of the large fine I was about to hand out, hollered and ran toward the stalling vehicle, carrying a

small boy with a fair complexion under his arms to keep their pace swift. After depositing the child in the doorway, he quickly nodded to the driver as if to thank him and stepped back. He leaned down with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath, and suddenly I had the strangest sensation that we had met before.

“Excuse me sir! You can’t park right there, we do have rules you know!” I felt official as I reprimanded my first score of the day, thankful to be on the delivering side of punishment for a change.

Then he straightened himself out and I realized it was Dr. Tom; established Pediatrician and potential legitimate first client for the PMS Private Investigators. My knees felt shaky and before I could turn away or pretend I was yelling at someone else he squinted back as if to focus solely on my stupid outfit.

“Ms. Stone?”

My pounding heart crept into my esophagus as I quickly entertained the idea of bolting right past him praying he’d think it was a case of a mistaken identity. Unfortunately, my legs ignored any pleading from my brain to get my ass in gear.

“Dr. Kirby…I mean Tom. How are you?” I extended a shaky hand in his direction.

“Wow! At first I wasn’t certain it was you, you really take this Private Investigating profession seriously! I had no idea that you dressed for the part if necessary. I am really, really impressed!”

“Um yes, well doing what it takes for the job is important to me. I aim to please!”

“For a second there, I was worried I was in for an expensive fine!” He laughed heartily at the joke he thought we were both enjoying. “Actually I had planned on returning your call today; I do hope you’ll be able to help. Please accept my apologies for not getting back to you sooner.”

“That is fine, no problem at all. Why don’t we talk later when you are not so busy?”

I turned swiftly on my heel to get away and hide the curse of embarrassment this uniform had bestowed upon me once again before he could respond, when suddenly he reached for my arm; his unusually soft hand demonstrated a gentle, yet firm grip that steadied me.

“Is everything alright? Oh my god, I didn’t screw up your stake out did I?”

“Of course not! I was just practicing for when I nail the culprit who has been evading the real Meter Maid for so long. I think I have dust in my eye. Was that your son?” I rambled incessantly as if I had no control over the gaping hole in my face.

“Let me take a quick look.” With both hands on my chin, he tilted my face upward and pulled down my bottom eye lid, the one that had no make-up on it because I didn’t see the point to glam up while making sure the meters had

enough time left on them. “I don’t see anything, but you seem a little delirious. Are you diabetic?”

“Nope and my ovaries are in great shape.”

“You must be so proud.” He stepped back a few inches as if he was worried that he might catch my insanity.

“I am thanks.” I sucked in my breath as he made the final decision on whether I was in fact crazy or just sincerely caught off guard; while being a Private Investigator of course.

“Okay, well as long as you’re certain.” He paused before continuing. “What time will you be returning to the office? My nanny retrieves Zach from the afterschool program today, so I could pop in around 4:30 if that works for you?”

“Zach?”

“Yes, to answer your earlier question…that was my son.”

Great, another anti- wedding ring wearer like Perry! Alice is going be pissed when she finds out her grandchildren belong to another woman. “Mrs. Kirby doesn’t pick him up?”

“There is no Mrs. Kirby. I adopted him when he was a baby, I adore kids, which

explains my choice of professions, but on a personal level there was a lot of uncertainty on where my life was going and to be honest, the idea of waiting until I was beyond midlife age to start a family freaked me out a little. So I went through the process and here we are today!”

“Really?” I giggled with an obnoxiously high pitch.

“You don’t think I am lying do you?” His expression retreated back to the earlier skepticism regarding the status of my blood sugar.

“Absolutely not! I’m just really looking forward to doing business with a focused and driven man like you.”

“I appreciate your kind words. Alright, I’d better get moving, I’m still double parked and the real meter maid could be coming around that corner at any second.”

I nodded in agreement. “She might even be closer than you think.”

3

Although primping at home would have been my preference, there was no way I would have time to make it there and back to the office by 4:30, so against my better judgment I placed a call to Alice and requested that she drop a care package off with Mitexi. My intention was to grace the meeting with Dr. Tom and look as if this morning never even happened. Unfortunately, endless pleading seemed to have little effect on convincing my mother to keep the outfit casual, no matter how many times I reminded her that this is a business relationship. Formal is more appropriate Paula, you can’t just be fertile you know, he has to be attracted enough to want to find out for himself. She had really taken this whole procreating obsession to a new level. After hanging up, I secretly prayed that she didn’t pack my old prom dress which looked eerily similar to the twin rosebud comforters in my room. I was fairly confident that looking like a ruffled bed was a deterrent to most suitors.

In approximately a half hour the scheduled bus was to roll up and deliver me across town so I stopped at Marty’s Miracle Meals on the corner of Bartlett Street and ordered my absolute favorite: the always soggy meatball sub paired with a no name brand soda. I had my suspicions that the drinks were brewed in an abandoned basement somewhere and then poured back into empty cans from the recycling warehouse after the real labels were removed, but I always took extra caution not to not to ponder too long over the origin of the meat, eating in blissful ignorance was perfectly okay with me. Marty claimed that the Miracle reference on his sign was because no other vendors’ food tasted nearly as good, but my theory was that it had to do with the fact he was still open for business.

After stuffing the last saturated remnant of that sandwich into my face, I dropped to the bench and waited patiently on my favorite mode of public transportation while dialing Mitexi to give her a heads up that I’d be arriving shortly.

“PMS Private Investigators, this is Mitexi.”

“You sound unusually normal, what’s wrong? Has there been a break in and you’re being held? Do we have a codeword and I can’t it? Blink twice if you are in trouble!”

“I only wish I’d been taken hostage, it is much, much worse than that! Anyway even if I was, how do you figure you would save me if I blinked twice since we are on the phone? Time to loosen up that silly hat you wear; I think that elastic band has left one deep dent too many in your forehead.”

I ignored her typical harassment that I’d grown so used to. “What do you mean much worse?”

Mitexi spoke softly. “I mean lice-aay tone-say.”

“There is a China man there? Did you not have enough cash to cover the delivery?”

“No you fool, that was pig Latin! Your mother is here and she won’t leave! “

“Are you messing with me? Wait, did she bring my clothes?”

“Oh yes she did! Yes she did.” Whenever Mitexi repeated herself slowly I dreaded the outcome. “She says she wants to be here when Dr. Tom arrives, so

she is reading a magazine in our very tiny, so called waiting area. She is so close to the door he may have to step over her just to get in.”

“No!”

“Yes! And she brought a huge Tupperware container full of black beans. Is your iron low or something?”

“Could be! I woke up this morning and found out I was having a baby. Who knew?”

“What?”

“I’ll explain later. How bad is the outfit?”

“I refuse to comment on that, but she insists that it is what you asked for.”

I was overcome with panic. My instructions simply stated casual, but not something specific. “Good God, I’m on my way!” After disconnecting, I hurried to the edge of the sidewalk hoping to nab a front seat on the bus. Where was that big blue vessel?

An elderly African American woman on my left had been watching me closely, so I engaged her. “I need a different mother.”

Without any hesitation she responded. “What you need is a napkin and a new outfit; leave your mother out of this.” She motioned toward the sauce on my face and then gave me a once over and shook her head.

“Oh that is it! I am calling Mr. Meter Maid Boss!” After four flustered attempts, I finally succeeded in dialing the number correctly on my always reliable but painfully basic cell phone. “Bob? Yes this is Paula, today is going to be my last day, sorry for the short notice. What? I can’t do that!” My neck pulsated with fast thumps as my blood pressure rose. “So you’re telling me if I don’t return my outfit this afternoon, you will deduct $49.75 out of my last check? That will leave me with well…not much, but that is beside the point!”

My new elderly friend chimed in. “Honey, go back and leave that suit at whatever office forced it on you in the first place. Besides, you got a long winter coat!”

I paused with indecision, caught between someone’s grandma and the man who signed my measly paychecks, which ultimately didn’t justify wearing this nonflame retardant slack set which made my skin appreciate cotton on a whole new level.

I spoke back into the receiver. “Fine, I’ll be there in 10 minutes!”

This sudden surge of bravery would cause me to miss the approaching ride, but the fire in my gut needed to be satisfied. After looking over my shoulder for one last nod of reassurance from the Cicely Tyson look alike, I pulled on my mittens with confidence and tore a path down 68th street, making it to the home base in a record eight minutes.

Barbara, Mr. Meter Maid Boss’ secretary who walked as if she had a carefully placed Dorito between her ass cheeks that she was worried about crushing, nonchalantly informed me that Bob refused to engage me face to face because of the unstable tone I used during our call. But I was determined to accomplish my mission, so I removed my coat, stripped off my uniform and deposited that hideous pile of dark gray material on the counter as the plastic buttons that were bathed in gold enamel created a hollow clanking sound against the laminate top that divided me and the parking ticket empire.

“And I’ll take a receipt!”

Everyone in the sitting room stared on in awe; some in sheer horror others with giddy delight, and then it occurred to me that the balls I sprouted on the walk over, were suddenly starting to shrink. A split second decision reminded me that forfeiting approximately fifty dollars at this point could very well be in my best interest so I quickly retrieved my coat off of the floor, and pretty much galloped toward the exit as if the place had suddenly caught fire.

“Excuse me… hey, wait!” A husky man with a reddish beard and broad shoulders stepped to his left, temporarily obstructing my escape path and extended a folded piece of paper in my direction. He grinned as my clammy fish hand accepted it, and displayed the most magnificent set of straight, white teeth that I had ever seen.

“You ever wear braces?” I couldn’t help myself, curiosity always won over common sense, no matter what predicament I was in.

“Never. First time stripping down to your undies, excuse me…union suit, in

public?”

“Definitely.” I studied his eyes closely. “What’s this?”

“My number. I like your attitude and for whatever it’s worth, you made the right decision on that uniform.”

“Well thank you…” I opened the paper. “Jace.”

“You’re welcome cutie.” He pushed the door open and slightly leaned away so that I could by before he returned to his seat.

I’m not sure if it was my newly found freedom from polyester or the unexpected encounter with the strapping man whose warm, buff chest slightly brushed my arm as I finally ran from the building, but the rush that was pumping through my veins was phenomenal. I even unbuttoned my coat while walking, showing off my bad ass self. That’s right; Paula Stone was wearing long underwear in public.

After returning to the bus stop, I retrieved Jace’s number out of my coat pocket and stared at it. Alice would be beyond livid if she ever caught wind that I had spoken to a stranger without an emergency taking place, it might even result in a whole week of breakfasts without character, but this was a sacrifice worth making. That dazzling smile was pleasantly seared into my memory and although I wasn’t completely positive, it felt like my ovaries hiccupped, similar to when a house boiler adjusts itself the first time the heat is turned on after a long summer. Oddly, I couldn’t recall that same deep feeling after talking to Dr. Tom.

Carefully, I re-folded the paper and tucked it down snuggly into back pocket of my wallet where money would be kept, if I had any. It was likely that there could be a day when he might just help save me from relying on the fund that Mitexi was hell bent on setting up to pay for my lack of physical encounters.

High pitched screeching brakes made my ears ring as the city bus collected a mixed group of high school kids and moms with strollers from the stop approximately a quarter mile down the street. I looked down and took note of a growing ice patch that was between me and the edge of the sidewalk when a familiar white SUV pulled into the No Parking zone.

“Sugar plum!” Cigar smoke billowed from the half open window as Uncle Gordie hollered past Aunt DeDe’s well coifed hairdo.

“Hey there.” I did my best to avoid eye .

“Don’t you have a car yet? Business hasn’t picked up much for you I see.”

“It’s only been like a week since I officially opened!”

Aunt DeDe cut him off and rolled the window down all the way. “Where are your clothes? Please tell me you are not moonlighting as a streetwalker?” Her eyes shrunk into tiny slits as though she was turning on her x-ray vision before looking back to Uncle Gordie. “You know, I always wondered if those girls only worked in warm weather because of the skimpy clothes, but it appears that Paula must be wearing the alternative.”

“It’s been a long day and I’d rather not talk about it.” Shifting the topic of conversation back to her would hopefully save me. “Looks like you are all tarted up. Big plans?”

Immediately her rigid face lit up. “Off to the Social Club! It is the Annual Winter Fashion Show.” Then she winked at me, which meant Tad was working. Yuck.

Uncle Gordie popped the lock. “Hop in; we’ll drop you wherever you are going.”

“There is no way I’m sitting in the back of that truck unless you have a fresh towel laid down.” He looked at me anxiously as if to say shut the fuck up. Granted, last time I saw his naked ass it was humping against the hood, but what happened on rainy days? I couldn’t imagine the interior had never been tainted.

“Gordon! Is there something else I should know about?” Aunt DeDe’s mood reverted full swing and downgraded to pissed off. Her boney hands trembled as she lit a cigarette so long it put Cruella de Vil to shame.

“Awe come on De, I don’t know what the girl is talking about! She is wearing thermals in public for god sakes!”

“Did you bang that slut in the back of this truck? I knew we should have taken mine, you are so disgusting! We are trading in this hotel on wheels tomorrow, do you understand me?”

I like to think I am successful at jumping on most opportunities that come my way and now was my chance to dive. They had become so engrossed in their argument that all interest in me and my attire had become obsolete.

I took indiscreet baby steps backward until I was out of window view, and then briskly scurried to the next snow pile opening as the bus slowed down just enough for me to step on. Quickly I tossed my token into the cup, watched it spin six times before it finally slipped into the hole and rested atop the others.

The driver questioned me as I ed his seat. “You know them?” He pointed to Uncle Gordie’s Escalade.

“No sir, I have no idea who they are.”

4

Thankful to have finally reached my destination; I pushed open our office door, which had a new frosted window with ‘PMS Private Investigators’ etched in the glass, and took off my coat while observing the room with relief and appreciation. Mitexi had really done a fantastic job at pulling the place together the past few days.

At the entrance, a mahogany desk and chair sat opposite to the camel back sofa which had recently been upholstered with durable navy corduroy. In an effort to create privacy while engaging clients on their cases, we purchased an Oriental rice screen divider which was framed with Rosewood and positioned two khaki Coaster club chairs and a simple rectangle coffee table behind it. The walls were painted a soothing light blue that made you feel like the water from the harbor outside was gloriously spilling into the room from the enormous picture window with sliding panes, that we were so grateful to have.

“What happened to your clothes?” Alice’s color faded as she waited for my response.

“Someone robbed me!” The tips of my ears were starting to crisp from the heat they let off.

“But you still have your purse?”

“He didn’t want it! I tried to hand it over but that masked culprit threatened to hurt me in ways that I can’t bear to repeat, unless I gave up the uniform. Luckily

because of the cold, he let me keep these on.” I pulled at my thermals to emphasize what was already very obvious.

Mitexi immediately offered to grab me a cup of water and hang up my coat, allowing me ample time to regain my composure after such a ‘traumatic experience’.

Alice gasped in disbelief. “My baby girl! What kind of world are we living in?”

“You were right mom, if I had let you take all of it to the Goodwill box this morning, this probably never would have happened. I should have listened to you.” My head hung low like a child who was caught drawing on the dining room walls, in an effort to play up the moment.

“Does that mean you are done with that job forever?”

“Mr. Meter Maid Boss said there was a backorder on uniforms since Margie, the hefty Creole woman split the seam on her 5th pair of pants this month trying to retrieve spare change off the sidewalk for her rainy day fund. So we amicably agreed to part ways because I was so close to reaching my end date anyhow.”

While being pulled in tight and subjected to five years’ worth of hugs I had apparently missed out on, I grinned at Mitexi over my mother’s shoulder, completely overjoyed at my ability to spin such a tale of misfortune. But within seconds, my high quickly bottomed out to nonexistent as I noticed the lime green catastrophe I regrettably chuckled over this morning, dangling from a pink satin hanger which was hooked over my fancy new wrought iron curtain rod.

“What the hell is that? Is that what you brought me to wear?” The blood drained from my face and my fingertips tingled.

“Yes! you asked to borrow it?” Pride beamed from Alice’s eyes as if I would be absolutely delighted that she had ed. “After you called and asked that I drop you something to wear it came back to me; I know it will look fantastic, the clingy material may even be successful in showing off the limited shape you have! Everyone knows if a man can see some hips, his primal instincts trigger and he’ll automatically be inclined to try and bed you.”

“I was joking!”

Mitexi interrupted our bickering. “Well hips or no hips, it is 4:15 so you need to make a decision on your style. Are you going with Deliverance or Cagney and Lacey?”

5

I promised Alice I would choose Cagney and Lacey if she would please, for the love of God, leave before the Pediatrician arrived. After several minutes of relentless coaxing, she finally took the bait when Mitexi offered to bring Phillip, Enola and Istas over for dinner tomorrow evening.

I hastily donned the crisply ironed pantsuit and although I preferred to leave the coat open, Alice insisted that when buttoned, it cinched my waist just enough to show some resemblance to actual curves.

Dr. Tom arrived exactly at 4:30, which bothered me. Timely people made me nervous; I believe in at least waiting a few minutes and not appearing too eager. If he was going to continue to be so prompt, I would really have to rethink my willingness on engaging in a future together.

He had changed from his raggedy morning jogging pants and faded sweatshirt to a silk sweater and John Varvatos dark indigo jeans; his Gucci loafers kept his look professional.

“So should we get right to business?” I escorted him to the back side of the divider and waited as he settled into one of the club chairs before I sat.

“Wow! That is some retro outfit you pulled together!” He spoke as if he hadn’t even acknowledged my question, clearly he was distracted and I’m not sure it was in a positive way.

“I guess you could say it’s an heirloom.”

“I’ll say. Are you going on another stake out after this? You really have some great disguises!”

I released an extended sigh. “Thanks.” What else could I say?

Dr. Tom straightened his posture. “So do you follow pets or just people?”

This was interesting. “There shouldn’t be any reason why I can’t follow pets too; I guess I’d never really considered it. What kind are we talking about?”

Several of the defined wrinkles in his forehead began to smooth as he relaxed and let his body sink deeper into the chair. “My dog Triangle, he’s a chocolate lab. Zach has a thing about shapes and since he picked him out, I couldn’t object to the name.”

“So what is the situation?”

He folded his hands on his lap as if he was prepping for a speech and I realized that they were hairless and quite smooth. How could I have not noticed before? This potential partner check off list was steadily declining; a thirty something man who was on time and soft to the touch was not exactly what I had in mind. Now Jace on the other hand; he was rugged, reeked of testosterone yet displayed a refined mannerism that…

“Ms. Stone? Are you listening to me?” He crossed his legs and reached out to tap my left knee.

“Oh yes! I’m so sorry, please continue.”

“As I was saying, we adopted him as a pup, but within months he began to display a very specific and unusual talent, so we decided to enter him in a few dog shows. Everyone was really taken aback by his performances; several judges even confided to us that a small fan base was beginning to take life.”

“What kind of unusual talent?”

Edging forward even closer to me, he expressed the same delight of a stage mother who has her eye on the 1st place trophy.

“He could walk on his hind legs! Occasionally when we would call him in for dinner or to go for a ride in the car, he’d sit up and then just rise to his back legs and walk over, as if he was you or me!”

Okay buddy. “You say could walk on his hind legs…he doesn’t anymore?”

“Well he can, but it’s a much bigger challenge these days. You see, all of that talent was partnered with some very bad habits.”

“Like pooping on the wrong lawns?”

A look of disgust overtook his even expression, as if he was too well bred to talk about dog crap. “He’ll chew on gum he’s snagged from the sidewalk, eat trash like a goat and will lick our kitchen floor from one end to the other, never missing a crack. Oh! And let’s not forget that he eats his share of rocks, nothing smaller than a golfball of course.”

“I’ve heard that some Emperor penguins eat rocks to help with digestion.” I was proud of my knowledgeable fact, although Dr. Tom didn’t seem equally impressed and continued on with his story.

“Well, one morning after a regular vet checkup, I loosely looped his leash around the door handle to my car so that I could buckle Zach in and…” Tears began to well in his eyes.

I called over my shoulder to Mitexi. “Bring in some tissues!” Reaching out for his bald hand, I encouraged him to continue. “It’s okay, take your time.”

Mitexi, whose ear had obviously become one with the rice screen that separated us, appeared without hesitation and extended the box to our client. Her devious expression blossomed into a half grin over his weakened state. Without waiting on a formal invitation, she pushed me over and sat close, both of us intent on the outcome of his intriguing tale.

He dabbed the inner corner of each eye. “He wasn’t a wanderer! There was no reason for me to secure it tightly, but the leash came loose and Triangle, curious by nature of course, made his way two cars over and began to ingest a Styrofoam

cup sticky from hot chocolate residue, which was partially tucked under a tire.”

“Oh boy.” Mitexi and I chimed in unison. We held hands, feeling t devastation over the fact that I could never have sex with this whimpering man.

“I know it.” Tears rolled down Dr. Tom’s even toned cheeks. “Before I realized that he had broken free, the car began to back up and even though Triangle scurried to move, he wasn’t quick enough.” The sobs grew louder with each breath. “His right rear leg was crushed!”

As his hyperventilating gasps fell to heavy signs, I dove right into my next question. “Well what happened? He must have survived or you wouldn’t have asked me to find him.” Unless he was hoping that I could track down the dog’s spirit. He did say pets, not ghosts’ right?

His somber mood prevailed as he slumped back into the chair again, looking exhausted. “Triangle survived, but the leg didn’t; it needed a full amputation.” After retrieving a snap shot from his sweater pocket, he extended it our way. “Take a look for yourself.” .

“Whoa, no way!” Mitexi, who has always been driven by straight emotion, offered no excuses for offending the man and stood to return to the reception desk. “That is one photo I don’t need to see.”

I gently accepted it as he loosened his grip. “Holy shit!” I couldn’t believe my eyes, but there that dog was, standing on one back leg and leaning against a center island in their kitchen; while Zach and another unidentified, but very good looking man, ate breakfast.

Dr. Tom’s eyes came back to life. “I know it! He wasn’t even deterred by the missing limb. The dog is simply amazing!”

“Who is the gentleman next to Zach?” Let’s not forget about the smoking hot fella.

His response was agitated, as if I had taken away from the emotion of the story. “Seth, we are very close, almost like family.”

To ensure I wouldn’t lose this because of my sex deprivation and wandering eyes, I istered damage control and returned the subject back to the Triangle’s welfare. “Maybe he is more of a circus dog then a show dog.”

“What an ironic observation!” He quickly rose and stared out the window, his own reflection grimly mirroring back at him, as if the pain was too unbearable to manage. “Upon full recovery, we began to enter him in shows again and his followers became obsessed! T-shirts could be found at the concession stands with screen prints of the dog, enclosed in an upside down triangle, each of his paws touching a point. Our very own three legged sensation!”

“So what went wrong?”

“Well, a few weeks back I dropped him off for a regularly scheduled grooming appointment. The owner and his wife were out of town visiting their daughter at college so they had hired a temp to cover the shifts for that day. Later, when I returned, he was gone!” He turned and faced me, clenching his fist in such a

tight grip that his knuckles peaked with white heads, baby soft ones that is. “Kidnapped!”

Several small squeaks filled the office. The famous telltale signs from when Mitexi became red faced and doubled over in restrained hysterics.

Dr. Tom took a step forward with his best angered expression as if he could see through the divider. “Is she laughing at me?”

“Absolutely not!”

Mitexi escaped the room to resolve her fit of laughter in the hallway. This guy made Alice look like a bad ass. What had I been thinking?

Quickly I continued on before losing his attention further. “Can you provide the name of the kennel?”

Dr. Tom, although distracted, managed to continue on. “Pampered Pooches, its two blocks south of Strathshire Plaza.”

“Isn’t that the building with faux fur siding, right next door to that new wine and cheese shop?”

“Why yes, it’s called Charmaine’s, they offer the simply most decadent varieties!” His demeanor quickly changed. “So you are familiar with the

location?”

Oh yes, I was familiar. The area was well known for quirky shops, fancy bistros and a community that thrived with a very vibrant alternative lifestyle. Although not confirmed, missing pieces to Dr. Tom’s identity puzzle were beginning to come together.

“I know exactly where you are talking about. My cousin Randy and his partner own a co-op right around the corner from your groomer.”

Suddenly, my never-to-be-boyfriends cheeks began to flush. “Mr. Gregory, the owner, successfully obtained an address through the agency that referred the dog thief, but when I finally located the apartment it had been cleaned out. The landlord, Mr. Sheehan, said the occupant had left sometime in the night, only leaving a note and a full month’s rent taped to his door in an envelope.”

“Have you ed the police?”

“No, I fear for Triangle’s safety and Zach’s well being from all of the attention this story could create. But he has a tracking chip so I can prove that he is ours.”

“I understand. Where does the circus piece come in?”

“My nurse, who lives in the next county, told me that her son brought home a flyer from school for the Central City Circus and the headliner promised their newest main attraction, a bicycling three legged dog.”

“That seems pretty much impossible, no?” My eyebrows wrinkled in doubt.

“Triangle can do anything!”

Did this man hang his straight jacket on the coat rack by the door when he came in and I missed it? “I apologize, go on.”

“Seth and I purchased tickets but when we arrived, there were only posters of Triangle. We questioned the Ring Master but he indicated that their star attraction had been not feeling well and reassured us that we would get our monies worth at the next show.”

“Hmmm…” I pretended to take notes to give an impression of professionalism, but I had my suspicions that this was not likely a case I would confuse with any other.

“I am certain it was because he ate too many rocks. What if they move again before we can get him back? What if he is already gone?” Dr. Tom dropped his head into his hands and whimpered again, silently this time.

Okay, I really could use a drink right now. “So when is the next scheduled date?”

He responded with a muffled, snot filled reply that I couldn’t quite understand. But thanks to the internet, my desire to ask him a second time was minimal.

“I’m going to step out of the office for a few minutes and give you some space. Would you mind writing down any key information that I should know about?” I placed my notebook atop the coffee table and excused myself into the hallway.

Mitexi was just returning from the bathroom. “Okay I will have another baby and give it to Alice, just to save you from having to do it with him.”

“I’m so glad you offered because I would have felt awkward asking.” I smoothed the front of my pant suit. “Anyway, dressed like this I am pretty sure I could snag up any stud I want.”

“The man is a nut job! I mean I feel for Circle, but I am not sure that it didn’t throw itself under that tire.”

“Triangle.”

“What?”

“Never mind, you may be on to something.”

“Besides, you are a petite girl and his waist is even tinier! You never want to date a man that wears a smaller pant size than your own. You two would go up like a couple of matchsticks the minute you rubbed together.”

I laughed until some pee leaked out. “I’ve got to get back inside; I’m worried he will try to jump!”

Dr. Tom was leaning against Mitexi’s desk when we returned. “Here are the details you asked for.”

“So am I officially hired?”

He nodded as if it was the last ounce of energy he could afford.

“Fantastic! I’ll drop our standard contract with your receptionist in the morning. If you need to reach me, just dial this number.” I extended a business card as he stood. “Would you mind if I hold onto the picture for a few days?”

“Yes, but please, guard it with your life. If we don’t get him back…”

“You have my word.” Okay, maybe I felt a small pang of sympathy for the guy.

6

The next evening as Alice hurried to put the final touches in place for our dinner guests, I carved out some time to review the notes that Dr. Tom had left for me; but the dishes were clanking against each other so loudly as she dropped them in the sink that keeping my focus was a challenge.

“Could you use some help?” I called out to her from our second floor hallway.

“Yes, if you wouldn’t mind tidying up the coat closet that would be great!”

Certain that I had misunderstood her request, I skipped down the stairs and stepped into the kitchen.

“Excuse me? Did you say the coat closet?”

“I sure did. Go ahead and line up the winter boots from smallest to largest and then organize the coats by color.”

“Did you already get started on the wine? Come over here so I can smell you.”

“I am not drunk! It is good manners to invite company to hang their belongings in a space that is organized.”

“Fine.” I contemplated arguing with her, but if the food wasn’t ready when Mitexi got here and it was my fault, it was unlikely that she’d let me forget it.

The closet received the abridged version of what Alice would consider a thorough ‘once over’; anything that wasn’t mentioned in her specific instructions was pushed right to the back and covered with the longer coats. I smiled with the same satisfaction of an eight year old that cleans their room by hiding all belongings under the bed, but only because I knew Alice was too busy for an inspection. But just to be cautious and avoid any possible questioning on why my assignment didn’t take very long, I returned to the kitchen and offered up my services for the next ridiculous task she had on her checklist.

“Anything else I can help with? The closet looks fantastic!”

Alice ignored my sarcasm. “Make sure all of the condiments on the fridge door are alphabetical.”

“For real?”

“Paula!”

“Alright!”

Ketchup, lemon juice, mayonnaise, olives and pickles had just been coordinated in synch with her request when I heard the Navigator pull into our driveway.

Grateful that they’d finally arrived, I hurried to the back stoop to welcome our guests in.

Mitexi entered first with Phillip trailing close behind with a less than delighted expression. “Thank you for having us Mrs. Stone.”

“You’re welcome dear! Please give Paula your coat and she’ll take care of it for you.”

I turned to my mother and protested. “All of that work and they aren’t even going to look inside the closet?”

“Take the coats!” Alice snarled through gritted teeth.

Mitexi laughed under her breath as she hung hers over my bent arm. “Better do what your mother says.”

“Oh yeah, where is your mother?”

She looked at the floor and sighed. “Getting the baby, I am not allowed to transport Istas between the truck and house because this is my first baby and I might not know what I am doing.”

Sympathy danced off my tongue. “If you asked me, it is time to start checking out more of those 55+ communities.”

Phillip chimed in. “Count in my vote; I’ll pay for both your mothers’ living arrangements if it will speed things along.”

Enola emerged from the doorway. “What are you kids talking about?” She handed Istas’s car carrier over to Mitexi as if she were finally worthy.

“Nothing!” All three of us answered harmoniously; fully aware of the animated level of chaos that would take place if either mother became privy to our secret wishes.

We chatted and wooed over the baby, taking in the rich scents of the secret meal Alice had diligently prepared all afternoon. Finally dinner was ready, wine was poured and the steaming Pyrex bake wear was positioned in the center of the table on appropriately sized trivets, because my mother wouldn’t have it any other way.

Enola, always skeptical over another’s cooking, looked over the feast in front of us and then turned to my mother. “So, what do we have here?”

“Let’s see…” Alice pondered over the delicacies in front of her, careful to announce each one in order. “We have succotash, Buffalo stew also known as Tanka-me-a-lo, fry bread, squash and for desert I prepared Navajo Peach Pudding.” She beamed with delight at the wide eyes staring back at her. “Oh! And I picked up some whiskey too, if the wine doesn’t have enough kick!”

Fearing her response but feeling obligated as the daughter of the clearly insane

hostess, I inquired. “Mom? Where did you come up with this menu?”

“Well, I started with Wikipedia; I wanted to present authentic Native American cuisine, to welcome their heritage into our home. From there I looked up the recipes. Isn’t it great?”

Phillip chuckled over his plate as Enola requested that we start with the whiskey for an appetizer. Mitexi insisted that baby Istas needed changing and I frantically racked my brain on how I would find a new best friend and business partner.

Suddenly there was a quick knock at the back door. Ron stuck his head in. “Hello? Am I interrupting anything?”

As always, my Dad and his impeccable timing became our saving grace. Although, I was surprised by his unexpected appearance.

“God no!” I spoke up immediately for fear he would change his mind about visiting and leave us to wallow in the awkward silence that screamed throughout the room.

Alice scrambled to pull together an extra setting, completely unaware of the obvious tension that she had created. “We were just getting ready to eat! Paula, grab your father another chair from the den.”

Ron addressed the guests. “My apologies, I was certain you had already eaten.”

I returned with his favorite seat, the one my mother banished from the kitchen after he moved out, and placed it next to mine.

“Don’t be silly! We are happy, extremely happy you are here. Let’s eat!” I grabbed the ladle. “Okay, who wants Tanka-me-a-lo?”

Phillip was first to respond. I was pretty certain he was taking pity on me so that when I needed a good lawyer, because there would be a time when Alice would succeed in offending to the point of no return, he could be confident that I would reach out to him first. In fact, if this group wasn’t so close to me, it was very likely that I would have had to be in his office tomorrow at 8 a.m.

As everyone received their helping, Ron leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Let me guess, you’re mom decided to go with authentic for the menu.”

I smiled to confirm my response. “Whiskey?”

“Yes!” The question intended for my dad was welcomed by everyone.

We ed the bottle around and as the discomfort at the table began to lighten, Alice tapped her water glass with a butter knife, as if she needed any sort of assistance in gaining attention.

“Paula, I have invited your father over because we have a surprise for you!”

I looked to my dad with mixed emotions. On one hand, I knew he would never intentionally subject me to the same chagrin as my mother, but her emphasis of ‘we’ definitely had me worried.

After dabbing away a remnant of stew from the corner of his mouth, the napkin was placed carefully on his plate because he knew Alice hated it, and turned his attention in my direction.

“Your mother and I are very proud of the recent strides you have accomplished in such a short amount of time, so we thought it best to provide you with an incentive to keep going in the right direction; not to mention your mother told me you were robbed yesterday. Who steals a meter maid outfit?” Mitexi choked. “So please accept our gift and refrain from public transportation going forward unless absolutely necessary!”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“You idiot! They bought you a car!” Mitexi declared the obvious that I had somehow missed.

“Really?” I instantly reached to hug my father while my mother, determined not to be left out, slid between us before our embrace was locked.

“Easy Alice, if Darlene was here she might think you were trying to win me back.” Ron always had jokes.

Mitexi and I scampered toward the window, wiped away the condensation that had collected because of the warm kitchen, and stood in awe as we focused on my new ride.

I frantically searched for the words that wouldn’t sound, well the way I was actually feeling inside. “Um, is that Uncle Gordie’s truck?”

Alice pushed apart our heads in an attempt to confirm that I must be misunderstood and then quickly looked back over her shoulder. “Ron?”

“Yes, it is your Uncle’s! When I arrived at Philcos Lot this morning he was there wheeling and dealing with the salesman. I knew he had no payments on the thing, so we worked out a compromise. Isn’t it great?”

Alice was extra blotchy now. “But he had sex on it, and quite possibly in it!”

“Don’t get all worked up over such a minor detail, besides I had it detailed. You wouldn’t throw out your picnic blanket just because it got rained on, would you?”

“This is a much different kind of rain.” My mother has never been the same since she saw the pictures of Uncle Gordie unleashing his inner animal during my last investigation.

In an attempt to break the cycle of escalating argument that was about to explode, I offered a new perspective. “Hey, this is like those TV shows where

the 16 year old gets surprised with a first car on her birthday!”

“Well had I known that, I would have brought you a hand woven quilt as a gift to keep in line with this traditional setting we are enjoying!” Enola snapped her head back and finished off a fourth shot.

Assuming we were all serious, Alice returned right back into her earlier state of oblivion regarding the festivities of the evening. “Well then let’s have desert! Now who’s ready for some Navajo pudding?”

7

Early the next morning, I picked Mitexi up in the fancy hand me down gift I’d received for my fake birthday. We noted how Aunt DeDe’s side had a worn groove from her distinct bottom, making it obvious that she still spent a significant amount of time in the truck, before yesterday that is, so we chose to believe that the detailing guy probably didn’t have to do a complete overhaul in the front. Otherwise Uncle Gordie, without a doubt, would have been murdered weeks ago.

After typing our destination into my GPS we headed out with a mission. Our goal was to speak to the landlord of 122 Beechnut, the last known address of the suspected dog snatcher. Dr. Tom reported the culprit’s name to be Andy Billows, which he obtained from the correspondence that temporary agency who had sent him to Pretty Pets had provided.

We arrived to find at a moderate three family that only had shutters hung on the first floor. Random patches of cedar shingles showed disrepair and a dying Christmas wreath hung from the front door, but other than that the lot appeared average for the neighborhood.

After pulling into the driveway, we zipped our coats and then bravely exited the truck; it was one severely cold day outside. Mitexi rang the buzzer and I danced in place to keep my circulation moving while waiting for our man to answer the door.

Finally, an older gentleman appeared in a plaid flannel bathrobe, a green Irish tam topped with a white pom pom and faux rawhide slippers complimented by

thick rubber soles. “Can I help you?” His gruff voice was the victim of what had to be at least a 3 pack a day habit.

“Mr. Sheehan? My name is Paula Stone from PMS Private Investigators.” I giggled while flashing the shiny business card as proof because I felt important, but then Mitexi stomped on my foot so I cleared my throat and continued on. “This is my partner Mitexi. We understand a Mr. Andy Billows was living her recently. Can you confirm?”

“Aye ma’am, if I should even call you that. Just how old are ya two lasses?”

“I assure you we are of legal age.” Did he really think I’d confess that creeping number? Especially to a man; I don’t care how un-attractive he is!

“Very well then, get in here. Yer wastin’ all me blasted oil.”

We stepped inside and hung our winter gear on the brass coat rack on his left. Wheel of Fortune blared from the tube style TV, which was positioned barely 10 inches from a worn tweed covered recliner. I noticed it had dual UHF and VHF knobs and large rabbit ears wrapped in tinfoil perched atop the wood laminate exterior. If that set was in my bedroom back at Alice’s, it would have complimented the outdated decor perfectly.

After waiting on an invite to sit that never came, we carefully sat on the very edge of the rickety futon which sat opposite to his chair and waited as he wrestled an afghan across his legs. We had agreed in the car that I would talk and Mitexi would take notes, so she got her pad and pen ready.

I restarted our earlier conversation. “Can you give us any information on Mr. Billows? Did he have a roommate?”

“Well which one ya lookin’ for an answer to?”

“Sorry.” I restarted for a third time. “How long did he live here?”

“Bout three months, kind of a quiet fellow, but friendly enough I suppose. Never had any problems collecting the rent either.”

“He occupied the apartment alone?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Does the space have a new tenant yet?”

“No ma’am.”

“Is it true that he moved out over night and left only a note to notify you?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Did you notice…”

“The Land of the Lost!” Mitexi cut me off as Vanna White turned the final vowels to reveal the mystery phrase.

I stomped on her foot this time and continued. “Did you notice any peculiar behavior in the days or weeks up to his departure?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Could I ask you to elaborate?”

“Yes ma’am.” He stopped and stared at me, waiting for the next question.

I repeated myself. “Could I ask you to elaborate?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Sir, please tell me what you noticed that appeared odd.”

“Oh! Well why don’t yer ask? You outta work on communicating better.”

I imagined this guy being married to the ignorant and oh so rude ex-lunch lady who worked at the bakery in our grocery store. “I apologize.”

“The night before he took off, I was out on the back porch enjoyin’ a smoke when I seen him come up the walk. He didn’t take a notice to me as the lights were off.”

“Was he alone?”

“Could ya let me finish?”

“Sorry.” My cheeks began to flush.

“Looked like he had a gal by the side, hard to tell with the shadows, but she seemed sort of heavy set in the middle and appeared a might hairy too. Likely of Italian or Armenian descent.” He paused to take a large gulp of an unidentified liquid from a cup that looked like it had a Cat in the Hat tub ring just under the rim. “Anyhow, the lady walked with an abnormal gait, like she was a hobblin’. Never heard a word from her, but Mr. Billows kept on complaining; something about swallowing rocks and mes the show. He sounded full o’ gas; must a’ been caught up in the drug scene.”

Mitexi and I stared at each other and I knew we were thinking the same thing.

“Could you see what she was wearing?”

“Appeared to be a house dress of some sort, like me great aunt used to wear when I was a lad. Probably for the best though, seeing as her figure wasn’t very flattering.”

“Have you had the chance to clean up the empty space yet?”

“No ma’am.”

“Would you mind if we took a look around his former apartment?”

“No ma’am.”

We waited for him to rise and direct us but he never moved.

“Sir?”

“Yes ma’am?”

“Can we see Mr. Billow’s former residence?”

“You gals know how to climb three flights of stairs and open a door? You two

may be young and spry but ya ain’t very bright now.”

Mitexi’s temper started to flare. “Listen here…”

I quickly cut her off because there was definitely no room to bury this fella in either of our backyards, and based on his ruddy nose I’d say he was so pickled he’d probably never decompose. “We appreciate your time Mr. Sheehan, we can show ourselves out.”

I grabbed our coats, exited his apartment and stepped back onto the concrete front stairs. To our left, a path made from stomped footprints in the snow, led to the back entrances for the home. All of the outdoor porches were connected with one super shaky looking stairway. My instincts directed me to follow behind Mitexi, because if the steps gave way I would want her to land on me and survive since she had a child to care for. How could I not offer? She agreed to birth me a baby of my own just to avoid getting naked with Dr. Tom. That’s what real friends do for each other.

After mimicking an invisible cross over each of our chests, we gripped the week railing that appeared to be held together by years of peeling paint and briskly delivered ourselves on the top balcony. A worn lace curtain with yellowed edges that I am pretty sure was hung when the house was built, covered the back door window. Cautiously, we turned the brass doorknob and stepped over the threshold.

Several key furnishings remained; a weathered kitchenette set, a beanbag chair and loveseat, TV dinner trays and a mattress sans the box spring rested on the multi colored shag rug in the bedroom. These items gave us confidence to believe that that Mr. Billows did in fact, move out in haste.

The cabinets were empty and the dated avocado colored fridge only had a soggy Chinese food container that we opted not to look in, and two single Pabst Blue Ribbon beers.

“When’s the last time you saw one of these?” Mitexi reached in to help herself. “You want one?”

“Isn’t that like drinking evidence?”

“We are not in the Forensics Unit, we are professional nosey people.” She cracked the pop top and handed it to me.

We each took a seat at the table and sat in our own thoughts until I broke the silence. “Do you think that old Irish man would be mad if he came up here?”

“I honestly don’t think he has been up here since the late 70s, so I’m not very worried. We are pretty lucky that other people are nosey too, huh? It was quite a juicy tip he fed to us downstairs.”

“You got that right.” I placed my now empty can on the counter. “I’m going to check out the bathroom while you finish your drink and enjoy the homey setting.”

Nothing seemed amiss, until I opened the shower curtain. There was a small dish of half eaten dog kibble and a wrinkled house dress was lying next to it. I turned

it inside out and found short brown hairs around the collar. “Mitexi!”

She barged in, closing the door behind her and met me at the tub. “Huh! How about that? Clearly that’s not a bowl of pasta! I’m throwing out his Italian theory and putting my bets on the dog.”

Without hesitating, I stuffed the dress in my purse and grabbed the food bowl; we needed to keep these, even if I wasn’t a forensic specialist.

As we turned toward our exit, there was a t-shirt tacked onto the back of the closed door facing us. It was identical to the one that Dr. Tom had told us they sold at the concessions stands. Underneath it was heart with the words ‘Triangle’ written in red Sharpie and dollar signs drawn all around it.

Mitexi pulled me close. “Okay, I’m feeling totally weird right now. Let’s take our

8

After completing some minor research on Alice’s PC, I purchased an online ticket to the next Central City Circus. This crowd could be hard to gauge, either the place was spilling over with patrons or the elephants were sitting around on drum stools, eating peanuts and wondering where everyone was. If it was a popular day, I didn’t want to take any chances on being left out.

Mitexi was going to be occupied for the next few days because Enola had scheduled a mini cruise with a few veteran housekeepers she had met prior to g on permanently with the Carrington’s years ago. At first she had insisted on staying home but Phillip double dare insisted her right out of the house, by offering to pay for the trip and allotting her an extra thousand dollars in spending money. I asked if Alice could come but Mitexi was pretty sure that it wouldn’t fly with Enola, especially after the dinner party. Besides Phillip told me that if I messed up this alone time for him he would never, ever, swear on his daughter’s name, show sympathy for me again during one of my many predicaments. That was a very serious threat given my history.

After three attempts, I finally parked the Escalade as straight as it would ever get. That beast had the turning radius of an 18 wheeler. Why didn’t Uncle Gordie own a corvette that he had needed to get rid of? Then again, a vette with snow tires is about as stupid looking as a 58-year-old man with a 24-year-old woman on his arm; at least from my point of view.

Industrial heaters with blowers faced the entrance of the enormous tent where the festivities were taking place. After checked my ticket at the issions booth, I pushed through those 3 pronged metal spinners like the subway has and was instantly deafened by the excited screams of small children that sat stuffed between their parents on lots of not so stable looking bleachers. Clearly I had

made the right choice by getting a ticket in advance.

Since they didn’t have a beer tent, which I thought would be a fantastic idea since it amazed me how all of these adults handled this kind of excitement sober, I opted for a sugar high and followed the ‘You Are Here’ map directions to the Treat Hut.

“What’ll you have?” The order taker had hair with purple streaks and an overabundance of non-personality.

“A large blueberry cotton candy and two boxes of peanut brittle.”

“You sure you don’t want a large popcorn with that?”

“Did I ask for one?”

“No, but your order didn’t seem very calorie conscious so I figured why not try to make a few extra bucks off you.”

“Clearly that is why your employer hired you, because it certainly wasn’t for your people skills.” My eyes stayed focused on her every move while she spun the cotton, to make sure no loogies were involved.

She returned to the counter. “Yeah sorry, I’m feeling bitter today. That employer you speak of is my favoritism driven father who has bumped me to candy sales

because my jerk headed brother happened to produce the newest attraction to the show and that used to be my gig.” She punched a few random buttons into the screen and the cash drawer opened. “That’ll be $8.60.”

I dug out a $10 bill and handed it over. “That sucks.” Because I had been waiting to put on my official PI hat, so to speak, until after my buzz kicked in, I completely missed the obvious comment about the new found attraction.

“Oh before I cash you out…” her even tone stayed steady, “can I interest you in a pin? They’re just five dollars apiece or two for $8.”

“Nah, I’m good.” My attention had redirected to the perverted clown who had been checking out my ass since I first entered the Big Top.

“You sure? Don’t want to be the only loser, sorry I mean patron, in here who doesn’t think Triangle rocks do you?”

The familiar, yet unexpected timeliness of his name, grabbed my attention. “Excuse me?”

“That friggin’ chocolate lab that walks on one leg. People have gone crazy over him! Except me of course, since he’s the reason Andy took my spot in recruiting.”

“Triangle?”

“Yup.” She deposited my change on the counter.

“Andy?”

The cashier called out to me. “Wait! You forgot your change!”

Her voice was lost to my racing thoughts, besides money wasn’t important right now. It might be an excuse to stop over and speak with her later, depending on what I saw during the show. A few brief minutes after settling onto a bottom bleacher, for safety reasons of course, the overhead lights dimmed slightly and an imaginary band’s welcoming tune blasted through the speakers.

A portly young man approximately 5′ 5″ graced the centralized stage and clasped his pudgy hands onto the dangling microphone. He wore the standard red Ringmaster jacket decorated with gold braids and buttons which I suspect he borrowed from his dad in the hopes of demonstrating an air of authority. His black breeches fit a little too snuggly around his crotch and thighs and I feared if he were to bend down quickly, there could be a lot of traumatized children in the stadium. In the event of that unfortunate outcome, I prayed that his underwear was black and not a thong.

He removed his oversized top hat before speaking. “Fans! Thank you for attending our show. My name is Andy Billows; I am the trainer for our next act. Your patience was greatly appreciated while we prepped to present our star! Please put your hands together and welcome Triangle!”

Confetti danced through the air and high pitched whistles topped even the loudest chant. Rainbow flashes zigzagged over the audience seats until they

finally merged to create a single large vibrant circle in the center of the stage. A hush fell over of the crowd as the music became muted and was replaced with trumpets, as if a king was about to arrive.

Looking around, I wondered how many of these fans, if any, were regular attendees of the shows that Dr. Tom took his dog to before the alleged kidnapping. Was it possible that they believed Triangle had upgraded his act to a travelling circus? Supposedly everyone has a price so perhaps the consensus was that the dog had in fact been sold off. Maybe people just assumed that the owner loved the prospect of getting rich more than he did his pet; and since Triangle had never officially been reported missing the reasoning could be justified.

Yet, something about this interesting situation seemed odd to me. Here the animal was, the center of attention for thousands of people, with a chip in him providing proof of ownership. Why not just have him picked up by the authorities? I could understand Dr. Tom’s claims of concerns for everyone’s safety and wellbeing, but if this was my missing animal, right now would appear to be the most opportune time to have this whole kidnapping predicament resolved.

Triangle walked into the light and sat on a red X marking next to Andy. Within seconds, various work stations became illuminated on either side of the dog. After a quick pat on the head and a small treat that definitely wasn’t a rock, the dog rose and stood on his single hind leg. I had expected that feat alone to set off a wild applause, but the audience seemed to be more intrigued than excited.

Triangle lifted his front legs high in the air and began spinning around like a ballerina without a bun. At this point even I was speechless, and that rarely happens. He was so graceful and poised, it was unbelievable! He made his way over to Master Fatty Pants, who steadily balanced a small Schwinn bicycle as the dog climbed on. After three complete circles it was parked and the kick stand was put down. The next trick began as he stood next to a table that had an egg

carton and an empty medium sized, yellow ceramic bowl with a whisk lying next to it. Triangle stood perfectly erect as an apron was tied around his waist. One by one, he pulled an egg between both paws, cracked them into the repository and discarded all of the empty shells into the trash barrel on his right. Finally with a few quick whips of his whisk, the contents were mixed together. Andy proudly picked up the container and leaned it just enough to show the crowd. This time, the response was overwhelming.

Over the next hour Triangle continued to wow the onlookers; he released doves that would land on his head, threw basketballs into a hoop; all while standing on that peg leg. My ankles were tired just from watching. Prior to the final act, Andy welcome the crowd to receive autographed photos and meet the talented animal, compliments of the circus as a kind gesture to make up for the first appearance which had been cancelled without prior notice.

My sugar buzz was starting to decline, but I wasn’t ready to kill it yet by eating sensible food. Alice had cut me some slack on dinner time since I gave back; I mean had my uniform stolen. Just seeing me dressed ‘like a respectable member of society’ caused her to have a private discussion with Surgeon General’s picture in her favorite cookbook and together they decided that as long as my breakfast was hearty, I was allowed to be up to one hour and 30 minutes late for supper. Pretty much any excuse I delivered after that curfew had better be accompanied by a call from the hospital.

I made my way down to the show floor to get a closer look at this Andy Billows character. Hopefully some big mouth would spill an interesting tidbit about the kidnapping that I could pick up on; just like the kind you always see on the gangster movies when they catch a big score and someone gets whacked for talking too much. Okay, I wasn’t planning on anyone getting killed, but the fantasy made for a nice diversion while waiting on approximately two hundred screaming kids to retrieve their pictures. Concerned that I might have used all my luck up with the angry sister at the candy counter; since I never had expected to catch any information there, I made a mental note to stop by and see her on

my way out. Maybe that was the trick, to pretend I’m not on an investigation and see where it leads me. Alice always said it’ll come to you if you’re not looking for it, kind of like my newly detailed Escalade.

The multitudes of miniature people had dropped to a count of about fifty when I felt a light nudge from a cold, round object that grazed my lower back where my sweater had peaked over my jeans. I ignored it, assuming it was unintentional as elbow space was still pretty tight. But then I felt it again, only stronger this time. Quickly I spun around and found myself face to face with a big red rubber nose and an unsightly painted matching grin. It was that same dirty clown from earlier and he was poking me with his horn. If Mitexi was here, there would be no doubt in my mind that she would have made room to bury this fool in her backyard, but I decided to take a different approach by rationalizing that perhaps this goofball was the unforeseen opportunity I hadn’t been looking for.

“Well hey there hot stuff…” He looked me up and down, “boyfriend in the restroom?”

“No.” I did not look him up and down.

“Anywhere in the arena?”

“No. I came with my dad.” Hot ears, hot ears.

“Really now baby cakes… do you call him daddy?”

At first I was couldn’t believe my ears, but then it became obvious that this was the big mouth from my earlier mob fantasy. Clearly he was thinking with his little head and if I was careful with my dirty girl responses, I might be able to get more than I hoped for; in the verbal department that is.

“You know I do!” I offered Bozo a quick wink.

“Nice.” He leaned back on his big red shoes, hands flicking the suspenders over his polka dotted shirt, as if it was a sure way to lure me in.

I reminded myself to keep a straight face. “So what’s your name?”

“The kiddies call me Crazy Clyde but the ladies call me Delmont.”

“Delmont?” I eyed him carefully with suspicion, but of course he assumed it was my best come hither. “That’s different. Did it come from something special?”

“My momma.”

Oh I had smart one on my hands for sure. “Well it’s very original, I like it.”

“It ain’t all that’s original, if you know what I mean.” He looked down and took one of his suspender snappin’ hands and puffed out the pocket to his striped balloon pants.

Now I ed why I could never be a hooker, there just isn’t enough money in it for situations like these. “Wow! I’ll be that is a big deal, huh? You must be pretty proud of yourself.”

“What I’d like, is to make you proud of me. So what do ya say? How about we take a ride in my truck after the show ends?”

“Well I came to see Triangle and I wouldn’t want to miss out on a personalized keepsake.”

“Oh forget that darn three legged mutt! I can tell you more than you ever wanted to know about him, you don’t need no picture.”

Bingo! “Really? Oh Delmont! Between getting to meet the dog and now you, the night just keeps getting better! Let’s make a deal, how about I drop my daddy off and we meet for a drink when you are done?”

“Okay sugga, I’ll catch up with you over at the Shack in about 45 minutes. What’d you say your name was again?”

“Paula.”

“Alright then, say daddy just one more time for me darlin’.”

The peanut brittle was resurfacing into my mouth. “Daddy!”

“Don’t forget to bring that sweet ass with you now, ya hear?”

Crazy Clyde slicked his hair back from his drawn up eyes and turned away, walking like a clown that had just won the lottery. Common sense assured my theory that I was definitely more than a few notches up from his average date, which was great because I really needed him to show up later.

By the time he was out of site, the line had diminished to only four fans. I stood patiently and when it was my turn, I kneeled down and patted Triangle on the head. He licked my face once and I immediately fell in love. If I had a rock, I would have given it to him without hesitation. This puppy needed to be home with Zach, not on display and cared for by a group of nut jobs. Okay maybe I was being prejudiced, but if that diddler clown was a representative of the remaining work crew, then there was no choice but to be worried. Dr. Tom and I were going to have one very serious discussion and soon.

Andy Billows handed me a glossy 8x10 with a paw print drawn on the bottom.

“Your dog is really something.”

His interests were outside of Triangle. “I saw you talking to Clyde before. How long you known him?”

“For about 20 minutes, he was just introducing himself. That boy is quite a

catch!”

“You guys meeting up later?”

“Just for a quick beer.” I kept my answers light; there is no way I could let on to my true agenda.

“You got a sister?”

“Oh geese no, I’m really sorry.”

“Your momma busy later?”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, why don’t you give her a call? Is she still married? Even if she is, that ain’t no big deal, she gotta be sick of the old man by now anyway.”

“Sorry, her and the old man are broke up. My daddy has a new girlfriend now.”

“Damn! Say daddy again!”

I wanted to ignore his request, but if things fell through with the clown, I might have to walk this much scarier avenue. At least Clyde was just stupid. “Daddy!”

“So what do you say? I’ll let you use the payphone out back free of charge.” His eyes narrowed into evil slits. “If things go real well, maybe we can even switch off before the night is over.”

It worried me that someone let this guy help run a show for children. “Yeah, I’m sorry; she is out with her brother tonight. They have been lovers for years.”

“Regular family of firecrackers you bitches are!”

Was that even a legitimate sentence?

“Well we try our best!”

With one last glance at Triangle it was all I could do not to kick Andy Billow’s right out of his spandex knickers and steal this poor dog back on the spot, but that wasn’t my job today. Maybe in my next life I would be an animal rescue person, but right now I had a date with a clown.

9

The Shack earned its name, well because it is one. If the building permits and liquor license weren’t hung on the wall, the legality of the establishment could easily be in question. A tin roof hung heavy beyond the lean-to walls, but on a positive note, it kept the rain water from leaking through the rotted window sills. When it first opened, everyone agreed the look was trendy, but now it seemed as though the owners were simply taking advantage of neglecting repairs that desperately needed to be done.

I arrived ten minutes early because it didn’t take me long to drop off the fictional daddy that accompanied me to the circus and I was hoping to down a shot of Jack Daniels before the man of the hour appeared. My goal was to make sure I was at complete ease during our conversations, if that’s what they actually were, but I also figured it couldn’t hurt to have a little drinking muscle on my side. What if Delmont genuinely thought he was going to stick that rubber nose somewhere private?

The t was mostly empty with the exception of the bartender, an under 21 crowd playing pool because they knew they’d get served, and a lot lizard from the truck stop on Route 52 who was fast asleep at the end of the bar. Although frigid weather didn’t help to bring patrons in, the new karaoke place a few blocks down had won over many of the more lively crowds that did venture out. Personally, I took solace in the fact that the place was barren; the slimmer the chances of me being seen with this guy, the better.

A pair of headlights illuminated the front windows. As they grew closer I could hear an exceptionally loud engine and a puffing sound. The vehicle spun around on the icy parking lot and finally backed into a spot. When the engine cut and the tail lights faded away; the reveal of that monstrosity was an enormous primer

black pick up with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror, an ‘I LOVE SLUTS’ sticker on the back window and (yikes) smoke stacks.

The bartender stared at me. “It’s not what it looks like. Actually nothing that goes on here in the next half hour will be as it appears.” I spoke to assure him and reassure myself.

“Well that is your business.” He poured me a shot. “I think you’re gonna need it. But let me thank you now, in case I don’t get to before you’re swept off your feet, for making my night. It’s been pretty low key around here for some time and I get the feeling I am in for a real treat.” He put the bottle down and leaned back, arms folded and waited for the show to begin.

Strong winter winds caught the door as Delmont entered, loose snow blew around him in whirls like it was a scene from an Antonio Banderas movie; the kind when he arrives loaded with ammunition to wipe out the enemy. Perhaps I too should have brought a shotgun. I’d bet a million dollars there was one locked away in a gun case somewhere inside that beast he drove.

Finally the door slammed shut. After clearing the shoulders of his camouflage coat to push away the remnants of snow that hadn’t absorbed yet, he looked around to locate me as if there were hoards of people to sift through. What a hunter he must be.

“Oh! Well hey there bumble bee! You’re lookin’ sweeter than when I saw you last.”

“Well thank you Delmont!”

“You ed to bring that sassy ass with you right?”

“Yup, it’s right here underneath me.”

The bartender cut in. “What’ll it be buddy?”

Delmont pondered that question. It must have been quite a difficult decision because he sat in silence for almost four very long minutes. To preoccupy myself I looked him over in detail. Upon removing his coat, he presented a very tight red shirt decorated with pearl buttons on the cuffs and pockets. This was tucked into a pair of equally tight Wranglers made of the darkest denim I had ever seen, with bright yellow stitching. His pointed boots had spurs on the back that zinged each time he lifted his foot from the barstool. But what I was most astonished by were the freckles, millions of them. Was there really a Caucasian man under all of that? I couldn’t be positive. Not that it mattered, but it sure peaked my curiosity. That clown makeup must really be made of some hardcore shit to cover him up the way it did.

Finally he spoke. “I’ll take me an apple martini. You folks sell them here?”

“Well let me see what I can come up with.” My new drink making friend chuckled, then temporarily excused himself before disappearing into the back room.

Unlike that lucky guy, I had no place to escape to. “So, you’re all cleaned up!”

“Yup, I usually get fixed up pretty right quick because we ain’t got a hot water shower in the big tent, least not for the help, so I used the one that Mr. Billows sets us up outdoor that runs off the water hose. No way I was takin’ a chance on losin’ time by headin’ back to my trailer to get cleaned up.”

“A water hose in the winter?” If he got that treatment, what was happening to Triangle?

“Yeah well, there are a few fellas that can’t handle it so they get forty seconds in his private shower to clean up, but he docks their paychecks for it. I ain’t interested in that. Anyhow, it keeps me a man if you know what I mean.”

He stepped off his chair and turned just enough to allow me a glimpse of his crotch. His wang was stuffed in so tight that he had a camel toe, like a heavy girl whose pants are pulled up far too high. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the bartender who had just reappeared, was blessed with the same disturbing vision as me, and immediately spun on his heel to return back to his secret hiding spot.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” I couldn’t help myself.

“Nah. Sometimes it pulls my undershorts up my buttocks a little, but I ain’t worried, those marks come out in the wash.”

I hollered out. “I’m ready for a beer NOW!” He couldn’t stay away forever.

Finally a pitcher was placed in front of me and dainty girl glass in front of Delmont. We both took a few moments to quench our thirst while watching our guy put away mugs before the conversation picked up again.

“So you like that cripple dog, huh? He’s a regular lady maggot.”

“Magnet.”

“What?”

“Never mind. Yes I do. He must be a real money maker, huh?”

“I don’t know nothin’ bout the finances much, but that crowd sure was big today and the next show is already done sold out.” He tipped his pinky finger up as he took a slurpy sip.

“The girl at the candy counter, the one with the purple hair told me that the dog is a new attraction. She tried to get me to buy a pin.”

“That’s MacKenzie. She’s angry ‘cause Mr. Billows took her spot. Everyone thinks that he made some kind of big deal discovery with the pup, but really he got ‘em for…what’s that word when you give up something you own for something you ain’t paid on yet?”

“Collateral?”

“Yeah that’s it. Shit, I knew you was a classy lady when I first seen ya.”

Was it possible that Dr. Tom’s avoidance of having his family pet rescued in front of thousands of fans could actually be validated? “What do you mean exactly?”

“I mean you is smart and foxy.”

“Well thank you.” I blinked my eyes softly in his direction, I couldn’t lose him now. “But what do you mean he got Triangle for collateral?”

“Mr. Billows calls himself a credit fish.”

“What?”

“Maybe a bank whale?”

“What? Oh, you mean a loan shark!”

“Yup, you got it. Some skinny fella in a fancy black car, well it wasn’t no car, but it wasn’t no truck neither. Anyhow, he came down to where we all keep trailers a while ago and him and Mr. Billows talked for a bit. Couple days later, he had that crazy three legged dog.” Delmont motioned to the bartender for

another chic drink.

“Does Mr. Billows always live in the trailers that are on site?” I put my hand on his leg.

“Mostly, but he rented himself a little apartment when we hit this county because his old man don’t want none of that dirty money business going on down at the circus. I think he only just got rid of it ‘cause we’re fixin’ to head out again.”

My cell rang and we both jumped on our stools.

“Hello? Oh hey mom, don’t worry I won’t be late. Wait, what? No I don’t him.” I winked at Delmont to hold his attention. “He has a glass eye? Well then I must have been standing on his left side for him to me.” I covered the phone and whispered one sec. “Are you sure? Okay, we’ll be careful then.”

Alice had a date and she wasn’t making dinner? That was literally unheard of; within seconds I expected the earth to open up and swallow us all whole. And who the hell was Mr. Edwards anyway? She never mentioned a man with a glass eye before, I am absolutely positive I would have ed that. But that was a worry I’d save for later; right now I had to come up with a clever way to wrap up this delightful evening and pronto.

I turned my attention back to my new clown friend. “Well that is some story! Looks like McKenzie could get her job back if this mystery person pays his debt, huh?

“Oh yeah. If Mr. Billows gets that money he says he’s quitting the circus for good, he don’t belong in that family anyhow. He’s a ladies’ man and he’s fixin’ to move to Vegas.”

“Is that what he told you?”

“Well about Vegas he did, but I seen him in action, he’s smooth as a weasel’s tail.”

“What if he doesn’t get paid?”

“Then he says he’ll bring that mutt with him, I figure he’ll fetch a shiny penny for him in the City of Sin.”

“Pretty penny.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“So whatcha wanna do now.” The yellow stains on his teeth broke up the mass of freckles that stretched across his peanut sized head.

“Well I’ve got to get going. I’m somewhat concerned as you could imagine, my mother just revealed that she’s going on a date with a man who wears a fake eye.” She sure unknowingly timed that call well.

“Well, you want to make out in my truck first?”

The bartender coughed until tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Gee Delmont, you sure do know how to woo a woman, but I’m going to have to on that enticing proposal.”

“Alright then kitten paws…” He looked past me to the previously sleeping woman who had just come to. “I’m gonna stay here a bit and get to know the locals.”

“I think that is a great idea.” I placed twenty five dollars on the bar. “The drinks are on me.”

10

Since Alice wasn’t cooking tonight, which I was still having a hard time wrapping my head around, I opted to grab a bite before heading home with the extra cash I had left over . It was a good thing Dr. Tom paid his retainer on time or my whole day would have been a bust.

Speaking of Dr. Tom, he was going to get a rise and shine call because we had a lot to discuss. If the story that Delmont told me was in fact true, which I honestly had faith that it was given his limited IQ, then I expected some solid answers. But that was tomorrow’s task; right now my stomach was starting to look a bloated Cambodian on the cover of National Geographic. I needed a good meal and fast.

Macaroni’s on Tyson Boulevard was the first place that came to mind. Each time I rode by I was reminded of how as youngster it became a staple to enjoy every Sunday evening meal there with my parents. The owners had completed a massive renovation about five years ago and the menu prices had jumped significantly; someone had to pay for the Bose sound system and all those fancy leather chairs. But I rationalized that since I was alone and I’d actually managed to pull together some pretty concrete information today, I deserved to treat myself to a something special.

Tonight was the first time I was proud to pull up in my newly acquired sex machine, because if I had to take the bus here, well then I wouldn’t have come. The parking lot was lined with expensive import cars and tonight there was even a limo out front and a red carpet that rolled down the stairs and spilled onto the sidewalk. Was it Emmy night and no one told me? That was definitely something I’d never seen here in the past. This caused a sudden burst of minor self-consciousness as I glanced down at my outfit, but then it occurred to me that

the new look for the rich was to dress like you weren’t, so I planned on blending right in.

I took one last quick peak inside my purse to that I hadn’t lost my money before going inside. Having to do dishes to pay for my meal would absolutely bring a screeching halt to one of the smoothest days I had experienced recently. The wind stung my face while shuffling through a random stack of bills but finally I felt confident enough to enter. I pushed back my hair, wiped the tears of cold from my eyes and stepped onto the fancy carpet; the only thing missing was my social status.

“Cutie?”

Although I heard the voice, which did sound vaguely familiar, I assumed it was for another so I continued toward the stairs.

Then a soft whistle. “Cutie!”

The only person close enough for me to hear was the limo driver. He stood perfectly erect, hands fastened together just below his waste and his black driver’s suit was immaculate. And then he smiled and I saw those teeth.

“Jace?”

His extensive grin reached both ears. “Yup!”

“What are you doing here? You are a limo driver?” His uniform was way cooler than mine had ever even hoped to be, not to mention he looked damn good in it.

“Yes, well no. I mean…” He fumbled with his words. “Okay, let me start again. Yes I am driving tonight, but no I don’t usually, I own the company. Unfortunately the last driver was dismissed because of his limited understanding that the car can only park in designated areas. The day I saw you downtown, I was paying all the tickets off.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t…”

“It’s okay, don’t explain. I could have been any nut; the circus is ing through you know.”

“Oh I know alright.”

“Are you eating alone?”

“Yes, I hope when I step in they don’t shine the spotlight on me and announce party of one across the dining room.”

“Well I would you if my clients were already eating, but I have been here for almost twenty minutes and they still haven’t exited the car.”

“Are they getting down?”

He laughed heartily. “I suppose it’s possible. I have seen many things that should never be repeated.”

Suddenly the window rolled down and Alice stuck her head out. “Paula? Why isn’t your coat buttoned?”

“Mom? Oh my God what are you doing in there?” Scratch all of the previously horrifying moments I have lived through and put this on the top of the list. “Do you have pants on?”

“Of course I do! Mr. Edwards lost his eye and we can’t find it. There is no way we can have dinner with his socket all puckered in. I was hoping the driver could help.”

Jace turned to me. “So you do have a name! Would you excuse me Paula? I have a very important request to honor.” He pulled a white handkerchief from his jacket pocket and opened the door. “Alright, everyone out.”

Alice stepped onto the pavement first and then grabbed her date’s arm so he wouldn’t trip while exiting the shiny ride. I covered my mouth with my hand to keep from puking all over my shoes once I caught sight of the black hole on Mr. Edwards face.

My mother, always quick to ride my back, instantly lectured me. “Paula! Mind your manners!” Then she turned to her ghastly new friend and spoke. “You my daughter?”

Of course all I could think was that the remaining intact eye might break loose at any second, but to appease my mother I extended my hand in his direction. Thankfully, when his arm lifted, there wasn’t a hook peeking out from under his coat sleeve.

Jace reappeared from the back seat holding what appeared to be a white jawbreaker with a painted pupil on it. “Got it!”

“How can someone just lose their eye? Shouldn’t there be Velcro or something to keep it intact?” I tried to hold my tongue but my filter was broken again.

Alice ignored me and held her hands cupped under Mr. Edwards face as he reinserted it, we certainly couldn’t take the chance that it might roll into the sewer drain.

“Will you folks still be enjoying your dinner here, or would you prefer I drive you to a new location?” Jace had couth I had only dreamed of.

They looked at each other, with four eyes this time, and agreed to continue with their night as planned. He closed the door behind them and stepped aside so they could .

My mother called over her shoulder, “I will speak to you when I get home young lady!”

As they disappeared behind the glass doors, I prepared to throw out the number of one of the nicest men I had spoken to in sometime. “I’m so sorry about that whole scene and thank you for being so kind.”

“Would you like to get together sometime? I have a mother too you know.” He gave me a gentle jab with his elbow that was attached to a fantastically strong arm and baseball glove sized hand.

“Is yours as bad as mine?”

“Isn’t everyone’s, in a loving yet annoying sort of way?”

“Good point. And yes, I would definitely like to get together. Can I call you? Look…” After several seconds of fumbling with my wallet, I dug out the folded piece of paper he had given to me previously. “Sometimes I am full of shit, but in this case I really did hold onto it.”

“Very cool. You call me when you’re done being grounded.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Will do. But I think I’m going to on dinner here tonight, if I go in she’ll insist that I sit with them and I just can’t. Talk about being officially traumatized over that whole disturbing incident. What that man needs to carry is a spare in a marble bag or at least get a patch.”

Jace released a deep chuckle. “I couldn’t agree more. We’ll talk soon cutie.”

“Okay.” I stood staring at him like a star struck fool and then realized what an idiot I looked like before just turning around and walking away; elegant as always.

Upon returning to my truck, I noticed the free end of a paper that was wedged under my wiper blade, flapping in the wind. Was this my penance for all of the tickets I had written? But there weren’t any meters around. Puzzled, I plucked it free and opened it up. Inside there was a quick note written in perfectly neat handwriting with lots of big loops: ‘Gordie wordie, I couldn’t locate you in the restaurant. You aren’t avoiding me are you? Call me. Mary Elizabeth xoxo’

“Oh for Christ sake!”

What the hell was that all about? Either Benny had left town or she finally figured out that sex didn’t buy jewelry. And worse, she thought my uncle still drove the Escalade! I tore it up and let the pieces blow out the window and down the street as I headed home. Hopefully she would think Gordie wordie was no longer interested, but I suspected Mary Elizabeth wasn’t a woman who was used to being told no. But now was not the time for those worries, there was a tub full of hot water and bubbles with my name written all over it back at the house. Tonight I was dreaming of limos and the hot guy that owned them.

11

Mitexi called me at the crack of dawn the next morning. “You awake?”

“Hell no!” I fumbled to turn the alarm clock in my direction. “It’s 5:40!”

“So you’re still sleeping?”

“Well technically I guess I’m not anymore.”

“Okay good, I would have felt bad if I had woken you up.”

See now this is why we could never be a comedian team, because she thinks she is the funny one.

“Is there a reason you called or was this just for fun?”

“What’s on the agenda today? I want to come; I don’t care where we are going. Even if you have to get bullions pulled off your toes, I’m with you.”

“Bunions.”

“So you do have them! I always wondered why you never wear flip flops in the summer.”

“No, they are called bunions!”

“Well there is no reason to get sensitive about it; I’m not making fun of you or anything.”

I decided to skip right past that portion of the conversation. “I do have at least one very important follow up to handle. Is Phillip taking the baby?”

Her voice dropped into a heavy whisper. “Enola is back early!”

“What happened?”

“She claims she got food poisoning so when the ship docked in St. Thomas, she caught a flight home.”

“Oh no, Phillip isn’t going to blame this on me is he?”

She started snorting. “He’s got other things on his mind. Enola never called to let us know she had cut the trip short so when she made her grand entrance though the front door last night, we got totally busted doing it on the couch!”

“Get out of here!” This might have topped the glass eye incident.

“The worst part is we were so caught up in the moment that the distraction caused Phillip to get stuck, if you know what I mean, so neither of us could run for cover. Enola had to get a pot of cold water from the kitchen to set us free!”

I wanted to speak but my fit of laughter kept me from saying anything. Now peeing was a different story, if I didn’t go now I was sure to wet myself.

She continued on. “She said words I’ve never even heard before and then told me that she was taking Istas with her to light candles in the morning. Together they will pray that we are cleansed of our dirty ways!”

“Do you want to pick me up? Uncle Gordie’s ex-mistress left a note on my windshield last night when I was at Macaroni’s, she thinks he still owns it. I am worried she might try to scratch my eyes out of she sees me driving it.”

“What were you doing there?”

“I just wanted to get something to eat because Alice had gone on a date and wasn’t making supper.”

“Alice went on a date?”

“I guess so, but then it turned into a complete fiasco, including a missing eyeball.”

“Have I been out of the loop for that long?”

“I’ll explain later. Pick me up in an hour.”

“Gotcha!”

Frantically I pilfered through my dresser drawer to gather a pair of clean undies and socks so that I could hop in the shower. I wanted to get out of my house as badly as Mitexi did hers. Not only was there a lecture over the incident with Mr. Edwards headed my way, but I knew for a fact that Alice hadn’t overlooked the part where I was in full conversation with her limo driver when she rolled down the window for assistance.

Alice always says that my version of quiet is only applicable for a house full of deaf people, so my goal was to try extra hard to prove her wrong today. After yanking on clean jeans and my favorite wooly sweater, I pulled my hair into a neat ponytail and tip toed downstairs. I leaned into the coat closet and grabbed my boots from the smallest end of the line and then focused my attention to the hanging rainbow above me and selected my yellow Northern Face jacket.

But I wasn’t quick enough. Sergeant mommy was leaning against the kitchen counter, coffee in hand, with a smirk on her face.

“Now normally, I would be ready to remind you of your manners where my good friend’s temporarily missing fake organ was concerned. However, I noticed that you were very engrossed in a seemingly normal conversation with that nice young man who drove us around last night.”

“And?” I shifted my weight between feet nervously.

“Does the doctor know about this?”

“Dr. Tom? He is my client mom, not my boyfriend. Anyway, after meeting with him to discuss his case I can assure you that those are not the seeds you want sowed inside me. You’ve got to take my word on this one.”

She had a completely blank expression. I hated that. I would rather be cut with papers on the skin between my fingers or take on the torturous task of sticking fresh cloves in hundreds of oranges before the next holiday party, then to have her be unpredictable.

“What kind of money does a limo driver make? I mean we tipped him well, but you can’t build a future on that!”

“He owns the limo.” I felt dominant revealing that hidden fact. “He’s looking for a new driver now, but didn’t want to lose business during his search so he’s been taking out clients himself. That is where I had originally met him, in the meter maid office, he was paying off tickets.”

“Are you telling me he saw you in that uniform?”

“Well…not exactly.” Oh boy, I didn’t see this one coming. “Anyhow, that is not important, in fact, he approached me last night.”

“Really? You wouldn’t be lying to me would you Paula? Your biological clock is ticking and I’m worried I’m running out of time!”

“You’re running out of time?”

“Yes! You know what happens to grandmothers that are over a certain age? The kids pick on them and put popcorn in their perms when they are facing the wrong way!”

“How much coffee have you had?”

“This is a very serious matter!”

“Alright, well he asked me to call him and I promise I will, okay?”

She eased up a little. “He is quite handsome, don’t you agree?”

“I do…and polite.”

“Well I’m guessing you are heading out early on official business?”

“Yup, Mitexi is picking me up.”

“Enola is back? I thought she wasn’t due until the beginning of next week?”

“Something about not feeling well, she flew in early.”

“That poor dear, I will make her a pan of wild apple cornbread for you to drop off later.”

“You can give it to Mitexi when she brings me home.” I was not getting in the middle of that.

She turned and pulled a plate from the microwave. Knowing I would never succeed in winning the breakfast battle, I took my seat at the table. Today’s feature was a Belgian waffle with a blueberry smile, whipped cream hair and a grape for an eye on one side and a hole cut out in place of the other.

“Mr. Edwards?”

“Yes, I plan on seeing him again, so use this as practice so that you can maintain yourself in a less dramatic way next time.”

“And now you want me to eat it?”

“Consider this your punishment.”

I sighed and dug in. This was an experience that I was sure to need counseling over in my 40s.

12

Shortly after I disconnected with Dr. Tom to let him know we were paying an emergency house visit since it was Saturday, Mitexi pulled up and I climbed in. I had a severe case of enger seat driver syndrome, but having the shit scared out of me would definitely set the right tone for the meeting we were heading to. Being fired up would let him know he’d better take me seriously. I just hoped that I didn’t make him cry, which would be nothing compared to what Mitexi could unleash, so she was assigned as note taker again.

“So tell me about the eyeball?”

“Alice called to say she had a date with this guy from church who has a fake eye so I decided to treat myself to dinner at Macaroni’s and come to find out they were in the back of the limo looking for it while I was chatting with the driver.”

“Were they doing it?”

“Not to the best of my knowledge; but thanks for forcing me to revisit it for a second time.”

“Wait you were talking to the limo driver?”

“Yes, I can’t believe I forgot to tell you! The day I was robbed…” We both squeaked out a giggle. “I met this guy Jace who gave me his phone number and I

kept it but never called. Things suddenly got really busy. And he is way hotter than this 90 degree heat you have on in here.”

“Alice will never go for that. You’re better off just letting me birth you the spawn of a lawyer, it is really your only option.”

“But there is a twist! He’s the owner and was just covering for the night.”

“I wish you had met him before my wedding, those freakin’ things are expensive!”

“No shit! Take this right!”

Mitexi cut the wheel hard and we sailed across both rows of traffic on my right and skidded until we reached the flashing yellow light at the bottom of the ramp.

“Now where?”

I tightened my seat belt. “Straight through the intersection just ahead and then bear left at the fork.”

She tore away, leaving a small rubber strip behind us. “Is it much further?”

“Remind me again of how many sets of tires you go through each year?”

“Got me, I told you, that’s Phillip’s job to worry about.”

The Kirby house was located on the outskirts of town, a small housing development named Hillside. These were the types of houses that the Carrington’s would have purchased if it was around when Mitexi and I were younger, but luckily they weren’t or we never would have met.

21136 Buckingham was tucked away behind of a forest of pine trees. The long drive was lined with lampposts and turned into a loop just outside the front entrance of the house. Its deep chocolate trim blended nicely with the wooded setting. But it was built to look larger than it really was, with oversized garages and jetting peaks. What made it really unique and not necessarily in a good way, were the lion statues that sat on either side of the front stairs.

Unable to control herself, Mitexi took in the landscape. “Could that be any tackier? No wonder the house is hidden behind trees.”

“You are the note taker ? No observing out loud.”

“Well I’m just saying…”

We pulled close to the edge of the yard and parked next to a snowman without a head. I felt for Zach, who probably missed his dog horribly and perhaps was the angry executioner to Frosty.

Our host opened the front door and welcomed us into his ‘humble abode’. We ed through a ed foyer, topped by an enormous chandelier that swayed as we walked under it, until we reached a family room that boasted an enormous fireplace as a backdrop to the white leather sectional that was situated carefully around the cheetah rug that graced shiny hardwood floors. Matching animal print pillows dotted the couch and complimented the sheer gold curtains that covered the enormous floor to ceiling windows. The only thing missing was Sigmund and Roy.

“Nice place.” Mitexi couldn’t go unheard for long. “I see where you came up with statue idea out front.”

Dr. Tom lit up. “Thank you! I’ve really put a lot of effort into this home.” Instantly his mood turned somber and he looked at me directly. “Were you able to locate Triangle?”

“Actually yes and you weren’t kidding! That dog has some crazy talent!”

Without effort he crossed his legs like I’ve never been able to do and covered his mouth with that hairless fist. “Well then he must be okay?”

“Well ya know, we didn’t talk but I did get up close and was able to pat him. He looked healthy but my suspicions are that he would rather be at home.”

“So what happens now?”

“Listen, I’m going to cut right to the chase. I obtained some information that makes you directly responsible for putting Triangle in the center of this mess.”

At first his face was stunned but quickly changed to take on a standard defensive expression.

Mitexi was all over that. “Don’t even bother lying. I don’t like liars.” She stared him down like he was her next meal.

I softened the tone. “So what is the deal? You have a gambling problem or something? Why couldn’t you pay off your debt to that creepy circus man?”

Then came the tears. “It’s not what you think!” He reached for a tissue out of an iridescent box decorated with rhinestones from the side table. “ Seth?”

“The good looking gentleman from the picture you gave me?” Hell ya I ed Seth!

“Well he has a bit of a shopping problem and I told him that I wouldn’t that habit any longer. So to spite me, he borrowed cash from that vile, snaggle toothed rodent and got himself into a predicament.”

Okay, this would be the second time this week I have been speechless. “I’m sorry and what is your relationship with Seth?”

“We have been engaged for just over three years.”

“Well that fills in a lot of missing gaps.” Mitexi was on a roll. “So you are one of two dads in this house?”

“Anatomically speaking yes; but as far as defined roles, I am the dad.”

I cut in before she could contribute further to destroying my budding career. “Okay so you put up your dog for collateral because your soon to be husband went shopping and spent too much? What is the balance on the loan with Andy Billows?”

He sniffled hopelessly. “$4000, Seth said they would hurt him if he didn’t pay. So I made arrangements for Mr. Billows to work at the kennel that day as a favor to the owner whose only other option was to close. So he didn’t really steal Triangle, I asked him to take him; I knew he would increase sales for the circus and keep Seth safe. I couldn’t think of any other way to do it where Zach wouldn’t catch on.” He blew his nose like a horn. “Then I hired you because I wanted to make sure someone could keep tabs on the dog and then I would be certain he was cared for properly.”

“Oh I see, so your worried about the poor thing even though you just pimped him out to a complete dirt bag?” Mitexi snarled in his direction.

Now did I have $4000 to throw around? Not anymore, but I would give the man a pinky before I would sign off my dog, especially if belonged to my son, if I

had one. “Do you have the money?” He’d better say no.

“Of course I do! But I told Seth unless he agrees to marry me and stop his evil shopping ways, I wouldn’t pay. He needs to learn a lesson.”

Mitexi leaned back. “Oh boy.”

This guy was a complete idiot. My future babies were never going to be his patients. “Okay, I know you are not thinking clearly because you are caught up in that disease called love. Believe me I have been there. I am also fully aware that you paid me to locate Triangle and not give advice. However, for the sake of your family I want you to listen very carefully. Are you with me?”

He nodded and sat straight up so that my partner wouldn’t break his skinny legs.

“You have given away your boy’s dog as collateral, even though you can afford to pay a debt, in order to convince your lover who created the problem in the first place to marry you.” I stared at him and waited for the light bulb to turn on. Apparently he hadn’t paid the electric bill because his glazed eyes resembled that of a lobotomy patient.

Mitexi stood and looked at me. “We have to take charge of this, he has no idea what is going on.”

I thoroughly agreed and looked at our disastrous client. “Where is Zach?”

“Shopping with Seth.”

“Oh well we probably should have figured that one out on our own. Are those your Uggs by the door?”

He nodded yes, his blood shot eyes looking for sympathy that he certainly wasn’t getting from this girl band.

“Well go get ‘em on, grab a coat and meet us in the Navigator. Oh and don’t forget your bank card, we have a quick stop to make.”

We headed out to wait when Mitexi turned to me. “If Phillip ever buys a pair of those, please remind me to divorce him. Why do men do that? And he is supposed to be the dad!”

“Well look on the bright side, if Phillip does buy a pair and then goes missing, we will probably know where to find him.”

“Yeah, no need for special skills to solve that mystery. He’ll be over here dusting off the lion statues or maybe even fussing over color swatches.”

We giggled together until the back door swung open and we were forced to put our professional faces back on.

Dr. Tom slid into the seat, zipped tight in his parka with the fur hood

encoming his pink face. “My bank is Whittier Savings downtown.”

I leaned over and looked at my client. “You can probably lose the hood, it’s pretty warm in here.” Had I really dreamed of doing it with this man?

Mitexi pulled out of Hillside and cruised at a steady 65mph for the ½ mile to the highway. We climbed the ramp and then she really got on it. Dr. Tom clutched Istas’s car carrier as if the plastic would be his saving grace once we left the road and rolled over five times at high speed. Personally I think a better torture would have been for him to sit in the back of the Escalade. I never did find out if they detailed the ceiling liner too.

We arrived at the bank and with shaky legs; he exited and disappeared into the front entrance. Within minutes he returned, buckled himself in and produced two cherry lollipops from his coat pocket. He handed us each one as if it was a gesture to spare his life.

“Good thing for you that I was able to find out this information yesterday and get info on the circus leaving town next week. They don’t have any more scheduled shows around here, so that means unless you are a worker responsible for breaking down equipment, the others can head out whenever they want. You’d better pray that Mr. Billows is slow.”

“Do you know where they are going?”

“I’m not sure about the circus, but your loan shark is heading to Las Vegas and he plans on using Triangle as his cash cow since the debt wasn’t paid.” Just sharing that detail my heart race with urgency, I wanted that dog back today.

Panic crept across his face, finally the reaction I’d been waiting on. He grabbed Mitexi’s shoulder. “Faster!” As if that was possible.

It pleased me to see that Dr. Tom was finally growing a set; well at least I am assuming he did, based on lack of physical evidence. I would have felt better if some hair had sprouted on his arms or a light beard began to fill in, but I couldn’t expect miracles.

As we turned in the parking lot I kept my eyes peeled for Delmont’s truck. He would definitely be the best way to get to Mr. Billows. Bingo! There it was, pulled high atop a snow bank, like it was the star of a 4x4 commercial. I pointed and instructed Mitexi to park next to it.

“Good lord, that thing is hideous!” Dr. Tom had a pulled a wet nap out to clean his hands as if he had already been tainted.

“Yeah, well wait until you see who owns it. I had to go on a date with him to find out your secrets.”

“You deserve a bonus, my promise!”

“Hey, you might be alright after all!” I hopped onto the parking lot, removed my coat and felt my ass. I turned so that it was in view. “How does it look? This is key factor to moving our mission along quickly.”

“I’d do ya.” Mitexi winked.

Dr. Tom leaned over to take a look. “Pull your seam up your crack a little, guys dig that.”

I returned a questioning look.

“No really, it doesn’t matter who owns the butt, trust me. There was a time when I had to keep my options open.”

I took his word for it and headed out. Damn it was cold without a coat! But, I suppose I would need nipples to get through this too. There didn’t seem to be any life around, only the eerie whistle of the winter wind. I was surrounded by a plethora of Coachman’s, Four Winds and Safari’s. Each had a name plate fastened next to their door, finally I spotted Crazy Clyde’s, and ironically his model was a Beaver. After a gentle knock, I waited impatiently until finally the door swung open. It appeared that Delmont was not put off by the cold, something I should have learned when he told me how he showered with a water hose, because he was stark naked and from where he stood on the stairs, his junk was even with my eyes. I wanted to look away but I was amazed that his freckles knew no boundaries. He really was covered head to toe.

“Baby girl is that you?” He wiped away crustiness that the Sandman left in the corner of each eye.

“Hey Delmont!” That was the most I could manage to squeak out.

While I was pondering my next move, a lanky arm, detailed with a faded rose tattoo, reached out from behind the door way and wrapped around his waist. Within seconds the rest of its owner appeared, also naked. Of course we are all grateful for sight, but visions like this can make one question the blessing.

“Who is she?” Suddenly the other seemed angry.

But I knew who she was; the napping lot lizard from the Shack. I wondered if as she was waking when I had left, if they had a conversation; or whether he had just loaded her into his beast when she ed out again. Either way she spoke with the jealousy of a married wife.

“Oh hey lover, don’t be mad, this is Paula. Paula this is Mona.”

Keeping with the manners that Alice had enforced upon me, I extended my hand and accepted her limp fish shake. While I mentally added this experience to my future therapy list, and moved it up a notch ahead of the one eyed Belgian waffle from breakfast this morning, I forced myself to speak. “So hey, I was hoping to talk with Mr. Billows. Can you direct me to his trailer?”

As difficult as it could be to imagine that luck was on my side, I realized that since Delmont was obviously occupied, it was likely we could pay for Triangle and get out of here without me having to pull out my planner and fill up Tuesday evenings from 4-7 until the circus left town.

“Right over yonder, the tan one with the ‘Master’ sign on it.” As he pointed toward the largest one, I realized that the myth of shrinkage due to cold is really on a case by case basis. Because Crazy Clyde’s member was still standing as

erect as it was when he answered.

“Thank you.” I spun like a top and high tailed it over to the Master’s sleeping quarters. No need for polite goodbye’s at this point.

Before I could even knock, Mr. Billows showed himself. “I knew it! I knew you’d be back!” He stuck his neck further out and looked side to side. “You didn’t bring your mother?”

I was going to have to get crafty for this one. “She’s in the car.” I pretended to drop something that was never actually in my hand in the first place and carefully turned and bent down to pick it up; making sure that seam to my jeans was way the hell up there and then looked over my shoulder. “She’d love to see Triangle, wanna grab him and meet with us?” As soon as I stood back up I turned to head back in the same direction I’d started from.

Andy whistled for the dog and scurried out his door in an effort to keep up. The three of us reached the Navigator within thirty seconds and Mitexi rolled down the window.

“Wow you’re mom ain’t half bad!” He grinned at Mitexi and his top snaggle tooth got caught on his dry lip, which made him even more unappealing.

Then I heard the door unlock and before she could hop out and beat him without mercy, I interjected.

“Okay, here’s the deal. She’s not my mom.”

“Rock on! So you brought a friend and your mom? Shit I am gonna be so tired, I might have to wait to leave until tomorrow!” Mr. Billows was looking extremely pleased with himself, the lady killer that he wasn’t.

I cut right to the chase. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen. We are here to collect the star of your show.”

Dr. Tom rolled down his window sheepishly and spoke. “Good morning Mr. Billows.”

“What the hell is going on here?” He clutched the leash tightly and Triangle let out a quick yelp.

“The man owes you four grand, we’re here to pay it and get the dog back.”

“No freaking way! I won’t give him back!”

“Hey a deal is a deal, he was collateral and pay day has arrived.” I turned and took the envelope from Dr. Tom’s frigid girly hands. “Count it.”

He accepted the cash and then retorted. “You can’t prove anything.”

“But the thing is, we can. He has a chip installed and all we have to do is call the police, get him scanned and then drop a little hint that you have been running a loan shark business.” I planned on giving him one mean stare but Mitexi already had it covered. “You do plan on leaving tomorrow don’t you?”

“Maybe.” He held strong with the stubbornness of a three year old.

“Mitexi grab your phone. I don’t have time for this.” My stomach danced with butterflies, I always wanted to call a bluff that would result in positive consequences. But Mitexi was already dialing, she foiled my plan! “NO!! Don’t actually dial.”

“But you said…” She clicked the off button. “Oh, I get it…sorry.”

Mr. Billows started to walk away, dragging poor Triangle gruffly down the snow shoveled path behind him. “You people are a joke.”

“Hey!” Mitexi stepped out of the Navigator. “We may have been bullshitting about calling the cops, but me kicking your ass is very real!” And off she went.

She took a leap and tackled that unsightly man from behind, knocking him to the ground. Triangle broke loose and I grabbed the leash, delivering him safely with his owner in the back of the truck while the other two rolled across the ground over and over again. She said words that I am pretty sure she learned from Enola because I had never heard anything like them before in my life, not even in dirty movies.

Suddenly Delmont appeared at his door again and whistled. “Cat fight!” But after galloping over to the scene, his fantasy quickly diminished. “Mr. Billows?”

Within seconds the whole circus population was trading ten dollar bills and cheering for blood.

Finally Mitexi wrestled him flat and held his arms over his head with one hand and slapped his fat face with the other. “We’re taking the dog and he really does have a chip. You won’t win this battle porky! In fact, you don’t even get to keep the money either!” She flipped open the front pocket on his lumberjack flannel and retrieved the envelope with all of its contents. “Now get out of town! I don’t care how many times this show returns here, you’d better not be with it!”

Because she was struggling to gain balance off of his round stomach, I grabbed both of her arms and helped plant her feet solidly on the ground.

Mr. Billows rolled on his side to gain enough momentum to look upright.

Delmont offered a puzzled look toward his employer. “I thought you was leaving with that pup early in case the owner came ‘round?”

“I was! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for these meddling fools!”

Did this guy think he was on Scooby Doo?

I looked around with satisfaction. “Well I guess our work here is done!”

13

On the ride back, Dr. Tom bequeathed the cash Mitexi had taken back onto us as the bonus he had promised earlier and then confirmed that our final payment would be mailed out by next week.

We pulled into the long drive of his lion’s den and watched with pleasure as Triangle bounded from the truck and into the newly outfitted youngest member of the family’s arms. Seth was trying to drag multiple recent purchases off the porch before his future husband could take stock of the damage, but he was busted. They approached each other and we were able to make out partial sentences; something about getting help and I’m sorry, but then they embraced and mashed faces and that was our queue to leave.

Celebrating sounded good to me, but Mitexi was pooped. “It’s been a long time since I’ve kicked anyone’s ass. Those playground mothers better be nice as pie to my little girl.”

I gave Alice a head’s up that I was on my way home and as soon as we pulled up out front, she scurried outside in her furry robe and traded me for two oversized helpings of wild apple cornbread wrapped tightly in tinfoil. I rolled my eyes as my mom buckled them in with the seatbelt.

“I can see you Paula.”

“Hey Mrs. Stone, how long until I grow those eyes in the back of my head?” Mitexi was completely amused at her own humor.

Without missing a beat Alice responded. “You already have them dear; you just don’t know how to use them yet.”

We waved goodbye while standing arm in arm, and then retreated to the house so that I could relive the excitement of the morning with my mother. Sometimes I enjoyed that, I thought it would be important to have good memories for balance when I finally attended my mid-life counseling sessions.

14

The next morning I convinced Alice to set me free from my breakfast commitments. I had reached out to Jace the previous evening and we had set plans for Sunday brunch. I have to it, I was absolutely beside myself with excitement; it was like Christmas Eve and an after sex cigarette all tied up into one.

We had decided to meet back at Macaroni’s since I never got my intended meal on the night he was Alice and Mr. Edward’s chauffeur. They put on one hell of a spread and I was starving. Mitexi and I had split the bonus and I was ready to scoff down at least $500 worth of it. I even ed to use my napkins, one on my lap and the other in my shirt, because my mother reminded me what a hapless slob I ate like. She is such a treat sometimes.

After we ate, Jace walked me to my car, I backed up against my door and he leaned in for a kiss. As my eyes rolled back in my head, he stopped abruptly.

“Do you know her?”

“Who?”

One perfectly strong pointer finger directed my batting lashes toward the driver’s window.

“Her.”

“Oh my God!”

Mary Elizabeth was sitting in the enger seat sleeping, buck naked except for the mid length coat that was pulled around her shoulders but open everywhere else. She startled as I wrenched open the door.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you even cold?”

“Where is Gordie?”

“Gordie is home with his wife! And this is my dirty truck now! Jesus, that coat better cover your ass? Do you know how much a detail is?”

Jace was overly amused by all of this. He genuinely had no idea what kind of craziness he had stepped into.

She pulled her coat closed and stepped out of the enger door. “Tell him I was looking for him.” She flipped her gorgeous chestnut mane and began to strut away, ass cheeks peeking out from below the hem, when suddenly she stopped. “Do you know what kind of car he drives now?”

“Oh, for God sakes!”

She responded with a hiss and kept on in the opposite direction. Jace leaned back in for a second time and finished the job he had set out to accomplish. Boy did he finish it!

With a grin as big as Delmont’s junk, I drove back to office whistling Dixie to catch up on some paperwork that was due early next week. Several snowplows had lined the streets while their owners determined a game plan to tackle the latest early morning storm, so I drove around the building to take advantage of the back parking lot spaces.

A 20 something woman with spiky blond hair and knee high lace up boots was furiously hammering a ‘Have You Seen Me’ poster onto the telephone pole next to the entrance I had just pulled past. Tucked inside of her partially unbuttoned pea coat was a large stack of identical images.

She was so engrossed that she barely noticed when I stopped to check it out. She was offering a $3,000 reward for proof that could be validated.

“What’s going on?” I did a double take and noticed the picture on the poster was her.

“I’m not totally sure. About three months ago I woke up in a hospital room and couldn’t anything. A couple came in to claim me, they said I was their niece, that they saw a news clip about an amnesia patient.”

“You don’t believe them?”

“I don’t know, my instincts told me something wasn’t right but since I couldn’t anything I figured I wasn’t being fair. But then the hospital called and said that I’d never taken my purse so I went back to retrieve it. Obviously there wasn’t a driver’s license for identification, but in a hidden pocket I found a bank card and safety deposit box key from Northern Savings. ” She began shifting her weight between each foot in a nervous stance.

“Did you go there?”

“I gave it a shot, but it was tricky getting out here. They have been really adamant that I don’t leave their neighborhood unless I’m going to work. So I called in sick last Tuesday and took a cab here. “

“Where do they live?” My curiosity was soaring.

“In Brentwood, it’s two counties away. Anyway, shortly after I arrived this guy ran up to me. He was hysterical, hugging me and saying how worried he had been. He said he’s my boyfriend but I couldn’t place him. Then by the time I got to the bank, they were closed.” Her eyes began to dart about as if she was worried she’d been followed. “I decided to hang these posters here because if this is really where I’m from, someone should recognize me. Besides Aunt Bridget and Uncle David never come out this way as far as I know.”

I gave her my business card and best smile. “I tell you what, my office is right upstairs. Take your poster back down and let’s have a talk. For that same price I can save you the hassle of crank calls and bad leads, this option will also keep these so called relatives from catching wind of what you’re up to. What do you think?”

“I can’t believe you’re a Private Investigator!” She grinned broadly and trust shone in her eyes.

“Is that a yes?”

“Absolutely!”

Damn, I was getting good at this!