300 Clean Jokes For Kids 22192t
This document was ed by and they confirmed that they have the permission to share it. If you are author or own the copyright of this book, please report to us by using this report form. Report 2z6p3t
Overview 5o1f4z
& View 300 Clean Jokes For Kids as PDF for free.
More details 6z3438
- Words: 7,425
- Pages: 150
- Publisher: Donald Shaw
- Released Date: Jul 25, 2019
- ISBN: 9780463671344
- Author: Donald Shaw
300 Clean Jokes for Kids
Published by Donald Shaw at Smashwords
Copyright 2016 Donald Shaw
www.DonaldShaw.org
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – for example, electronic, photocopy, recording – without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Table of Contents
TABLE OF CONTENTS
11 TIPS FOR THE YOUNG JOKESTERS
300 CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS
REVIEWS
11 TIPS FOR THE YOUNG JOKESTERS
Practice!You may practice your joke-telling skills in front of a mirror. Then try to practice it on your parents or siblings before you tell the joke to your friends.
Do not rush!If you tell the joke quickly, people may not hear some important words. It will force you to repeat the joke, which won’t be as funny, as you have expected. Speak clearly and not too fast.
Understand it first!Never tell the jokes that you did not get. If you are not sure, ask your parents what is funny in it. If you do not find a particular joke hilarious, move on to another joke. Likely, your friends won’t enjoy and understand the joke that you did not like. So only tell those jokes you love.
Give time!Give your audience some time to understand the joke. Do not explain your joke immediately after telling it.
Avoid insults!Some of the jokes may get you in trouble. Those jokes may be offensive to some people. Luckily, this book will give you ONLY clean jokes.
No announcements needed!People will bedelightedto hear your joke out of a sudden.
Choose the right moment!The previous tip does not mean you can tell any
joke whenever you want. Pick the proper time when people are ready to have fun and enjoy your humor. For example, it may be a bad idea to tell jokes when someone is too busy, concerned, feels disappointed, sick, or has just cut his finger.
Do not overestimate it!You may find out that you like some of the jokes, but the others won’t think they are so bright. Do not announce you are about to tell a VERY FUNNY JOKE. You don’t need your audience to expect too much from it.
Do not be the first to laugh!Wait until your audience understands the joke and starts laughing. Then you can laugh with them, but not before them.
Be serious!Most of the jokes are told with a ‘straight’ face. It’s making the joke funnier.
Learn from the professionals!When you watch TV or YouTube, pay attention to your favorite comedians. How do they ‘work’ with their audience? What do they do with their hands? Try to learn from them, and you will be very successful in telling jokes!
300 CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS
***
- What did one worm say to another one?
- Where in the earth have you been?
***
- What did the baby chicken say to his mom, when he saw her sitting on the watermelon?
- Mummy, will I have a huge green striped brother?
***
- What do you get when you cross a fluffy cat and a green parrot?
- A fluffy green carrot!
***
- What do you get when you cross a parrot and a bee?
- A bird that makes honey and talks all day long how busy she is.
***
- Darth Vader, do you like toasts?
- Yes, but only if they have the dark side.
***
- Would you rather be chased by a hungry lion or by a huge green monster?
- I'd rather have them leave me alone and chase each other.
***
- Patrick, why are you late for school today?
- Sir, I was dreaming about the NBA game. We could not determine a winner, and there were six overtime periods!
***
Call your dog, and he will come to you. Call your cat, and he will take a message.
***
- What’s long, yellow, can be peeled and moves 550 miles per hour?
- A banana in a Boeing-777.
***
- I’ve seen the snail moving at the same speed as a train.
- It’s not possible!
- I swear! But that snail was inside the train.
***
- What if someone will try to cross his rabbit with a wolf?
- He will have to get a new rabbit.
***
- What’s yellow, likes honey and goes round and round?
- Winnie-the-Pooh in a washing machine!
***
- What do you get if you cross a watermelon and an onion?
- A large juicy fruit that will make you cry.
***
- What has got 80 eyes and 80 feet?
- Ten tarantulas.
***
- What is the difference between a poisonous yellow snake and a banana?
- You will find out immediately as soon as you try to peel that poisonous yellow snake!
***
- A skunk has learned some magic, and now it has got a boomerang skill.
- What kind of skill is that?
- It’s a skill to produce a smell that keeps returning to a certain person.
***
- Daddy, I cannot go to school today because I feel bad.
- Where do you feel bad?
- In school.
***
- Zombie hairdresser is sad. He is dying at work every day.
***
Two dogs: a Boxer and a Doberman pinscher are walking in the park. The Doberman says:
- I like swimming and tennis. But football is good too! I always get a few sausages during the Saturday game. How do you like football?
The boxer replies:
- I don’t care about football. I am a boxer.
***
The tie is saying to the hat:
- OK dude, you go on ahead, and I will just hang around!
***
- Please name five animals that live in Australia.
- Kangaroo, his wife, and their three kids.
***
- What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a dog?
- A GIRA-DOG. He would bark at the airplanes flying by.
***
- Did you hear about the dog that was eating garlic all the time?
- Yes, when it ed by me, I felt worse than when the other dog bit me.
***
- How do you make rich milk?
- It's simple. You need to feed your cow with money.
***
- What is the main difference between a frog and a cat?
- The cat says MEOW… The frog is green…
- That’s not it. Cat has nine lives. And frog croaks every night.
***
- How do you know there is a snowman in your bed?
- It’s melting, and you can smell carrots.
***
- What if nothing is melting in your bed, but you still can smell carrots?
- You must have a rabbit in your bed.
***
Grandma is saying to her grandson:
- You need to study harder, Johnny. You don’t even know the U.S. Presidents.
- I know Obama and Trump.
- When I was 12, I could recite all Presidents’ names by heart, starting with George Washington.
- I thought when you were 12, George Washington was the current and the only President.
***
- Storks bring human babies. Who brings monster babies?
- Monster storks.
***
- Can you imagine my neighbor is afraid of the squirrels?
- Ha-ha! He must be nuts!
***
***
- Scientists have proven some insects can read your thoughts.
- Really?
- Yes, for example, bees always know when you are about to eat ice cream outside.
***
- What if tarantulas were as big and smart as horses?
- After biting people, they would have taken them to the hospital.
***
- Why did the parrot want to become a President?
- He liked to repeat the same old lines.
***
- How do you find where a mosquito has bitten you at night?
- You have to start from scratch.
***
- What did Winnie the Pooh say to the bee?
- Give me your honey or your life!
***
- How can you make a jump rope?
- Cross a kangaroo and an anaconda.
***
- How do the pigs celebrate birthdays?
- They jump in the cake.
***
- What will happen if the pigs learn to fly?
- The ham will go up!
***
A bunch of flies played basketball in a saucer. After the game they talked:
- We need to play better next time!
- That’s right. Tomorrow we will play in a cup!
***
- If two men meet each other and give each other a handshake, what do the cows do when they meet?
- They give each other a milkshake.
***
- What will the bull have if he stops shaving?
- He will have a MOO-stache.
***
- I saw the firefly who has just become a mother, and she was unhappy.
- Why?
- Her kids were not too bright.
***
- What's the favorite movie for the chickens?
- Chicken run.
- Why?
- They find it very hen-tertaining!
***
- How do you spot a modern genius spider?
- His web is in the cloud.
***
- What can a strong mosquito do to you?
- If you slap him, he can slap you back.
***
- How do you prevent the monsters from getting into your home?
- Close the door.
***
- The bees went on strike.
- What do they want?
- Shorter flowers, fewer flights, and more honey.
***
- What do you get when you cross an alligator with a rose?
- I have no idea. But don't even try to smell it!
***
- What is tiny, can fly and has got blue and red flashing lights?
- Firefly police.
***
- Did you hear about the talking duck that came for the interview because she wanted to get a job on television?
- Did they hire her?
- Well, yes, they wanted to hire her. But at the end of their conversation, she left.
- Why?
- She thought she is applying for the Feather Forecast, but it was the Weather Forecast.
***
The judge came to the dentist and asked him to swear to pull the tooth, the whole
tooth and nothing but the tooth.
***
- Did you hear the story about a male cat who has found the love of his life?
- Yes, what did he say to her? "Meow"?
- No, he said: "Purrfect.”
***
- What is the difference between a talking parrot and a radio?
- The radio can be shut up.
***
- This rabbit is not hopping well.
- Why not?
- He always keeps one of his feet in the pocket for good luck!
***
- The first mammals in space were monkeys. Or maybe dogs?
- The first mammal in space was the cow that jumped over the Moon.
***
- There should be a reason for the cow to jump over the Moon!
- What if she wanted to become the first cow on the Moon?
- No, I think she wanted to find the Milky Way.
***
- My grandma's neighbor is a farmer. He always sleeps under his tractor.
- But why?
- Because he wants to wake up oily in the morning!
***
- What is the past tense of "moo"?
- MOON!
***
When the dinosaur met the history professor, the extinct animal did nothing to
him. They just talked about ancient times.
***
Matthew: “Sir, can I use the bathroom?”
Teacher: “Only after you tell me the ABC.”
Matthew: “Abcd-efg-hijk-lmno-qrs-tuv-wxy and Z.”
Teacher: “Where is the P?”
Matthew: “Halfway to the floor.”
***
***
The fish is asking her mother:
- Mummy, what is a parallel universe?
- Imagine we are living on the land, and our daddy is trying to hook a human.
***
- What do you call a bunny playing with the wolves?
- A dummy-bunny.
***
- When does a cat say Cock-a-doodle-doo?
- When he is an actor, and he is playing the role of a rooster.
***
- What is so special about the Mississippi river?
- It has got four eyes but cannot see anything.
***
- Tomorrow we will have a lesson on Saturn and Jupiter. Please don’t be late.
- I am sorry, but my mother won’t let me go that far!
***
- How many hairs are in a horse’s body?
- None. All its hairs are outside of the body.
***
- I hate history lessons.
- But why?
- Every time we have a history lesson, the teacher asks me about the events that took place even before I was born.
***
- What do you call the ants with the legs of the geckos?
- The ANT-phibians.
***
- When I walked into the park, I spotted a Dalmatian.
- There was no need to do that. He already had the spots.
***
- What do you get when you cross a zebra and a sheep?
- A warm striped sweater.
***
- Why did the cavemen draw the mammoths on the walls?
- Because the mammoths could not do it, so the cavemen decided to help.
***
- How do you catch a catfish?
- Ask a dogfish for help.
***
- What is the difference between seven days and a grandmother with the flu?
- Seven days is a WEEK, and sick grandmother is WEAK.
***
- How to make a fruit punch?
- Make that fruit alive and give it some boxing lessons.
***
- How do you lift a dolphin with one hand?
- Forget it! You can never find a one-handed dolphin!
***
- All waiters like frogs more than flies.
- Why?
- First: frogs eat flies. Second: you would never hear: “Waiter, why do I have a frog in my soup?”
***
- Waiter, that’s embarrassing! Why do I have a frog in my soup?
- Sir, it’s a French restaurant, and you ordered a frog soup.
***
- How would you call a school bus for the sea creatures?
- The OCTO-BUS!
***
- Why do fish never play handball?
- They have no idea where they can get a ball.
***
- If we give a ball to the fish, can they play water polo?
- No, they are afraid of the nets.
***
- How do the little lions learn hunting?
- They hide near the road and wait until zebra is crossing it.
***
A tourist stopped a man carrying a football and asked him:
- How do I get to a Super Bowl?
- Practice!
***
- A polar bear opened a fast-food restaurant for the other polar bears on the North Pole?
- What kind of food do they serve there?
- Frozen sushi without rice and iceburgers.
***
- Why did the fisher use six hooks in the fishing line?
- For higher fishing eFISHancy!
***
Saint PIGTRICK’S Day is when the pigs paint their hooves and snouts green.
***
- What would you call an eight-day-old dog in Cuba?
- A puppy.
***
- What would you call an eight-months-old dog in Korea?
- A dinner.
***
- Why are flamingos pink?
- So you can distinguish them from crocodiles.
***
- Have you heard of a dancing rabbit?
- Yes, he was a hip-hopper.
***
- We are expecting a baby.
- When you say: "We are expecting a baby," it makes me think that there is more than one outcome. Kind of: "We are expecting a baby, but it could be a puppy or a dinosaur."
***
***
- What did the duck say when she crossed a big pond?
- It was a long swim!
- No, she did not say a word. Ducks don’t talk!
***
- Who is driving his customers away and is still doing his job great?
- A taxi driver.
***
- What is extremely heavy forward but not backward?
- TON.
***
- Where do people get cool music from?
- They put their radios in the fridge.
***
- There was one sailor who got kicked off the submarine?
- Why?
- Well, every time he went to sleep, he was opening the window.
***
- What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
- Every morning you'll rise and shine!
***
- Cinderella got kicked off the soccer school team.
- But why?
- She was a great goalkeeper. But when the clock struck twelve, she ran away from the ball.
***
- Why is the sea salty?
- Fish put salt into the sea to make it taste better. They tried to put pepper as well, but it made them sneeze.
***
When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the ABC. No one knew Y.
***
- Why don’t giraffes send their kids to Elementary School?
- Giraffes can only go to High School.
***
A computer geek is making an order in a French restaurant:
- Please close all of the windows and give me an apple pie a la modem.
***
- I purchased a green tomato a few days ago. Now I found it is red.
- Why?
- I kept it in the kitchen. Perhaps, it saw the salad dressing and turned red!
***
- What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
- You’ll get the dog that can catch mosquitos and lick you from the other room.
***
- Did you hear about a polite dinosaur?
- Pardonodactyl?
- No, it's a PleaseYOsaur.
***
- Something was wrong with that milk that I drank.
- Why do you think so?
- It's inside information.
***
- I want to calculate the seconds in the year.
- It's very easy. There are only 12 seconds in the year.
- Really? That's not possible!
- Count with me, then. The second of January, the second of February...
***
- Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
- Because then it would be a foot!
***
- The priest said Eve gave an Apple to Adam.
- I am wondering was it Apple Mac or Apple Watch?
***
- What concert costs 45 cents?
- 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
***
A phone call to the computer service.
- Help me, please. My computer has got a divorce virus!
- What? How do you know that!
- My motherboard is no longer talking to my data.
***
- Dad, what should I do if the computer is saying it cannot see my printer?
- You need to clean up your room, son. It's so messy! I cannot see your printer either.
***
- How many coins can you put in an empty piggy bank?
- Only one! After that, it’s not empty anymore!
***
- Son, did you pick up the phone? Who called?
- There was some guy with a prank.
- What did he say?
- He said: “It’s long-distance from New Zealand.” I said: “You are right, man,” and hung up.
***
- If the mountain is funny, what do you call it?
- HILL-ARIOUS!
***
- How do you call a cannibal who ate his father's sister?
- An aunt-eater.
***
- What is the scariest music for balloons?
- It’s POP music.
***
- What is the BP station?
- It’s the place where the bees go to pee.
***
- My dog doesn't have a nose.
- What? And how does he smell?
- Very bad!
***
- Honey, I came back from the beauty shop!
- Let me see... Oh, they have a day off, right?
***
- How do you make cold hard cash?
- Put your dollars and pennies into the freezer and wait for an hour.
***
***
- Mom, did you hear about Pencil-vania?
- It’s one of the fifty states.
- No, it’s the place where the pencils go on vacation.
***
- Knock! Knock!
- Who is there?
- Woooo!
- Wooooo who?
- It’s me. Are you crying there?
***
- How do you call the lawyer’s clothing?
- Lawsuit.
***
Aaron: “Hey Richard, if Olivia asks about me, I'm going to stand outside.”
(2 minutes later)
Olivia: “Where is Aaron?”
Richard: “Aaron is outstanding.”
***
Some people say money doesn’t grow on trees, and they are lying. Every bank that I know has got branches.
***
- Why don't elephants use the computer?
- They are afraid of the mouse.
***
- Why should you never accept candies from strangers?
- Because it might be past its sell-by date.
***
- My dog has fewer. What should I do?
- Give him some mustard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
***
- Leopards cannot hide.
- Why?
- They are always spotted!
***
- When do you stop at green and go at red?
- Ask someone who likes watermelons!
***
Grandson is asking his grandfather:
- Why are you bald? Where is your hair?
- I had an awesome hair before serving in Vietnam. That’s where I started losing it.
The next day the grandson is writing a history report at school: “During the war in Vietnam, my grandfather got his hair shot off by the enemy.”
***
One guy opened a restaurant called KARMA. There is no menu. Every client gets what he or she deserves.
***
- Why did the traffic light turn red?
- He is always shy. Imagine you would need to change on the main street!
***
- Do you even know who INVESTIGATOR is?
- I can guess it’s an alligator in a vest.
***
Son: “Why my voice is not as gruff as all men have?”
Mom: “Oh, dear, you are too young. Your voice will change as you grow up.”
Son: “Wow, that’s awesome! I hope to be like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and maybe I’ll even get German accent!”
***
- I used to be an origami teacher, and I hated my job.
- I bet there was too much paperwork!
***
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Pizza.
- Pizza who?
- Pizza very nice girl!
***
- What has no legs, one horn, and gives milk?
- It’s a milk truck.
***
- What has two wheels, eats grass, and gives milk?
- A cow on a scooter.
***
- A cowboy arrived in a small town on Sunday. The next morning he left on Sunday.
- Impossible!
- Well, his horse's name is Sunday!
***
- What word looks the same both upside down and backward?
- SWIMS.
***
The easiest thing in the world for me is sleeping. I can even do it with my eyes closed.
***
- Have you heard of the most popular dance in 1776?
- Yes, it’s called “Indepen-dance”!
***
- What is the favorite dinner of the giant sea monster?
- Whale-burger and a dozen of crispy ships.
***
- I hate microwaves!
- But why?
- When there are microwaves at the beach, I cannot go surfing.
***
- What do you call an insect without an eye?
- NSECT!
***
- Why could not two penguins get married?
- They couldn't break the ice.
***
- What is worse than meeting a black cat?
- Meeting an alligator of any color.
***
- What never asks questions and cannot even talk but receives a lot of answers?
- A microphone in your cell phone.
***
- Josh, so why did you swallow four quarters?
- Sir, my mom said these were my lunch money.
***
***
- I found ground beef in the field.
- Really?
- Yes, the cow was lying on the ground.
***
- If you make friends with a ghostYourbut he moves to the other state, how do you send him a holiday postcard?
- Take the postcard to the ghost office.
***
- What time is that when ten dogs are chasing two cats?
- It's ten after two.
***
- Why did the spider go to the library?
- He knew they have free WI-FI there, and he wanted to find out what is a website.
***
- What are you eating under there?
- Under where?
- Haha! You are eating underwear!
***
- What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a billion letters in it?
- Post Office!
***
- What is the difference between zebras and onions?
- Zebras don't make you cry.
***
- How many chickens do you need to make a chicken broth?
- Not sure. But I don't think chickens can cook.
***
Winnie the Pooh and Tigger walk into the store. Tigger lies down the floor, and Winnie the Pooh comes to the storekeeper and tells him:
- Please, give something to drink to my friend.
One of the customers looks on the floor and says:
- Oh, what is this lying on the floor?
Tigger replies:
- Hey silly! Don't you see I am not a lion, I am a tiger?
***
- Mooo! Don't be afraid of the cow madness!
- I am not afraid.
- Why?
- I am a talking parrot.
***
- What can you find in the middle of something?
- 'T' letter.
***
- What is the best thing to put into ice cream?
- Your tongue.
***
- Why cannot you hear penguins use the bathroom?
- The P is silent.
***
- What is as big as a spaceship, but weighs nothing?
- Its reflection.
***
The boy came to the Nike store. His father gave him the money to buy new sneakers.
- Hi Miss, I need Nike Air sneakers.
- Okay, what is your size?
- It's 7.
- I only have size 10 and 11. You can take 10.
- But my size is 7.
- No problem, I will give you extra-large scissors, and you make it smaller.
***
- Why the school principal looks so nervous?
- There are too many rulers in school.
***
- Recently one of my friends went on vacation to New Zealand. He took math book and solved 100 problems while on the plane.
- Why would he solve math problems on the plane?
- He said he wanted to have higher education.
***
- What do you call a pizza for a puppy?
- Puppironi.
***
- What has a long neck, yellow and orange and lives in savannah?
- Giraffe?
- No, lion.
- But you said it has a long neck!
- I lied about the neck.
***
- What is the difference between a wolf and a flea?
- The wolf howls on the prairie. And the flea prowls on the hairy.
***
Two fishes are on the grill. One of them says: "Oh! It's so hot!" Another one: "Gosh, it's a talking dead fish!"
***
- How can the octopus call his wife when she is away?
- With a shell-phone.
***
- Knock-knock.
- Who’s there?
- Barbie.
- Barbie who?
- Barbie Q. Let's go outside and make a BBQ!
***
- What has wool like a sheep, and says "Baaa" like a sheep, but is not a sheep.
- A lamb.
***
- What do you call a huge green monster wearing yellow earmuffs?
- Anything you like. He won't hear you anyway!
***
Kangaroo wanted to dance with zebra.
- Sorry, kangaroo. I am not a good dancer.
- Why?
- I have two left feet.
***
- Knock-knock.
- Who’s there?
- Dog says.
- Dog says who?
- No, you silly boy. Dog says woof!
***
- Why did the laptop go to the beach?
- He wanted to surf the Internet.
***
- Why did the old lady take one-half of her umbrella?
- Because the forecast stated, there would be 50% chances of rain.
***
- What to do if my dog swallowed my cell phone?
- Ask your Mom to buy a new cell phone, or use a landline.
***
***
- Why you won't find a fish with the flu?
- They take a lot of Vitamin Sea.
***
- How do you make goldhamster old?
- Wait for a few years?
- No, take away the "G" letter.
***
- Why did the elephant eat the light bulbs?
- He said he wanted to have a light breakfast.
***
- What's very tasty and sounds like a tie?
- A pie.
***
- What time is it when your sunglasses fell, and you stepped on it?
- Time to buy new sunglasses.
***
- What did the sardine call the submarine?
- A can of human beings.
***
- Michael said you have a new joke about pizza.
- Yes, do you want to hear it?
- No, Michael said it was too cheesy.
***
- Mom, I can make a butterfly.
- How?
- If I throw the butter out of the window.
***
- What happens when the ant gets injured?
- The other ants call the ANT-BULANCE.
***
- Where do the books sleep at night?
- Under the covers.
***
- What happens if you travel with your dog in the Sahara desert and you don't put your dog in the shade.
- Your dog may turn into a hot dog.
***
- Did Noah fish while on the arc?
- He was thinking about it. But then he realized they only have two worms.
***
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
***
- How do you make a small earthquake in the Zoo?
- Throw a dozen of mice into the elephants' cage.
***
- Is this fish soup good?
- It's good unless you are a fish.
***
- What do you call a polar bear in the Sahara Desert?
- Lost.
***
Two horses stand in the stable and talk to each other.
- Neigh!
- Cock-a-doodle-doo!
- Why did you say "Cock-a-doodle-doo"?
- Oh, I'm just learning foreign languages.
***
- Why is the duck braver than a hen?
- Because the duck is not a chicken.
***
- S and H are two letters that cannot talk.
- Why?
- When people see them together, they say "SH!"
***
- I cannot believe you can walk through the walls!
- Yes, I can! But only through the walls that have doors.
***
- Where were the dinosaurs buying clothes in the Jurassic period, if malls have not existed yet?
- They had to go to the DINO-SEWER.
***
- Hi, do you have alligator shoes?
- Yes, sir. What's the size of your alligator's foot?”
***
- Why does the tiger wear a striped fur coat?
- He loves his pink ski jacket, but he looks silly wearing it.
***
- Have you heard the joke about electricity, Australia, and a polar bear?
- No.
- That's because this joke hasn't been made up yet.
***
A man walks into the library and asks the librarian loudly:
- I would like to have pizza, extra cheese, French fries, and a medium soda.
- Sir, this is a library!
- (quietly)... Oh, sorry! (nearly whispers) Can I have pizza, extra cheese, French fries, and a medium soda?
***
- Do egoistic people like Thanksgiving.
- They do. But they call it Thanks-taking.
***
Teacher: "The shortest month is February."
Student: "I am sorry, Miss. The shortest month is May. It only has got three letters."
***
- Why you never can see a snake wearing a suit?
- Snakes prefer to be sNaked.
***
- Egyptian Pharaohs were very confused.
- Why?
- They found out their daddies were mummies.
***
- Despite the traffic jams, the barber is never late for work. Why?
- He knows a short cut.
***
***
- My father's best friend is a soccer referee.
- I hope he doesn't bring his whistle when he comes to visit you.
- No, he doesn't. But every holiday he sends us greetings on the yellow and red cards.
***
- I saw our school team's quarterback yelling to the soda machine.
- What did the quarterback yell?
- Gimme my quarter back!
***
- Aaron, why all I say to you gets in one ear and out the other?
- Maybe it's because of my anatomy. I have got two ears.
***
- What did the hedgehog say when he came to the cactus field?
- I never knew my family was that big!
***
- Why do the animals in the wood eat raw food?
- They have no cookbooks out there.
***
- What did volcano say to his girlfriend?
- I am going to give you all my lava!
***
- Where can you always find a dinosaur?
- In the dictionary.
***
- Do the monsters brush their teeth?
- Yes, they hate to have BAT breath!
***
- My cat is a genius!
- Why?
- He solved the math problem. I asked him what if I buy four bananas, and I eat one, give one to my wife, and give one banana to each of my two kids. So what will I have left? He said nothing!
***
- Why are penguins cheap to keep as pets?
- They live on ice.
***
- Which side of the duck has the most feathers?
- The outside.
***
- What is the difference between guitar and piano?
- Try picking them up!
***
- When is the moon about to go broke?
- When it's down to its last quarter.
***
- What is the capital of ?
- F.
***
- What happens when you cross a ghost with Bambi?
- Bam-boo!
***
- Why cannot the scooter stand up by himself?
- Because it's not alive?
- No, because it's two-tired.
***
- What do koalas order at McDonald's?
- Coca-Koala.
***
- What happens if you release aquarium fish in the ocean?
- It gets wet.
***
Two fishes are sitting in the tank, and one of them says:
- Okay, dude. Today I drive, and you shoot.
***
- Do you know a dirty joke about the white cat?
- The White cat fell in the mud!
***
Baby-snake is asking her Mom:
- Are we poisonous?
- Yes, honey, why are you asking?
- I have just bit my tongue.
***
- What can bring you anywhere in the world, but never moves?
- The road.
***
- How do you know where the head of the worm is?
- Tickle it and listen which end of the worm is laughing.
***
A baby bear met a baby monkey for the first time in her life and grabbed it by the tail.
Baby bear asked: "What is it?"
Baby monkey replied: "It's the end of me."
***
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- She needed to get to the other side.
***
- Why did the rooster cross the road?
- So that no one thinks he is a chicken.
***
- Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
- It was stuck on the rooster's foot.
***
- Why didn't mammoth cross the road?
- There were no roads during the Ice Age.
***
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a worm?
- Huge holes near your house every time it rains.
***
- What is green and has big teeth?
- Crocodile.
- Right. What is white and has big teeth?
- White shark?
- No, a frozen crocodile.
- Why is it frozen?
- It's on the North Pole.
***
***
Mother Monster is asking her Son Monster:
- Why won’t you go and play basketball with your little sister?
- Mom, I’d rather play with a real basketball.
***
- Doctor, doctor! My sister thinks she is a school bus.
- Can you bring her here, please?
- I can’t. She is waiting in the parking lot near the school, and I cannot move her.
- Ok, bring her here when the studies are over.
***
- Doctor, doctor! My sister still thinks she is a school bus.
- Did you bring her with you?
- I tried, but she got stuck in the doorway, and she is saying she ran out of gas.
***
- Did you hear the piglet’s mom does not allow her to read romantic novels?
- Why?
- She thinks otherwise her piglet may run away with a wolf.
***
- A crocodile was asked to wake everyone up instead of a rooster when the rooster got sick. What did the crocodile say?
- Croco-doodle-dooooo!
***
Elephant-kid is getting ready for school. His Mom checks the weather forecast and says:
- Hey boy, it will be raining later today. Don’t forget your UMBRELLAPHANT!
***
- Why isn’t there a Super Pig?
- None of the pigs can change clothes in a telephone booth.
***
- What has four legs but cannot walk?
- A chair.
***
- What has four legs and two eyes but cannot walk?
- A fish in a tank on the chair.
***
Two pigs were in love. What did one of them say to another one on February 14th?
- Will you be my VALENSWINE?
***
- I've recently found out that you need to have a license for a dog.
- Really? I was going to get a cat. Will I need a license as well?
- No, not for a cat. Cats do not drive.
***
- What is the difference between a butterfly and a piece of paper?
- You cannot make origami out of a butterfly.
***
Two balloons are floating across the Sahara desert. One of them says:
- What is your least favorite plant?
- Cactussssssssssssssssss…
***
- Do you know who a STINKASAURUS is?
- A stinky dinosaur?
- No, it’s a skunk riding a dinosaur.
***
- What lives in savanna, weighs 20 tons, has six fuzzy ears, and is 95 million
years old?
- Three rabbits riding a Savannasaurus.
***
- I had to take my cat to the vet after the olives hit him.
- Why?
- Those were canned olives.
***
- How can a soccer team never concede a goal?
- They should make an elephant their goalkeeper.
***
- How do you get a horse into a closet?
- Get the clothes out of the closet and put the horse inside.
***
- How do you get a wolf into a closet?
- Get the clothes out and put the wolf inside?
- No, you need to take the horse out first. The horse won’t sit there with a wolf.
***
- We all know goldfish has a very short memory. What do we get if we cross a goldfish and a rabbit?
- A gray fish with long ears and average memory. And it will never forget to eat its carrots.
***
- The pig has written a book and sent it to the publisher. The reviewer criticized it, but the pig was happy to hear his words.
- Why?
- He said the book was garbage!
***
- What kind of animals can live in a refrigerator?
- Cold ones.
***
- I don't like your Grandfather.
- Me neither. He spent 30 years in the nuthouse.
- 30 years! And they let him go? He must have been very sick!
- No, he used to be a doctor there.
***
- What has a crazy rabbit in common with a counterfeit banknote?
- They sound similarly: mad bunny and bad money!
***
- Son, did you like that Kinder Egg we gave you yesterday?
- The chocolate was great, but the shell was a little bit hard.
***
- What do young monsters eat at school for lunch?
- Boiled legs, human beans, and eyes cream.
***
- Where does King Kong sleep?
- Wherever he wants.
***
- Michael, I cannot find my birthday cake.
- Too bad, because it was good. Oops!
***
- All dinosaurs were hipsters.
- Why?
- They lived on the Earth before it was cool.
***
Halloween party. The boy walks in with a pillowcase on his head. The friends ask him:
- Are you a ghost?
- No.
- A bank robber? A zombie?
- No, I am an unmade bed!
***
***
- What should you say to a crazy boar when you see him driving a sports car?
- Say nothing. Just get out of the way!
***
- What do you call a pig that got away from you on the helicopter?
- Swine flu!
***
- What did the pig say when it noticed a fly in its porridge?
- I’ve got some porridge and meat today! Yummy!
***
In pig school, the teacher asks:
- Piglets, what do you want to be when you grow up?
- Garbage collectors!
***
- How do you get straight A’s?
- All you need is a pen, a piece of paper, and a ruler.
***
- What did the carpet say to the floor?
- I’ve got you covered!
***
The elephant walks into Wal-Mart and says:
- It’s getting cold. Do you guys sell ELE-PANTS?
***
- What has got a very long neck and jumps every 30 seconds?
- A giraffe with a hiccup.
***
- My dog is very good at playing football.
- What is his breed?
- A golden receiver.
***
- What dog can never get lost at night?
- A glowberman pinscher.
***
- My bunnies are great bedtime storytellers!
- Really?
- Yes, they have very short and nice tales.
***
- What is brown and sounds like a bell?
- Dung!
***
- What is an example of a nervous breakdown?
- It’s a chameleon running on a long khaki fabric.
***
- What is your dog's most favorite meat?
- Any meat you would give him.
***
- How do you get a horse out of a small room on the twentieth floor?
- The same way it’s got into it.
***
- Why was the dog afraid of the sunny weather?
- It thought the sun might turn it into a hot dog.
***
- Why was the chicken afraid of the sunny weather?
- It thought the sun might turn it into KFC’s Chicken on the Bone.
***
- Knock-knock.
- Who’s there?
- Mary C. and H. N. Y.
- Mary who and what?
- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
***
- How does Santa call his photo camera?
- North Pole-aroid.
- And his mobile operating system?
- North Pole-android.
***
- What is the name of Santa’s wife?
- Mary Christmas!
***
- Who has got pointed ears, golden hair, and wears glass shoes?
- Cinder-elf.
***
- What is the best Christmas present for mummies?
- A new Christmas wrapping.
***
Mom: “Emma, how was your day?”
Emma: “It was cool! Daddy took me to the Zoo, and we saw a Christmas tree coming out of a chicken!”
Mom: “What?”
Dad: “Honey, Emma saw a peacock showing off its plumage.”
***
Adam comes to his wife one day before Christmas and tells her: "Merry Christmas, Eve."
***
- What do you call an old snowman?
- Water!
***
The rabbit comes by the snowman and asks him:
- Can you smell carrot?
***
- I saw Santa Claus in the garden!
- Yes, me too! He was like, “hoe, hoe, hoe!”
***
- What is Claustrophobia?
- It’s when you are afraid of Santa Claus!
***
December is speaking to the other months:
- I have something none of you have!
- Christmas?
- No, the letter 'D'!
***
- How do you make my favorite school teacher laugh?
- Try to tickle him.
- I don’t think it’s appropriate.
- Okay! Tell him one of the previous 299 best jokes! :)
***
REVIEWS
Your reviews are extremely important!
If you have enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a short review on the book’s web page. It will help others to make an informed decision before buying my book. THANK YOU for your !
Published by Donald Shaw at Smashwords
Copyright 2016 Donald Shaw
www.DonaldShaw.org
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – for example, electronic, photocopy, recording – without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Table of Contents
TABLE OF CONTENTS
11 TIPS FOR THE YOUNG JOKESTERS
300 CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS
REVIEWS
11 TIPS FOR THE YOUNG JOKESTERS
Practice!You may practice your joke-telling skills in front of a mirror. Then try to practice it on your parents or siblings before you tell the joke to your friends.
Do not rush!If you tell the joke quickly, people may not hear some important words. It will force you to repeat the joke, which won’t be as funny, as you have expected. Speak clearly and not too fast.
Understand it first!Never tell the jokes that you did not get. If you are not sure, ask your parents what is funny in it. If you do not find a particular joke hilarious, move on to another joke. Likely, your friends won’t enjoy and understand the joke that you did not like. So only tell those jokes you love.
Give time!Give your audience some time to understand the joke. Do not explain your joke immediately after telling it.
Avoid insults!Some of the jokes may get you in trouble. Those jokes may be offensive to some people. Luckily, this book will give you ONLY clean jokes.
No announcements needed!People will bedelightedto hear your joke out of a sudden.
Choose the right moment!The previous tip does not mean you can tell any
joke whenever you want. Pick the proper time when people are ready to have fun and enjoy your humor. For example, it may be a bad idea to tell jokes when someone is too busy, concerned, feels disappointed, sick, or has just cut his finger.
Do not overestimate it!You may find out that you like some of the jokes, but the others won’t think they are so bright. Do not announce you are about to tell a VERY FUNNY JOKE. You don’t need your audience to expect too much from it.
Do not be the first to laugh!Wait until your audience understands the joke and starts laughing. Then you can laugh with them, but not before them.
Be serious!Most of the jokes are told with a ‘straight’ face. It’s making the joke funnier.
Learn from the professionals!When you watch TV or YouTube, pay attention to your favorite comedians. How do they ‘work’ with their audience? What do they do with their hands? Try to learn from them, and you will be very successful in telling jokes!
300 CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS
***
- What did one worm say to another one?
- Where in the earth have you been?
***
- What did the baby chicken say to his mom, when he saw her sitting on the watermelon?
- Mummy, will I have a huge green striped brother?
***
- What do you get when you cross a fluffy cat and a green parrot?
- A fluffy green carrot!
***
- What do you get when you cross a parrot and a bee?
- A bird that makes honey and talks all day long how busy she is.
***
- Darth Vader, do you like toasts?
- Yes, but only if they have the dark side.
***
- Would you rather be chased by a hungry lion or by a huge green monster?
- I'd rather have them leave me alone and chase each other.
***
- Patrick, why are you late for school today?
- Sir, I was dreaming about the NBA game. We could not determine a winner, and there were six overtime periods!
***
Call your dog, and he will come to you. Call your cat, and he will take a message.
***
- What’s long, yellow, can be peeled and moves 550 miles per hour?
- A banana in a Boeing-777.
***
- I’ve seen the snail moving at the same speed as a train.
- It’s not possible!
- I swear! But that snail was inside the train.
***
- What if someone will try to cross his rabbit with a wolf?
- He will have to get a new rabbit.
***
- What’s yellow, likes honey and goes round and round?
- Winnie-the-Pooh in a washing machine!
***
- What do you get if you cross a watermelon and an onion?
- A large juicy fruit that will make you cry.
***
- What has got 80 eyes and 80 feet?
- Ten tarantulas.
***
- What is the difference between a poisonous yellow snake and a banana?
- You will find out immediately as soon as you try to peel that poisonous yellow snake!
***
- A skunk has learned some magic, and now it has got a boomerang skill.
- What kind of skill is that?
- It’s a skill to produce a smell that keeps returning to a certain person.
***
- Daddy, I cannot go to school today because I feel bad.
- Where do you feel bad?
- In school.
***
- Zombie hairdresser is sad. He is dying at work every day.
***
Two dogs: a Boxer and a Doberman pinscher are walking in the park. The Doberman says:
- I like swimming and tennis. But football is good too! I always get a few sausages during the Saturday game. How do you like football?
The boxer replies:
- I don’t care about football. I am a boxer.
***
The tie is saying to the hat:
- OK dude, you go on ahead, and I will just hang around!
***
- Please name five animals that live in Australia.
- Kangaroo, his wife, and their three kids.
***
- What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a dog?
- A GIRA-DOG. He would bark at the airplanes flying by.
***
- Did you hear about the dog that was eating garlic all the time?
- Yes, when it ed by me, I felt worse than when the other dog bit me.
***
- How do you make rich milk?
- It's simple. You need to feed your cow with money.
***
- What is the main difference between a frog and a cat?
- The cat says MEOW… The frog is green…
- That’s not it. Cat has nine lives. And frog croaks every night.
***
- How do you know there is a snowman in your bed?
- It’s melting, and you can smell carrots.
***
- What if nothing is melting in your bed, but you still can smell carrots?
- You must have a rabbit in your bed.
***
Grandma is saying to her grandson:
- You need to study harder, Johnny. You don’t even know the U.S. Presidents.
- I know Obama and Trump.
- When I was 12, I could recite all Presidents’ names by heart, starting with George Washington.
- I thought when you were 12, George Washington was the current and the only President.
***
- Storks bring human babies. Who brings monster babies?
- Monster storks.
***
- Can you imagine my neighbor is afraid of the squirrels?
- Ha-ha! He must be nuts!
***
***
- Scientists have proven some insects can read your thoughts.
- Really?
- Yes, for example, bees always know when you are about to eat ice cream outside.
***
- What if tarantulas were as big and smart as horses?
- After biting people, they would have taken them to the hospital.
***
- Why did the parrot want to become a President?
- He liked to repeat the same old lines.
***
- How do you find where a mosquito has bitten you at night?
- You have to start from scratch.
***
- What did Winnie the Pooh say to the bee?
- Give me your honey or your life!
***
- How can you make a jump rope?
- Cross a kangaroo and an anaconda.
***
- How do the pigs celebrate birthdays?
- They jump in the cake.
***
- What will happen if the pigs learn to fly?
- The ham will go up!
***
A bunch of flies played basketball in a saucer. After the game they talked:
- We need to play better next time!
- That’s right. Tomorrow we will play in a cup!
***
- If two men meet each other and give each other a handshake, what do the cows do when they meet?
- They give each other a milkshake.
***
- What will the bull have if he stops shaving?
- He will have a MOO-stache.
***
- I saw the firefly who has just become a mother, and she was unhappy.
- Why?
- Her kids were not too bright.
***
- What's the favorite movie for the chickens?
- Chicken run.
- Why?
- They find it very hen-tertaining!
***
- How do you spot a modern genius spider?
- His web is in the cloud.
***
- What can a strong mosquito do to you?
- If you slap him, he can slap you back.
***
- How do you prevent the monsters from getting into your home?
- Close the door.
***
- The bees went on strike.
- What do they want?
- Shorter flowers, fewer flights, and more honey.
***
- What do you get when you cross an alligator with a rose?
- I have no idea. But don't even try to smell it!
***
- What is tiny, can fly and has got blue and red flashing lights?
- Firefly police.
***
- Did you hear about the talking duck that came for the interview because she wanted to get a job on television?
- Did they hire her?
- Well, yes, they wanted to hire her. But at the end of their conversation, she left.
- Why?
- She thought she is applying for the Feather Forecast, but it was the Weather Forecast.
***
The judge came to the dentist and asked him to swear to pull the tooth, the whole
tooth and nothing but the tooth.
***
- Did you hear the story about a male cat who has found the love of his life?
- Yes, what did he say to her? "Meow"?
- No, he said: "Purrfect.”
***
- What is the difference between a talking parrot and a radio?
- The radio can be shut up.
***
- This rabbit is not hopping well.
- Why not?
- He always keeps one of his feet in the pocket for good luck!
***
- The first mammals in space were monkeys. Or maybe dogs?
- The first mammal in space was the cow that jumped over the Moon.
***
- There should be a reason for the cow to jump over the Moon!
- What if she wanted to become the first cow on the Moon?
- No, I think she wanted to find the Milky Way.
***
- My grandma's neighbor is a farmer. He always sleeps under his tractor.
- But why?
- Because he wants to wake up oily in the morning!
***
- What is the past tense of "moo"?
- MOON!
***
When the dinosaur met the history professor, the extinct animal did nothing to
him. They just talked about ancient times.
***
Matthew: “Sir, can I use the bathroom?”
Teacher: “Only after you tell me the ABC.”
Matthew: “Abcd-efg-hijk-lmno-qrs-tuv-wxy and Z.”
Teacher: “Where is the P?”
Matthew: “Halfway to the floor.”
***
***
The fish is asking her mother:
- Mummy, what is a parallel universe?
- Imagine we are living on the land, and our daddy is trying to hook a human.
***
- What do you call a bunny playing with the wolves?
- A dummy-bunny.
***
- When does a cat say Cock-a-doodle-doo?
- When he is an actor, and he is playing the role of a rooster.
***
- What is so special about the Mississippi river?
- It has got four eyes but cannot see anything.
***
- Tomorrow we will have a lesson on Saturn and Jupiter. Please don’t be late.
- I am sorry, but my mother won’t let me go that far!
***
- How many hairs are in a horse’s body?
- None. All its hairs are outside of the body.
***
- I hate history lessons.
- But why?
- Every time we have a history lesson, the teacher asks me about the events that took place even before I was born.
***
- What do you call the ants with the legs of the geckos?
- The ANT-phibians.
***
- When I walked into the park, I spotted a Dalmatian.
- There was no need to do that. He already had the spots.
***
- What do you get when you cross a zebra and a sheep?
- A warm striped sweater.
***
- Why did the cavemen draw the mammoths on the walls?
- Because the mammoths could not do it, so the cavemen decided to help.
***
- How do you catch a catfish?
- Ask a dogfish for help.
***
- What is the difference between seven days and a grandmother with the flu?
- Seven days is a WEEK, and sick grandmother is WEAK.
***
- How to make a fruit punch?
- Make that fruit alive and give it some boxing lessons.
***
- How do you lift a dolphin with one hand?
- Forget it! You can never find a one-handed dolphin!
***
- All waiters like frogs more than flies.
- Why?
- First: frogs eat flies. Second: you would never hear: “Waiter, why do I have a frog in my soup?”
***
- Waiter, that’s embarrassing! Why do I have a frog in my soup?
- Sir, it’s a French restaurant, and you ordered a frog soup.
***
- How would you call a school bus for the sea creatures?
- The OCTO-BUS!
***
- Why do fish never play handball?
- They have no idea where they can get a ball.
***
- If we give a ball to the fish, can they play water polo?
- No, they are afraid of the nets.
***
- How do the little lions learn hunting?
- They hide near the road and wait until zebra is crossing it.
***
A tourist stopped a man carrying a football and asked him:
- How do I get to a Super Bowl?
- Practice!
***
- A polar bear opened a fast-food restaurant for the other polar bears on the North Pole?
- What kind of food do they serve there?
- Frozen sushi without rice and iceburgers.
***
- Why did the fisher use six hooks in the fishing line?
- For higher fishing eFISHancy!
***
Saint PIGTRICK’S Day is when the pigs paint their hooves and snouts green.
***
- What would you call an eight-day-old dog in Cuba?
- A puppy.
***
- What would you call an eight-months-old dog in Korea?
- A dinner.
***
- Why are flamingos pink?
- So you can distinguish them from crocodiles.
***
- Have you heard of a dancing rabbit?
- Yes, he was a hip-hopper.
***
- We are expecting a baby.
- When you say: "We are expecting a baby," it makes me think that there is more than one outcome. Kind of: "We are expecting a baby, but it could be a puppy or a dinosaur."
***
***
- What did the duck say when she crossed a big pond?
- It was a long swim!
- No, she did not say a word. Ducks don’t talk!
***
- Who is driving his customers away and is still doing his job great?
- A taxi driver.
***
- What is extremely heavy forward but not backward?
- TON.
***
- Where do people get cool music from?
- They put their radios in the fridge.
***
- There was one sailor who got kicked off the submarine?
- Why?
- Well, every time he went to sleep, he was opening the window.
***
- What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
- Every morning you'll rise and shine!
***
- Cinderella got kicked off the soccer school team.
- But why?
- She was a great goalkeeper. But when the clock struck twelve, she ran away from the ball.
***
- Why is the sea salty?
- Fish put salt into the sea to make it taste better. They tried to put pepper as well, but it made them sneeze.
***
When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the ABC. No one knew Y.
***
- Why don’t giraffes send their kids to Elementary School?
- Giraffes can only go to High School.
***
A computer geek is making an order in a French restaurant:
- Please close all of the windows and give me an apple pie a la modem.
***
- I purchased a green tomato a few days ago. Now I found it is red.
- Why?
- I kept it in the kitchen. Perhaps, it saw the salad dressing and turned red!
***
- What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
- You’ll get the dog that can catch mosquitos and lick you from the other room.
***
- Did you hear about a polite dinosaur?
- Pardonodactyl?
- No, it's a PleaseYOsaur.
***
- Something was wrong with that milk that I drank.
- Why do you think so?
- It's inside information.
***
- I want to calculate the seconds in the year.
- It's very easy. There are only 12 seconds in the year.
- Really? That's not possible!
- Count with me, then. The second of January, the second of February...
***
- Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
- Because then it would be a foot!
***
- The priest said Eve gave an Apple to Adam.
- I am wondering was it Apple Mac or Apple Watch?
***
- What concert costs 45 cents?
- 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
***
A phone call to the computer service.
- Help me, please. My computer has got a divorce virus!
- What? How do you know that!
- My motherboard is no longer talking to my data.
***
- Dad, what should I do if the computer is saying it cannot see my printer?
- You need to clean up your room, son. It's so messy! I cannot see your printer either.
***
- How many coins can you put in an empty piggy bank?
- Only one! After that, it’s not empty anymore!
***
- Son, did you pick up the phone? Who called?
- There was some guy with a prank.
- What did he say?
- He said: “It’s long-distance from New Zealand.” I said: “You are right, man,” and hung up.
***
- If the mountain is funny, what do you call it?
- HILL-ARIOUS!
***
- How do you call a cannibal who ate his father's sister?
- An aunt-eater.
***
- What is the scariest music for balloons?
- It’s POP music.
***
- What is the BP station?
- It’s the place where the bees go to pee.
***
- My dog doesn't have a nose.
- What? And how does he smell?
- Very bad!
***
- Honey, I came back from the beauty shop!
- Let me see... Oh, they have a day off, right?
***
- How do you make cold hard cash?
- Put your dollars and pennies into the freezer and wait for an hour.
***
***
- Mom, did you hear about Pencil-vania?
- It’s one of the fifty states.
- No, it’s the place where the pencils go on vacation.
***
- Knock! Knock!
- Who is there?
- Woooo!
- Wooooo who?
- It’s me. Are you crying there?
***
- How do you call the lawyer’s clothing?
- Lawsuit.
***
Aaron: “Hey Richard, if Olivia asks about me, I'm going to stand outside.”
(2 minutes later)
Olivia: “Where is Aaron?”
Richard: “Aaron is outstanding.”
***
Some people say money doesn’t grow on trees, and they are lying. Every bank that I know has got branches.
***
- Why don't elephants use the computer?
- They are afraid of the mouse.
***
- Why should you never accept candies from strangers?
- Because it might be past its sell-by date.
***
- My dog has fewer. What should I do?
- Give him some mustard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
***
- Leopards cannot hide.
- Why?
- They are always spotted!
***
- When do you stop at green and go at red?
- Ask someone who likes watermelons!
***
Grandson is asking his grandfather:
- Why are you bald? Where is your hair?
- I had an awesome hair before serving in Vietnam. That’s where I started losing it.
The next day the grandson is writing a history report at school: “During the war in Vietnam, my grandfather got his hair shot off by the enemy.”
***
One guy opened a restaurant called KARMA. There is no menu. Every client gets what he or she deserves.
***
- Why did the traffic light turn red?
- He is always shy. Imagine you would need to change on the main street!
***
- Do you even know who INVESTIGATOR is?
- I can guess it’s an alligator in a vest.
***
Son: “Why my voice is not as gruff as all men have?”
Mom: “Oh, dear, you are too young. Your voice will change as you grow up.”
Son: “Wow, that’s awesome! I hope to be like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and maybe I’ll even get German accent!”
***
- I used to be an origami teacher, and I hated my job.
- I bet there was too much paperwork!
***
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Pizza.
- Pizza who?
- Pizza very nice girl!
***
- What has no legs, one horn, and gives milk?
- It’s a milk truck.
***
- What has two wheels, eats grass, and gives milk?
- A cow on a scooter.
***
- A cowboy arrived in a small town on Sunday. The next morning he left on Sunday.
- Impossible!
- Well, his horse's name is Sunday!
***
- What word looks the same both upside down and backward?
- SWIMS.
***
The easiest thing in the world for me is sleeping. I can even do it with my eyes closed.
***
- Have you heard of the most popular dance in 1776?
- Yes, it’s called “Indepen-dance”!
***
- What is the favorite dinner of the giant sea monster?
- Whale-burger and a dozen of crispy ships.
***
- I hate microwaves!
- But why?
- When there are microwaves at the beach, I cannot go surfing.
***
- What do you call an insect without an eye?
- NSECT!
***
- Why could not two penguins get married?
- They couldn't break the ice.
***
- What is worse than meeting a black cat?
- Meeting an alligator of any color.
***
- What never asks questions and cannot even talk but receives a lot of answers?
- A microphone in your cell phone.
***
- Josh, so why did you swallow four quarters?
- Sir, my mom said these were my lunch money.
***
***
- I found ground beef in the field.
- Really?
- Yes, the cow was lying on the ground.
***
- If you make friends with a ghostYourbut he moves to the other state, how do you send him a holiday postcard?
- Take the postcard to the ghost office.
***
- What time is that when ten dogs are chasing two cats?
- It's ten after two.
***
- Why did the spider go to the library?
- He knew they have free WI-FI there, and he wanted to find out what is a website.
***
- What are you eating under there?
- Under where?
- Haha! You are eating underwear!
***
- What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a billion letters in it?
- Post Office!
***
- What is the difference between zebras and onions?
- Zebras don't make you cry.
***
- How many chickens do you need to make a chicken broth?
- Not sure. But I don't think chickens can cook.
***
Winnie the Pooh and Tigger walk into the store. Tigger lies down the floor, and Winnie the Pooh comes to the storekeeper and tells him:
- Please, give something to drink to my friend.
One of the customers looks on the floor and says:
- Oh, what is this lying on the floor?
Tigger replies:
- Hey silly! Don't you see I am not a lion, I am a tiger?
***
- Mooo! Don't be afraid of the cow madness!
- I am not afraid.
- Why?
- I am a talking parrot.
***
- What can you find in the middle of something?
- 'T' letter.
***
- What is the best thing to put into ice cream?
- Your tongue.
***
- Why cannot you hear penguins use the bathroom?
- The P is silent.
***
- What is as big as a spaceship, but weighs nothing?
- Its reflection.
***
The boy came to the Nike store. His father gave him the money to buy new sneakers.
- Hi Miss, I need Nike Air sneakers.
- Okay, what is your size?
- It's 7.
- I only have size 10 and 11. You can take 10.
- But my size is 7.
- No problem, I will give you extra-large scissors, and you make it smaller.
***
- Why the school principal looks so nervous?
- There are too many rulers in school.
***
- Recently one of my friends went on vacation to New Zealand. He took math book and solved 100 problems while on the plane.
- Why would he solve math problems on the plane?
- He said he wanted to have higher education.
***
- What do you call a pizza for a puppy?
- Puppironi.
***
- What has a long neck, yellow and orange and lives in savannah?
- Giraffe?
- No, lion.
- But you said it has a long neck!
- I lied about the neck.
***
- What is the difference between a wolf and a flea?
- The wolf howls on the prairie. And the flea prowls on the hairy.
***
Two fishes are on the grill. One of them says: "Oh! It's so hot!" Another one: "Gosh, it's a talking dead fish!"
***
- How can the octopus call his wife when she is away?
- With a shell-phone.
***
- Knock-knock.
- Who’s there?
- Barbie.
- Barbie who?
- Barbie Q. Let's go outside and make a BBQ!
***
- What has wool like a sheep, and says "Baaa" like a sheep, but is not a sheep.
- A lamb.
***
- What do you call a huge green monster wearing yellow earmuffs?
- Anything you like. He won't hear you anyway!
***
Kangaroo wanted to dance with zebra.
- Sorry, kangaroo. I am not a good dancer.
- Why?
- I have two left feet.
***
- Knock-knock.
- Who’s there?
- Dog says.
- Dog says who?
- No, you silly boy. Dog says woof!
***
- Why did the laptop go to the beach?
- He wanted to surf the Internet.
***
- Why did the old lady take one-half of her umbrella?
- Because the forecast stated, there would be 50% chances of rain.
***
- What to do if my dog swallowed my cell phone?
- Ask your Mom to buy a new cell phone, or use a landline.
***
***
- Why you won't find a fish with the flu?
- They take a lot of Vitamin Sea.
***
- How do you make goldhamster old?
- Wait for a few years?
- No, take away the "G" letter.
***
- Why did the elephant eat the light bulbs?
- He said he wanted to have a light breakfast.
***
- What's very tasty and sounds like a tie?
- A pie.
***
- What time is it when your sunglasses fell, and you stepped on it?
- Time to buy new sunglasses.
***
- What did the sardine call the submarine?
- A can of human beings.
***
- Michael said you have a new joke about pizza.
- Yes, do you want to hear it?
- No, Michael said it was too cheesy.
***
- Mom, I can make a butterfly.
- How?
- If I throw the butter out of the window.
***
- What happens when the ant gets injured?
- The other ants call the ANT-BULANCE.
***
- Where do the books sleep at night?
- Under the covers.
***
- What happens if you travel with your dog in the Sahara desert and you don't put your dog in the shade.
- Your dog may turn into a hot dog.
***
- Did Noah fish while on the arc?
- He was thinking about it. But then he realized they only have two worms.
***
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
***
- How do you make a small earthquake in the Zoo?
- Throw a dozen of mice into the elephants' cage.
***
- Is this fish soup good?
- It's good unless you are a fish.
***
- What do you call a polar bear in the Sahara Desert?
- Lost.
***
Two horses stand in the stable and talk to each other.
- Neigh!
- Cock-a-doodle-doo!
- Why did you say "Cock-a-doodle-doo"?
- Oh, I'm just learning foreign languages.
***
- Why is the duck braver than a hen?
- Because the duck is not a chicken.
***
- S and H are two letters that cannot talk.
- Why?
- When people see them together, they say "SH!"
***
- I cannot believe you can walk through the walls!
- Yes, I can! But only through the walls that have doors.
***
- Where were the dinosaurs buying clothes in the Jurassic period, if malls have not existed yet?
- They had to go to the DINO-SEWER.
***
- Hi, do you have alligator shoes?
- Yes, sir. What's the size of your alligator's foot?”
***
- Why does the tiger wear a striped fur coat?
- He loves his pink ski jacket, but he looks silly wearing it.
***
- Have you heard the joke about electricity, Australia, and a polar bear?
- No.
- That's because this joke hasn't been made up yet.
***
A man walks into the library and asks the librarian loudly:
- I would like to have pizza, extra cheese, French fries, and a medium soda.
- Sir, this is a library!
- (quietly)... Oh, sorry! (nearly whispers) Can I have pizza, extra cheese, French fries, and a medium soda?
***
- Do egoistic people like Thanksgiving.
- They do. But they call it Thanks-taking.
***
Teacher: "The shortest month is February."
Student: "I am sorry, Miss. The shortest month is May. It only has got three letters."
***
- Why you never can see a snake wearing a suit?
- Snakes prefer to be sNaked.
***
- Egyptian Pharaohs were very confused.
- Why?
- They found out their daddies were mummies.
***
- Despite the traffic jams, the barber is never late for work. Why?
- He knows a short cut.
***
***
- My father's best friend is a soccer referee.
- I hope he doesn't bring his whistle when he comes to visit you.
- No, he doesn't. But every holiday he sends us greetings on the yellow and red cards.
***
- I saw our school team's quarterback yelling to the soda machine.
- What did the quarterback yell?
- Gimme my quarter back!
***
- Aaron, why all I say to you gets in one ear and out the other?
- Maybe it's because of my anatomy. I have got two ears.
***
- What did the hedgehog say when he came to the cactus field?
- I never knew my family was that big!
***
- Why do the animals in the wood eat raw food?
- They have no cookbooks out there.
***
- What did volcano say to his girlfriend?
- I am going to give you all my lava!
***
- Where can you always find a dinosaur?
- In the dictionary.
***
- Do the monsters brush their teeth?
- Yes, they hate to have BAT breath!
***
- My cat is a genius!
- Why?
- He solved the math problem. I asked him what if I buy four bananas, and I eat one, give one to my wife, and give one banana to each of my two kids. So what will I have left? He said nothing!
***
- Why are penguins cheap to keep as pets?
- They live on ice.
***
- Which side of the duck has the most feathers?
- The outside.
***
- What is the difference between guitar and piano?
- Try picking them up!
***
- When is the moon about to go broke?
- When it's down to its last quarter.
***
- What is the capital of ?
- F.
***
- What happens when you cross a ghost with Bambi?
- Bam-boo!
***
- Why cannot the scooter stand up by himself?
- Because it's not alive?
- No, because it's two-tired.
***
- What do koalas order at McDonald's?
- Coca-Koala.
***
- What happens if you release aquarium fish in the ocean?
- It gets wet.
***
Two fishes are sitting in the tank, and one of them says:
- Okay, dude. Today I drive, and you shoot.
***
- Do you know a dirty joke about the white cat?
- The White cat fell in the mud!
***
Baby-snake is asking her Mom:
- Are we poisonous?
- Yes, honey, why are you asking?
- I have just bit my tongue.
***
- What can bring you anywhere in the world, but never moves?
- The road.
***
- How do you know where the head of the worm is?
- Tickle it and listen which end of the worm is laughing.
***
A baby bear met a baby monkey for the first time in her life and grabbed it by the tail.
Baby bear asked: "What is it?"
Baby monkey replied: "It's the end of me."
***
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- She needed to get to the other side.
***
- Why did the rooster cross the road?
- So that no one thinks he is a chicken.
***
- Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
- It was stuck on the rooster's foot.
***
- Why didn't mammoth cross the road?
- There were no roads during the Ice Age.
***
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a worm?
- Huge holes near your house every time it rains.
***
- What is green and has big teeth?
- Crocodile.
- Right. What is white and has big teeth?
- White shark?
- No, a frozen crocodile.
- Why is it frozen?
- It's on the North Pole.
***
***
Mother Monster is asking her Son Monster:
- Why won’t you go and play basketball with your little sister?
- Mom, I’d rather play with a real basketball.
***
- Doctor, doctor! My sister thinks she is a school bus.
- Can you bring her here, please?
- I can’t. She is waiting in the parking lot near the school, and I cannot move her.
- Ok, bring her here when the studies are over.
***
- Doctor, doctor! My sister still thinks she is a school bus.
- Did you bring her with you?
- I tried, but she got stuck in the doorway, and she is saying she ran out of gas.
***
- Did you hear the piglet’s mom does not allow her to read romantic novels?
- Why?
- She thinks otherwise her piglet may run away with a wolf.
***
- A crocodile was asked to wake everyone up instead of a rooster when the rooster got sick. What did the crocodile say?
- Croco-doodle-dooooo!
***
Elephant-kid is getting ready for school. His Mom checks the weather forecast and says:
- Hey boy, it will be raining later today. Don’t forget your UMBRELLAPHANT!
***
- Why isn’t there a Super Pig?
- None of the pigs can change clothes in a telephone booth.
***
- What has four legs but cannot walk?
- A chair.
***
- What has four legs and two eyes but cannot walk?
- A fish in a tank on the chair.
***
Two pigs were in love. What did one of them say to another one on February 14th?
- Will you be my VALENSWINE?
***
- I've recently found out that you need to have a license for a dog.
- Really? I was going to get a cat. Will I need a license as well?
- No, not for a cat. Cats do not drive.
***
- What is the difference between a butterfly and a piece of paper?
- You cannot make origami out of a butterfly.
***
Two balloons are floating across the Sahara desert. One of them says:
- What is your least favorite plant?
- Cactussssssssssssssssss…
***
- Do you know who a STINKASAURUS is?
- A stinky dinosaur?
- No, it’s a skunk riding a dinosaur.
***
- What lives in savanna, weighs 20 tons, has six fuzzy ears, and is 95 million
years old?
- Three rabbits riding a Savannasaurus.
***
- I had to take my cat to the vet after the olives hit him.
- Why?
- Those were canned olives.
***
- How can a soccer team never concede a goal?
- They should make an elephant their goalkeeper.
***
- How do you get a horse into a closet?
- Get the clothes out of the closet and put the horse inside.
***
- How do you get a wolf into a closet?
- Get the clothes out and put the wolf inside?
- No, you need to take the horse out first. The horse won’t sit there with a wolf.
***
- We all know goldfish has a very short memory. What do we get if we cross a goldfish and a rabbit?
- A gray fish with long ears and average memory. And it will never forget to eat its carrots.
***
- The pig has written a book and sent it to the publisher. The reviewer criticized it, but the pig was happy to hear his words.
- Why?
- He said the book was garbage!
***
- What kind of animals can live in a refrigerator?
- Cold ones.
***
- I don't like your Grandfather.
- Me neither. He spent 30 years in the nuthouse.
- 30 years! And they let him go? He must have been very sick!
- No, he used to be a doctor there.
***
- What has a crazy rabbit in common with a counterfeit banknote?
- They sound similarly: mad bunny and bad money!
***
- Son, did you like that Kinder Egg we gave you yesterday?
- The chocolate was great, but the shell was a little bit hard.
***
- What do young monsters eat at school for lunch?
- Boiled legs, human beans, and eyes cream.
***
- Where does King Kong sleep?
- Wherever he wants.
***
- Michael, I cannot find my birthday cake.
- Too bad, because it was good. Oops!
***
- All dinosaurs were hipsters.
- Why?
- They lived on the Earth before it was cool.
***
Halloween party. The boy walks in with a pillowcase on his head. The friends ask him:
- Are you a ghost?
- No.
- A bank robber? A zombie?
- No, I am an unmade bed!
***
***
- What should you say to a crazy boar when you see him driving a sports car?
- Say nothing. Just get out of the way!
***
- What do you call a pig that got away from you on the helicopter?
- Swine flu!
***
- What did the pig say when it noticed a fly in its porridge?
- I’ve got some porridge and meat today! Yummy!
***
In pig school, the teacher asks:
- Piglets, what do you want to be when you grow up?
- Garbage collectors!
***
- How do you get straight A’s?
- All you need is a pen, a piece of paper, and a ruler.
***
- What did the carpet say to the floor?
- I’ve got you covered!
***
The elephant walks into Wal-Mart and says:
- It’s getting cold. Do you guys sell ELE-PANTS?
***
- What has got a very long neck and jumps every 30 seconds?
- A giraffe with a hiccup.
***
- My dog is very good at playing football.
- What is his breed?
- A golden receiver.
***
- What dog can never get lost at night?
- A glowberman pinscher.
***
- My bunnies are great bedtime storytellers!
- Really?
- Yes, they have very short and nice tales.
***
- What is brown and sounds like a bell?
- Dung!
***
- What is an example of a nervous breakdown?
- It’s a chameleon running on a long khaki fabric.
***
- What is your dog's most favorite meat?
- Any meat you would give him.
***
- How do you get a horse out of a small room on the twentieth floor?
- The same way it’s got into it.
***
- Why was the dog afraid of the sunny weather?
- It thought the sun might turn it into a hot dog.
***
- Why was the chicken afraid of the sunny weather?
- It thought the sun might turn it into KFC’s Chicken on the Bone.
***
- Knock-knock.
- Who’s there?
- Mary C. and H. N. Y.
- Mary who and what?
- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
***
- How does Santa call his photo camera?
- North Pole-aroid.
- And his mobile operating system?
- North Pole-android.
***
- What is the name of Santa’s wife?
- Mary Christmas!
***
- Who has got pointed ears, golden hair, and wears glass shoes?
- Cinder-elf.
***
- What is the best Christmas present for mummies?
- A new Christmas wrapping.
***
Mom: “Emma, how was your day?”
Emma: “It was cool! Daddy took me to the Zoo, and we saw a Christmas tree coming out of a chicken!”
Mom: “What?”
Dad: “Honey, Emma saw a peacock showing off its plumage.”
***
Adam comes to his wife one day before Christmas and tells her: "Merry Christmas, Eve."
***
- What do you call an old snowman?
- Water!
***
The rabbit comes by the snowman and asks him:
- Can you smell carrot?
***
- I saw Santa Claus in the garden!
- Yes, me too! He was like, “hoe, hoe, hoe!”
***
- What is Claustrophobia?
- It’s when you are afraid of Santa Claus!
***
December is speaking to the other months:
- I have something none of you have!
- Christmas?
- No, the letter 'D'!
***
- How do you make my favorite school teacher laugh?
- Try to tickle him.
- I don’t think it’s appropriate.
- Okay! Tell him one of the previous 299 best jokes! :)
***
REVIEWS
Your reviews are extremely important!
If you have enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a short review on the book’s web page. It will help others to make an informed decision before buying my book. THANK YOU for your !
Related Documents c2h70
300 Clean Jokes For Kids 22192t
July 2020 0
Clean House With Kids 2m1p5d
July 2020 0
Easy Spanish Jokes For Kids 2 6ye43
May 2023 0
Super Duper Knock-knock Jokes For Kids 63504i
July 2020 0
101 Knock Knock Jokes For Kids! 3y44
October 2021 0
777 Great Clean Jokes - Jennifer Hahn 203927
December 2021 0More Documents from "Margherita Latson" 32au
Thistle Dew 56194u
September 2021 0
Le Isole Di Sabbia 5w3039
October 2021 0
The Disastrous Climatic Change 6n1g6n
September 2021 0
300 Clean Jokes For Kids 22192t
July 2020 0
Torba Na Laptopa 3o6a1i
October 2021 0