Free At Last 1i1016

Free at Last

Maile Lani

Copyright © 2017 by Maile Lani.

ISBN: Softcover 978-1-5434-1029-7 eBook 978-1-5434-1028-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

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Rev. date: 03/28/2017

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Contents

Dedication

Molestation

Gang Raped

My First Spiritual Encounter

The Hacienda

Backslidden 7 Times Worse

Prostitution

Desperate To Be Loved

My Salvation

Barcelona

Dan

Obedience

My Roots

Deliverance

Prayer To Shatter Strongholds On Yourself

Freedom Prayer

Restoration

Know His Voice

I Am In Christ Affirmations

Dedication

To my siblings and my children. Through our parents’ divorce and death of our mother. Through all the Pain we endured in our lives, I know God had a purpose and a plan for us. I Love you all.

To my husband, thank you for obeying the Lord. There are no words to express my love and gratitude to you. I know we will have NO REGRETS in our life together. I love you Babe.

To my Savior Jesus Christ, Thank you for your Love Mercy and Grace.

Molestation

As beautiful as the Hawaiian Islands were, I hated it and no longer wanted to be there. The place I once loved had suddenly become a personal prison to this 10year old little girl. My dad a handsome charismatic Marine. My mother, the disciplinarian who kept our home immaculate and beautiful, was quite the seamstress that took pride in making my clothes. She made sure that our birthdays, family vacations, and holidays were always well planned.

I feeling loved and protected by my parents. The Marine Corps life was good. We lived on the Marine Corps base in California when my parents divorced. Mom relocated us back to her homeland Hawaii where we moved in with family. Mom and five of us kids sharing a room with my cousin, who did not want us there. It was then that my life was changed forever.

I began to experience emotions I never knew existed. The pain of rejection that my dad didn’t love me enough to stay with me. Fear of not knowing what was going to happen to us. The worst were the nights my uncle would come into our room while my mother worked nights.

He’d pick me up and take me to his room to play out his sexual pleasures. That memory brings back the smell of beer on his breath and the greasy pomade he wore in his hair. I felt so confused, afraid and ugly as he pressed his body against mine. I felt dirty as he removed my pajamas and touched my private parts. I was terrified, I wanted my daddy to rescue me, I cried out for my mama, and he covered my mouth and told me to shut up. I didn’t understand why he was doing this to me, I was paralyzed in fear.

He told me that if I told anyone about our secret he would throw my mom and all of us kids out in the streets. He convinced me that my dad didn’t love or want us. This was so devastating. In one moment, he had taken my innocent little heart and shattered it into a thousand broken pieces.

I had learned to shut down my feelings and emotions. Everything good in me along with that little girl that was once full of life had died. From that moment, my childhood was stolen from me. My sense of security, safety and protection had vanished. I had to learn to be a survivor. I could not trust anyone to love or take care of me anymore. I was confused with my emotions and feelings, and the more he did this to me the more I became numb, and lost my identity.

I had become a slave to a twisted and perverted kind of affection and mindset. I had accepted the belief that I was nothing but sexual merchandise. I was so ashamed and felt trapped and alone. I couldn’t tell anybody what he was doing to me because he told me they wouldn’t believe me, and he’d put my mom and all of us kids out in the streets. So I never told anyone.

Gang Raped

We left the Islands and found ourselves living in the projects in California. By thirteen years old I was drinking and using drugs, trying to numb the painful memories of Hawaii and the way I felt about myself. Living in the projects taught me to be a survivor and a fighter. Growing up with Blacks and Mexicans, I was Embarrassed of my Hawaiian/Caucasian race, everyone thought I was a Chicana (Mexican). My identity was lost trying to fit in and belong.

My parents’ divorce put many responsibilities on me at a young age, having to cook, clean, and take care of my siblings. Missing out on what a normal young girl’s life should have been. Going to school was just a way to get out of the house. Every chance I got I would sneak out at night and party. Getting home before my mom would wake up to go to work in the morning.

There were many times I found myself getting high and waking up half naked at a park in the Harbor area not ing who I was with, yet knowing I had been raped. My home girls and I loved going to a dance hall at the Pike. A place to meet guys.

At sixteen years old a homegirl and I ended up going with them to their neighborhood and partying in a hotel room. By the time, I woke up the next day, I was naked in a bed with blood stained sheets, hurting so bad and could barely walk. I knew I had been gang raped. I being scared to go home, so we didn’t.

We ran the streets for three months partying and taking drugs. We ended up in barrio. This time I was gang raped by three guys. Each time a different guy got

on top of me, I vowed in my heart I would hurt every man that I could. I ended up leaving this place with a guy from White Fence. He took me to his mom’s house, where I finally had a place to stay for a while and could eat, bathe and sleep. As good as that sounds, it came with a price. He abused me daily, sexually, physically and emotionally.

That lifestyle had become the norm to me, surrendering to every ugly act of sex. I was stuck and didn’t know how to get out. He took me to an abandoned garage and tied me down to a filthy mattress. When he was through with me, he called his homeboys to enjoy the rest of me. It seemed like days. I wished I were dead as they sexually assaulted me, kicked and spit on me when they finished.

Once again, I vowed in my heart if I lived through this, I would spend my life hurting men. There was so much hatred inside me, building up, as they did all the filthy inhumane things to me. Leaving me feeling like a lifeless dog. Hopeless with no desire to live. He told me to get in the van with his friend and to do whatever he tells me to, so I did. I had become a slave to men. Not having a voice or unable to say anything, I got in the van and it turned out to be three days of horrific sexual abuse and beatings chained to the back of his van. I believed this man would kill me and dump my body off somewhere I was hoping that he would.

He only let me out of the van to shower and use the bathroom at a beach. He would back his van up close to the bathroom at night so I couldn’t run or scream for help. I didn’t know if it was day or night because there were no windows in the back of the van and he had a curtain made of a blanket where I couldn’t see out of the front window. He would drive for a couple of hours leave the van then come back a few hours later to continue assaulting me. I was so ashamed of what I’d been through and what I’ve become. There was no strength in me to fight this man or to even ask the God I learned about as a little girl to help me.

Rape destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. It reinforced all the negative

feelings I had of myself and destroyed all the positive ones. It crippled my abilities to trust, it erased the security I had in my father or family that were put in my life to protect me. I didn’t value my life, or even think I deserved better. That’s why I always found myself in dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships with abusive men; Self-hatred manifested and was expressed in many hazardous ways. Sexual promiscuity, eating disorders, drug addiction, anger, violence and crime.

This subject of Sexual abuse whether its molestation or rape make people uncomfortable, especially in the church. I believe it’s a tool of the enemy to keep the church ignorant or silent on being educated on this subject. I also believe many Christian leaders have fallen because they had never dealt with these shameful issues. Especially men that have fallen victim to it.

Many Christians are stuck and cannot grow any further, so they live in Fear, Sickness, and Poverty always struggling in and out of church, on fire for God and then they’re backslidden. Never reaching their full potential in Christ or living out the abundant life the Lord has for us. We see the body of Christ sick and crippled, Jesus said I come to give you Life, Life abundantly. John 10:10

Out of many dysfunctional relationships I had with men, One I recall was probably the worst. I met this guy right after he was released from prison. The four months I was with him were out of fear. In the beginning, he was nice and acted like a gentleman, then later he became controlling and insanely jealous of me, even with my two-year-old son.

We stayed at his mom’s house and lived up on the top floor, I was vacuuming the bed room one morning when I heard my little boy screaming as he tumbled down two flights of stairs, with this guy standing at the top of the stairs looking down at him.

Another time he had my son in the swimming pool, as I walked away to get something I came back to find him trying to drown my little boy, I jumped in the pool to get my son and the guy says I’m trying to teach him to swim, I knew better.

We had an apartment where he was dealing heroin out of. Whenever his customers came over he would lock me in the room, one night he took my son outside to get him an ice cream. When he returned, I could tell my son had been crying, I grabbed him and went to the room. I could feel his pant leg was wet then I noticed it was blood as I pulled my sons pants off he had a fresh cut on his leg about five inches long. I screamed and grabbed a bag to put our clothes in, he came in the room and threatened if I ever tried to leave him he would rape and torture my mother sisters and my son. He then tore up all my clothes so I couldn’t leave the apartment. A few days later he was arrested and that’s when I made my escape.

I figured he’d be locked up for a while. He was released a few days later and found me at my mother’s home hiding in a closet with my son. He pulled me out by my hair and raped me in front of my little boy. After he was done he told me to get my things and he’d be back for me, he left and got busted for armed robbery and has been in prison over forty years.

I truly understand when a woman stays with a man out of fear. My son was raised by his grandparents and had a few problems as a youth. He had to go to Anger Management classes to deal with all the anger and rage from his childhood.

Today my son is an amazing hard working husband and father, and he’s forgiven me for my past. He was dealt a bad hand in life and has had to overcome a lot of challenges that was dealt to him. His father died of a heroin overdose when he was a few months old, then I selfishly abandoned him to run after heroin to erase the pain of his father’s death and the pain of my childhood that never stopped

haunting me. He has seen and gone through things no child should ever have to experience. I’m so proud of the decent human being that he has become. It has taken years to overcome the guilt I carried for what my son has had to go through in his life. I had to forgive myself for not being able to protect him from those that harmed him. I had to FORGIVE myself for not being or giving him the LOVE, PROTECTION and SECURITY every child needs. I had to FORGIVE those that harmed my son.

I have learned that not to forgive hurts you more, even health wise. The word of God says “Unforgivers will not inherit the Kingdom of God” It doesn’t take a rocket science to figure out what that means. Sometimes I see that I have had bitterness, anger or resentment, grudges, wrong attitudes thoughts and feelings that were just not right, these are the signs of unforgiveness 1Cor:13 reveals to us the standard we are to have in our heart Gods LOVE. I didn’t know how I could ever love or forgive those that harmed my son or all the men that used and abused me. Today I have learned and know the Power of FORGIVENESS.

(Prayer) Father I forgive all the men that harmed me and my son, I forgive my uncle that molested me, all the men that gang raped me, I forgive all the men that physically and emotionally abused me and my son. In Jesus name.

My First Spiritual Encounter

I had to make twenty more dollars to score some dope, I rarely hustled in this part of town but the best dope was at the apartments close by. I wanted to get a good high before heading out to the Blvd, it was always easier for me to turn tricks when I was high. I hated these men and would fantasize how I would love to torture them, as they used me for their satisfaction. The weekends were always the best to make money and we took advantage of those tricks that were looking for a good time.

From afar off I could hear music and someone shouting through a bull horn “Jesus loves the drug addict,” “Jesus loves the gang member,” and “Jesus loves the prostitute”. Those words sparked a curiosity inside me to go closer to where they were, but I knew I had to get one more trick so I could score some heroin.

I did my thing (had sex) with the trick then had him drive me to the connections. Entering the apartments was a store front on the right side where the people were gathered around having a rally with ex drug addicts sharing their testimonies of how Jesus set them free, and it was there where I had met an elderly couple who had a ministry for Addicts to come to Christ, a men’s rehabilitation home.

I went to the connections pad, scored (bought) my drugs then went inside a wash room next to the apartments where I had an outfit (syringe) stashed (hidden) behind a washing machine. The heroin was good it was the black tar that was coming in from Mexico the best on the streets. Back in those days, the dope dealers didn’t sell to just anyone, you had to be well known as a solid person with respect that didn’t show any weakness and most of all didn’t talk to the police. Some dope fiends ed their habit by picking up for people or pimping their outfits. That was not my style. I look back now and see that the hustling, getting over the cops, and getting away with all the crime was a big

part of that fast life. I loved that adrenaline, it was another type of high.

It was Friday night, and I knew the tricks were up and down the Blvd looking for girls to have a good time, I hated these guys and it took everything in me to act like I enjoyed being with them. I’d much rather been with my Homeboy pulling some burglaries or robberies in the richer areas along the coast in SoCal but he just got picked up for a violation on his parole. I always preferred running with guys, there were only a few girls I trusted out there.

Going back out to the main street, I had to by that group of Christians that were having a street rally. I always knew there was a God. As a little girl, our summer vacations were spent with my Dad’s family on a farm in Mississippi. His family were Holiness Pentecostals. I would always be in awe watching my Aunt and grandmother when they pulled the pins out of their buns and their hair would fall past their knees. I loved our summers there, it was like being in another world. My grandpa had cotton fields and watermelon patches. My cousins thought it was funny that I loved to shell butter beans and pick cotton with the hired help. We’d go to church every night and revival would last for months.

I was drawn to this crowd of people as I ed by, it was like a magnet pulling me to them, no matter how hard I tried to go the opposite direction I found myself up at the front where a little elderly lady with a tambourine, who reminded me of my grandmother in Mississippi, was being moved by the spirit. I could see it all over her; I was drawn to her and wanted what she had.

She put her hand on me and right there on the streets in my sinful condition I felt the POWER of the HOLY GHOST all over me. I began speaking in that heavenly language, with my hands raised up and tears flowing down my face. I wanted to stay in that presence and close to this woman if I could.

After the Rally, they invited me and a few others to the apartment building where their ministry for the Addicts was. They had a table set with a big platter of Mexican sweet breads to serve with fresh hot coffee. I couldn’t believe where I was at and who I was with. I didn’t want to leave this place nor this little woman that made such a strong impression on me, yet she spoke very few words. She was a mother to all the men in the home and everyone loved her.

Her husband the home director wore a black patch over his eye, he spoke very stern and caught me as a no-nonsense kind of man, but I would always see the joy in his eyes when he looked at his wife and the gentleness in him that his granddaughter always brought out of him. The home directors head staff was giving us the information we needed for prayer and Bible study times, and taking our phone numbers. It was getting late and a lot of the people that came from the rally lived there in the apartments except me. I hadn’t been home in a couple of weeks, my mom was use to me going and coming days’ weeks even months at a time. When they asked me if I needed a ride home they took me to my mom’s house. I knew they would all be asleep as we pulled up to my mom’s house so I went in through my bedroom window.

Thinking over all that had happened this evening as I was lying in my bed I wanted to feel that presence of the Holy Spirit again. I began talking to him and asking him to come back to me. I began weeping and repenting of my sins and thanking him for showing himself to me. As I wept I felt him come on me again as my lips were stammering to where I couldn’t make sense of the words coming out, I just wanted to go deeper in the spirit with him. It felt like I spoke in tongues all night long till I finally fell asleep.

I was woken by my son poking my eyes and kissing my face. My son loved me so much, yet my addiction and pain overrode those that loved and needed me more. My little sisters raised him till our mother died she was forty-two years old. Her cause of death was from many hard blows to her head that caused an aneurysm from her abusive boyfriend.

My son was three or four years old at the time. My mother worked at the welfare office, she went to school at night and worked hard to get us out of the projects. She didn’t want my three younger siblings turning out like us three older ones that were involved in drugs and gangs.

My mom’s mother died giving birth to her, so she was raised by her father and an older sister. The only time she really showed us kids affection was when she had a few drinks. Her way of love was providing a home for us, but I knew she loved us in the only way she knew how to show us. I understand now my mother’s pain, and could only imagine what she may have gone through growing up.

I got up that morning after everyone left, showered and couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened to me. My intentions were to hitch hike to the Addicts for Christ home for their bible study. But I started feeling sick and I needed a fix, I was a notorious thief and loved fashion, so I always had tons of new clothes with price tags still on them. I took some to my Fence (a person that buys stolen merchandise) sold them for fifty dollars then headed to the connections (drug dealer) and just slammed (injected) enough to be well.

I wanted to go back to the Addicts Rehab home. I wanted to be around that little elderly woman and I wanted to hear the men’s home praying and the gospel music playing on the record player. I hitched hiked back to the home to find the home directors wife in the kitchen cooking. I immediately rolled up my sleeves and started helping her. I’ve never been afraid of any kind of work.

It was those times I spent with this precious lady in the kitchen cooking that I valued and looked forward to. I didn’t know it at the time but she was discipling me. She taught me to pray and to always trust God. She would share with me about God’s faithfulness and his promises.

She was a quite humble servant and at her age was raising her granddaughter, I don’t know how she did it because that little girl had a lot of energy. Those next three months attending their bible studies and prayer meetings, I was still shooting up heroin on the side just enough to be well. I knew she could smell the cigarette smoke on my clothes and breath Yet she never said a word because she was praying for me.

Eventually my mom and sister started coming to the bible studies and prayer meetings when they saw a change in me. My homeboy also went into the men’s home, by then I was shooting up so little that it only took me a couple days to kick completely. There was a Brother that started doing PR work for the home getting donations and any help he could for them. He also started taking another brother and myself from the home to the other ministries to share our testimonies. One day I received a warrant in the mail saying I had to pay restitution for a check that I had stolen or I’d be arrested if I didn’t pay for it. They took me to see A well-known pastor with a very large church that could help me. We arrived at the church and walked in his office. They asked me to share my testimony with the Pastor, next thing I knew he wrote a check out to pay my restitution so I didn’t have to go to jail. I started helping the elderly lady more at the home cooking meals for the men. I even volunteered in their sons ministry where they helped people in Mexico. Their sons wife was a white woman who had a burden for the Hispanic people. I was in awe of this woman, an ex-drug addict that spoke fluent Spanish and was always under her desk praying and weeping whenever a burden came over her while working in the office. Whatever help they needed, even at their second-hand store, I was available to help them.

The ministry was in one of the most drug infested areas. So, it was HOT. The PLACAS (police) were everywhere, I ended up getting busted for an old warrant I didn’t even I had because it was so petty. All I thought of was this would be the first time I’d be in booking and not be sick, because I wasn’t using.

As soon as I drove up I saw some Homies that were working as trusties on the

first floor, they asked me if I needed any smokes and said they would have my bed roll ready for me. I heard the Holy Spirit say “Tell them what I’ve done for you” and tell them that I love them. I tried to ignore the Holy Spirit but he wouldn’t stop. Next thing I knew there was three girls in the corner of the holding tank talking about Jesus, they were praying and singing. I thought I was losing my mind. The Holy Spirit told me to go sit with them and tell them what I’ve done in your life. I kept telling the Holy Spirit, no leave me alone I was ashamed to tell anyone especially my homies, that was like showing weakness and I couldn’t show any weakness.

It was in that very moment that I opened myself up to the demonic forces that ruled in that County Jail. I was in their territory and they let me know it. I finally got booked in and sent upstairs, it was about three in the morning. Everyone was asleep except a couple girls that couldn’t sleep because they would be going to court in the morning. I didn’t know them they weren’t “REGULARS” so I didn’t even talk to them.

I don’t know how long I was asleep but I woke up on the floor lying on my back with those two girls standing over me checking to see if I was ok. They were both a bit shaken and nervously told me that my body had levitated up from my bed in the air then dropped on the concrete floor. I should have injured my head but I felt fine and thought they were crazy, so I just got back up and went to sleep. I was too exhausted to talk to anyone.

The next day while everyone went to breakfast, I stayed back to sleep in. When I finally got up to go shower as I was undressing I saw teeth mark bites on the inner parts of my upper legs. I couldn’t imagine how that happened. I that I fell on the floor on my back so if I had bruises they should have been on the back of my legs, but these were on the inside, they looked like bruised teeth marks on my legs. As the day progressed I began to feel strange. The thoughts in my mind were evil ugly filthy thoughts; ugly feelings were coming inside me.

I began to think of what it would be like to murder someone or even commit suicide. It was getting worse; I thought I was losing my mind. Then I realized something evil had come into me and now there was a battle going on inside of me.

I understand now, because of the type of person I am, I hated any sign of weakness. Because of that character in me, those demons could not take me down, I fought them. I refused to let them drive me crazy. I knew I was in Satan’s territory.

I heard my name called that I had a visit. I went down there to find the assistant men’s home director and as soon as he saw me he knew what was wrong. I purposely lit a cigarette in front of him and blew it in his face, it was like the demons laughing at him and saying we got her back. It was like I had two personalities. I was Maile, and then I was being controlled by the demons. I knew exactly what was going on, then sometimes I would be ok for ten or twenty minutes then the demons would start manifesting again. I was so weary and exhausted physically and emotionally, they were taking a toll on me.

Our visit ended then I was released the next day. Walking out of Sally Port that next evening, a few people from the church were waiting for me. My intentions were to go down Fourth Street to get high, but since they got me out I felt obligated to go with them. They wanted me to go with them to a church downtown that was having revival services. I went with them to this large church in the middle of downtown not far from the OC Jail we had visited there often to hear popular Christian bands that we enjoyed.

Immediately as I entered the building I started getting restless, I couldn’t stay still in my seat. Finally, the minister got up and his sermon was about Demon possession. The voices started saying “get out of here, run out, get away from these people”. A part of me understood what was happening and I wanted them to leave me alone, I wanted help but they were over powering me.

Next thing I knew I was running out of the church and a few of the ministers came after me, then the cops saw all of us running and recognized me. They put on their red lights, I stopped and the ministers caught up to me. The ministers told the officers that they were trying to help me; the demons started manifesting in front of the officers. I became very violent, so they called an ambulance to take me to Norwalk Mental Hospital.

I was put in a straightjacket when I arrived. The ministers told the Resident on duty that it was a spiritual problem and I needed to be taken to a place where the demons could be cast out. The doctor was a Christian and understood everything they were saying, but said by law that I needed to be under observation for 24 hours in a rubber room before they could release me. So, for the next 24 hours, in a strait jacket, sitting in that rubber room the demons were tormenting me. I felt like I was going crazy. I was released the next day and had to wait a few days before I could get into The Hacienda a Christian Rehab home for women.

For the next three days, I battled the demons. My mom would hear strange noises coming from my room and she would come in and find me pounding my head against the wall. The following night, my sister was asleep and my mother heard a loud noise like a car had crashed through our bedroom window that faced the street. She found me on the floor staring at the wall and my sister sound asleep.

The next night as my sister and I were going to sleep, in the middle of the night she felt an ugly dark presence in our room, she felt like someone was there piercing her with their eyes. She rolled over and saw me with my eyes wide open staring at her and she could see the demons in my eyes staring at her. She immediately ran out of the room where she called the Brother from the addict’s home and they took me to the Hacienda the following day. For the next three days in the front office at the Hacienda they were casting the demons out of me. I the last one that did not want to come out was a spirit of LUST. I them reading scriptures to me and having me repeat the name of

JESUS. In the beginning, I couldn’t say that name, nor could I sleep or eat. The voices in my head were taking over, I was so exhausted but there was a little part of me deep down inside that was fighting to be free. I knew I had to fight. By the end of three days I could say Jesus and all the evil that was tormenting me had left. That encounter with demonic spirits made me a believer that Satan is real, the spiritual realm is a real unseen existence, alive and active. There is a war going on of Satan, and his demonic spirits, against God and His angels, and praying saints. This war is for the possession of your (mind, will and emotions) and to dominate the unredeemed spirit of that person.

As a child of God I now recognize and know my Authority in Christ Jesus. The enemy has no power over me. 2Corinthians 10:3-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

Ephesians 6:11 Put on the whole armor of God.

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against thee shall prosper.

Luke 10:19, Matthew 10:8, James 4:7, Ephesians 4:7

The Hacienda

The Hacienda was a beautiful estate. At one time, it was a Hunting Lodge. It was in 1973 that I had my first encounter with the VO women’s rehab home.

I felt very comfortable being there and it was nice to know that the elderly couple’s daughter and son in-law were the pastors there. Early in the morning we’d start our day out in prayer, bible studies then breakfast and chores. I always enjoyed cooking and looked forward to when it was my turn to be in the kitchen.

The Hacienda was beautiful and so peaceful. I loved waking up early to start breakfast; the first person I would always see was a brother that was a funny guy but a true servant that was always working down the hill on cars or whatever needed to be repaired or serviced on the grounds.

The Hacienda was the perfect place for weddings, picnics, and church baptisms in their beautiful pool. It was always exciting there. Different women from the church would come throughout the week to teach us bible studies. It was usually girls that have graduated from the home that were now working and involved in the church.

Being from the same town, I was immediately drawn to the girl who was my head staff. We knew a lot of the same people and it’s always nice to be with a home girl. Doing time and being in a lot of drug programs I immediately fell into the program and could flow with the rest of them. I loved being there and all the people that were there were very nice. I was especially impressed by the Pastor and his family. They lived in one little room with their children. I had never known anyone to sacrifice for a bunch of drug addicts like that. The pastor’s

wife did all her cooking in their little room. I enjoyed watching them play baseball with their children in the yard, the kids were always well behaved and seemed happy.

I’ll always going to church on St Louis in the “JESUS VAN”. I was a little embarrassed at first since it got a lot of attention everywhere we went. I can only imagine how Pastors children felt being dropped off at school in that van.

The Hacienda was in a very upscale neighborhood, back then was mostly upper class white people. God in his infinite wisdom or his sense of humor placed a bunch of ex drug addicts on this beautiful Estate.

The pastor’s wife always made everything fun and serving God so exciting. Sometimes a few of us girls would go on evening jogs with her around the Hacienda. She always kept herself up and shared with us girls how important it is to take care of ourselves for our husbands and that we were also representing Jesus.

Church on St Louis was like one big family getting together. As well as the Holy Ghost services, eating together in the fellowship room and all the special events at the Hacienda with summer trips to Yosemite. It was always fun going to street rallies in the projects, ing out flyers and witnessing to people. Sometimes well-known gospel singers would come along to minister in songs.

For some of us girls it was our chance to check out the brothers in the men’s home, even though it was against the rules to talk to them. That’s when I met a brother who was the head staff in the men’s home. He was a lot older than me, and I didn’t realize it at the time but the attraction we had for each other was a spirit of lust distracting us from what the Lord wanted to do in our lives. We flirted with each other and ed each other kites (letters) every chance we got.

I couldn’t wait to see him on our church days and I was looking forward to the Yosemite trip; because I knew I’d get to see him there, till they found out then I was put on discipline and would not be going to Yosemite. So, I decided to leave the home to fulfil the lustful desires of my flesh.

I stayed in the Hacienda for eight months. But I never stayed in my Word I had always struggled studying and couldn’t understand a lot that I was reading and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. So, there was no conviction or a solid foundation of the Word in my life. I was very grateful for these people helping me to get delivered from the demons, but I had opened the door for that spirit of lust to come back.

That following night riding in the Jesus van to the church on St Louis, I had my mind made up to leave, and I pulled that Brother right out of the men’s home to go back to the world with me. He was being raised up in the men’s home and everyone was trying to stop us from leaving but we left and headed straight downtown, scored some heroin then got a room. As women, we can either be a blessing or a curse to men. Today I choose to forgive and to be a blessing to men.

He was from City Terrace so after a week of shooting drugs we then left to his moms’ house so we didn’t have to pay for a room. We ran amuck together hustling and shooting drugs for about three months. Not being from LA, I didn’t know any of the drug dealers so he did all the scoring of our drugs while I made all the money. I didn’t need him anymore nor did I want to be with him and I thought the drugs were better in OC where I was from. So, I left him and went back to my old stomping grounds in barrio.

I never could stay in a relationship long, it seemed like after a few months with someone I would be tired of them and go on to someone else. Or even if I was

with someone for a long time I always cheated on them. As I look back at all my past relationships, they were all selfish or lustful. Looking for someone to fill a need in my life. But I could never commit or trust, the two requirements for a healthy relationship.

Backslidden 7 Times Worse

The next 13 years I found myself getting worse, committing crimes and doing things that I never imagined I could do. I was a notorious thief; I started very young while in elementary school stealing candy at our neighborhood store, and quarters from my mother’s wallet. My parents divorced and we lived on a small income of child , enough to pay rent and buy groceries. So, I learned to steal all my clothes shoes and make up as I got into junior high school.

For the first six years of my heroin addiction, I ed my habit by boosting (stealing). I had Fences (people who bought stolen merchandise) and would get large orders for leather coats, Levi jeans, men’s and women’s clothes, expensive perfumes and jewelry. I also was notorious for cattle wrestling (stealing meats) steaks, ribs and hams. Power tools and televisions too. I’d walk into high end department stores and go to the racks of $400 leather jackets sweep up six to eight jackets at a time and walk out of the store like they were mine.

I was notorious in a lot of the malls, there were some that I couldn’t even walk into anymore, security had my pictures posted and as soon as I’d step into the mall security was on me, and I knew it. Then I started picking up merchandise and run out the door while my crime partner was out there waiting for me as I threw the merchandise in the back seat and literally dive into the car as my partner was driving off.

It was in the county jail where I met seasoned criminals that schooled me to venture out to prostitution, armed robberies, and transporting heroin. After leaving the Hacienda my life on drugs became the worst. I started doing things I never ever thought I would do. Being incarcerated didn’t help or rehabilitate me. I just met more seasoned criminals and drug dealers. In jail a lot of the girls told me I should come and work for a call girl service, and that I could make good

money because I was young and pretty.

From Prostitution, I fell into deeper perverted sins, Sadomasochism and Homosexuality. Just like the bible says in Luke 11:26, when we’ve been delivered of evil spirits and go back to our old ways we are worse off than before.

The bible says when an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it, then it says I will return to the house I left, when it arrives it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, they go in and live there and the final condition of that man is worse than the first.

Prostitution

Numb to all the abuse and believed the lies that I was hearing in my head. YOUR WORTHLESS, YOUR DIRTY and UGLY, NOBODY LOVES YOU, NOT EVEN YOUR DADDY LOVED YOU, MEN WILL ALWAYS HURT YOU! Years of sexual abuse broke and stripped me of all my self-worth.

Heroin became my drug of choice to numb the pain and make me feel good about myself. It took away all the fears and quieted the voices in my head that were telling me the lies which I had believed for so long. Heroin eased the pain and blocked out the memories for sixteen years of my life.

Burglaries, armed robberies, prostitution and sadomasochism were some of the ways I ed my addiction. Prostitution was easy and fast money. I started out as a high-class call girl working for an escort service in Southern California. Working out of hotels on the Blvd and escorting men on business trips mostly to Vegas.

The tables had been turned. Just like I swore I would do, I was using men now. Most of the time they were under my control. I was introduced to sadomasochism. The definition of Sadomasochism is gratification, especially sexual gained through inflicting or receiving pain as pleasure. I was to meet with a trick at a hotel. He gave me a large amount of money to inflict pain on him. I didn’t have to have sex with him. This was great! I could release all the hatred and anger I had inside of me towards men.

After meeting with him several times, he made me an offer to quit the agency I was working for to work for him and a few other gentlemen that would take

good care of me, and I didn’t have to have sex.

They rented me a beautiful apartment near the beach and set up one of the bedrooms with chains, whips and tools needed to please their twisted and sick desires. They had become my slaves and I enjoyed hurting and inflicting pain on them as I imagined my uncle molesting me, the gang rapes and the three horrific days in the van. And the men I stayed with out of FEAR.

These men were all wealthy educated businessmen. The money was fantastic so my heroin addiction became bigger. Because of my addiction, I started missing a lot of my appointments with them. I was too high to perform or out trying to score my drugs. Eventually they quit paying my rent and I was back out on the streets. Working on the Blvd. Back in the day a well-known place for hookers.

If I looked good, I could get fifty dollars to be with a trick for twenty minutes. Heroin started taking a toll on my appearance and I would do good to make twenty dollars. Eventually I started going into the camps where these migrant workers from Mexico lived. It was usually three or four of us girls going in there together, making our way down rows of bunk beds for ten dollars a trick.

There were a few different camps out in the orange groves. I hated going there because it was so dirty, but I was desperate and needed the money. I had burned so many tricks by taking them into hotel rooms and telling them to take a shower first, then I’d run out of the room with their clothes and wallet.

The J.R. was a good place to pick up tricks with money in the 70’s. I’ve always loved fashion and took care of myself. Many people didn’t even know I was an addict. I’d dress up nice sit at the bar and wait for tricks to approach me, while my partner was waiting outside in a car, ready to follow me and the trick. Some took me to their homes. I’d unlock the front door so my partner could come in

and rob the place. Acting as if I didn’t know the robber he’d have me tie up the trick, then ransack the house for all the valuables. It’s a miracle I was never caught by any of those guys. I became an animal with only one purpose in life, HEROIN.

As a Prostitute, I birthed two baby girls that were born addicted to heroin. When I first realized that I was pregnant all I could think of was how am I going to turn tricks with a big stomach. I found out quick there were sickos out there that paid better money to be with a pregnant girl.

I met a woman in a bar on 4th street that knew I was an addict and asked me what I was going to do with the baby. I answered give it up for adoption, she said she knew a good family that had been trying to adopt and had gotten burned so many times. I met this couple at a restaurant, they wanted this baby so we made an agreement over coffee and she now belonged to them.

Later this same couple heard I was nine months pregnant in the County Jail facing time so they ed me. They adopted my second daughter. They endured the painful time of watching these two little girls withdrawing from heroin with their sweats, shakes and screeching cries. They loved them through all their problems with the heroin addiction and emotional damage an addict child has had to suffer. This beautiful couple gave them the love and life I could never have given them, and I am very grateful to them.

My first two children were born from two different men that I cared for, yet they have had to suffer the consequences all children do with parents that are addicts. When my son’s father died of a Heroin overdose, I dove right into it, gave up my son to his grandparents to take care of.

Then my daughter was born addicted to heroin. Her father and I had dealer’s

habits. I was shooting up to five hundred dollars a day of pure uncut heroin during my pregnancy. In my ninth month of my pregnancy a guy tried to rob my boyfriend for a very large amount of money and drugs. My boyfriend’s gun went off and that person died. We were on the run for a few weeks still dealing heroin, moving from hotel to hotel keeping a few good customers. Eventually, we both got busted for murder. My boyfriend took the rap and I was cut loose. He’s been down for thirty-five years now for murder over heroin.

Through all of this, I still longed to be loved. I craved for someone to just hold me in their arms and tell me they loved me. I found that in a Lesbian relationship while doing time. Knowing deep down inside my heart I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good.

Reality comes back to you when you are clean and sober. There is no heroin or anything to numb the pain. The emotions and the memories are awoken and then you are desperately trying to find something to numb it. Whether it is fantasizing a relationship, or taking out your frustrations in violence and anger by starting riots, or beating up snitches. I thought things would be different this time after being with Shorty but It wasn’t. Nothing could fill the emptiness and pain that I carried in me. No man or women, not even drugs or money. I was just existing on this earth with no hope or reason to want to live.

Desperate to be Loved

My Introduction to Lesbianism was while I was incarcerated. Eighteen years old and busted for a commercial burglary. This place was nothing like Juvenile Hall. It was morning by the time I was sent upstairs. Sitting on the bench waiting for the deputy to open the gate, I saw what I thought was a big husky black man buffing the floors. When he approached me, and said what he said I knew it wasn’t a man. That was my first encounter with this black stud broad who eventually became my best friend. She stopped in front of me checked me out up and down stuck her tongue out and slowly licked her top lip and said “Baby your just my type fresh meat, umm and I’m going to make you mine”. Then I heard the deputy over the inner com telling me to go downstairs into “G” dorm. I couldn’t get up fast enough before the gate closed.

I laid in my bunk terrified thinking about what had just happened. I knew I would be kicking for the next four to five days, so that alone would keep me in the dorm and away from her, but I knew sooner or later I’d have to deal with her. Yes, I was afraid of her, but I couldn’t show any weakness and back down from her.

My first day out walking through the meal line she was working in the kitchen and made sure that I was served special with bigger portions of dessert. She winked at me as I took my tray. Finally, that day came I told her I didn’t play that way and if she wanted to box let’s do it. To my surprise, she laughed thought I was crazy and said “girl you’re alright, you got heart… you got a lot of heart, I like that”. From that day on we became best friends.

I’d get mad at my homies that fell into being with women; I thought it was weakness, that they couldn’t do their time. I became good friends with a lot of the stud broads and they all knew I was straight and they respected me. They

would tease me and tell me it’s all in the game Homie one of these days “YOUR GONNA GET TURNED OUT.”

It was in 1981 when I had met my girlfriend. I was twenty-seven and she was twenty-one. I was doing time for a burglary. When she drove up all the girls were talking about a fine little stud broad in booking. Then it happened I saw her in the dining room and I caught her staring at me. I tried to ignore her but she had my attention.

I liked what I felt, the butterflies in my stomach, something I hadn’t felt in years. I was certainly confused about my feelings and a little embarrassed. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, I couldn’t allow myself to feel like this, THAT’S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, and I hated any sign of WEAKNESS! I tried to convince myself.

Later that evening the girls said that someone wanted to talk to me at the back gate. When I got there, I saw it was her. I feeling nervous as she introduced herself to me and said that I caught her attention in the dining room. I felt so stupid and mad at myself for feeling like that, but I was attracted to her as much as I didn’t want to it it. We ended up talking to each other for hours.

I went to sleep that night thinking about her, I couldn’t wait till morning to see her. My homies knew I had fallen for her. Linda was about seven years younger than me. She had innocence about her that we were all drawn to. My feelings were growing stronger for her as I’d fantasize being with her.

I ended up picking up a case for jumping on a Rat (beating up a snitch) and was sent to SEGREGATION. They were one man cells, four cells up and four cells below segregated from the whole population. You only came out for showers or if you were lucky you could go to the day room or up to the roof for some sun

but those privileges were usually taken away from us.

My girlfriend and I communicated through letters then she got out after doing her time, I looked forward to her visits once a week. She was all I thought about. I loved her gentleness towards me, and I couldn’t wait to get out to be with her. Finally, my two years were up and I couldn’t sleep all night anticipating my release in the morning. Yet in the back of my mind I was a little nervous, not knowing what to do, the other girls told me don’t worry it will come natural.

That morning I was released and she was right out there waiting for me. It felt strange seeing her out there and most of all knowing what was going to happen next. She told me she had a room for us and if I wanted to go anywhere or needed anything before we went to the hotel, I knew exactly what I wanted, I told her it would relax me more if I get a fix before we go to the hotel. I got my fix and everything was good and just like the girls said it would all come natural to me.

She wasn’t a dope fiend, she worked and I started using again. I thought being with her would take my mind off the heroin but it didn’t. I was hooked again, in and out of jail and with other women, even though I cared for her this flesh was never satisfied with just one person. She stayed with me in all that madness, visited me when I was locked up and always had a place for me to live when I got out.

I found myself attracted to other women, it was different being with a woman, and I could understand why women fell into the lesbian lifestyle, especially after being abused by men. Some of the prostitutes always tried to get me to go with them to do threesomes for clients that liked to film and watch pretty girls being intimate together, it was good easy money and I enjoyed it.

I had always questioned and wondered how a woman could be with another woman or a man with a man, I looked at it as disgusting and weakness. It wasn’t till I got saved when I started understanding why and how others and I became that way. It was during a time in the VO Women’s Home. I was battling my flesh and my broken heart for her, I loved and missed her so much, we were together for five years, and I knew I had to separate myself in prayer and fasting. Those were emotions that were as real like they are for a man and woman that are in love, even though they are perverted. The Holy Spirit started showing me how I fell into it.

It all stemmed from my childhood, being molested as a child, my father’s absence and unfaithfulness to my mother and deserting me, generational curses, my promiscuity at twelve years old and the relationships I had. Then the prostitution the sadomasochism it was all leading to HOMOSEXUALITY. He showed me Satan’s plan is to pervert marriages, Gods plan is for man and woman to be one in marriage and to replenish the earth (Having children) But Satan’s is to destroy it. Man, and woman get married then one of them gives into fleshly desires, self-gratification, fantasizing, looking at pornography, having affairs, visiting prostitutes; the flesh is still not satisfied. Then it’s with animals, children, perverted sexual acts, sadomasochism, homosexuality; the flesh is never satisfied, then suicide.

My deliverance started in the Women’s Home in 1986. Sick and tired of my life, I wanted to change. I started praying and fasting. As I was filled with the Holy Spirit, He started guiding and showing me where it all started. He showed me the root of it. I had to renounce and repent of this perverted spirit that had kept me in bondage for so many years.

I had to cut the soul ties with my girlfriend and all the women and men that I had been sexually or emotionally involved with. I had to discipline my mind, my flesh and my emotions; I couldn’t dwell on any feelings or memories of that lifestyle. I had to get away from everyone in that lifestyle and any place or thing that reminded me of it and cut all ties. I was dead serious about my deliverance.

Fasting was the key to putting my flesh in submission, and dwelling on God’s word. I fell in love with JESUS! I fell in LOVE with WORSHIPING him and being in his presence. And he was HEALING and SETTING me FREE. It didn’t happen overnight, it’s been a JOURNEY.

There were times that perverted spirit would try to come back on me but I recognized it and cut it off IMMEDIATELY! The struggle was REAL. It didn’t go away when I became a Christian and got filled with the Holy Ghost. It was a long fight and sometimes I felt like I wouldn’t make it. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep begging the Lord to take me because I did not want to hurt Him or return to that lifestyle.

As I look back now, I see how I was exposed to demonic activity, from the beginning of my Christian walk. Not only being delivered from demons, but helping people to get set free and delivered from them. Many nights in the women’s home, we were woken up to go cast demons out of someone. Walking into homes that looked and felt normal, till they opened a door to a bedroom where the demon possessed person was. You could feel the ugly dark oppression in the room, it felt like a thick black gloomy cloud with an evil presence, sometimes there would be a stench that I had never smelled before, yet I knew we were in Satan’s territory and this spiritual battle was real.

Seeing the manifestations hearing the voices that would come out of these people could be very intimidating, if you were not full of the Holy Ghost and know your authority and the power in the blood and in the name of Jesus. It was the norm for us to do deliverance in the home and seeing women slithering on the floor like snakes.

I was taught early on about the Power of Prayer and Fasting in the home. Back in those days we fasted all the time, sometimes three to four days. We always

fasted during conferences. In those times of fasting God opened my eyes to the spirit realm and would even let me see the demons and those he controlled. I know how real the Spirit Realm is, it’s more real than this Physical realm we live in. After all it was here first.

There were times God would call me to a fast and I didn’t know what I was fasting about. One event was when I was living with a family that ran a discipleship home. I was on my 4th day of fasting, then I got a call from the Rehab Home director on St Louis Street, he said they were bringing in a demon possessed woman, and if I would come to help with the deliverance, now I understand why God had called me to this fast. Most of the men and women in the home were not experienced in this area except my sister and another girl. So, he had all the men and women downstairs praying as we prepared to meet with this woman. The home director had two dogs, as soon as that woman was on the property; those two dogs gave out the most eerie howls we had ever heard. Even the dogs sensed the presence of the enemy.

Two other Pastors and I worked with this woman for two days. I knew my part was to keep her focused and to keep speaking to her so she wouldn’t let the demons dominate her. The demons tried to intimidate us, one demon laughed at me and said that I still liked women and that I would always be a lesbian, then another demon spoke to one of the Pastors saying he was a lousy preacher and a drunk. I learned a lot in that time. Finally, the third day the pastor opened the word and read scriptures to her with such love and comion and that brought her to her final complete deliverance.

As the Lord was preparing me for the mission field to Spain, He stressed to me that I needed to know and understand spiritual warfare, that I would not last if I didn’t.

My Salvation

My family roots on my dad’s side are from the south, a small town in Mississippi. They were Holy Ghost filled holiness Pentecostals. I as a little girl going to spend summers there and waking up to the sounds of my grandmother and aunt praying loud and speaking in tongues. Then a couple hours later there was the smell of hot biscuits and bacon, that was my que to go to the kitchen and have my special time with my grandmother.

Our summers in Mississippi were the best times growing up and the main event of the day was going to church. Back then revival would last for months and we never missed a service. I cherish my memories in Mississippi. To this day I know it was the prayers of my grandmother and aunt that are the reason I’m here today.

In 1986 I came to a place in my life where I was sick and tired of my lifestyle. I was burned out I had no veins left in my arms neck legs and feet I used up every vein. I couldn’t hustle in the stores, security spotted me as soon as I walked in and would escort me out of the mall. The tricks on harbor Blvd would pull up to me and see how horrible I looked and would drive off. I was selling my body for two and three dollars. I hated who I was and what I had become. I finally hit rock bottom and I knew I needed Jesus. I was finally ready and willing to surrender my all to him I knew if I didn’t I would die an old lady in prison or be killed on the streets.

My sisters seven-year-old daughter was hit by a car and killed as she was walking home from school. They had been attending a VO Church. It was during this tragic time when the Lord got a hold of me.

I saw and felt the love of God through the people in her church. I saw people that I use to shoot heroin and did time with. They all looked so happy and at peace. I wanted what they had.

After the funeral, my sister’s roommate took me to a Women’s Home. I felt so ugly and dirty, I questioned how could God forgive me for all that I have done, and does he love me? She said Jesus has always loved me and he never left me, and that he’s been waiting on me to come back to him.

She explained to me the plan of salvation. She reminded me that sin separates us from God. But God sent his son Jesus Christ to this earth to pay the price for sin by dying on the cross in our place; he arose from the dead and ascended to heaven. It was on Calvary that he shed his blood for the remission of my sins. She said the bible says in 1 John 1:9 that if we confess our sins, he’s faithful and just and will forgive us of our sins and purify us of all unrighteousness. That moment I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior repented of my sins and said the sinners’ prayer. It was in that place I totally SURRENDERED. God took me on my Journey of Healing and Deliverance.

I didn’t trust people, so it was hard for me to open to anyone especially people with authority. I wanted so bad to know the Jesus they talked about. The POWER of PRAYER and FASTING. It was during that time, I experienced Gods miraculous touch. I was always a very ionate person and gave my all in everything that I did. As a drug addict, I hated rats (snitches) and anyone showing any kind of weakness.

I surrendered my all to Jesus, I went full force I wanted to know this Jesus they talked about. I started praying and fasting. First two or three days at a time, then extended fasts. Seven to ten days. The home was very structured, with prayer and bible studies in the morning and afternoon. Then we would have free time to ourselves for a couple of hours. I was so hungry I wanted more and more of him. I would go out in the back yard, in a shed, and would continue praying and

seeking God. I had so many questions for him. I was desperate to know him crying out for him to deliver me of my past and all the guilt and shame.

My heart was hurting for the woman that I loved and missed so much, but I knew I had to hang in there and not give in to my flesh and emotions because to me that would be showing weakness and I would be just like those snitches in the world.

In that shed I was filled with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues. I loved being in God’s presence talking to him and letting out all those feelings and emotions that were stuffed deep inside of me for years. I loved praying in tongues and going deep into the Spirit. He showed me so many things he had planned for my life.

Then I heard God speak to me in an AUDIBLE voice. He told me he was preparing me for my husband and that he would be a gentle man, a businessman, with a different background than mine. He would be my teacher and bring healing to me. He said that he had a special ministry for me.

He showed me a vision of my life. It was like a filmstrip in a home movie, I saw my whole life from a little girl until that moment. He showed me all the men that abused and hurt me. He showed me people and things I had forgotten about. He said to me “You have to FORGIVE every one of them like I have FORGIVEN you for all your sins”. I began to sob uncontrollably from the depths of my SOUL I cried out “I FORGIVE them,” one by one I saw all their faces. I even felt the pain and shame I endured with each one of them. I continued crying out “I FORGIVE, I FORGIVE, I FORGIVE.” He told me I needed to forgive my dad for leaving me and not being there to protect me. I had to forgive my uncle for molesting me and all the men that raped me. I had to forgive myself, I even had to forgive God for allowing that to happen to me (it was part of the process). It seemed like hours before I felt a heavy load of bricks lifted off me. I didn’t want to leave His presence. I had never felt or experienced anything like it.

Barcelona

It was in the Women’s Home when I felt the call to Spain. The Holy Spirit would get me up at two and three in the morning with a strong urgency to prayer. I would start off worshiping him then end up praying in tongues (In the spirit). This went on for months, till I started to understand what God was putting in my heart.

Living in a very strong Hispanic influenced area; I began to have such a LOVE and COMION for the Hispanic race and the Spanish speaking people from Mexico. I was so attracted to them, everywhere I went they would stand out to me in crowds. My heart felt like it was going to explode with the sense of Love I felt for them.

When the Holy Spirit would wake me up to pray, I would just pray in tongues. Sometimes I would just weep and my heart would feel like it was breaking then I would moan and groan with sounds of a mother giving birth to a baby. This also went on for months I never felt such overwhelming love and a burden like I did for these people.

I was head staff in the women’s home so I would drive the girls to Doctor appointments, car washes, and even drive to LA to pick up food from our mother church rehab home. It was during one of those trips as I was driving that I saw an ment on a sign about an airline traveling from Los Angeles to Barcelona. My Spirit leaped with such a joy and excitement and then a flood of tears as I realized what was happening to me. I could see clearly and understand that God was calling me to Spain. From that day on I started praying with understanding for the people in Spain. I was consumed with Spain I loved to cook so I would find out about the food they ate; I wanted to know all about the Spanish culture. I would read any books that I could get a hold of about

Barcelona and started to learn Castellano Spanish. I even started dressing like a Spaniard with long lace skirts. In every event, we had for World Evangelism I would represent Spain.

For the next five years, I faithfully prayed for Spain. After three years in the home my home director released me and I graduated then went on to the mother church. I then attended a Spanish bible college.

I was living with an Evangelist family in their Discipleship home. Back then we had our conferences under a tent and the founders of the ministry would preach messages how some of us would be going into countries all over the world to preach the gospel. He would remind us that God wants to use the foolish things of this world.

We had already ventured into Europe and my heart was so heavy for the call of Spain. I going up to our Founder expressing my love and that God was calling me to Barcelona. He smiled and hugged me with that gentle kind of hug and said, now we must pray that God will raise up a married couple with a burden for Spain. Two years later God raised up a married couple that answered that call. I was part of the team that went to Spain. As God was preparing me for the mission field he was reminding me about how important it is to know spiritual warfare there.

I know for a fact when God calls you, he also provides everything. An elderly Sweedish Brother in the church was like a father to me and the Lord used him and his Swedish missionary group to me financially my whole time in Spain.

That day I arrived in Spain, I felt like I was finally home. I’ll never forget that feeling of the love God had put in my heart for the Spaniards. I was

overwhelmed with joy seeing how the Lord is faithful to do what he says he will. I knew I was in his perfect will.

A brother picked me up from the airport and drove me to where the team was, they were having a bible study in the home of a new family that started coming to the church. Who would have ever known they would end up being the Senior Pastors of that church in Barcelona today that we started over twenty-five years ago, I look back now and see it was the power of prayer, a UNIFIED TEAM and the LOVE God put in our Hearts for the Spaniards. God ended my ministry in Spain, and told me that I could not take women any farther then where I was at. He said you could teach them to pray, fast, evangelize, and how to be a servant. But there were areas in my life that still needed deliverance and healing. There were deep rooted issues in me.

I still had FEAR of men, especially those with authority. I didn’t TRUST, there were still deep roots of REJECTION inside of me. I would only let people in so far in my life. He wanted to bring healing to me from my past broken relationships.

I never dealt with a lot of these issues; deaths, the loss of my mother, my children, my siblings, my dad. I came from DRUGS to MINISTRY, never learned how to be responsible, to have a job, to pay bills. I never grew up emotionally.

Even as a missionary in Barcelona I was at the market buying bread and there was a woman in the store who had my attention, I was drawn to her in a very seductive lustful way; I knew I had to run for my life. I went back to the house crying and shared with the Pastors wife to pray for me. I was tempted so many times to go back to my girlfriend, I missed her so much. There were many events like this. I kept fighting and standing on Gods Promises, he told me that he was preparing me for my husband.

I knew my time in Spain was over. I became very depressed when I left Spain and returned to America. I was angry at God.

My sister was concerned that I would return to my old lifestyle of Heroin. She put me on a plane and sent me to Texas. I spent the next twenty years in Texas and Mississippi getting to know my family and letting God Heal and RESTORE everything the Enemy had stolen from me.

Dan

The Lord reminded me that it was in 1986, during a long fast while I was in the women’s home, that God spoke to me in an audible voice when He said he was preparing me for my husband. He also went on to say that he would be my teacher and that he is a man of FAITH, and a very Gentle man. He also told me other things that he was going to do in my life. He has fulfilled so many of those promises.

In 1998 while in Texas, He removed me from my sisters’ church to go somewhere else. I did not want to go to this other church but the Holy Spirit was persistent and I knew I had to OBEY or I would be miserable.

Not long after attending this church a young lady came up to me and said there was a gentleman that would like to meet me. I was a little surprised and afraid when she said it, she told me his name and that he was a very nice man and that he loved God he was very well respected by everyone and had a very good testimony. My reply to her very nervously was that “I don’t believe in dating” and I knew God had a husband for me, when I met him I would know.

I went home that evening and I couldn’t sleep, study or even pray without his name being repeated over and over in my mind like a recording. I thought I was going to lose my mind and after a week I had to call the pastors wife to share what was happening to me. When I told her the man’s name she blurted out with a laugh and said “Sister, the day you walked in our church, The Holy Spirit told me that you would be his wife.”

I met my husband in Texas on a Saturday on April 25, 1998 while I was serving

the cake for the church anniversary. We married nine days later a Monday, May 4, 1998. We married out of obedience and fell in love later. We are now going on twenty years of marriage.

I have always recognized Gods tugging on me to move, to do something and his voice when he’s speaking. I don’t ever want him to stop speaking to me. When I married him, he had just built a beautiful home. We got to live there together for a couple of years till the Lord asked us to give it to a family.

An Excerpt from my husband

Without realizing it, I agreed to become a part of De Ette’s life nearly two years before I met her. I was a single man living in an apartment, certain that I didn’t want to be married again. I had a good job traveling for a technology company and was happily seeking more of God in my life.

One Saturday morning I was reading my Bible at my kitchen table. I was reading the story of David in I Samuel 25 where David had gone to a man named Nabal to ask for provisions for his men. Nabal denied David of his request and David got angry and was determined to respond negatively to Nabal, David was furious. Abagail, Mr. Nabal’s wife, overheard the conversation and acted to provide food to David and his men. When she arrived at David’s camp, with donkeys loaded with food, David realized Abagail had saved him from committing a crime.

The next day when Mr. Nabal was sober, Abagail told him what she had done. He was so upset that he had a stroke and went unconscious for several days and then died. When David heard the news of Nabal’s death he told one of his servants to go get Abagail and tell her that he would marry her and take care of her.

When I finished reading that story I heard God’s audible voice say, “I have a servant, will you take care of her?” I immediately said yes. It was then that I realized there was no one else in my apartment but me and that God had spoken to me audibly.

This was an amazing event for me and I began to wonder, what is this Abagail servant like. I went back to the beginning of the story and read the part where the Bible described Abagail. In I Samuel 25 verse 3 I it read, “His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abagail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman.” I said to myself that works for me!

Several weeks later I felt God urging me to build a new home. I thought to myself, what do I need with a home? I am single, I travel all over North America each week, and I have two cars and a good life, why do I need a home? God seemed to persist so I prayed for guidance to find His plan for this home.

I ended up building a beautiful four-bedroom home in a gated subdivision with a view of the city, on a street named Majestic View. I lived in that home by myself from July to the following April, with only the bare essential furniture. Every time I tried to shop for furniture I couldn’t seem to find anything that was right.

It turned out that after I was introduced to Maile Lani and we got married, I showed her the home that I had built. She took me to her one-bedroom apartment to get her furniture, and then to her storage to get the rest of her things I saw the reason I was not able to buy furniture. She already had all the missing pieces that were needed to furnish that home, including a chandelier that fit perfectly in the foyer with its twelve foot ceilings.

We were married in the house he had built with a few close friends and family . We got to know each other as we traveled for his business. He introduced me to a life and a world I never knew existed, or that I could ever be a part of. All our travels throughout the US and the Caribbean’s. Our Christmases in NYC at the Waldorf; he always made my birthdays special, but my absolute favorite was our three weeks in Paris. Even our two-week Safari in Africa was an experience of a lifetime.

Dan has been a businessman, Pastor, Teacher, farmer and a Pilot; but most importantly a man of Faith and a man after Gods heart. He’s confident and secure in who he is, he doesn’t need titles or positions. His affirmation comes from God. God has used him to bring healing to my wounded soul. He’s the one that has built me up, constantly telling me how beautiful and smart that I am; that I can do anything because God told him that I was beautiful and intelligent.

He has built up my self-worth as he has introduced me to Fine Dining, Designer clothes, flying First Class and Room Service in the finest hotels. But none of that has changed me, I can still shop at a thrift stores, eat off the food trucks and stay at cheap motels if I need to. I’ll never forget where I came from, and I’m forever grateful for what the Lord has done in my life.

He’s reinforced my value as a person but most of all as a child of God. And he always reminds me that God wants me to have the best. He’s made dreams come true that I didn’t know were in me. He never tries to control me, he’s always ive in everything that I do. We have learned the power of unity and how important it is to always agree with each other. He’s taught me to tie up all the loose ends in my past, paying my debts, making amends in broken relationships, Integrity in the smallest things like returning something back to its rightful place on the grocery shelf, and putting your grocery basket where it belongs. Or parking in a handicap spot. Yes, those small things are really BIG and they will hinder our Spiritual growth and our CHARACTER.

Obedience

I’ve learned that if we don’t obey God, when he’s asking us to do something or to go somewhere, He will quit speaking to us or allow an event to get you to move.

One evening as I was cleaning up after dinner, and he was putting handicap door knobs on all our doors for his mom, my dad and sister, the Lord spoke to me and said I want you to give this house and EVERYTHING in it to my sister and her husband. I immediately responded with no hesitation, OK Lord but you better tell my husband.

The following morning in church during worship I saw my husband’s knee moving and I know when the Holy Ghost is coming on him. He immediately pulled out a pocket size note book that he always kept to write notes or thoughts on when the Lord is speaking to him. As I watched him, he proceeded to write the date on the top right hand then he wrote ‘The Lord wants me to give my sister and brother in-law our home with everything in it on Majestic View’. I looked at my husband with tears of JOY saying the Lord told me the exact same thing in those exact words. We both took off running and rejoicing around the church. We packed our suit cases and were out of the house within three days.

On another occasion, God spoke again. During Worship the Lord said to write a check for $400 and give it to my niece, I looked at my husband watching tears running down his face in Worship and reluctant to bother him I asked if he had the checkbook, he said no it’s in the Hummer, I told him what the Lord just asked me to do and he responded, I’ll go and get the checkbook, because the Lord just told me to write a check for $5000 to give to a brother in the church. Immediately after church we gave the checks to both individuals and they had tears in their eyes out of gratefulness to answered prayer.

(An excerpt from from my niece)

I called my niece and asked her to confirm the amount she replied $400. She said I that day. I still cry thinking about it. God knew where we were at and it built my faith that God has us and always will. I still think back to that day anytime I worry about our future, especially when we decided to move our family to a new city with no jobs.

(An excerpt from the Brother)

Your husband came to the sound booth crying and said “I was an inspiration to him” then he said “I don’t know what’s going on but God told me to give you this check for $5000” only God knew. We didn’t have the finances for our Home mortgage, car note and utilities.

Events like this happened quite often. I was in a shopping mall looking at some purses and engaged in a conversation with a Christian single woman that worked behind the counter, she was looking for side jobs to clean houses, she needed $600 to pay her rent the Lord told me to give her the $600. I called my husband to tell him, he immediately said write her a check. We know the importance of agreeing in everything that we do.

Living in a beautiful apartment with views of the city and in the nicest part of town the Lord told us pack up your stuff, give the apt manager your notice that you’re leaving. I’m moving you. We had boxes everywhere gave our notice but hadn’t heard from God where he was moving us to. Finally, my husband said he woke up with Yorktown on his heart. When he said Yorktown, I knew in my spirit that’s where God was calling us to.

It was a daughter work of my brother in laws church out in the country. The pastor had left after five years, so different ministers would go on Sundays for the people there. My husband had gone a few times and tried to get me to go with him, but I wanted no part of going there. I didn’t like the country and it was a long ugly ride to get there. I’m a city girl and never cared to be in the country. But when God says go I knew I would be miserable if I disobeyed. He sent us there for five years it was my “desert”. God accomplished what he wanted to do.

As I was cleaning the apt before we moved out the last thing hanging in my closet was a beautiful floor length Mink coat my husband had bought me in NYC for Christmas. I made a pallet on the floor to sleep on that night and used the coat to cover me up, as I laid there thinking about our first Christmas in NYC at the Waldorf smiling at that memory God spoke to me and said give your Mink coat to a Sister in the church. I tried so hard to get that thought out of my mind trying to ignore him.

When I woke up in the morning a little saddened with tears rolling down my face asking the Lord why must I give up everything? He was Silent, and I knew better to ask. I boxed up the mink coat and when my husband came in from a trip we drove over to the sisters house and delivered the mink coat. She opened the box and said “I’ve always wanted a mink coat and the first time I saw you walk into the church wearing it, I said to myself ‘Lord that’s a beautiful mink coat and I’ve always wanted one.”

Funny thing it was easier to give away our big beautiful home, than my mink coat. I was at the airport and I saw a woman walking in wearing that mink coat (I would know it anywhere). I said to her what a beautiful coat! She smiled and said it’s not mine it belongs to a lady in my church that lends it to any of the ladies that travel to very cold temperatures. She said I’m on my way to New York where it’s snowing.

At another time, in a ladies meeting during worship, the Lord spoke to me and said go to that woman and tell her you would like to be a servant to her and help her with whatever she needs. I was hesitant to approach her but I did. There were a lot of women in line to speak with her. Finally, it was my turn to tell her what the Lord told me to say. With a surprised and joyful look on her face she said I have been desperately praying that the Lord would send me someone to help take care of my twin boys that I had recently adopted. She said it’s been so difficult with her Radio talk show, speaking engagements and woman’s groups to keep up with her responsibilities at home. I lived with this beautiful couple for the next two years.

Even as a new baby Christian, at the women’s home in El Sereno, I had been praying and fasting a lot because I was so desperate to know the Lord, I was hungry for the spiritual things. I had an experience with him and I wanted more. Once every two weeks they would take us to the store to buy our personal needs, before getting off the van we were reminded by our head staff that we were not allowed to talk to people in the store.

As I’m walking around gathering things that I needed, I noticed a blind man sitting in the corner of the store. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said “Go lay your hands on his eyes and say in the name of Jesus BE HEALED”

I was so afraid to do it for fear of getting in trouble. But the Holy Spirit was Persistent and I had to obey. I put my basket of cosmetics down, looked around to see where the other girls were then I quickly put my hand over his eyes and said “BE HEALED in the Name of JESUS”; He looked up at me astonished and said “I can see I can see”, he tossed his cane to the floor and started yelling “I can see!”

I was so afraid I ran out of the store and hid in the van. I never told anyone about that event. My husband was the first and only one I told. I feeling very reverent and fearful a God fear.

Three different times in 30 years during worship, the Holy Spirit had me to ROLL on the floor at the altar. One of my biggest fears was that he would ask me to do it in the Mother Church.

As I was worshiping The Holy spirit whispered if you love me Roll for me. The next thing I knew I was on the floor rolling speaking in tongues and feeling FREE!!! FREE of PRIDE, FREE of VANITY, I didn’t care what people thought of me, that was truly liberating and FREEDOM for me.

Yes, people thought I was Crazy, questioned my actions, was even pulled aside by an usher and rebuked and I humbly received it from this man, but rejoicing inside knowing that I obeyed and was pleasing to my father. I received a text from a leader in the church and he went on to thank me for my radical LOVE and obedience to the Lord.

He said when the other Leaders around him were questioning me rolling, he said to them if you knew where she came from and how God has Blessed her life today you would be rolling to, then the holy spirit said to him, Son if you love me then RUN for me, and he said I took off running. It was his first time experiencing that.

I’m not saying for everyone to start running and rolling all over the church, I believe in ORDER, I am saying whenever the Holy Spirit is moving on you to do something, there is a reason for it. Whether it’s to pray for someone, or give your car or home or all the money in your bank away, if you don’t respond immediately you’ll talk yourself out of it and miss out on a blessing to build and encourage some ones’ faith.

We do it just because God told us to, and we don’t look for any kind of response from anybody else, we want to please him, and we want him to keep speaking to us.

When God sent my husband and I on the assignment for 5 years in a small town in Texas. We drove up to that town and my husband saw three large Spirits that he described them looking like Buffed Athletes, standing over the middle of town, one was a spirit of Offense, the other was Poverty and the other was Division. The five years there God taught us a lot about spiritual warfare.

We lived in the apartment attached to the church. People we never knew nor seen would randomly knock on our door and ask for help to be delivered from demons. They said God sent them to our house and told them we could help them. We had a family from out of town that came down several times the wife (a Korean woman) her husband (Caucasian) and the family who struggled with depression. God delivered him in the middle of our living room then, the following week they brought their daughter who was oppressed with depression and fear. We are still in touch with this family today and they have never fell under that spirit of depression again.

The Holy Spirit led and taught us so much during this time. We had all night prayer meetings and would walk down every street in that small down battling in the spirit doing warfare. We sat and counseled with so many families that were experiencing demonic activity in their homes.

One night we got a call from a family living in a hotel, their eight-year-old son was in the shower and he began to scream blood hurling screams as the mother described it to us, the boy said there was another little boy in the shower holding a knife in his hand. We walked through the apt doing spiritual warfare in every room and opening every closet. Finally, one closet that was the last to go through, when my husband opened it you could feel a gush of wind and a dark ugly presence that was so thick came out and left. We knew the demons had left.

Everything in me did not want to go there, but I knew I had to obey. We were there for Spiritual warfare and God was doing a deep work within me. After five years of laboring in that town, we saw many miracles, deliverances, and fought many demons. Then the Lord started speaking to me, that he was taking me back to my ROOTS. We both knew God was ending our assignment there and by the time we left we saw the UNITY and PROSPERITY manifest in that town. As we were seeking the Lord on what to do and where to go, the Lord spoke to my husband and said I want you to LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD and to be mobile. We knew exactly what he was saying, so we rented a large uhaul truck and loaded it up with all our furniture and took it all to my one of my sisters in Mississippi, who was a single mom and struggled at times financially. Then we purchased an RV to live in.

My husband enjoyed hunting and was an avid gun collector and kept them in a very large gun safe. God told him to leave all his guns to the Pastor coming to take over the church. God had been speaking to him for a while to give up his guns.

The new Pastor didn’t collect guns or have any use for them. He had called my husband about a month after we were gone and asked if he could sell the guns because he didn’t have any use for them, my husband said of course they are yours do what you want with them. A few weeks later that Pastor called us and thanked him, saying he had been burdened for a while with a large financial debt hanging over his head, and after selling all the guns received the amount of money he needed to pay off his financial debt.

God blesses us and wants us to bless other. Keep your hand open so his blessings can flow to and through you. When God asks you to give something away, and if you don’t. He’ll get it from you some other ways. Just like when you don’t pay your tithes, you’ll have car problems, or something will come up that you’ll have to pay for that will equal your tithes or even cost you more.

My Roots

When the Lord started telling me that he was taking me back to my Roots, I had no idea how he was going to do it. I had been gone so long and it was always a desire in my heart. I knew God would have to speak to my husband about this move. We were in Vegas at a tradeshow and that Sunday we attended my friends church.

The announcements on the screen were advertising World Conference. My husband said “We should go to that conference” I responded yes, we should! We attended the conference and he cried through every service and at the end of conference on the plane back to Texas, he asked me has the Lord spoken to you? I replied has he spoken to you? He said yes I believe he wants us to come under this ministry. I responded YES and that the Lord had already spoken to me that he was bringing me home to my roots.

When we arrived in Texas, that following Sunday morning we went to our friend’s church and told them the Lord wanted us to submit ourselves under their leadership. We stayed there for two years till the Lord moved us to California, to the Mother Church where we’ve been for the past five years. We’ve learned that if we don’t obey immediately we would probably talk our self out of what God is asking or start doubting it was the Lord. I’m grateful for a mate that hears and obeys the voice of God.

Deliverance

You’ve GOT TO WANT DELIVERANCE with all your HEART and SOUL. If you want to be delivered, you must freely forgive all those who have offended or harmed you in any way. If we desire forgiveness from God for our sins, we must forgive all those that sinned against us. For years whenever I would hear about child molesters or rapists’ it would push a button inside of me, full of hatred and anger. I just wanted them to be tortured. My husband continually reminded me that I should have MERCY and GRACE for those perpetrators, I should love them. Today I can honestly say that button is gone and my heart hurts for these people. I now pray for them and can see them through my Lords eyes.

I never spoke about or told anyone what had happened to me as a little girl. Until one day at a Business Speakers Class meeting that I was attending. I had to give a ten-minute speech on any subject, why I chose to share about child molestation in a room with perfect strangers, only the Lord knew. As I took my place behind the podium with sweaty palms, gripped with FEAR, I knew this was the speech I was to give in a room of six females and four males.

As I shared my story with ion and emotion, trying very hard to hold back the tears, I recollected that event. I couldn’t tell by their somber faces if they were judging me or wondering why in the world I chose that topic. The ten minutes seemed like forever as I was trying to keep my composure while abiding by all the guidelines that I was taught in giving a speech, Good posture, eye throughout the whole audience, pauses, articulate words and making sure I didn’t go over my ten minutes was hectic enough. Then I realized how liberating it was after I was done, a sense of RELIEF and FREEDOM.

After the class, and throughout my time with them, different women approached me to express how I inspired them when I shared my story, because they had

been molested and had never talked about it to anyone. Some by uncles, grandfathers, or their Dads. I would pray with them and even lead some to the Lord.

I realized the more I spoke about it, the FREER I became. I was then asked to speak at a church that put on a Quarterly event on Freedom and Deliverance I shared that story for the next 4 years. During those 4 years as I spoke, God continued bringing healing in those dark places as I exposed the Enemy.

Sexual abuse is often at the ROOT of such problems as depression, sexual and eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, phobias and panic disorders. Being sexually molested includes SHAME and SELF BLAME, anxiety, POOR SELF ESTEEM. The effect of MOLESTATION and RAPE on any child is unmanageable and has a direct impact on his or her life in any aspect, for the rest of their life until it’s dealt with. It will affect your parenting and relational skills, your marriage, job performance, personal outlook and perception of yourself and others.

At this Freedom Conference, I found it to be a safe place to share more of the shameful things that were embarrassing to talk about. It was in a room with about 30 people, the lights were dimmed except on the speaker. Much prayer fasting and worship paved the way before each speaker. I always felt safe knowing my husband was in the room and covering me with prayer.

I was freely able to talk about my eating disorders, about the emotions that were triggered that would send me into binging and purging. The damaged emotions, fears, the rejection, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be loved and the loneliness. The secret dark shameful sins that many Christian Leaders avoid to acknowledge or talk about.

As a new Christian I was singing in the choir, ushering and involved in evangelism and prayer ministry. I love being involved in the ministry and just hanging out at the church. I would do so good for months then suddenly something would happen that would overwhelm me and I’d find myself binging on cookies, ice cream, and doughnuts then I would purge. Those episodes usually happened when I would feel Out of CONTROL, or REJECTED by someone that I ired or respected.

I when I was going to court with one of my daughters that were being abused by the people that had custody of her. I was on leave from the mission field and was notified at my sister’s house about my daughter’s abuse, I didn’t know how to handle it. All my emotions from my past of the guilt and shame, and rejection inside of court when she wouldn’t look at me and did not want anything to do with me. I hated myself after those episodes of self-gratification and the binging. It was like a long Roller coaster ride to hell.

Finally, after crying out to God the Holy Spirit showed me a woman in the church that I could go to. I had to expose the enemy, I had to confess this sin to a Godly woman who could pray for me and that I could be able to. I was so embarrassed and humiliated to share these secret sins in my life. She was a praying woman and The Holy Spirit showed her what I was struggling with. The day I met with her she knew exactly what to say and how to pray for me.

She recommended some great Christian self-help books that would be good tools to use. I would have to say what helped me the most when those Emotions were triggered and when they tried to take me back to those dark places of selfgratification or binging and purging. It was in the Presence of my Jesus that I would run to, finding safety in his arms holding me as I gave him my PAIN. I would find myself lying on the floor for hours curled up in a fetus position and I would moan and groan weeping intensely and feeling a sense of pain being rooted out of me as if something was being pulled out of me. I knew he was up rooting things out from deep within. Matthew 15:13 says every plant that my heavenly father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots.

Yes, it’s good to have someone you can trust and open up to. I believe in Christian Counselors and Therapists, but for me it was running and staying in the Presence of the Lord. Safe in his arms surrendering all the pain, the anger, the guilt the shame; is where true healing and deliverance came from FOR ME. Everyone is different and you should find what works for you. Pray and ask the HOLY SPIRIT to guide you and he will. Pray that he will show you someone that you can trust and share your struggles with them (Confessing our sins. 1John 1:9). When we keep these secret shameful sins to ourselves it’s like we’re keeping secrets with the devil.

You may need Deliverance from experienced and qualified Christians who are anointed in this area of ministry. If you have been deeply involved in Perversion and Sexual sins, the Enemy may have a STRONGHOLD in that area of your life. Don’t give up on your deliverance and healing. It may take some time, even if you mess up, God still LOVES YOU. He will perfect his character in you, his word says he will. He is a FAITHFUL and JUST GOD. Keep surrendering to him. Stay in the word and prayer, be faithful in your church, and get involved in ministry. Get out and help other people that are hurting. Surround yourself around spiritually healthy positive people.

Prayer to Shatter Strongholds on Yourself

Heavenly Father I come to you now in the name of my Lord and Savior Christ Jesus. Heavenly Father I am standing on the truth of Your Word. You said you would give me the Keys to the Kingdom, that whatsoever I would bind on earth would be bound in Heaven and whatsoever I would loose on earth would be loose in Heaven according Matthew 16-18. Right now in the Name of Jesus, I bind my will to the will of God that I will be constantly aware of your will and purpose for my life. I bind myself to the Truth of God that I will not be deceived by the many subtle deceptions of the world and the devil In the Name of Jesus I bind myself to the Blood of Jesus I want to constantly be aware of the Blood of Jesus Miracle working power to Restore, Heal and keep me safe. I bind my mind to the mind of Christ that I would be aware of how Jesus would have me think and believe. I do not want to act out of my own human thoughts when situations arise suddenly, I want to think and act as Jesus would have me act. I bind my feet to paths of Righteousness that my steps will be steady and true all day long. I bind myself to the work of the cross in my life so that I may continue to die daily of my own selfish desires and motivations and be more like Jesus. In the Name of Jesus I bind the strongman so that I may spoil his household and take back every bit of Joy, Peace, Blessing, freedom and every material and spiritual blessing that he has stolen from me. I take them back right now!!!! I loose the strongmans influence over every part of my body, soul and spirit. I loose crush and destroy every evil devise you may try to bring in my sphere of influencing during this day. I repent of every wrong desire, attitude and pattern of thinking I have had. Forgive me Lord for holding on to wrong ideas, desires, behaviors and habits according to 1 John 1:9 and John 14:14 I renounce and reject these things in the name of Jesus and I LOOSE every wrong attitude pattern of thinking, belief, desire, behavior and habit I have ever learned. I LOOSE the STRONGHOLDS around them that would keep me from being totally SURRENDERED to the will of God. I LOOSE all doubt and confusion from myself I have bound my mind to the mind of Christ and I LOOSE every wrong thought and evil imagination that will keep me from being in sweet unity with you, I BIND and LOOSE these things in the Name of JESUS CHRIST who has given me the KEYS to do so… Amen

Freedom Prayer

By the power of the blood of Jesus, I BIND the power of Satan’s demons and all dominion of darkness seeking entrance into my life. I BIND any demonic assignment spoken or sent against me and pronounce them to be of no effect “For this reason the son of God made manifest, to destroy the works of the devil”. 1 John 3:8. I DECLARE the ways and works of darkness over me to be BROKEN. I BIND the satanic forces of nature from harming any property that I possess, in the name of Jesus. I ask you to expose and bring into light, negative inner vows and strongholds that contradict your WORD and WILL. By the breath of your Spirit release your TRUTH to expose falsehood, curses of selfrejection self-hatred and reacted hatred and bitterness towards others. I take up the sword of your WORD and cut myself FREE from the BONDAGE of generational STRONGHOLDS and un Godly character defects. In the name of Jesus Christ, I renounce all relationships dishonoring to the Lord. Heavenly Father break the power of SOULTIES over my mind and emotions. I proclaim my FREEDOM to be the child of Yahweh God, to live as you intended me to live, filled and overflowing with the light and Power of your Holy Spirit, filled with the life and LOVE of Jesus Christ. In the name of Jesus, I Pray……. Amen

Restoration

Joel 2:25-26, And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten, the cankerworm and the caterpillar and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that has dealt wondrously with you, and my people shall never be ashamed”.

As Gods children through Jesus, we are seated in Heavenly Places with the Lord. We desperately need to learn to Be Still, and know that he is God, He is in control. Do no fret, nor squirm, do not get up out of your protected Heavenly position and get back into the “ADAM” mindset trying to figure things out (that is the Adam-ic) way of thinking. We are to possess God’s life through the mind of Christ, his wisdom, his understanding, and through his way by the Holy Spirit. We need to know that and settle that the devil is defeated. Let God ARISE, defeat your enemies and Heal you. The Word of the LORD says to call upon the LORD. Let God be God in you, so you are HEALED, WHOLE and RESTORED in all areas of your Life.

Be RESTORED and don’t let anyone rob you of your inheritance! Know who you are in him (God’s), where you came from (God) where you are (seated in the Heavenly Places with your Lord) and where he is leading you.

God through the Holy Spirit desires to RESTORE our mind, desires, will, emotions, and body in to that Devine creature, one having a relationship with God.

Know his Voice

Many Christian Believers do not believe that they can or do hear Gods Voice. John 10:14 Jesus said that he is the Good Shepherd and that he knows his sheep and his sheep know him. In John 10:27 Jesus said “my sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me.” I’m one of the Lords sheep, and I know that he is not a respecter of persons so I decided I wanted to hear his voice like some of his other sheep do. I wanted to hear his voice so he could guide me according to Isaiah 58:11 and instruct me, and teach me in the way that I should go according to Psalm 32:8. I believe that if you want to hears Gods voice, he will honor your prayer and teach you to hear his voice. I the first time I heard his voice in 1986 and it changed my life.

(PRAYER)

Father I come to you in the Name of Jesus, it is written in your word according to John chapter 10 that your sheep know your voice. Father I am one of your sheep, I ask you Lord to teach me to hear your voice distinctly and clearly according to John chapter 10. I ask you to increase your anointing on me to clearly hear and know your voice and not that of a stranger. I ask you to do this in the name of Jesus, give me the ability Lord to hear your voice, I ask according to John 16:23 in Jesus Name ……. Amen

I am in Christ AFFIRMATIONS

I am; Gods child for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God. 1 Peter 1:23

I am; Forgiven of all my sins and washed in the blood. Eph 1:7, Heb 9:14, Col 1:14, 1 John 1:9

I am; A new creature in Christ. 2 Cor 5:17

I am; The Temple of the Holy Spirit. 1 Cor 6:19

I am; Complete in him. Col 2: 10

I am; Redeemed from the curse of the law of sin and death. 1 Peter 1: 18-19, Gal 3:13

I am; The head and not the tail, above and not beneath. Deut 28:13

I am; Holy and without blame before him in love. Eph 1:4

I am; Set free. John 8:31-33

I am; Strong in the Lord. Eph 6:10

I am; Free from condemnation. John 5:24

I am; Being changed into his image. 2 Cor 3:18, Phil 1:6

I am; A Temple of God, his Holy Spirit dwells in me. 1 Cor 3:16, 6:19

I am; Justified, completely forgiven, and made righteous. Rom 5:1

I am; Dead with Christ and dead to the power of sins rule over my life. Rom 6:16

I am; Bought with a price, I am not my own, I belong to God. 1 Cor 6:19-20

I am; Dead, I no longer live for myself but for God 2 Cor 5:14-15

I am; Called of God. 2 Timothy 1:9

I am; An Ambassador for Christ 2 Cor 5:20

I am; Chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world Ephesians 1:4

I am; More than a Conqueror. Rom 8:37

I am; Blessed. Gal 3:9, Duet 28:2-12

I am; A slave of Righteousness. Rom 6:16

I am; The apple of my Fathers eye. Duet 32:10

I am; Healed by the stripes of Jesus. 1 Peter 2:25, Isa 53:6

I am; A chosen race, a Royal Priesthood, a Holy Nation, a People for Gods own possession to proclaim the excellence of him. 1Peter 2:9-10

I am; The Light of the world. Matt 5:14

I am; The Salt of the earth. Matt 5:13

I am; The Righteousness of God. 2 Cor 5:21, 1Peter 2:24

I am; Firmly rooted, built up established in my faith and overflowing with thanksgiving. Col 2:7